Chapter 19

What do people think of when they run?

Sure, when you’re running away from a murderer or danger, you hardly think, did I turn off the iron? Did I lock the door? The only thing you care about is staying the fuck alive. Now, however, while running the entire way from the train station to school, there was only one thing on your mind: you and your detention with Mr. Hux.

Rushing from now on was pointless. You knew from the second you would walk into the classroom, Mr. Hux would shout at you before you would even get the chance to apologize for being late.

You jogged up the slippery stairs as you were ready to turn the corner and sprint down the hall. Only two more stairs, you reminded yourself as you saw the hallway from the other side on the second floor.

A door opened from afar.

You quickly hid in the corner and pulled out one side of your earphones, peaking how Mr. Hux stepped out of the teacher’s room. What on earth was he doing in the teachers’ lounge for so long? Hux would never keep the class waiting. Punctuality was the be-all and end-all for him.

When he seemed to walk away, you slowed down your steps from a distance behind him. Suddenly, your shoes made a squeaking sound on the floor. Out of fear Hux might turn around, you thought of nothing better than to hide against the wall, right next to the teachers’ lounge door.

You took a breath and peeked from the corner. Hux looked behind him, and when he had nothing in sight, he disappeared down the stairs. Why did he go downstairs when he should have been upstairs in our classroom? Like a crash, you felt the music being ripped away from you.

“Hey!” you yelped before turning around and noticing a tall man standing outside the door of the teacher’s lounge, holding your earphones.

“Is it possible that you have forgotten the school rules?” Professor Ren deadpanned, his gaze hovering over yours. Although the last time you saw him was only yesterday, it felt like you hadn’t seen him in weeks. When he watched your glance darting around in the clouds, he pointed out. “The school prohibits the wearing of electronic devices that are worn over or in the ears while moving around the school building.”

Before you could answer, a long yawn came out you hid with your hand. “Sorry… I’m not yet awake and forgot to take them off. Can I please have my earphones back? I need them.”

He cocked his head, toying with the cable around his fingers. “And what for?”

You furrowed your brows. "What do you mean, what for? So, I can continue to enjoy my music and drown in the words in a much more intimate way? And..." — you blinked down on your shoes — "not that it's any of your business, but music keeps my thoughts in silence."

Professor Ren didn’t seem to show any empathy for your words. “They only damage your hearing,” he opposed with a rejecting look around the corridor.

You raised your gaze at him. “Well, I’m here for a good time, not a long time.”

Your life motto quote caught his attention back to you, to which he only narrowed his eyes. If you could ignore all the obvious signs that lead you to be dead tired, what else was there to see except that you needed a towel?

And the way you expected it to continue, your earphones disappeared into Professor Ren’s pockets. “You look a bit off track. I hope you were on your way to your class.”

“No, actually, I was just on the way to the swimming pool,” you responded in a sarcastic voice, upset at what you already knew. Why did you even think he would give them back to you?

The corner of his lips turned slightly upwards as his eyes fell on your raincoat. “Well, as wet as you already are, I assume you’ve been there already twice.”

You briefly turned your eyes upward. “That must have awakened a familiar déjà vu in you. Standing alone… In the rain… Seeing Ms. Rey driving away...” And that’s when you wished you could bite your tongue. “No, sorry, I didn’t mean—”

“It really looks like you have no intention of getting your headphones back!” Professor Ren scolded in a spiteful undertone. This made you take a step backward. “Did you not receive the birthday gift you wished for, or did no one teach you how to be respectful?”

“I apologies, that was stupid of me,” you confessed, lifting your hands in surrender. “But why do you think I’m some spoiled, ungrateful brat?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “Maybe because you act like one?”

You let out a nervous laugh, wondering whether he could see the invisible steam puffing out of your ears. “I know the meaning of respect, professor,” you pronounced his title sharply. “However, it’s difficult for me to respect someone who doesn’t respect me and puts me down at the first opportunity.”

Professor Ren leaned on the side, crossing his arms with a doubtful look. “What makes you think I don’t respect you?”

That was a trap. Was he playing the victim now? You wanted to read his thoughts so badly. There was no way he thought his behavior with you (and probably the rest of the students) was ‘polite’ or, as he would prefer to say ‘respectful’. What was going on in that gigantic head covered with curly, lustrous hair? Did his brain consist only of a motor system that could never break down? Did he even have positive and happy thoughts? He certainly did not have a heart. It seemed more like he was the one who has absolutely no idea what the word respect means.

Instead of causing a scandal in the corridor that would rather leave you with a headache than a reward, you tilted your head and replied with a double-edged purpose. “What makes you think I’m talking about you?”

Something went wrong with the inside of his machine body. You noticed a small gap between Professor Ren’s lips and an intimidating eye twitch. His nostrils expanded as he took a deep breath through his nose.

“I am going to confiscate your headphones, which will remain under my possession until you have learned to respect your teachers and obey the school rules,” he announced slowly, taking a step towards you while lowering his face to your eyesight. “Until then,” he continued in a warning whisper, “the sooner you realize that your student life is in your teacher’s hands, the easier it will be for you to understand what you can lose if you press the wrong buttons.”

He had certainly heard your deep swallow as he stared you right into the eyes.

“You’re dismissed. Enjoy your day, Miss [Y/Surname]” he ridiculed. As he straightened and turned his back to you, he angrily slammed the teacher's lounge door in your face.

Well, it looks like I need to buy some new earphones.

“We should have bought Chipmunk an alarm clock for her birthday. Or at least a watch,” Finn exhaled. He loosened his tie and, as he was about to put his feet over the desk, Rose, who was sitting there reading a new book, pushed him away with a disgusting look.

“What’s up with that nickname?” Poe asked, sitting next to them in his chair.

“There’s a short story behind it I will not tell you about because it’s our thing,” Finn gestured to him and Rose.

“I didn’t wanna hear the story. I just think it sounds ridiculous.”

Finn frowned and moved his gaze to his phone. “Okay, buddy.”

Poe scrunched up his face and inched forward. “Don’t buddy me, Finn,” he warned, holding up his finger at him. “That sounds even worse than that nickname.”

“Well, she likes it,” Finn replayed slightly offended without looking up.

“Did she tell you that herself, or do you just assume that?”

“I wonder what takes her so long,” Rose said, concerned. “It’s hard to imagine that she got drunk alone at home. I mean… nobody drinks in the evening of the first day of the week. Right?”

Poe and Finn glanced at each other and just shook their heads while muttering something under their breath.

And just when you thought that Mr. Hux was already in the class teaching, it surprised you to enter the classroom with no teacher in sight, only your classmates chatting around and your friends sitting together in the back.

“No hat?” Finn remarked as you approached them and put your bag on Poe’s desk.

“Nope. No hat, no earphones, and no Hux. Which means… lucky me — No detention!” you grumbled with a half-smile, struggling to get out of your wet raincoat that was stuck to your uniform.

“You, okay? You look like you ran for your life,” Poe added, leaning back in his chair.

You let out a wry laugh. “Yeah, I’m still waiting for that moment to happen. I fell asleep on the bus and missed the stop, so I had to run the entire way from the station.” As you rubbed your eyes, you caught a long black necklace around Rose’s neck that looked like a half-moon out of gold. “That’s a lovely necklace you got there.”

Rose looked down at it and immediately grabbed it. “Oh yeah,” she chuckled. “Pae-Pae brought it to me when she returned from the Netherlands on Sunday. It’s a twin medallion.”

“I suppose she has the other half?” Finn inquired, putting the phone on his desk.

Rose smiled. “Now that Pae-Pae is studying in the Netherlands, and we hardly see each other.... she gave it to me as a sign that the distance should not prevent us from forgetting the other. The symbol also stands as a sign of good luck. When I get my diploma, I will join her at the university, so that we can finally reunite and create our full moon.”

Luck. That is a truly an unfamiliar word for your new, dark world. It was sweet how she talked about the medallion and her sister. Finally, Rose had something to hold on to and the security that her sister was with her. Paige and Rose were inseparable. Everyone knew Rose missed her big sister. When Paige moved to the Netherlands to study engineering, there were days when Rose couldn’t fall asleep without crying. And every weekend, she begged her parents to take the train to visit her.

You wondered what it was like to have another half of a moon. Another person who thinks of you as soon as they squeeze the locket in your hand. How wonderful it would be to have such a connection with someone...

“So, tell us, Chipmunk,” Finn went on as long as Hux wasn’t in sight. “How was your birthday?”

Your bloody birthday. As you zoomed out with your gaze directed downward, you puzzled over how best not to describe that you literally witnessed a murder, lied to a police officer, and buried a guy in the forest.

“Great. I enjoyed the evening... a lot.” And then you remembered the first thing that came into your head when you woke up in the morning. Your gaze shifted to Finn with a sly smile. “Especially when someone’s mother visited me, searching for a certain… Finnigan.”

Poe burst out laughing so hard that tears welled down his face. “Now I understand why you never wanted to show me your identity card,” he snorted, slapping Finn playfully on the leg.

Finn’s mouth hung still dry open, so that Rose ended up closing it because it surely didn’t look like he was planning on doing it himself.

“What was my mother doing at your house?” Finn said, absurdly calm. He didn’t seem to care that Poe found out his full name so early, assuming it took Rose and you months to even know his mother worked as a police officer.

“I don’t know, I thought you would tell me.”

Finn raised his eyebrows. “I swear I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Didn’t you get my message last night?”

He took his phone and scrolled through the chats with full concentration. “No…?”

You pulled your phone out of your pocket, and as you were about to press the green button to show him the message, you remembered that your new installation (which was a brilliant new idea by Qi’ra, in case your phone fell into the hands of the wrong person) automatically deletes all your messages after you send them.

You sighed. “She said that you apparently told her I was throwing a birthday party at my house and that you were there with me.”

“And what did you say?”

“That you celebrated with me and when she arrived you were already long gone.”

Finn scratched his head as if it would help him remember better. He really looked baffled. You knew he wasn’t lying to you, but it wouldn’t surprise you either if he would forget his own words. After all, it would not be the first time…

He buried his face in his hands. “Dude, that’s so weird. I swear I said nothing to her, and I didn’t receive any text messages from you.”

“Well — hold on. Where were you last night?” you demanded.

Before Finn could express himself, Mr. Hux burst into the classroom. You grabbed your bag and your raincoat and sat back down at the front of your seat. Today, Hux had an even paler face than ever, as if he had just rolled it in flour. You also noticed a used tissue that hang out of his coat.

“I am sorry that I have kept you waiting for so long,” he stated without looking at the class. His voice sounded strained. He held on to his leather bag that looked like Professor Ren’s. “Usually, I don’t share any personal information about my private life, but I still think you should know.” He straightened up and stroked his hair back. “Right now, as you can see, I am not doing well. My cat is missing, and I don’t know where she is, what to do, and if she’s still alive.”

It’s not that you thought your math teacher had no heart. It was rather that you thought he transformed it into stone. However, when Hux blew his nose and showed his broken heart to the class, you knew that the other half of his moon was just buried two meters deep in the ground. Otherwise, like Rose, he could no longer piece together a moon with his cat. And at that very moment, you felt something inside you. It attacked your brain and your heart. It was disgusting and it wouldn’t go away.

“It is difficult for me to stand here in front of you and hold the lesson the way I’m used to,” Mr. Hux continued. “Therefore, I would appreciate it if you would excuse me if I sometimes needed a break.”

He sounded like he was on the edge of a breakdown, trying to hold it in. Like many others, Mr. Hux wasn’t quite the man who talked about their well-being as well as how he truly felt. And yet, his emotions took control over him because of a beautiful cat you once saw when Professor Ren drove him home. And the last time you saw when you carved her name into a tree…

The taste of guilt. That is the word. Oh, you hated it. It was exactly what you felt today when you had already ruined Professor Ren’s day in the morning. And now to feel it for the second time with a teacher you never expected you could hate less than someone else. You felt sorry for him, you couldn’t hide it. But what you hated more was that you were behind it. That you were the reason his cat couldn’t cuddle with him this morning. And worst of all, you couldn’t tell anyone.

The entire class felt Hux’s suffering for a full thirty minutes. That was still the time Hux had left to talk about logarithmic. When class finally ended, you went over to his table. You weren’t sure what to say to him. You just hoped nothing would jump out of your mouth that was buried deep in the ground. But you still had to say something. You couldn’t just leave him hanging like that.

“Mr. Hux,” you cleared your throat as you approached him. When he noticed you, he turned his lips and tilted his head down.

“Can I help you with something?” he suggested, trying to organize hundreds of pages with his fluffy red cat on it. The word “missed” didn’t go unnoticed by you.

You clasped your hands together. “Um, no, actually… I was wondering if maybe I could do anything that could make you feel better.” That was definitely not something you would ever expect to say to your math teacher.

Mr. Hux let out a crooked laugh. “Well, if you could bring my cat back to me, that would be a great help. Hell, I would even let you all pass the exam if somebody would find her alive.”

“Believe me, Mr. Hux. If only I could bring her back, I would. No person should feel the way you do.” You meant every single word that came out of you. It was real. It was the truth. You wouldn’t bring her back just to pass math. You would to it so that the suffering for him and for you as well, would find an end.

“Thank you,” he said warmly. A tiny tear fell from his eye, which Hux immediately wiped away so that you wouldn’t notice. And yet you did. And it ate you from the inside.

“Mr. Hux!” Rose called from the other side of the room. She came up to you, holding a small lunch box in her hands. “These are for you.” She placed it on the desk and opened the box, which was full of little cut pieces of brownies.

“Oh, what a surprise!” Mr. Hux sounded pleased, yet his smile dimmed. “Thank you, but I can’t accept that.”

Rose waved a hand. “Pff, of course you can, I insist! My sister baked way too many this morning.”

“Mmm… Kwispy.” Poe startled you as he whispered in your ear from behind. “Why don’t you have a bite?” He held a brownie right in your face that you kindly pushed away.

“No thanks. I don’t feel like it.”

For a second, you thought about the last time you had something to eat and the last time your stomach grumbled. You remembered not being able to eat anything since last night. Not even your delicious looking birthday cake, which Qi’ra squealed behind her cheeks, could make you swallow it. Blood, death, and guilt make you lose your appetite. Noted.

“They’re fucking delicious, but… they make you hungry. So, eat while they’re still there.”

You chuckled as you watched Poe stuffing the next brownie in his mouth. Rose seemed to have persuaded Hux. He took a small piece of the soft brownies and enjoyed it. Maybe chocolate would comfort him for a while.

“They taste... funny,” Mr. Hux expressed, slowly flavoring all the different mixes of chocolate. “Despite that, they’re very sweet. That might be one of the best things I’ve eaten so far!”

A small smile broke out of you as you watched Rose and Hux smiling. She was glad that she could help him, even for just a second. And you were glad that his mind took him away from the sorrow.

“I have a question. Did Millicent ever wear a collar with a tracking device?” Rose asked.

Hux’s face changed quickly. His eyes widened in hope, and he put the brownie back on the table. “Now that I think about it... yes, she does wear one.”

“Good, then you can track it down and find her that way.”

Oh shit. No, no, no, no, that’s a bad idea, Rose. Terrible idea. You knew exactly where the tracker would take him. How could you be so stupid yesterday and not have checked the collar?

“Oh, my goodness!” Hux slapped his hand on his head. “Why didn’t I think of that before?”

“And what if Millicent isn’t wearing the collar anymore? It could lead you on the wrong path,” you blurted into the conversation.

Your intrusion didn’t seem to please Hux as he glanced at you and frowned. “Finding the tracker would give me at least some hint that she’s still somewhere out there. But why shouldn’t she have the collar anymore? It’s not like she can take it off.”

You bit your lip and tried to act calm by nodding. “Of course, you’re right. Then I believe this is the best way to find her.” Not. You smiled as lively as you could. Don’t be suspicious. Just smile and nod.

Mr. Hux stared at you with squinted eyes, to which Rose just shook her head. When he dropped his gaze, you remembered what he said before. He used the same words you mentioned to Vicrul about his chili con carne. And that’s where it hit you. My hat. It’s still at Vicrul’s place.

“Hey Vic. I know we made out yesterday, but then you kicked me out of your house, and I forgot my hat. Can I have it back?”

No, no, no, no!

You took a deep breath and started over. “Hey, Vic. How are you? Listen… I’m sorry that I stopped while making out with you. I don’t know what came over me. If I knew, I would love to tell you. I’m here to pick up my hat that I forgot. Do you think you can look around the house? That would be very nice of you.”

Why do I sound like I’m literally talking to my headmaster? You placed your hands on your hips and looked up at Vicrul’s black house.

You had all the time in the world during other periods to write how you could plan your speech correctly. And when you were ready, you would go to his door, ring the bell and talk to him. But now that you had arrived here, hoping that he wasn’t watching you from the gloomy windows as you held a conversation with yourself, you regretted more and more that you had come all this way.

“Oh, forget it!”

There was nothing wrong with you not wanting to kiss him anymore. You didn’t feel like it any longer. You didn’t feel safe, and you didn’t want to go any further than kissing him. And that was your right. The way he poorly handled your stop was his mistake and nothing you should be ashamed of or feel guilty about on your own. You don’t owe him an apology or an explanation. No, and stop are full sentences with no buts. So, fuck it.

You descended the stairs and decided to walk home the same way you had returned yesterday. Maybe Hux was already at his house, and you would see him at the door. As you made it to your way, you saw Millicent’s missing posters pinned to every tree.

Going home without earphones was torture. So, what do you do? Do you listen to the birds? Or how the cars honk all around you? Or do you just think about how your math teacher lost his pet, who he loved the most?

If you would wear them right now, you wouldn’t hear the police siren passing you by. For a moment, you stopped and watched from a distance as the police car stopped in front of another police car. When you started jogging in the same direction, your heart paused for a moment. They parked the police cars next to a forest. You looked all around at the houses. Could it be — No. Please don’t.

Two policemen got out of the car and entered the forest. To get a better view, you hid behind one car. The intrigue of spying so that you could see what was happening there gave you goosebumps. You recognized five policemen standing next to a gigantic tree. One policeman, who had his back turned to you, stepped to the other side, and gave you a full view. One of them held a red cat in his arms. It was Millicent. You were sure of it. Fuck.

Suddenly, your phone vibrated in your pocket.