Evan's eyes shot open.

He was startled by a sharp rapping on the window.

It was Lily, knocking rapidly, her face peering in at him through beads of rain. The sun was out again, shining its holy goodness down, waterfalls of light over the fields.

Evan rolled the window down.

"I forgot Daddy's shit," Lily said in a hushed, hurried tone.

"I thought it was in your bag."

"I put it under your seat before we left."

"Without me knowing?"

"Yes. Just give it to me. And hurry."

Evan reached back, felt around, and yes, there it was, a puff of plastic under the floormat, buried under the seat beneath garbage and CD cases.

He was about to grab it and hand it to her, but then he stopped.

"Lily," he began "Can we talk about this?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No, Evan. Just give it to me."

"I'm not giving it back to you until you talk to me."

"Too fucking bad. Give it to me or I'll fucking scream."

"Just two minutes. Then you can go back in there and I'll never see you again."

Lily glared at him, then stomped around to the other side and slammed the door when she got in.

Evan poured it out.

"Lily, I know apologizing for what I just did isn't going to do anything to change your mind about me. I assume you didn't like me much before and I know you probably don't like me at all now. I don't have any excuse. I feel very shitty about myself right now. The only excuse I can think of is that I've been through a lot lately and I was just thinking too much and I-- I don't know, I just wanted to have control of something. I wanted to scare you, and I did, and I wanted to hurt your feelings, because you'd hurt mine, and I did, and now you're leaving, and I don't want that. So I'm sorry."

Lily looked out the windshield at the red brick wall. Her jaw was set. A family passed on the sidewalk, parents jolly and big-bellied, the kids swinging their happy meals.

Evan swallowed hard again.

"I have no excuses. Other than I'm fucked up right now."

Lily looked calmer, but still angry. Her bag was on her lap.

"You really are," she said, looking him straight in the eye. Her arms were folded across her chest, closing him off.

Evan tried to look as sorry as he felt.

"I don't blame you for being fucked up," Lily said. "You've been through a lot."

She paused.

"And for the record, no one's saying you should blow your head off, too."

She let that sink in, then said, "But everyone's fucked up. And because everyone's fucked up, 'doing the right thing' or 'being a good person' or whatever you said, doesn't entitle you to my vagina or anything else. And it's really, really pathetic and immature that you would even think that way."

"I know," Evan said. "It's just, it hurts. It sucks. I'm lonely. I've been more lonely this month than I've ever been in my entire life."

"Sometimes everything hurts, Evan," Lily said. "You have to grow the fuck up and get over it."

Evan was calmer now, and feeling ashamed and feeling angry that he should feel ashamed.

"I understand that," he said. "But I have to say, I didn't feel entitled to anything. But seeing you fuck Rob and then fuck Matt the other night kind of gave me the impression that you're, you know, the type of person who isn't really picky about doing that with people. And so when you don't want to do it with me it makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Especially after we'd already spent several hours in a very intimate position together, and then you agreed to spend three nights alone in a Motel 6."

Lily looked at him.

"All right, first off—for the last fucking time, I didn't fuck that little ratface Matt, I sucked him off because he wouldn't leave me alone. And, yeah, I fucked Rob, but I was drunk and high. I do shit like that when I'm drunk and high sometimes. I need to stop. And I slept with you—cuddled with you, it's not like we did anything-- because Matt told me about Jason. And I felt really bad about it and I felt really bad for you and I was drunk. Honestly, I barely remember any of it. I woke up and I was like, 'Uh-oh, what the fuck did I do?'"

Evan looked at her in the sunlight. She was still beautiful and he hated it.

"Well, that answers that," he said.

"I honestly feel like I have nothing to apologize to you for," Lily said.

"It's just, I never touched you in Matt's basement," Evan said. "When you were dancing. I had the decency to not touch you even when everyone was feeling you up and Brian was drooling over you. I didn't touch you. Not until you came over after Matt."

"So what? I saw you looking at me. You wanted to."

"Fuck yeah, I did. But I still fucking didn't act on it. If that isn't good enough for you then there's not much else I can do."

"Do you want, like-- do you want credit for that or something?"

"No, but I thought it mattered. I wanted to and I didn't. I didn't even say anything like Brian did. I think you're the one with the problem, Lily. You're the one who snorts heroin here."

"I'm not the one who just almost wrecked his car out of fucking nowhere and for no apparent reason. And as for the basement, you not doing anything... it wasn't cause you're a 'good person.' No one's a 'good person'. There's just people that are afraid to take what they want and people who aren't. And you were afraid to. Rob wasn't, and that's why I fucked him."

"You were the one putting on the show. You were the one stirring us up."

Lily's eyes flashed.

"Look, we've already been over this like eight fucking times already. I owe you nothing, and, while we're on the subject, I've done more for guys that I never would've even looked at otherwise if it hadn't been for the money they gave me. Men are fucking evil, and I'm not going to feel sorry for them for being evil."

"Men are evil? Do you think we like being horny all the time? I'd get rid of it just the same way you'd get rid of your period. It's, you know, it's the price we pay to have so many fucking people around in the first place."

Evan stopped talking, feeling nothing but shame.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm sorry about everything. You shouldn't have come. I shouldn't have asked you to come with me."

"I know."

"But can I please take you home?"

Lily looked at him, shook her head. She looked sad.

"I don't know, Evan. I don't think so. After that... you were really quiet and all of a sudden you pull something like that. I don't think I can ever trust you again."

The words struck Evan in the face like rocks from a slingshot. They hurt because he knew they were true.

"And Daddy's already on his way."

"It's like an hour and a half to where we are at least. You'll be waiting here the whole time."

Lily shook her head again.

"Please?"

Lily leaned in and reached behind him, her shoulder digging into his, felt around on the floor behind his seat.

She came back up with the bundle and made it disappear into her bra again.

She opened the door.

She turned her head, those brown eyes looking into him one last time.

"Go home, Evan," she said.

She was gone again.

Evan sat, both hands on the steering wheel.

He exhaled, humiliated and humbled.

"What a shitty summer," he said aloud.