Cincinnati came and went

And Columbus soon after

Now the flat, farm-laden plains of

Northern Ohio extended out

Before them once again under

Low, gray skies, clouds scudding

Like stones across the fields and

Over the trees

Evan's mind was tormenting him

He thought about the ball of white

Powder in Lily's bag

He thought about how Jason was

Still dead, and would be dead

From now on

What had gone through his mind

Just before that bullet had?

Why had he left them?

For all of Jason's trademark rants

And his political posturing and

His opinions, one would've thought

He'd leave some sort of final statement

But then, maybe the act itself had been

The statement

Evan thought about

How his parents were still broke,

Despite his father's new job

How his father had toiled a lifetime

On a line that shit out thirty cars

A minute at twenty grand a pop,

For a company that had spit him

Out as soon as things had gone

South

How both of them would be

Bailing themselves out of a

Perpetually sinking ship for

The rest of their lives

They probably wouldn't even

Get to retire

Evan thought about

How Maddie was still in the hospital

And even if she got out, she would always

Carry the psychic wounds of her stay

And have to take pills for the rest of

Her life to make sure her conscious

Mind never lost balance again

She'd only gotten eleven years of peace

And quiet in her head before everything

Was shaken up like a spray paint can

The closer Evan got to home, the shittier

He felt

His thoughts crushed him, he had trouble

Keeping is head up, the highway

Eternal in front of him

unforgiving and interminable

He felt the gravity of everything

pull him down

He was twenty-one, a legal adult

In ten years he would be thirty one

Then forty-one

Then fifty-one

Then sixty-one and getting old

by every definition

Then seventy-one and having to truly face

The knowledge of his own impending death,

Of impending eternity, it would all be over

And what would he have to show for it?

Evan prayed that Jason wasn't still

Conscious somewhere, he prayed

That Jason had escaped the bonds of

Consciousness

Living forever would be the real hell, retaining

All your memories, all the good but all the bad, too

Everything you ever did

Carrying them forever and ever

And ever and ever and ever

He would remember the way Lily looked at him

When he'd tried to get with her the first night in

The motel, the contempt in her eyes

that would always be sealed in his mind, never

to be forgotten, every time he tried to make a

move on a girl, every time he tried to seek some

physical comfort in existence

The only real solace is blissful nonexistence

Floating in the abyss, unaware, everyone

Equal in the end

Evan thought of the judges, their bored gazes

Not seeing him as he attempted to sing for them

How had he sounded?

Probably terrible

He'd never know

At the time he didn't think he'd embarrassed himself

But now he wondered

He had been one ant for them, an ant in a day-long

March of ants opening their mouths and making

Noises in hopes that they'd be chosen to be made

Into real people

if you only exist in the eyes of someone else, then

the famous exist more than anyone else

It was a farce, all a farce

He would need to move out soon

Where would he go?

He could go anywhere and at

The same time he could go nowhere

Money was the only real freedom

And money was something he'd never

Understood, something he'd never had

Something his parents had never really

Had

Where would he work?

His job at Kensington was such a

Solace, the people not perfect but

At least they weren't bitter and

Angry losers like his father's friends,

Oily burnouts staring wide-eyed

Into the void, wondering what had

Happened to their lives, to their hope

But

His position was seasonal, over at the

End of the summer, and even if

They did take him on, he couldn't

Survive on ten dollars an hour

What could he do?

He'd fucked up, just as Jason had

Said, he'd fucked up his life by not

Ever becoming good at anything

And it was all his fault

Now he was without a future, no

Doubt about it

He could go to school, sure, he

Could go to a degree mill like

Eastern and rack up twenty to

Thirty years of debt for a

Degree that may or may not

Give him a solid foundation

On which to build a life

But he wasn't interested in

Anything, he didn't want to

Dedicate his life to some

Entity that used him to

Make their CEO and

Shareholders wealthy

While his only compensation

Would be basic survival

At best

The rest of life seemed now a

Menacing ocean before Evan

An impassable storm-ridden

Chasm

He was coming home empty-

Handed, empty- hearted and

Completely unchanged, nothing

Had gotten better, nothing would

Get better

The road stretched on, a wretched

Stone river, the day an iron fist clamped

Around Evan's nutsack, squeezing

Aside from a semi trailer half a mile

Up the way, he and Lily had no fellow

Travelers, the road was desolate

Lily stared at her phone, captive to

Its white glow

He meant nothing to her, he had been

Just an excuse to pick up some grade-A

Heroin, and she'd only told him because

She hadn't had a choice, and she was withholding

Information even now, only telling him

What she thought she could get away with

Only what she needed him to know

She could probably only stomach him at all

because she was doped up all

The time

He wasn't a fucking baby

He was a grown-ass man

He demanded the basic fucking respect

That everyone else demanded

Up ahead the low clouds were

Fatter and blacker, the wind was picking

Up, rocking the car gently to the right as it

Gusted from the west, a calm hand tenderly

Trying to guide them off the road

at seventy mph

There was what looked like a curtain of white

Hanging from the black clouds up ahead

A wall of water, a wall of rain

Lily looked up from her phone

Evan saw her glance over at the speedometer

Then up at him

She looked the speedometer again, then out

At the wall of water, then back down at

Her phone, her nerves palpable

"Might wanna slow down," she said

trying to sound casual

Evan softly pressed the accelerator

The needle climbed to 75

He wasn't a fucking loser

He demanded respect

He was in control

"There's a shitton of rain up there, you

Might wanna slow down," said Lily

Evan didn't answer

"Evan?"

"What?" he snapped at her

"SLOW THE FUCK DOWN."

His foot was no longer his foot

It pressed down on the pedal, the

Civic began to shimmy

The semi disappeared into the wall,

Its brake-lights flashing

The needle climbed

Eighty, ninety

Fat raindrops began to smack the

Windshield like bullets

The curtain of rain loomed to

The sky ahead, a shifting, violent

Phantom clasping both horizons in

Two black hands

It closed down on them

Lightning flashed in the billowing

Clouds above

"EVAN?!"

Evan didn't answer

They tore into the curtain

Evan was blind and deaf for a moment

The only sound the sudden roar of

Rain, the only sight

White bearing down

Evan felt weightless

It was as if they'd been buried in

An avalanche

Lily screamed

Evan slammed on the brakes and the

Car spun, throwing them both to the left

in a petrifying lunge

They spun once, twice

They did not flip, the storm raging

They came to a rest, Lily freaking

Out beside him, Evan dazed and cold

A sheen of sweat on his face

With the car at rest the rain was

no louder than the

Air conditioning,

it was a downpour

but it was no worse than

the one they'd endured

when they'd gone to Applebee's

two days before

Evan could see the tail lights of

The semi receding into the

Distance up ahead

A few hundred more feet and they

Would've slammed right into it

Lily was furious, shaking, big

Beautiful eyes wide and ferocious

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG

WITH YOU?"

Evan's daze lifted

He felt something inside him snap

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG

WITH YOU?!" he screamed back

And for a split second he saw the anger

Lift from her expression and there was

A surprised fear in her eyes

He wanted to scream at her until

His voice gave out

But he didn't

Instead he just said, in a low and tattered

Whisper

"I'm what's wrong. I'm what's wrong,

Lily."

He paused and breathed.

"You're a fucking asshole," said Lily, no

Longer afraid, now looking at him like

he was a child throwing a fit in a grocery

store, disgusted and embarrassed for him

He didn't care, he couldn't care

"Well, you're a cunt," snarled Evan.

"You knew exactly what you were doing.

You're doing it to make yourself feel good

And wanted at my expense. Well, fuck you."

"No, no, no, no," Lily snarled back, temper escalating,

her integrity questioned by someone who had no

business questioning it. "No way, no way,

fuck you, FUCK YOU."

She leaned forward into his face, eyes blazing.

"Who the fuck do you think you are? You don't

Know what the fuck I'm thinking. You want the

Entire world to just, like, start caring about

You right now just because

Some bad shit happened to you?

FUCK OFF!

You think

By acting like a sensitive little pussy you're gonna

Somehow get me interested in sleeping with you?

You're a pussy. You're a fucking pussy. I'd never

Fucking TOUCH YOU."

"I'm a good fucking person," shouted Evan.

I do the right thing. I try to do the right thing.

And you know what? It doesn't matter!

It doesn't matter if you're good or not, it

Just matters if you have power, it just matters

If you have money, and I don't have either!

Lily looked at him, shaking her head.

"Poor fucking baby," said Lily. "Cry me

A fucking river."

Evan calmed down a bit, the worst of the

steam blown off.

"Jason was right," he said.

A car blew past them, twin jets of water

Spraying off its wheels.

The initial torrent had subsided to

A mild rain, the clouds were lighter

the storm had been no more than a

brief summer squall, now receding

into the east.

Evan turned the windshield wipers on.

The windshield cleared.

They'd come to rest on the eastern shoulder

Of the highway, the rumble strip underneath

the left wheels.

Slightly off-kilter but still facing the right

Direction.

Evan turned the Civic's headlights on.

They were lucky, Evan realized.

They'd done a complete 360 turn in a

Downpour and hadn't hit anything

Or flipped over.

They were extremely lucky.

Transcendentally lucky.

The fields stretched out to either side

Like before.

An exit sign stood about twenty feet away.

Why had he done that?

He'd been angry

But why?

The stupidity crashed into him

He was not a good person

He was a moron

He was a spoiled brat

He was a fucking peasant loser

"It doesn't matter, you're right," he said. "I'm

A shit person, and I should blow my head off,

Too."

"Fuck you," said Lily. "Just take me home."

Evan exhaled, took his foot off the brake.

He'd been holding it all the way to floor,

His leg locked.

They pulled off the shoulder, Evan's

Hands trembling on the steering wheel

As they got back up to speed, gradually.

Another car blew past them in the

Fast lane, its horn blaring.

Evan flipped the wipers on to high, and they began their

metronomic dance.

They rode in the heaviest of silences for another few

Miles before Lily spoke again.

"I can't believe you just fucking did that."

Evan didn't say anything. He looked at her hands

Holding her phone. She was shaking, and her

Eyes were wet and scared and still beautiful.

"There's a Mcdonald's up here at this exit. I want

You to drop me off," she said.

Evan's ribcage seemed to cave inward.

"What? How will you get home?"

"Daddy's coming to get me."

"You told him that just happened?"

"Yeah, he said he'll be right down to

Get me."

Evan swallowed hard.

"I don't blame you."

They took the exit, the windshield wipers

Shearing the water off the windshield,

Gushing like tears.

The McDonald's was off to the left

The rain was letting up already, the summer

Heat creeping back in to mist the moisture

From the blacktop as Evan parked the Civic

The air reeked of ozone

Lily undid her seatbelt, reached in the back

Seat for her bag, grabbed it.

Evan was so ashamed he could hardly speak.

"I can't believe I just did that either, Lily."

"Yeah, you really just fucked up. I thought

We were dead."

He swallowed again.

"I'm sorry, Lily. I'm sorry."

"Yeah, I guess you are."

Lily opened the door, swung her foot out.

"Wait, Lily, please."

Then she was gone, slamming

The door.

Evan sat there, not moving.

He lay back, shut his eyes, and

Thought of nonexistence.