The days passed by. Yes, there was no doubt that I have the confidence in finding a new job. However, confidence alone wouldn’t suffice. I sent resume’s to various small companies and applied for common jobs, I received a call from some of them, but everything ended to interviews. No one called me again.

Though my life had been worthless, I still find myself full of hope. In the past days, I repeat the same cycle of waking up and finding a job. Although the result wasn’t productive, I didn’t worry. Instead, I recalled myself waking up with hospital apparatuses surrounding me. I remembered that day when I woke up from a coma. Just then I thought: are my problems relevant to my life?

The more I learned about mortality, the more I realized that life wasn’t determined by our position, achievements, or net-worth. Heck, you may worry about daily problems, but if you’d face impending death, you’d ask yourself a sincere question: What have I lived for?

Most humans live worrying about the most trivial of things. For example, on a normal day, you’d feel depressed over your day job. But if a calamity befell, a life-threatening earthquake, for instance, you’d forget about those things. Your survival instinct would take over you.

What simplified a complicated life is death itself.

When you know more about death, you’d realize that life could be taken away in any minute, and along with it were all the things that you store to yourself, be it either great or not. They said, “there is one thing in the world that’s certain, and it is death”. If I’d be invited to a birthday party and a funeral service on the same day and schedule, I’d choose to attend the funeral. Because in my own opinion, death was more essential to people. Humans create identity, and that identity would be summarized at the end of life.

A week had passed since I assured Mom for finding a new job. Today was Sunday, and I woke up late at 10:42 AM. It was cloudy weather. I even assumed that it was 8:00.

I get up from my bed and rubbed my eyes before looking myself at the mirror. I did my best to let out a smile. Right, I have a more genuine smile today despite my circumstances.

Was it because I thought of this as my second life? I guess so. I laughed at my problems in the past. Those were irrelevant problems. I overreact to it, and that was the reason why I was defeated. I thought: while I was in a coma, did I worry about my present issues? Did I ponder about my miserable future? Did I get so bored to the point of having suicidal thoughts?

No. I was unaware like a newborn baby. Months came by and I haven’t moved out of my bed, the world continued to rotate along with the lives of other people. My time clock stopped, and in those days, I didn’t worry, I didn’t panic.

My point is, at that time, I didn’t think of anything. I felt like I was dead, no problems, no significance, nothing. After I woke up, I realized that a second life came. When you were dead, you don’t have problems, but at the same time, you don’t have the privilege of living. From that point, I decided not to worry.

From now on, I have to be more optimistic. They said that “happiness is a choice”, I want to be the witness of that quote myself.

I left my room and walked downstairs. I have no plans this weekend, that was the main reason why I get up late. I’d try again to apply for other jobs tomorrow, so for now…

I looked around and prepared myself a cup of coffee. Matsuri went to the kitchen, she just woke up too. I could clearly see her mussed bed hair twirling around. When she noticed me glancing at her, she responded a menacing glare accompanied by an angry “What…”

“Nothing.” I resumed my gaze at the coffee and headed to the living room.

She was always in a bad mood each time she sees me. That figures why I’d never forgotten my bad deeds in this household.

While enjoying my coffee, I turned on the TV to watch a random variety show. Likewise, Matsuri took a sit on the sofa next to me while eating a loaf bread. She grabbed the remote and changed the channel of the TV. She didn’t even ask me before acting so. The show was about fashion tips for girls, definitely not my interest.

I let it pass. It doesn’t matter. I continued on with my coffee. Now that I thought about it, coffee was one of the few drinks that I couldn’t get tired of. I once liked hot chocolate, but when I get used to its taste, I began to hate it.

The same case happened to what I thought was my favorite food. Hamburgers tasted so great, but after I stayed in the town where a hamburger stall stood nearby, I bought it each time I had breakfast. There was also a convenience store where I could’ve had a variety of stuff like meat buns and hotdogs, but it was a few meters farther from the burger stand. You know that I had always been a lazy person so even a few meters difference was a big factor. Because of that, I have no choice but to have hamburgers. For the first week, I find the taste promising, but later… I get disgusted of it. I even arrived at the point of throwing up.

Well, that was my personal experience. I was sure other people would have a different opinion on hamburgers.

Suddenly, I witnessed something unbelievable. While watching TV, Matsuri cried. She quietly shed tears and buried her face to the pillow to hide it.

My eyes widened, both in concern and shock. Yet, it seemed that I wasn’t ready to question it. First and foremost, she didn’t consider me as a family member or a sibling.

When I was done with the coffee, I went to the kitchen to place the cup near the sink. Mom was there, so I asked, “Mom, is something wrong with Matsuri?”

She gazed at Matsuri and answered, “She had a break up with her boyfriend yesterday. I don’t know the entire story yet. She told me that she needs some space to be alone for a while and I respect that. I’ll keep a look on her so don’t worry, okay?”

I nodded, “Still, I feel sad for her to be like that.”

I know. She didn’t like me, in fact, she absolutely hated me. Hence, my relation to her wouldn’t change. I was still her brother, after all. Siblings gotta rely on each other.

I wonder if there was something that I could do to help her.

Returning to the living room while swiping my smartphone for social media update, Matsuri called, “Hey, are you free today?”

At first, I didn’t think that she was talking to me, so I ignored her for a few seconds. I assumed that she was talking with someone by phone, when I glanced to check it, I found her scowling.

“Didn’t you hear me? Damn it!”

I pressed the power button of my phone and looked at her, “So-sorry. I thought you’re talking with someone else.”

“Who else would I talk to? Stupid.”

You don’t have to point that out.

“I’m asking if you’re free today.”

“Uhm, I am. Why?”

“I want to go somewhere to have fun. Accompany me, I don’t want to go by myself.”

How about your friends? I intend to question that, but my subconscious was telling me that it was a bad idea. I would anger her more if I keep on asking.

“Where do you plan to go?”

“To the amusement park. I want to let out some steam.”

“O-Okay.”

“We’ll go there after lunch.”

I nodded. I didn’t know her intention why she wanted to bring me with her specifically. Does she have an ulterior motive? Or she doesn’t have a choice. I laughed at myself for thinking that it was the latter.

We’ll see. She going to the amusement park to let out some steam; it was about her breakup. Somehow, coming with her was the least help that I could offer. I must do my job properly.

As planned, we went to the amusement park after lunch. Mom gave me pocket money for us to spend. She told me to do my best on accompanying Matsuri. Instead of crying alone in her room, Matsuri decided to go out and look for entertainment. Although it was considered a distraction, I also think of it as a partial solution to ease the problem.

Humans were coward in nature, so longing for amusement in the midst of sadness wasn’t bad. In fact, I may find someone weirder if he or she was always ready to face troubles for any time.

We went to Yomiuri Land [1] theme park. I was following her footsteps. She was the boss today, and before we arrive, she told me to walk by her side only if she tells so. The reason? I wasn’t sure but, maybe she feels ashamed and awkward to be with me? Then why bring me here in the first place? Damn…

Anyhow, I don’t have to complain. I obeyed the order and kept a meter distance away from her. Hey, people might suspect of me as a stalker because of this. Let’s hope that wouldn’t happen.

While following her, a significant memory was played in my head. As far as I recalled, I have gone here for a couple of times. First was when Matsuri was still a few weeks old, and the second was when she was around seven. Right, she was different back then. She thought of me as a hero or a knight in fairytale books.

The first time I came here, why did Dad take me here again? I couldn’t remember the reason why. It was from more than a decade ago, so I don’t expect to retrieve most of it. I must rather be glad that there was a small fragment left. A fragment that feels nostalgic for some reason. For sure it was a good memory.

From a distance, Matsuri called, “Big Brother.”

I broke myself from my reverie and walked towards her. “What is it?”

“Let’s go with that first.” She pointed her index finger at the roller coaster.

“That already?”

She glared at me after I reacted. I was surprised that she was already prepared for the ride that should’ve been considered a part of the “finale’”.

“Okay, we’ll go with it.”

And so, we had our ride. This time, we sat next to each other. The coaster car ascended the rail. At this point, Matsuri kept quiet. I couldn’t tell if she was getting nervous or not.

At the moment she gulped, I said, “Are you okay?”

She clenched her fists and frowned at me. “What are you talking about.”

The coaster car stopped above. It was the mark for the awaited bloodcurdling ride. I get a tight grip of the over-the-shoulder harness.

Soon as it started the free fall motion, Matsuri yelled, “I hate you! Damn it!”

For certain, that wasn’t addressed to me. It was towards her boyfriend. I mean, ex-boyfriend. The roller coaster idea was a great way to let out steam.

On the dashing ride, all that I could do was to shut my mouth with teeth gritted, while grasping the harness tight. Again, Matsuri yelled, “I hate you so much! You jerk!”

The thrilling ride was done in a few minutes. I gasped for air after we get off the coaster car.

“Hurry,” Matsuri told me while looking back.

“Wait, just a minute.” I get a hold of my knees and remained stationary for a few seconds.

With a disappointed stare, Matsuri brushed off her hair and replied, “So Uncool. Are you going to throw up?”

She walked ahead of me. I guess she considered the meter distance between us. She doesn’t have to worry about me because I shouldn’t catch up to her pace. She wouldn’t allow me to walk alongside her.

Our next stop was the Milky Way, then the Pencil Tower, and the rest, I couldn't remember.

She didn’t seem to enjoy those rides. I’ve never seen her smile nor scream in amusement. I guess the theme park wasn’t much of a distraction. She was thinking about the breakup all the time.

After we had our quick break, Matsuri held my hand and dragged me nearby the Ferris wheel. “Let’s get in that.”

Obeying the order with courtesy, we entered the cabin. She was sitting on the other seat that faces me. While the cabin ascends, all that she did was to stare blankly at the window. As if she was thinking too much, I see the focus of her eyes looking so far away.

The truth was, I wanted to learn more about what happened to her. I couldn’t muster up my courage, though. By the moment we arrived at the peak height, I thought of an idea.

“Hey, about what you said at the roller coaster, do you mean it?”

She gazed at me, confused. “What are you talking about?”

“You shouted that you hate me so much.”

Right. I was pretending that I misinterpreted her actions awhile back. She wasn’t aware that I knew something about her breakup, so of course, me playing innocent would assume that her shouts were meant towards me.

“About hating you so much? Of course, I mean it.”

Damn! It backfired so quick!

“I’m sorry, for letting you down all the time.”

For some reason, I let it out without thinking. Maybe because we were alone? Maybe because she was my little sister? I have no idea.

Matsuri dropped her gaze. “Sorry? Do you think that’s enough for all that you’ve done? You’re the root cause why we’re poor now. You coward Big Brother. Because of you, I often get anxious about my future. Dad’s wealth, no, my sense of security, it’s all gone because of you.”

I know. I know that I’m a coward, damn it!

At this point, I couldn’t say anything. Hell yeah, I don’t have the right to argue from the start. I accept to myself that I was the cause of misfortune in the family.

“I’m sorry.”

She glared at me, then I looked at her.

“I’m aware of being such a letdown, and all that I could do is to say sorry. But you know what, after I woke up from a coma, I realized. I realized that the second chance given to me is meaningful. I may not have corrected my mistakes yet, but I promise you that one day, I can be the brother that you respect again.”

“It’s too hard to imagine that to happen.”

She resumed her stare at the window.

“Earlier, I saw you cried.”

Her eyes widened at what I said.

“It’s about the breakup that’s bothering you until now, am I correct?”

“How do you-”

“Mom told me.”

“I see.” She stopped and averted her gaze.

“Do you need help or anything?”

I was being desperate for giving her a hand. The other part of me was telling that I’d been annoying, but the other part tells that my actions were a good thing.

“What help could you possibly give, then? You haven’t even experienced a breakup, more or less falling in love. You have no idea of my pain.” She clenched her chest and added, “You don’t know what heartache means, do you?”

“I do,” I answered with a stern face.

She wasn’t anticipating my response as her eyes snapped open for a split second.

“I may not have experienced being with someone I love romantically speaking, but when it comes to heartaches and sorrows, I’m well versed on it.” I gazed down the floor while recalling all my failures. “Plenty of failures. I know worse. I knew what it felt like to be irrelevant, worthless, a shame, and suicidal. Even when I was a kid, Dad kept on reminding me of his major plans. Unfortunately, I can’t keep up with his expectations. He allowed me to seek my own identity through various environments, but it seemed the lost me had no chosen place to either stay or go to. You’re right, I am a coward. When pressure struck in, I always find myself running away; quitting whenever I want to.”

At that moment, I remembered Ayase-san walking closer to me while handing over the smartphone that I dropped. Then on the next day, she talked to me and that gave me the courage to continue living.

To think that I saved her from the dashing train. She saved my life before, so I could save her in the process.

That’s right. We all need a savior. We’re nothing but helpless soldiers in the frontline. Crying out to be rescued soon.

“At my darkest times, I was looking for someone who can rescue me. The savior that I once met disappeared, since then, darkness crippled over me. Day by day, I thought that I’m losing worth. I was being less important as time passes. I always thought of killing myself so that my life is finished. However…”

I did my best to stare at her with a fake smile.

“I can’t do it. Even when it comes to committing suicide, I’m still a coward.”

Eyes widened, Matsuri looked away as fast as she could. She didn’t say a word until we went out.

“We’re done here. I want to go home.”

She made a fist of her hand as she walked forward. I traced back her footsteps and retained the one-meter distance.

At last, we arrived home.

“How’s it?” Mom queried.

Matsuri was the first to come in, but she didn’t answer Mom’s question. Instead, she replied, “I’m tired Mom, I’ll take a rest in my room for a while.”

“Okay, no problem.” Mom inclined her head while fixing her stare at Matsuri walking upstairs. Looking back at me, she added, “What happened to her? Did it get worse?”

“I don’t know.”

She wasn’t her usual self and stopped talking after the Ferris wheel ride. Did she get annoyed by my excuses in terms of taking my responsibilities as a first-born in the family?

I sighed and went to the living room. I took a seat at the couch with my eyes focused on the TV.

“I just made things worse for her.”