For five months, we were ‘together’… I barely lived at my flat because I spent almost all of my free time around Cole’s. The alarm sound never sounded shrill when I was waking up next to him; somehow, the peacefulness looking at him brought me made my routine less tedious and frustrating. Sometimes Cole would pick me up from uni’, but he was always discrete about where he met me. Now that he was helping me study, my grades had never been better. We had deep conversations and hours of laughter, and we had an understanding for each other that I had never dreamed I would find in another person. Not to mention the chemistry between us was formidable, and the sex was mind-blowing too. Everything in my life was going right. Academically, socially, sexually, spiritually, I was fulfilled. I was in my twenties and caught in the throes of a ‘great love’. I remember my maternal grandmother telling me all about the types of love when I was fourteen. She died not long after, but I could not help but think about her words of wisdom when I was with Cole. It felt like I had discovered what my heart was made for, and despite the sadness I’d felt at the loss of my mum and dad, life was thrilling again, and I felt safe sleeping in the arms of my Vampiric lover every night.

I didn’t know if I would ever adjust to him waking up for his bloody breakfast every morning, but equally, I didn’t pay it too much mind.

We lived impulsively, so on weekdays, we’d have short dates in the evening. Cole would take me out to dinner or the cinema. We had lazy day dates, too; sometimes, we sat in the bath or bed wrapped in each other's limbs. Cole would tell me stories about his childhood, what it was like to be a teenager in the ’60s, university life, and trials as an English teacher. I shared memories from my childhood, but my life had been short compared to his. He would always comfort me by saying I had ‘plenty of time to make memories’.

I will always hold the memories we made in my heart.

Even though the wind blew a gale, we decided to get up one Sunday morning and drive to the beach. We got rained off but running across the damp sand with his jacket over my head was still fun. Back in his car, I sat panting out of breath and soaking wet, but we laughed about it. I remember his laugh; it was so sweet, his voice was always music to my ears. Cole’s singing along with the radio was pleasant to listen to; he’d put on a silly voice to make me giggle if there had been too many moments of near silence.

We never talked about the future, but our relationship never felt temporary like it had with the other boys I’d dated. I regularly imagined that we could do this forever; I would have been ready to commit to that. If he asked, I’d have said yes, I was sure. Our relationship seemed built on things that were stead-fast; friendship, shared interests, security, sexual compatibility, natural chemistry and by then, even though I had only ever admitted it in my head, I loved him. He was so easy to love. But the one thing he could never give me would one day become something I would want, something I would need in my life to feel fulfilled as I matured.

Suppose you were of the mind that living moment to moment was to truly understand what it is to be alive as some people do. In that case, the reason it all ended might not immediately make sense, especially considering I was so young. Perhaps too young to be thinking that far into my future and anticipating it. When it came down it, we fell apart quite suddenly, which I think was the thing that shocked me the most.

Even though I was ready to jump headlong into a future with Cole, I had never actually thought it through.

The thing that would inevitably end up missing was highlighted to me one Sunday morning.

On the fifteenth of August, I remember it like it was yesterday. We laid on the sofa, Cole was watching TV, and I was re-reading through an essay I had written. He toyed with my fingers; we did that a lot because he knew how much I loved his hands. Lindsay had sent me a straightforward text message, asking me to attend a clinic with her later that week because Theresa couldn’t make it. In probing her about the appointment, she told me she was pregnant and had already decided not to keep it, so there was no point trying to convince her otherwise. Cole saw the message from over my shoulder, I didn’t mind, but it was the look we shared that shattered everything we had built over the last five months into a thousand pieces in a matter of seconds. That would never be us. There would never be an unplanned pregnancy scare or a joyous moment when I would present him with a positive test. Together, we would never be parents.

We didn’t need to say anything; we understood each other so well that we didn’t even fight about it. I just cried, and I could tell that Cole was about to as well, but he managed to hold back his tears so that his stunning hazel eyes just welled up as he looked down at my tear-stained face.

It was for the same reason that his marriage to Victoria had fractured and ultimately broken apart. I hated myself for letting us end the same way, but I had to be true to myself, and he understood without being bitter about it. He took it so well, and that made it hurt more. Apart of me wanted him to fight harder to keep me.

A long and lonely fortnight passed, and each night I spent alone in my flat felt like something deep inside me was freezing over. My friends hadn’t even known about my relationship with Cole, so they didn’t understand my misery, but it had taken such a hold of me it was impossible to hide it from them.

[Friday 24th of September 2010]

One month and nine days had passed; it was a Friday. I had had a pretty typical night, but there was no longer any solace in dancing away my woes at the Omen because all I could think about was whether he was watching me or not. Loitering outside the entrance, I would glance to the side road every so often; I finally saw headlights, so I ducked back into the doorway so that he wouldn’t see me. Confident that Cole was on his way home, I began walking in the same direction. I knew the code to the security doors, and when I arrived at his front door, I knocked and waited for him to answer. When he eventually opened the door, I knew he would have already known it was me because he always checked through the peephole. He stood there naked from the waist up but in black jogging bottoms that cuffed at his ankles.

“Ana, what’s wrong?” Cole asked gentle, his eyes full of concern.

“I can’t decide which I want more… Whether I want not to want children one day or not to want you so badly,” I whispered. I was at a loss and devastatingly lonely; my grey eyes must have looked so dead when they met his.

“The latter, I should hope. Children are a wonderful thing.” Cole cleared the lump from his throat and answered earnestly.

“So are you.”

“Come inside.” He opened the door wider for me to enter.

Naked in bed and in his arms, I came around from the love we had just made. It was sensual, we took our time and savoured each other, and amidst it all, we repeatedly admitted our deep love for each other.

“I can’t stay away from you.”

“Ana, that was the last time.”

“What? But why?” I pushed myself up onto my elbows and begged my question, desperate for him not to mean it.

“Because I love you, but I’m your friend first.” Cole grabbed hold of me and held me against his chest. “I’ve been here before. Vicky and I tried to convince ourselves that our lives were complete once we had had Michael, but that just wasn’t true for her. We don’t even have one child to cherish between us, so how could I ever hope that you’d be satisfied to give up motherhood completely for me. That sacrifice would have so little pay off for you, and you’d eventually resent me for it. I don’t want that. I would rather remain in your life as your friend than have you hate me.”

I knew he was right, so yet again, we parted ways and continued to exist miserably for a while. I tried to find silver linings to my heartbreak, at least now, I wasn’t keeping as many secrets from my friends, but I would’ve been lying if I said our friendship hadn’t suffered a bit since I abandoned them more often in favour of spending time with Cole. I had still made time to go out clubbing with them, but only because I knew Cole would be there for me to see from a distance. They would never know I was a half-elf, though, that secret I planned to take to my grave.

[Wednesday 14th October 2010]

I had been so distracted by my whirlwind romance with Cole. I had failed to notice that in the long shadow of the man that had stalked me from the safety of his blue Peugeot, a more significant threat had set their sights on me. A nastier and more tenacious hunter had been tracking me. They were better at hiding from me, but since I had rarely ventured anywhere without Cole, Lindsay, Theresa, or Benjamin by my side for months, they had not found the opportunity to pounce.

They would take their chance just as the leaves were about to turn.

My third year at university was proving to be a challenge, and I had spent some late nights at the library, cramming. It was dark at six that time of year, and so I was walking home between the orange glow of the streetlights and darkness as I trudged through the rain.

They say you never hear the shot that kills you, so instantly, I was thankful that I wasn’t dead, but that didn’t mean I felt safe in the knowledge that I wasn’t going to meet my demise imminently. The first shot had hit me in the side and had been effective in taking me down. The agony never occurred to me; safe for a dull ache that paralysed my lungs, I was gasping for breath in the cold air. Adrenalin had taken over.

Scrambling across the pavement, I left a bloody trail behind, but I managed to prop myself up against a wall. If I was going to be shot down like a dog, I at least wanted to meet the eyes of my murderer - he was a tall, dark figure and I was disappointed that that was all I could discern about him as he aimed the gun at my face.

So this is how it ends?

The headlights of an oncoming vehicle distracted him when he pulled the trigger for the second time, and whether or not he knew it, he left me for dead but still alive, for now. My consciousness was fading rapidly, and blood loss would be my killer. Perhaps that was a crueller end than being executed. I had accepted my fate but managed to call the first and last person on my mind, I have no idea what words I managed to splutter, but I was sure I said goodbye.

“Ana, stay with me.” I heard his voice through the blackness and forced open my eyes, my lids only flickered despite my efforts, but I still saw his face backlit by the streetlights. I was cold and wet, and God only knew how long I had been passed out on the pavement before he found me. I was just glad that he had!

Cole picked me up into his arms and laid me down in the back seat of his car. I was so out of it. The buildings and streetlights I could make out through the window as we sped towards Cole’s apartment seemed dreamlike; the kaleidoscopic array of colours was entrancing. At least, until I lost consciousness again, and time disappeared until the fluorescent lights of the basement carpark illuminated the backs of my eyelids.

Back in the safety of his arms, he carried me up the stairs and into his apartment like I was no heavier than an infant. I was trying to thank him and explain what happened, but I was just mumbling and what came from my lips wasn’t recognisable as words. “Shh, it’s okay.” He said to comfort me into silence.

I was suddenly blinded and left blinking into the bright lights of the bathroom. Propped up against the bathtub and sat on a pile of towels, Cole pulled off my shoes and coat and then took my face into his hands to gain my attention. Gently he tapped his fingers off of my cheek because my eyes had been flickering as if I might lose consciousness again. “Ana… Ana, look at me.”

“I am.” I managed, but I was distracted by his appearance. Reaching out for him, I frowned at the state of his clothes; it was all because of me. “You’re covered in blood. Mmm-my blood.”

“I know. I’m trying extremely hard not to think about it, so I don’t lose it.” He admitted. “I’ve got to get that wound on your head healed.” What he did next saved my life. I was so thankful in that moment I had met him and that he cared for me enough to come to my aid. Although we had been ‘just friends’ for a few months, my feelings for him had barely changed.

With the scent of my blood filling his nose, I can not imagine how hard it was for him, but there was no escape. Cole bared his fangs; they shot down ferociously into the hollow of his lips and no doubt gagging to bite me, but he reigned himself in and turned his fangs on himself instead. Taking a bite into his wrist, he let the blood pool before he rubbed it over the bullet graze on the side of my head, an inch to the left, and I would have been a goner. The skin knitted back together, but the headache I had remained.

In my dazed state, I was staring, especially at his fangs, bloody and bared. Before me, Cole became a vampire in its truest form; it was a side of him I had never seen before. A year ago, the sight would have terrified me, but now that I knew him well and was confident that I was as safe as safe could be, not to mention my muddled thoughts from the impact wound, my dark curiosity ran wild. My hands were still blood-stained from when I had held onto my side to stem the blood flow, and when he was distracted, I reached out to trace my fingertips over his fangs. At first, he growled, but when I pushed my index finger past his lips, he purred and sucked the blood from it like it was sweet chocolate. The noises he made aroused me; maybe it was because I still pined for him? I knew that he never drank fresh blood, so that little taste must have been a treat. “Please stop teasing out the monster inside of me, Ana. I’m trying to stay focused on healing you, not hurting you more. I need to take off your dress to get to the other wound.”

“You’ve seen what’s under my clothes thousands of times before…”

“Right.”

I had given him the consent he wanted to rip my dress from me, and that’s what he did. Before he could focus on my body too much, he bit down into his wrist again, but this time he milked a steady flow into the bullet wound just above my hip. Luckily, it hadn’t hit anything other than flesh and muscle and was a through and through. Cole turned me slightly so as he could get to the hole in my back too. It stung, and I reached out to grasp a hold of his shirt. My legs bolted outward and ridged as I winced. “I know it hurts; I’m sorry.” With some gnarly looking scars left as the only memory of what happened to me, I was out of the woods. I watched Cole slump back against the tiles of the bathroom floor, panting.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, it’s just the scent is getting to me, that’s all.” Shaking his head to help pull himself back together, he crawled towards me and reached over the bathtub to turn on the taps. “You can wash off in here.”

“I’ve just sustained a head injury. It’s not smart to leave me on my own in water. I might drown if I lose consciousness again.” I was shamelessly aware of how suggestive what I said sounded, but it wasn’t like what I said was a lie. My palm pressed onto his chest as soon as he was close enough for me to reach for him.

“Fine, I’ll bathe you.” He called my bluff.

“Cole, do I have blood on my face?”

“Yes, let me get you a flannel so you can clean it off.”

“That would be a waste.” Again, I was suggestive, but this time, he took the bait and picked me up from the floor and perched me on the side of the bath. Cole lapped his tongue over my cheek and up to my temple; licking my blood from my skin, he made small kisses here and there and continued to remove any droplet he could find from my face. I tipped my head whichever way helped him gain access to me and savoured how it felt. There was a strange kindness to what we were doing for each other, he was cleaning my wounds, and I was feeding him.

His thirst took over, and, in a trance, he was soon on his knees between my thighs and licking the blood from my stomach, hip and thigh too. What Cole was doing to me was so bewitching, and I wanted to encourage him to do more, so I unclasped my bra. His hazel eyes glanced up to watch me free myself of the black lace garment. Given the green light, he proceeded to coerce me out of my knickers too. With my clothes thrown aside, I sat there naked and watched him suck the remnants of my blood from his lips. “How was I?”

“Delicious.” He answered without pause. “Now, get in the bath. I’ll wash you.”

“Get in with me?” I offered, but I wanted to make it a demand. “Your clothes are bloody too.”

“That’s a bad idea…” Although he refused me, at the very least, he grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled it off over his head.

Once I had lowered myself into the warm water, Cole knelt at the side of the tub. Firstly, he washed the blood out of my hair with a thick lather of shampoo; having him knead his fingers through my dark locks was blissfully relaxing. Secondly, when it came to washing my body, he covered his hands in soap and went about rubbing it into my skin. Gently he wiped his fingers over my cheeks and down my neck to wash away any remaining blood traces. He took the time to massage my shoulders and back until his hands stroked down my arms until our fingers locked. I had always had a thing for his hands, and he had always indulged me when I toyed with his fingers and stroked over his palms during moments when I craved some non-sexual affection. The act seemed incredibly intimate because I had always believed that you could really know a person by the life portrayed through someone’s hands.

For instance, Cole’s hands had always represented safety to me. Despite their strength, they had an innate gentleness and dexterity he had gained through hours of typing up his novels on his typewriter. I had spent afternoons mesmerised by watching the tendons in his hands dance under his skin as he typed. The way he held his pencil between his fingers and set it to his lips as he thought held some allure for me too.

Still in the bathtub, I sat entranced and watching his hands lather soap through our intertwined fingers. When he moved on from my hands, he trailed back up my arms and down my chest. Audaciously and with an almost blank expression, he took his time groping at both my breasts using cleaning me as an excuse, but I let him. We both took quiet pleasure in it, even if it was a violation of our ‘friendship’. I let him continue and allowed him to commit and even larger transgression when he reached his hand and down through the water to skim his fingers up my inner thigh. I invited him to continue when I repositioned my legs further apart.

Our eyes met for only a moment before he stared back, blankly, into the water to focus on what he was about to do. He had barely touched me when he thought better of it. It was all over too soon, and he backed towards the door as though he were going to leave. When I stood up too suddenly to stop him, I was unsteady on my feet. Whether it was from the blunt force trauma to my temple or the haziness that still lingered from the pleasure of being touched by him, I found his arms around me before I could slip and fall.

“Steady. Let me get you a towel.”

Clothed in Cole’s dressing gown and curled up on the sofa with the quilt from his bed, I sat there feeling cosy but sorry for myself. At least, I was no longer afraid. “I think the guy that just tried to kill me might have something to do with my parent’s death; it just seems like too much of a coincidence.”

“So, do I.” Cole agreed. His face hadn’t shifted from melancholy since we’d left the bathroom. “You remember when we talked about emigrating if things got too dangerous? Well, I think that it’s time, Ana. You need to leave the city, at least, because it’s not safe for you here anymore.

“I can’t just leave! I’ve got to finish my degree…”

“What good is a degree to you if you’re dead?” Cole snapped. His eyes shot an apologetic look my way before he went back to staring off out of the window, sulking. Stood with his back lent against one of the bookcases that stood like sentinels at either side of his fake fireplace, he had changed into a black vest and checked pyjama bottoms. “I just want you to be safe.” He sighed.