It was a bright sunny morning in Eden. The adventures guild was buzzing with life. Some where eagerly choosing quests from the notice board. Other’s were already drinking and shouting, sharing their adventuring stories with the masses. The atmosphere was energetic and spirited. Then there was Aaron who had his head laid on a table in the cafeteria, staring longingly at a his half eaten piece of stale bread, creating an aura of depression that affected everyone around him.

“I have no gold at all.… I sold off the blue gel yesterday but since blue slimes are so easy to kill I only got enough money to buy a piece of bread….… Aren’t I supposed to be a hero renown across the land. Strong enough to take on the Demon Lord himself… Then why, WHY am I getting wrekt by level 1 wolves. Why does it feel like that wolf would have called me gay if this world had a chat function. Why does it feel like that wolf went home placed that clip in his pro play compilation video on his youtube account “x_XPu55Y_5LAY3RX_x”.”

Aaron released along sigh of depression.

“Well at least I learnt a new skill yesterday…..”

Aaron pulled out his adventurer’s card taking a good look at the skills section.

Skills:{Projectile Vomit}

“Actually, what the hell is {Projectile Vomit}. How is throwing up an ability used by heroes to slay beast. Do you fucking expect me to kill the Demon Lord by throwing up on his fiery ass.”

Aaron continued to mop around for a few more minutes. His face was comparable to that of child who had just put down their cat. There was no warmth in his obsidian eyes that were smushed onto the unforgiving, cold wooden table. He closed his eyelids and started thinking

“I need money……. Killing 5 slimes got me 5 gold. I saw a guy bring in a single wolf pelt and earn 5 gold….. So if I can kill a wolf I can earn 5 times more …. I can’t take down a wolf myself though, so I either need to grind a ton or make a party. But what kind of dumbass would want to party up with the shit smelling rougue with the charisma of—”

Aaron opened his eyes and his calculations were interrupted. There, lying on the table in front of him, was a girl munching ferociously on his stale bread. She looked innocent, as if unable to harm even a fly! She wore a white metal chest plate paired with a heather shield on her back who’s grey edges jutted out from her sides. Her long flowing snow white hair, that partially covered the shield, constantly got into her mouth as she eat the stale loaf. Not that it bothered her.

“I found my dumbass”

Aaron:

Who the hell are you?

White haired girl:

Ish notsh really importansh unlessh you’re going to gib me more breadsh.

Aaron:

Why are you eating my bread.

White haired girl:

Itsh notsh like you were going tshu.

The white haired girl spoke with her mouth full whilst spilling crumbs onto Aaron’s face, barely being able to form audible words. Aaron paced around the table to approach the girl from behind. But she simply rolled onto the table holding onto the food as if it were a rugby. She took the final bites of the bread and then licked her hands to finish of any remaining crumbs.

Aaron:

So……did you have any troubles fighting monsters in the field yesterday?

The girl continued to lick her fingers

White haired girl:

Not really. Not everyone got pooped on like you

Aaron:

WAIT YOU SAW ALL OF THAT!!!

White haired girl:

The place you were fighting at wasn’t too far from the walls. Most civilians passing by the outskirts could have seen you. The adventurers there couldn’t stop laughing so no-one was able to help you.

Aaron:

eh-h-h-hhh-h

Aaron lets out a long groan as he reevaluated his will to live. The white haired girl had just finished her food.

White haired girl:

So do you have any other foods you can give me?

Aaron

WHAT THE HELL MAKES YOU THINK I’M GOING TO GIVE YOU FOOD! And that’s besides the point! I gave you that bread, so now you have to help me grind some wolves!

White haired girl:

I don’t want to be next to someone who’s going to get pooped on.

Aaron:

Please stop bringing that up. My self-esteem can only go so low….

White haired girl:

Also, one more thing. What makes you think I’m going to party up with you?

Aaron smiles at this comment. A smile that showed nothing but pure malicious intent. Its as if the devil himself was staring down on the girl.

Aaron:

You may have heard this, but rogues get bonuses to dexterity based checks

{Dexterity Check:SUCCESS}

Aaron pulls out a pink coin pouch decorated with flowers.

Aaron:

And fun fact, pickpocketing is dexterity based

The white haired girl’s eyes widen in fear as she realises the situation she’s in. She leaps off the table and attempts to tackle Aaron

White haired girl:

GIVE IT BACK YOU MEANY!

Aaron pulls out the girl’s adventurer card out from the pouch and starts to read it.

Aaron:

Let’s see… your name is Silver Weiss AND you’re a the knight with high strength and defence. Woah!

Silver:

HEY, DON’T LOOK THROUGH IT!

Silver tries to nab the card away from Aaron’s hand but he moves them away faster than she can react. The best way to describe the situation would be that one TV trope where the the tall guy holds up the toy that the really short guy wants but can’t reach.

Aaron:

And how much gold is in this bag. Hmmm …8….12….22! Not much, but its better than nothing.

While Aaron was distracted with counting, Silver was able too nab Aaron’s own coin pouch. Silver smiles, dangling the brown coin pouch while putting on a smug tone.

Silver:

HAH. What? Are you too afraid to say anything now that your own precious pouch is stolen. Hmm, I can’t wait to buy some delicious food with this hard earned cash.

Silver opens the bag and her face drops to disbelief. Aaron simply returns the smile she gave him moments ago as repayment.

Aaron:

Oh, did I not tell you? That doesn’t work on me. BECAUSE I’M BROKE!!!

Aaron laughs manically at his victory over Silver. The young girl falls to the ground crushed, dropping the empty coin pouch. It’s as if the world disintegrated around her. Aaron continues to rub his victory in her face.

Aaron:

Oh wow, I’m sure my rogue friends would LOVE to buy this adventurer cards. Think about all the ILLEGAL jobs they could do with a fake ID! Or even better! How about I just sell this off to a brothel, and see which one of THEIR worker’s would like to have a cover name! Trust me. This name will be FAMOUS soon!

Silver:

Please, no.

Aaron:

AHAHAHAHAH MUAAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

An hour or so later

Aaron:

Wowwwwww! Thank you so much for volunteering to accompany me on this adventure!

Silver:

You’re really rude aren’t you.

Aaron spoke in a voice so sickly sweet that it gave him cavities. Silver on the other hand, was annoyed to her wits’ end and had a pout that could only be rivalled by Miku Nakano. The two of them were walking through the outskirts of the town to find a nice spot to grind monsters

Aaron returned to his regular unamused tone and continued

Aaron:

It’s not like you had a party of your own anyways. And seeing how you eat any food you find, most of the adventurers at the guild wouldn’t be too happy with you on their team, would they? So you should really be seeing me as your saviour because I was gracious enough to add you to my team.

Silver:

I don’t remember saviours stealing other people’s belongings and threatening them with the defilement of their name.

Aaron:

Yeah well, no one really cares about the methods. Just help me out today and I’ll give you your card back.

The two reach an open area with a few bushes and tall grass. It was decently far away from the town walls, just so the other adventurers wouldn’t be able to see in case another “incident” happens on Aaron. The teen with the black hoodie unsheathes his sword and points it towards a rustling bush.

(Writer’s notes: No, not that swords you perv)

Silver pulls off the shield from her back and readies it in front of her

Aaron:

Wait I just realised, don’t you have any weapons?

Silver:

Did you just insult this beautiful child! Only wimp’s like you would use swords.

Silver starts to stroke and pet her shield as if trying to soothe it from Aaron’s mean words. The rustling becomes louder and more defined. Coming from the right, a wolf jumps out of a bush and charges right for them.

Silver:

Stay behind me and get ready to attack it.

“Ah, I see. She’s only using a shield because she’s entirely defence based! Its kind of fitting for her to not want to hurt monsters. She’ll block the wolf’s charge then I’ll counter attack it. It looks like I’ve hit the jackpot! This is team up is a perfect combo! She can defend me while I deal damage with my sword. It seem like the goddess of life ACTUALLY cares now! Maybe there’s still a chance for my harem! Or a single love interest is fine with me. I can’t be picky since Cris herself gave this chance to me. She looks to be the perfect innocent girl type like 3milia from R3:Z3R0! This could be it! The REAL start to my Isekai adventure! I CAN FINALLY BE THE BADASS HERO I’VE WANTED TO BE-“

Silver roared at the top of her lungs, scaring everything around her. Including Aaron.

Silver:

EAT THIS, YOU WOLF PIECE OF SHIT!!!!

“Then again, R3m was best girl wasn’t she.”

Silver charged forward leaving Aaron behind. The defenceless Aaron stares at the white haired girl as she sprints towards the wolf and starts to wail on it with her shield.

Aaron:

huh?….. WEREN’T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE DEFENDING ME WHILE I DEALT THE DAMAGE!

Silver:

What kind of pussy ass bitch needs to defend, WHEN YOU CAN PUNCH THE FUCK OUT OF THE ENEMY!

Silver continues to bash her shield directly into the wolf that is pinned under her as Aaron looks on, unamused at the scene in front of him. Maniacal laughter escapes Silver’s mouth as she puts on a twisted face of glee.

“Really. REALLY CRIS! THIS IS THE SHIT YOU GIVE ME! Wasn’t she wayyyyyy less vulgar a few moment ago. Calling me a meany rather than any other curse word. With a cute innocent face too! SO WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!”

Aaron sighs and reluctantly accepts that this is the “Tank” class he got stuck with.

“Well, at least her strength stat is high so she can deal a ton of damage”

Aaron looks towards source of the psychotic shouts and looks at the text displays coming off the wolf

{-1HP}

{-1HP}

{-1HP}

{-1HP}

{-1HP}

“Please, don’t tell me. PLEEEAAAASSSSEEE DON’T TELL THAT’S ALL THE DAMAGE SHE CAN DO. It’s because of the shield isn't it. It will reduce any damage you try deal, won’t it. Of course it does. BECAUSE ITS A GODDAMN SHIELD!”

By this point, Silver had turned the wolf into a pile of blood and organs. She stood up, casually wiping off some bits of flesh stuck on to her snow white chest plate. Dabbing off some sweat from her temples with her forearm, she started to speak.

Silver:

You didn’t help me take down that wolf at all! Wasn’t it you who wanted to go on this quest.

Silver crossed her arm around her chest and pouted

Aaron:

If you saw what I saw, you too would want to stay back.

She complained as if the conversation were a small dispute between friends while Aaron kept a 30 feet radius of comfort.

(Writer’s note: You keep this amount of distance with regular people too, don’t you.)

Aaron:

You have a shield, why don’t you defend me exactly!?

Silver:

This precious child isn’t meant to be used for defending others. Why would it? Its a super strong weapon made for slaying dragons!

Aaron:

IT DEALS 1 DAMAGE!

Silver:

And what’s your point?

Aaron’s eyes twitch in pain at the stupidity he’s faced with. Despite this, the innocent girl continues to hold up her shield and admire its perfect form.

“Does she get a hard on from that shield or something! Well whatever it is, having her in my party is better than grinding by myself. I’ll try search for new teammates later, but for now I’ll have to deal with this.”

Aaron:

Whatever, use any weapon you want.

Another bush started rustling and out came another wolf.

Aaron:

Alright, my turn to fight. THIS IS REVENGE FOR LAST TIME, WOLF!

Aaron runs and slashes the wolf with his short sword

{-4HP}

The wolf finches in pain. Aaron pulls his sword upwards to deal the finishing blow. He remembers the humiliation he faced because of yesterday’s wolf. The cold night he head to endure. The extreme regret he had as he replayed the scene in his mind over and over again. All because a wolf took a steaming dump on him. Just as he aligns his sword with the wolf's head, Silver bashes him to the side with her shield, knocking Aaron to the floor.

{-1HP}

Silver:

YOU CAN’T ESCAPE ME, BITCH!

Silver punches the wolf with her shield and follows up with a full shield body slam.

{-1HP}

{-1HP}

Aaron:

What the hell!

Silver stands up and looms over the flattened corpse of the wolf. It’s mangled face still deformed from the shield’s pummelling. Blood was splattered all over her shield leaving stains that were proof of her psychotic behaviour.

Silver:

Oh, whoops. That was my kill you tried to steal so I pushed you out of the way just a little.

Silver smiled as if it was a slight accident.

Aaron:

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOUR KILL. I HIT IT FIRST!

Silver:

But it was in my punching distance.

Silver payed no heed to Aaron’s protest. Aaron placed his hands on the grass beneath him and started to get up. He then heard a noise coming from around 30 feet behind him. His eyes locked on to a blue slime that slowly made its way towards them.

Silver:

I’M SLAPPING THAT MOTHER FUCKER FIRST!

Silver runs and steps on top of Aaron’s face. She uses him as a jumping board and propels herself forward towards the wolf at full force. The poor boy’s eyes go white as a large, red footprint engraves itself into his face. Silver thrusts her shield into the enemy with the same force as before.

{-4HP}

{-1HP}

“She did more damage to me than she did to the slime…Her shield is limiting her damage output isn’t it. Her personality also changes everytime an enemy appears while her shield is out…. How many mental illnesses does this bitch have?”

The two adventurers fought in the secluded area until dusk. With each hour that passed, Aaron grew a bit more worried about the real monster he was stuck with, the one who was wielding a shield.

As the sun fell and the moon rose, the enormous wooden doors of the adventurer’s guild opened revealing two adventurers. One with blood and gel stains on her snow white armour, and the other wearing a black hoodie with a short sword slung on to his lower back still keeping a fair distance from the delicate girl. The two headed to the guild lady and received their reward for their monster slaying, then they sat down at a table for dinner.

Silver:

There, you got 13 gold coins. Now I’ve done my part, SO NO MORE BLACKMAILING!

Aaron:

Hmmmm.. it could have been more gold if we had more proof of our monster slaying….

Silver:

That’s not my problem is it.

Aaron:

WE DIDN’T HAVE PROOF BECAUSE YOUR SHIELD TURNED EVERYTHING INTO A RED MIST.

Silver:

Yeah, BUT AT LEAST THEY GOT KILLED SINCE I WAS AROUND! So could you just give me back my coin pouch and my adventurer’s card!

Aaron:

Fine.. fine..

The girl snatched her pouch and card back from the thief’s hand and squealed in joy. Aaron remained visibly annoyed thinking about the money he could have made by keeping on to that card, but he didn’t want to be labelled a full-time criminal. Silver on the other hand, ate without a care. On the table there was a loaf of bread, 2 bowls of potato stew, grilled cabbage, and 2 cuts of chicken. Aaron had some sort of dried meat while Silver gobbled everything else up.

Aaron:

How do you afford all that on an adventurers pay?

Silver:

By actually being good at fighting and by cutting all other costs.

Aaron:

Oh, so you don’t have a house?

Silver:

OF COURSE I DO!

Aaron:

Oh, then its in some run down slum isn’t it?

Aaron smugly smiled as Silver stood up with pieces of cabbage sticking out of her mouth.

Silver:

I’ll have you know that I live in the centre of town next to the main fountain.

Aaron:

So cobblestone dumpsters exist there to?

Silver:

ITS NOT A DUMP! It has nice wooden walls and has 2 stories. It even has a small flower bed with white roses in them! I doubt your puny hut can beat that!

Aaron watched as the girl returned to her meal, scoffing everything at once s if she were in paradise.

“When you look at her now, you forget that she just committed what would be a war atrocity.”

Aaron:

Anyways, I hate to admit, but working with you is much more profitable than working alone. I would suggest that you swap to a more damaging weapon though since you want to be the main fighter. You don’t like swords but there’s still stuff like spears, hammers and—

Silver:

ゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴ I refuse ゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴ

Silver places her hand in front of her face and strikes a menacing pose. She points towards Aaron who is sitting there dumb founded.

(Writer’s note: Yes, that is infact a JoJo’s reference)

Aaron:

huh?

Silver:

The shield is not just a mere weapon. It’s a lifestyle! Its elegant curves and points make it more beautiful than any art piece! Holding it up against charging foes and pummelling them until they can’t move is a feeling like none other! Just holding on to it right now sends shivers down my spine. I can barely handle this burning feeling inside me every time I touch it! Oh! Look how pretty it is! With it shiny edges and hard body. I feel like I could let it rub against my nude body for hours! For you to want me to disregard the shield for any other weapon, would be an act against god herself!”

“Do you back this behaviour up, Cris?”

Silver strokes her shield longingly as she drools all over the table. Her face was red with lust while Aaron looked at her unfazed.

Aaron:

Are you the goddamn Shield Hero or something. Do you secretly keep a racoon demi-human slave and a giant chicken in your house.

(Writer’s note: Rising of the shield hero reference. Just in case you haven’t watched it yet. Its a good show and light novel!)

Silver:

I’m not a criminal like you, I wouldn’t keep any poor demi-humans as slaves. That was outlawed centuries ago.

Aaron:

Wait, DEMI-HUMANS EXIST!

Silver:

Umm, yes.

Aaron:

SO THERE ARE CAT GIRLS IN EDEN! WHERE CAN I FIND THEM! HOW CUTE ARE THEY!

Silver leans away from the shiny eyed Aaron who looked as if he had found a new reason to live.

Silver:

There’s a town to the west of here that is mostly demi-human populated. Haven’t you heard about any of this before?

Aaron:

HOW MUCH DOES IT COSTS TO OWN ONE!

Silver:

Did you not hear. Slaves were banned-

Aaron:

IF I CAN’T OWN ONE, THEN IT CAN OWN ME!! I STILL WIN IN THE SITUATION!!

The boy who looked as if he hadn't seen the sun continued to dream peacefully of stroking cat girls, rubbing their ears and fluffing their tails. Who could resist the combination that captured the hearts of all men in Aaron’s world! However, he was brought back to reality by Silver’s confused glare.

Aaron:

Uhh, oh yeah! I wanted to ask another question.

Aaron rummaged through his hoodie pocket and pulled out his adventurer’s card. He looked at it intently and showed it to Silver.

Name: Aaron Codin

Class: Rogue

Strength: 6

Dexterity: 12

Defence: 6

Intelligence: 14

Charisma: 8

Luck: 8

Skill/Spells: Projectile Vomit

Proficiencies: One-handed weapons, Improvised weapons

Aaron:

What are spells and skills. And how would I learn them.

Silver:

They’re more or less the same thing. Skills don’t require any magic while spells do, meaning that they’re used by different classes. That’s all. You can learn new spells by having someone teach you or by reading about it. You can also learn them naturally if you ever improve… When you ask all these questions, it makes me think that you’ve never left your room....

Aaron:

Actually! I have left my room since I don’t have one!

Silver:

Oh, so you’re broke and homeless.

Aaron looks up triumphantly as he has finally been able to prove all the people who looked down upon him in his previous world wrong.

Aaron:

This brings me to my second question. Can I stay at your house?

Silver:

No! Why would I want to sleep near a creep like you!

Aaron:

But you live next to the main fountain in a 2 story wooden house with a flower bed filled with white roses in front of it right?

Silver:

And how is that supposed to change my answer?

Aaron:

Maybe I should rephrase that.…..I KNOW that you live next to the main fountain in a 2 story wooden house with a flower bed filled with white roses in front of it. And, I may just invite some friends over to your place if you decline.

Silver:

Ohhhhhh….…

Aaron smiled as he had perfectly forced the poor girl to give him a roof to sleep under for the night. Silver puts her head on the table, realising that she is going to have to share a house with the teenage creep who just blackmailed her. Tears start to stream from the poor girls eyes. She whispers something under her breath

Silver:

Please ……don’t…. do…. anything…. to…. me…. while…. I….. sleep…. I …..don’t….want…to……be…..defiled……..

Aaron laughs with joy, realising the opportunities that have just arisen now that he will be sleeping in a house with a beautiful young girl in it. His fantasies that he dreamt about while watching the countless harem and ecchi animes in his room were about to come true! He looks at the lifeless girl and thinks about his future plans! But then he remembered something.

“LIKE HELL I’M GOING TO TAKE CHANCES AFTER WHAT I SAW HER DO TO THAT WOLF!!!”