I giddily watched my shadows continue their wave of death into the hoard of rift spawn. For a moment I felt a bit guilty for being so happy watching the deaths of so many seemingly conscious entities. Though that was quickly quashed. Either they died or we died. There was no contest on who we all felt should be on the losing end of this conflict. There was also the slightest twinge of sadness for not being able to actually do anything myself. Sure I could see and feel through the shadows but it wasn't quite the same as being out there yourself. Likewise this train of thought was quieted as I reconfirmed with myself the benefits of not actually needing to be up front and center to that carnage.

As the excitement of the unique new experience wore off and I watched the death toll reach into the hundreds I turned to thinking of just what was happening on the metaphysical side. I could see from the shadows as they took pauses and examined their fellows that they were losing their equivalent of stamina, which we were pretty sure was mana. It seemed they were regaining it quicker now that their 'souls' were larger but they didn't have much to work with, and had started on empty tanks as it was. They hadn't outright stopped but were taking longer breaks in shadow, which had allowed the examination. I could also tell that the pace with which their 'souls' were growing hadn't just slowed. It actually seemed to have stopped. They were still collecting the 'essence', though that collection seemed to have slowed, and it was now just sitting on the surface. It seemed this wasn't the 'life hack' that was going to propel us into 'true power', but it was at least another step. We'd need to do more examination and experimentation after this. I'd also need to look back at my own 'soul'. From the memories it didn't seem quite as large as the shadow's 'soul' was now. Having some shadows look around it definitely looked like their new size matched up with that of the Earthlings and Vauthians. While the Rift spawn had tiny little 'souls' about the same size as what the shadows initially had. Again something to examine further. Might be due to both the rift spawn and shadows being created entities. Though speculation only got you so far.

Pulling my focus back inward I left the battle to the shadows, the captains, and the other Earthlings and Vauthians. Now back in my own head I could hear the captains further adjusting the line by the slowed front where the shadows were still dishing out mayhem though at a reduced rate. they pulled off more defenders to harder hit areas. My physical body wasn't much use in this so I decided now may as well be the time to test some things out. I let the nodes in my head fade as I focused on the new connection I'd been using for the shadows. What I'd begun thinking of as my soul itself. That fathomless tunnel down which I could shout or hear shouts back. My touch was incredibly rudimentary compared to what the nodes could accomplish, but I'd still been able to see through the shadows simply using this though not direct them in any way. Now that I'd seen the shadows do it I could compare and contrast even more. They also had their own skill which I had as of yet been unable to replicate. This new data point had given decent insight into the way their skill operated. It was a bit like an old book describing a mathematical representation of a 2D universe with a 3D visitor. The book was named "Flat Land", and in it a 3 dimensional visitor comes and gives a resident of the 2 dimensional universe an 'out of body' experience. Pulling them up, a direction which the flat lander had no experience or even notion for. The sight nearly broke the mind of the flat lander. Luckily I had the experiences of the shadows using their skill, my skill to connect to them, and the other interesting uses of the 'soul' we'd experienced together to pull from as references.

There is always that first period of time while trying something new in which you know it's not going to be easy. In which you desperately try to convince yourself not to set unrealistic expectations. During which you inevitably fail and start to think you're going to instantaneously 'get it', whatever it is, and just snap your fingers to achieve some great resolution. Then of course the following annoyance when you must deal with the unrealized expectations that you couldn't help but build up for yourself. Trying to pull your soul into a direction that nobody has conceived of before was like that times ten. Even having experienced the feeling before multiple times was so far no help. I found myself repeatedly doing what most would hate to admit they'd tried in the past. Where you attempt to move something with your mind, or to fly, or to do whatever other impractical thing we had attempted in our youth. However, upon straining as hard as they could the discovered they were only twitching their eyebrows, clenching their hands, or grinding their teeth together. To the point that the pain of the physical muscle cramps would bring you back to realize you were vainly moving some mundane part of yourself rather than a supernatural equivalent. With a wary eye I peeked out at those near me on the wall. Luckily nobody saw me straining in vain, or at least they didn't care enough to keep watching me do so, and I hadn't caught them at it. Instead of throwing my head at the wall I let my attention wander through the new paths I'd gained since coming here.

The nodes to the shadows, or rather the 'soul' connections to them. It was after I'd connected to a few that I realized I had never tried one of the nodes in this manner. The one that was connected to a shadow that was still cooped up in a tiny room with Caroline, or possibly just the books she'd provided. The node sure was blocked but what about the new method? Reaching out tentatively I slid my awareness across the connection lightly. It didn't feel any different than the others. With a slow cautious approach I sent a small tendril of consciousness down that connection. The further it got the more it felt different, as if the connection was constricted. Although this could have been the method I was using. I stopped and tried the same with another shadow. No it definitely felt different. Back to the locked up node I sent my full awareness into the connection. The congestion got even worse this time. Very quickly bringing the connection to a dead stop. Pushing harder I could feel there was the tiniest of room available so from the midway point I extended another small tendril. Every measure of distance further it crept required an even finer tendril to go forward. It was at the point that I felt as if I was frayed down to nothingness that a shock then great sense of alarm swept back down the tendril to me. It was one of pure terror. Along with it came the impression of watching out for a predator at night and seeing the glinted reflection of the campfire off their eyes. This was quickly followed by a shove which completely removed me from the connection. My eyes opened in shock. That shove had been accompanied by a single phrase, just like the other shadows would, 'they are watching' it said.

I wasn't entirely sure who or how but I was so far from even being able to hold my own here let alone ready to take on whoever it was that caused Caroline enough fright to enact blockage of the node and constriction of the soul connection. It was most likely the other 'gods' who were watching, but nothing was certain. It could very well be some other entities that Caroline didn't want us running into. There was also of course the chance that Caroline herself was the predator to be wary of. Not really enough info to go off. Better to wait until the node was open before trying again. Having failed to examine the world in the metadimensional way the the shadows could, been blocked from the connection I'd attempted to the shadow locked up with Caroline, and feeling the dejection of not being able to take part in the battle I found myself aimless and antsy to accomplish something. I latched onto that thought as it was at least somewhere to start. I technically was a part of the battle. The shadows were as much me as I was. They had my memories, I had theirs, I could jump into them, and apparently they could now jump into me. It was a strange and nuanced situation that I hadn't really been wanting to think about but with most other avenues cut off I found myself focusing on it.

There wasn't a point that stuck out to me as to when I'd started referring to the shadows and myself as we. Yet at the same time I could easily feel, or control, each of them as well as I could my own body. Their memories filled me and each one rang as perfectly as if I'd personally taken any actions contained therein. likewise, as strange as it was, there were memories of them looking at my memories thinking the same. How healthy all these changes were was not immediately clear. I know I'm still a single person, and when thinking, or speaking to others, of just my actions I wasn't using the plural but somehow that's what made sense when talking about the shadows. I couldn't detect any other oddities or changes with the way I'd been thinking. For a third time this hour It seemed as if I'd found yet another thing that I didn't have enough information to really speculate on. Frustration was beginning to boil up out of me. Feelings of uselessness were hard to handle when it seemed that everything and everyone around you was progressing. Returning yet again to my body I this time kept my eyes closed, breathing slowly in and out. For as fantastical a realm as we Earthlings had found ourselves in simply being in the moment was still a powerful tool. Continuing to breath in and out I let my muscles relax and set my hands in my lap. I'd apparently had them held up slightly and was bunching them.

Sighing barely above audibility I gently rubbed my own thighs. There had been quite some time since I'd last gotten so worked up. Although I think that had more to do with being forced to keep running for my life than actually having a handle on it. I'd never really narrowed down why exactly I had these, or what exactly they were in the first place. Panic attacks, outbursts, coping mechanisms, or something else entirely. I'd grown up in that era where some parents thought it was better to learn to manage your problems yourself rather than see a medical professional. I'd had some teachers in grade school calling to have me evaluated for behavioral reasons, but my mother had been staunchly against any such thing. Claiming that ADHD, Autism, and any other similar issue was simply a failure in parenting nothing more. Heaven forbid anyone question her skills. Instead she tried to teach me to better 'manage my mood' and 'temper my mind'. For a long time I thought this had cured me of any ailment. Sadly before I could truly begin to question any of it though the world up and ended on us.