Today I feel a lot of things. Excitement being one of them, nervous being another, sad being the last. It's finally time for me to go home and I feel extremely weird for even saying that. Honestly I didn't think I'd make it this far but I did. And I guess I have Serenity to thank for that, she was one of the ladies working here to help us get better, she's helped me as a person in many different ways too. I remember when I first came here, I wasn't trying at all and she asked me 'why do you put yourself through this?' So obviously I said 'Because I feel like shit', now you always expect people to say things like 'No your not shit, your beautiful' and blah blah blah, Serenity's answer was way different, she said 'The only reason you feel like shit is because you let yourself feel like shit' I still remember that comment till this day-

"Carmen!"

I close my notebook before looking up and smiling, "Hey"

Meghan runs towards me before giving me a hug, "Your back"

Jack, Kayla, Mia and Jada walk in shortly. "Wait does this mean your being re admitted?" Kayla asks

I stand up. "No actually, this is a short visit"

Mia frowns, "How come?"

"I came to say goodbye to you guys" I say softly

Meghan frowns, "Your leaving?"

I nod, "I'm going back home today"

"Wait for real?" Jack says surprised

"Yeah I just didn't want to leave without saying goodbye"

"She hasn't got a lot of time you guys" Serenity says

Jada hugs me first, "We'll miss you"

"And I'll miss you guys too"

"Will you ever come back to see us?" Meghan asks

I smile, "Of course I will"

I crouch down before hugging Mia last, she's seated on the couch. "I'll see you later tubeaphone"

I gave her that nickname because she uses a tube

She smiles, "Bye Carmen"

And then lastly.... There was Jack. "Why don't we all help set up the table" Serenity suddenly suggests

"Good idea" Kayla replies

Meghan giggles before following everyone else out of the room and I roll my eyes, "So.... Is this the last that I'll hear from you Rodriguez?" Jack finally asks

"I guess that will stay a mystery"

"I'd say text me but it's not like we're allowed our phones"

"Ugh, another reason I'm grateful to be leaving this place" I joke

He smiles a little, "Try not to relapse"

"You can't say that!" Mia calls out from the other room

I snort, "I'll do my best" I reply to his comment

"Good"

Jack, where do I even start? He was my first friend when I got here, he's also got anorexia but he was always much more positive about it than I was. We got along pretty well, and I think he ended up having a crush on me..... I don't know how I felt towards him, we didn't pursue it and even if we wanted to we couldn't.

Relationships aren't allowed

I said all my goodbyes and it was finally time for me to leave, "It's gonna be weird not having to shout at you for sneaking in" Serenity says amused

"Ok that was one time" I defend

"As I recall not only did you sneak in but you also helped Kayla sneak out of the house-

"I couldn't let her miss her friends birthday" I say innocently

Serenity rolls her eyes before pulling me in for a hug and I smile, "I'm proud of you kiddo" She says softly

"Thanks"

"Make sure you keep on writing" She nods at the notebook

Yeah, the whole journal thing was her idea. She said it's the best way to express how your really feeling, I guess she's not wrong. "I'll try to"

"You'll call me if anything right?"

I nod, "Good"

Originally I was supposed to be at the facility for six weeks, but I relapsed two times so I ended up being readmitted. After I got better once and for all my parents decided that it would be a better idea for me to move in with aunt Camila for the time being.... Best decision ever. I didn't have to go to school, instead I got to work at her cafe which was incredibly fun, I even made a few friends whilst I was there.

As I make my way down the porch steps I hear a shout come from the upstairs window, "Merry Christmas you filthy animal!"

I turn around before shielding my eyes from the sun and lifting up my middle finger, "And a happy new year!"

Jada, Kayla and Jack smile as they wave and I laugh before walking away. It's not actually Christmas but their making fun of the time where I got into an argument with Serenity on Christmas morning, I walked out of the house without her permission.

Flashback

I scoff, "Your literally being so unfair!"

She stacks up a few plates, "Give me three good reasons why I should let you go home today-

"Because it's fricking Christmas" I say annoyed

"And as I recall you lost five pounds from all that secret exercise you've been doing"

"Then tell me off later, I'm not missing Laylas party"

"Your gonna have too" Is the last thing she says before heading into the kitchen

"I hate you!" I call out after her

My eyes then land on the car keys sat on the table and I smile a little before grabbing them, Serenity frowns as she comes back in. "Don't even think about it-

"I dare you" Jada whispers loudly

"Jada go upstairs"

I back out of the room quickly and Serenity follows me to the front door, "Carmen don't you dare" She warns

I make my way down the porch steps quickly before running over to her car, "Carmen!-

I salute her as I get into the car, "Merry Christmas you filthy animal"

Jada laughs as I drive away

Yeah I'd say I was pretty much a bad influence

-

Camila puts down a plate of chicken Alfredo, "So how was it?"

I slurp up some of the pasta, "It was sad but nobody cried so that made the whole thing easier for me"

"I think I'll miss seeing the cute little blonde who always got so excited when she saw you" She says amused

"Meghan?"

She nods before sitting opposite me, "Think your ready to go back home?"

"I mean it's been a really long time, but I guess so" I shrug

I think I forgot to mention that it's been a whole year. I spent a total of four months in the recovery programme -including me leaving and going back again- and then I've lived with Camila throughout the rest of the year, so yeah I've missed a lot from back home. "You excited to see any certain individuals?" My aunt asks innocently

I shrug before drinking from my glass of water and she sighs, "Realmente no funcionó?"

-it really didn't work out?-

I put my glass down, "I don't know"

She rubs my back sympathetically and I smile a little before finishing off my food. Yeah.... We don't really mention the C word around here

I thought things would go down hill when I joined the recovery program because I didn't realise that my phone would be taken, leaving me no way to contact Carter. But then after I left the first time I explained to him why I wasn't able to text him and he understood, then obviously I relapsed and started to become extremely miserable. Serenity allowed me to have my phone when I returned but there was no use because the one person that I wanted to talk to didn't text back....

I mean I did tell him not to wait if I was gone for more than two months but I didn't think he'd take it literally. Anyway my focus will not be on him when I get back, it will be on me and my family.... Plus June.

I spoke to her a lot during my time at Camila's. And whilst I love Zoe and Sienna, I really missed my best friend

I was a nerve wreck on the journey back home.... Well mostly excited but still nervous. It just feels weird, I can't believe I'm finally gonna see my siblings after a whole fricking year. An hour later and Camila was pulling up to the driveway that I have yet to become familiar with again, "I can see how excited you are, let's go" She says amused

I open my door before getting out of the car and heading up the porch steps quickly, the door was already opened when I reached it. "That's not how you do it Matty"

My brothers seem to be mixing something into a bowl... I think they're trying to make a cake? "You said one tea spoon-

"I said two you dip shit-

I can't believe my little Matty is eleven now, he's even grown a tiny bit. And Santiago has just gotten taller and fitter, "What are you guys doing?" I say amused

They both widen their eyes, "Carmen!-

Santi lifts me up and I scoff with surprise as he spins me around, "Hey little brother" I smile as I hug him back

"Hi big sister"

I then hug Matty, "Did you cut your hair?" My brother asks

I nod as we pull away, "I like it"

I smile, "Thanks"

"Well I hope I get the same greeting" Aunt Camila snorts

"Nah, but you can help us with the cake" Santi replies

"I wanna help"

"No, it's for you so you can't" Matty disobliges

Our aunt looks back at me, "Maybe you should start unpacking"

I roll up my sleeves, "I can do it later-

Santi ushers me away, "Or right now"

"No te atrevas a alerjate de mí!"

I frown as I look towards the stairs, "I get that Carmens gone but that doesn't mean I want your attention to turn to me!" I hear Lola shout

I look back at my siblings confused and they both shrug, "That's not what this is about-

"Leave me alone" And then we heard a door slam

Mom sighs stressfully as she comes down the stairs but then she stops after noticing me, "Carmen" She says surprised

I wave awkwardly and she smiles, "You look healthy my love"

I nod slowly, "Thanks" I reply before taking my suitcase up the stairs

Whilst I was away there was a time where Dr Gomez said it would be good for me and my mom to work on our relationship, Serenity thought it was a horrible idea because obviously I had told her about what she's like, but obviously she couldn't really make that decision for me since it's not up to her. Anyway.... It was weird

"How does your mother make you feel?"

I shrug as I sit back in my seat, "I dunno"

"You don't know or you just don't want to answer?" Dr Gomez replies

I sigh as I avoid eye contact with my mother, "She makes me feel like shit and for some reason I get the impression that she hates me"

"I do not hate you" My mom finally says

"Then why all those negative comments? Why all the stress and strictness?" I shoot back

"Because you are already so loved by her"

Dr Gomez narrows his eyes, "Her?"

She sighs, "My mother"

"What's wrong with me being loved by abuela" I ask quietly

Mom sits back, "I was her only daughter and she had treated me horribly. And then I had you, my first girl. You were such a beautiful little baby and I was so happy, but then as you grew I noticed how my mother treated you. She was always so kind and loving... she treated you like you were her daughter instead of mine"

So this is all about fucking jealousy....

"So in a way, you were envious" Dr Gomez questions

She keeps her eyes trained on the ground, "I guess you could say that"

-

That honestly made me hate my mother even more, she shouldn't use her mom as an excuse for her behaviour towards me. But I think that she's changed now and hopefully in time I can learn to forgive her

I knock lightly on Enzo's door, "What!"

I frown as I open it, everything has in fact changed. The walls are now grey and white, there's a desk near the far wall, a double bed with pink sheets and makeup scattered all over the nightstand. Lola sits up, "Carmen?" She says with shock

"Hey" I frown as I look around confused

My sister hugs me and I raise my eyebrows with surprise as we both end up falling back onto her bed, "What happened to Enzo's room?"

"It's mine now, he's gone to college" She replies as we face each other

"Ah, I see"

"But what about you, how was the programme and why did you go for so long?"

I tut, "Well I relapsed two times so I ended up going back, but I'm ok now"

She twirls a strand of my hair, "I love what you did with your hair"

I smile, "Thanks"

"So.... Do I even wanna know what's going on with you and mom?" I then ask

She rolls her eyes, "It's about my quinceañera"

I frown, "What about it?"

"I told her I don't want one, she's telling me I have to. I mean it's my birthday for fricks sake" Lola scoffs

"Why don't you want one?" I say amused

"Because... I've seen the way you and Adriana's have turned out in the past, you guys were so miserable"

That is true actually, I always dreamed of what mine would be like but it was nothing of the sort. It was as if the party was for mom, all the attention was on her and it was just boring for the most part... June and I snuck out and went to the movies, then Daniel took us for a nice night drive.

"Maybe yours will be different"

"I'd rather do something with my friends"

"Want me to take you out with Fiona and Lexi?"

"Nah the twins are going on holiday around that time, Stacey wanted us to go the movies or an arcade"

"Stacey?"

"Oh yeah...- she joined the school this year"

I narrow my eyes before nodding slowly, "Well maybe if we both talk to mom she'll come around"

I'm gonna have a follow up on that name.... Stacey