When Lola asked me if I was truly happy yesterday I said yes, but for some reason I can't get her question out of my head. There are many things that happiness is characterised by, joy, satisfaction, contentment and fulfilment, I don't know if I'm satisfied with the life I have, nor do I think I'm content. I've been having this thought all day, that's probably why it was kind of hard for me to pay attention to the conversation that dad and I were having before I left the house for work, thoughts truly are distracting. Anyway I'll have to hold off on the thinking session

I smile as I take off my jacket, "Hey Julia"

She picks up her phone, "Hello my dear" She says softly

"Where's Grace?"

"In the living room with Carter" Julia replies

I raise my eyebrows with surprise, "Carters here?"

She nods, "I know, I was surprised too. I'll see you tomorrow"

I smile , "Bye"

The door closes and I put my bag down on the table before walking into the living room, both Miller's are sat at the table "What are you guys doing?" I say amused

"Why don't you show Carmen your drawing" Carter says

Grace slides her piece of paper towards me as I sit down. It's a drawing of two girls, ones taller than the other and they're both standing underneath the sun. "Is that you and me?" I ask as I look at it

She nods and I smile, "It's a nice drawing, is it for me to keep?"

She nods again

"I won't forget to take it home"

She goes back to colouring in and I open one of the other colouring books. "How come you're back so early?" I ask Carter

He shrugs, "Just decided to"

"Where do you even go half of the time"

"Out with Aaron"

I nod slowly, "Not out with Eliza?" I then ask

"No"

"I see"

He observes me for a second, "You don't like her" Carter says knowingly

"I never said that"

"I can tell" He replies

"Keep thinking that" I hum

"I will"

"Ok"

"Cool"

"Alright"

"Alright"

Later in the evening Grace had her dinner and then at around 7 -quite late for her I know- we put on the little mermaid. I sat with her under a blanket and then halfway through Carter decided to join us, I don't think I've ever seen Grace so focused before.

Ariel just lost her voice

"Carmen"

I keep my eyes trained on the tv as I answer,"Hmm?"

"Why don't you eat?"

I'm just trying to make sure I heard that question correctly, I swear I felt my heart stop for a second. I frown as I look back at him, "What?"

"Why don't you eat" He repeats, softer this time

"What makes you think I don't eat?" I say confused

"I observe"

I frown

"You always have at least two bottles of water with you at school and you never eat at lunch time. Plus when you babysit Grace there's always so much leftovers because you never eat here-

I sit up, "Stop"

Why does he notice this shit? It's not like I'm obvious about it..... and why does it matter whether I eat the schools food or not?

Carter goes quiet and I tuck a hair behind my ear uncomfortably as I stay sitting up,

"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable" He says softly

"You got it"

He frowns and I sigh

"It's the secret, you got it"

"The secret is that you don't eat?" He says confused

I sit back, "No it goes deeper than that but I'd rather not get into it"

"Is that why you were so tired at Eliza's party?" He says knowingly

"That and I drank a whole bottle of vodka-

He raises his eyebrows, "You drank a whole bottle on an empty stomach?"

"It wasn't an empty stomach, I had toast in the morning-.... Stop looking at me like that" I feel worse than I already do

Shock has taken over him, "I-...why would you purposefully do that to yourself?"

"Because I needed to look pretty and if you don't get that then that's fine but it's just the way my mind works"

"Carmen your already beautiful" He says softly

I blink away the waterworks that are threatening to come out of my eyes, if I cry then I'll just look even more stupid. "You have to say that"

"No I don't, I know what me and every other guy see"

I snort sarcastically, "What, a girl who looks fuckable?"

"No a girl who looks beautiful, I stare at you for a reason C"

Fuck

"I thought you were just curious"

Carter shrugs, "That too"

I sigh as I look up at the ceiling, the little mermaid has basically become my background noise. Although right now I sort of wish I was Ariel, she hated having a tail and was given a solution to her problem right away. I know the legs were only for Eric but the point is, it was so easy for her to fix it despite her losing her voice.

I can see Carter studying me from the corner of my eye, "Am I the only one who figured it out?"

"Yes"

"But what about your parents?"

"When you have six siblings it's easy to get away with shit like that"

"Family dinners?"

"It's not like I don't eat at all, my intake is just limited" I reply

"C that isn't healthy" Carter says quietly

"Well if you saw me four years ago you'd think I was doing better now" I snort

Look my coping mechanism is joking around, it makes me feel less awkward and it stops me from breaking down. I don't even know why I'm answering all these questions that are being thrown at me, but for some reason I trust that Carter won't tell anybody.... I hope

He frowns as I lean on my hand, "What were you like four years ago?"

"Thirteen is when I discovered laxatives"

His eyes soften "Carmen-

"They always made me feel lighter even if it was only temporary.... but that still wasn't enough so I'd always go to the gym whenever Daniel did-

"Hey you don't have to-

"And even then I wasn't content with how I looked because the bottom line is that I'll never look or feel right-

Carter surprise me with a hug and tears finally come out of my eyes as I close them, "I'm sorry for asking"

As I lay on him the overpowering smell from his aftershave fills my nostrils. His aroma is amazing, "It's ok you were curious" I mumble as I focus on the fridge in the kitchen

"Carmen I know I'm probably the last person you'd wanna listen to but your perfect the way you are, and anyone who can't see that is a dick"

That was nice of him to say and I don't think I'll ever let go of the fact that he called me beautiful as-well as perfect, "Thank you" I say quietly

I then suddenly remember how I'm not exactly doing my job right now, I lift up my head. "Grace-

"It's ok, she's asleep"

She is in fact lying on the other side of the couch, I unfold one of the blankets before covering her body and tucking some of her hair away, I then sigh

"Carter"

"Yeah?" For the first time in forever I actually looked at him, like eye contact and all.

"Can we like..... not talk about this again?"

"If you stay and finish the movie"

I sit back and he spreads a blanket over us, "I won't tell Eliza if you won't" He jokes

I like that he's able to spot when I'm uncomfortable and brighten the mood

"Oh no, we definitely can't have her trying to kill me" I play along, he smiles as I lie down

"Carmen"

"Hmm?"

"Can I at least give you cereal?"

I sigh, "Sure why not"

~*~

There's a constant buzzing coming from my left, I frown as I open my eyes. Now I expected to be lying on something soft like you know, my pillow maybe?

But I'm lying on something much more harder, I lift up my head tiredly before frowning. Carter's lying back on the sofa sleeping peacefully, his jawline looks good from here.

Stop

That's when I notice that we're in the dark and we have a blanket over us, then there's Grace who's on my left and she's also sleeping peacefully. I lean over Carter before reaching for my phone that's beside him, "Shit" I widen my eyes

The time reads 00:10

I have three missed calls from my mom, four texts from Santiago and one from Adri. I also notice that the kitchen light is on and a middle aged lady is sat at the island with a glass of wine. "Melissa?" I say surprised

She looks back before smiling, "Hello Carmen"

"How long have I been asleep for?" I say confused

"I got back at around ten thirty, you three looked comfortable so I didn't bother waking you guys up" She says amused

"I'm so sorry, I forgot to take Grace upstairs-

"Carmen it's ok" She says softly

I breathe a sigh of relief as she gets up and places her wine glass into the sink. "It's pretty late, why don't you stay here until the morning?"

I get up before carefully stepping over Carter's legs, "I would but my moms quite worried"

She looks at me with concern, "Are you sure you don't want me to drop you?"

"No it's ok, I don't live very far" I put on my shoes before remembering to take the drawing that Grace made for me

"At least send me a text so I know when you make it home"

I nod, "I will, thanks Melissa"

She smiles softly

-

I shut the front door slowly and lightly to prevent any noise, heck I even took off my shoes before coming inside. There's no one in the kitchen except from Enzo, "Where've you been" His tone tells me that he doesn't really care so I don't even know why he's asking

I ignore him as I make my way over to the stairs, "I'm sorry" He then says

I stop, "For calling you a fat whore" I turn around

"I know how that always used to make you upset"

Years ago

I still don't reply, I just watch as he pours himself a glass of vodka. "But I'm not sorry for dating your best friend"

I narrow my eyes, "So you can either get used to it or not, I don't care"

I mentally roll my eyes before making my way upstairs, that one sided conversation was pointless. I sigh as I shut my bedroom door behind me, I'm too tired to change so I think I'll just sleep

**

-

I frown as I sit up.

I remember falling asleep besides Carmen

Shit, Carmen

Our conversation from last night comes back to me and I sit there with a million thoughts going through my head, I guess you really can't assume things about someone until you know them. I always thought that Carmen was a confident girl without any worries in the world, but then I find out that she secretly hates herself and struggles with her self image.

Honestly if she saw what I saw, she'd definitely love herself. I'm starting to wonder how I never noticed her until she started babysitting my sister, it's hard to miss those piercing eyes, and her attitude too, it's hot when she gets rude back to me. Most girls...- or should I say Eliza, don't argue with me in the same way that Carmen does, she's always trying to have the last word whilst Eliza is one to just say fuck you and walk away.

And don't get even get me started on her body, Carmens hips had me hypnotised the moment she stepped into Eliza's house, she's got the perfect figure and she'd still look good even if she gained a couple of pounds, thick girls are underrated. I don't get how you can hate someone for having an ass..... but let me stop because I'm starting to sound like I've got a crush.

"Where's Carmen?" I ask Grace, she shrugs before drinking from her cup

"She went home last night" Our mom answers as she enters the room in her work clothes

I get up before folding the blanket and putting it aside, "You two looked pretty comfortable" She says amused

"Don't do that"

"I'm just saying, you've never let me meet any of the girls that you date-

"Because you don't need to. And Carmen and I aren't dating" I say annoyed

She sighs, "I see your still in a mood"

"I wonder Melissa, why does it only appear when your around?"

She looks at me annoyed before taking Grace's hand, "Let's go Grace"

My sister waves at me and I wave back with a soft smile as she walks away with mom

Somehow I think I'll end up being on time for school.

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