I'm not going to do it.

I am.

I'm not.

I am.

I shouldn't.

I argued with myself as I stared at myself in my bathroom mirror. A razor sat on the sink ready for me to use, but I was hesitant to begin shaving. My beard was starting to look less rugged and more unruly, especially with the dark circles under my eyes from my sleepless night last night. I would scare someone if they saw me right now.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to shave it off.

Grabbing the shaving cream, I spread the lather across my jaw. It was late afternoon, and I had only just gotten out of bed and showered. 'I know it was bad of me to skip school, but I couldn't get myself to go, so I laid in bed all day.

I couldn't stop thinking about her, that's nothing new, but I can't stop thinking about our...disagreement. I wanted to give her her space, but I also wanted to talk to her. I wanted to apologize if I scared her, I wanted to ask her how she was feeling, and I wanted to tell her that it was okay if she couldn't tell me how she felt.

She could always show me.

Some people don't always express their feelings with words, maybe Maya was one of those people. Maybe she could show me better than she could tell me that she loves me. Anything would be better than nothing.

Splashing my face with warm water, I rinsed the remaining lather and hair from my face. Resting my hands on the counter I stared at my reflection, I looked like me. The me I was before I met her. I don't like it.

"Fuck." Well, I can't take it back now, I'll just have to wait for it to grow out again.

Aggravated, I threw on some sweats and went downstairs to get something to eat. I didn't see anything I wanted, so I grabbed one of the many cans of Red Bull that sat at the bottom of my fridge. Maya would have gotten on to me if she saw me, but she wasn't here, so I popped the can open and took a giant gulp.

The carbonation burned on the way down. I haven't had one in weeks, I'd been drinking mostly water and juice lately. Maya says it's better for me.

I was almost finished with the can when my doorbell rang. I rolled my eyes, I did not feel like talking to anyone right now.

Whoever was at my door was not letting up on the bell.

"Oh my God, I'm coming!" Maybe I shouldn't sound so angry what if it's Maya.

I rubbed my hand over my jaw expecting to feel hair there but obviously there wasn't any. I opened the front door, only for it to be Sam and Marcus.

"Hey, you're beardless," Sam noticed coming in. They both still wore their East Chapel uniforms.

"I just shaved it," I said. I closed the door behind them.

"You weren't at school today," Marcus said, "I thought maybe you were sick or something."

"I'm not," I said sitting on the couch. "I just didn't feel like going."

Sam sat next to me on the couch. "You didn't miss anything. It was as boring as ever."

"Hey," Marcus nudged me. "You good? You looked depressed."

Because I am. "No, I am not good."

"What's up? Did something happen between you and Maya?" Sam asked.

I ran my hand over my face, groaning, "I told her I loved her, and she flipped out on me."

Marcus sat back. "Woah, was not expecting that."

"Freaked out as she was super excited or freaked out as in she didn't respond?" asked Sam, trying to make sense of it all.

"Freaked out as in she said she might not be able to say it to me--ever." I closed my eyes feeling hurt by it all over again.

"Damn," he said under his breath. "That's sad as hell."

"Tell me about it." I looked over at Marcus. "What did Nia say when you told her you loved her the first time?"

He hesitated, raking a hand through his hair nervously. "I haven't."

"What?" Sam and I said at the same time.

"We haven't said that to each other yet," he explained.

"But why not? You've been together for awhile now. Do you not love her?"

"Of course, I do," he rushed to say. "I just, I don't know, we just aren't there yet."

"Well, damn, no wonder she flipped out on me. If you and Nia, haven't said it to each other yet, and you've been together over six months. She must think I'm some clingy freak." What was I thinking saying it so soon?

"Okay, slow down," Sam told me. "You and Maya are a lot different than Marcus and Nia. You guys are soulmates."

"Oh, brother," Marcus said under his breath. "He's been spending too much time at Lavender's house."

Sam huffed. "It's true. They're both damaged, and super weird. You guys couldn't have came into each others lives at a more perfect time. You needed to fix a car, she had a car that needed to be fixed. And now you're in love with her after what, two, three, months?"

He began to make more sense as he continued talking.

"She got you to grow a beard and stop drinking Red Bull for Christ's sake! She obviously cares about you, even if she can't tell you that she does. You got lucky, when you were with Crystal, but I doubt she's had any relationships like that."

"You're too smart for your own good, Sam," I sighed.

"Save your compliments," he said, "I don't want them to go to my head."

Marcus smirked. "It's already big enough."

"You should look in the mirror before you talk about the size of someone else's head, Garret."

I snickered. His head is kind of big.

"You should call her," Sam suggested.

"I don't know she might not want to hear from me," I said sadly.

Unexpectedly, Marcus hit me in the back of the head with a pillow. "Who cares? Do it anyway."

I hesitated for a moment.

"Don't make me hit you again," he warned me still holding the pillow.

"No need for that," I told him. "I'll call her."

Going into the kitchen where I left my phone, I felt the nerves start to shake me as I anticipated calling Maya.

I exhaled, "I can do this."

She was at the top of my favorites list. I began pacing the length of the kitchen counter as I listened to the dial tone.

"Please, pick up. Please, pick up," I muttered to myself.

"This is Maya, I'm not available right now, so leave a message and I'll try to get back to you when I can," she said over her voicemail.

Dammit. "Hey, Maya, it's Nick. Give me a call back whenever you get this message. We need to talk."

I rubbed the eyes with the palms of my hands. "She'll call me when she's ready," I said optimistically, but still not believing it one hundred percent. "She will."

I went back into the living room, falling back into the couch next to Marcus and Sam.

"Did you talk to her?" Sam asked when he saw me.

"No," I replied. "She didn't answer. I left her a message."

"She might be busy," Marcus said trying to make me feel better, "Nia texted me something about a sleepover or something."

I nodded. Okay, so at least she's not blatantly ignoring me. "Hey, are you guys hungry? Do you want to order a pizza or something?"

"I'm always down for pizza," said Sam.

I hadn't eaten anything all day, maybe if I gorge myself on pizza the empty feeling in my stomach would go away. And it would distract me from checking my phone every five minutes.

"I'll order a few."