This is not going as I expected-at all.

Why did I tell her I love her in the first place? Oh, that's right, because I do.

I knew that I had made a mistake as soon as I said it.

"You what?" Maya asked with wide eyes. I could almost feel the breath leave her body.

"I said I love you..."

She stood from the couch forcing me off her lap. She immediately began pacing across the living room. "But why would you say that?"

I sat up on the couch. "Because I love you."

"Jesus," she paced back and forth putting her hands on her head. "How could you possibly be in love with me we just started doing...whatever it is that we're doing?"

"I know things are still new but I am in love with you," I said, which just seemed to make things worse.

"Please, stop saying that," she sighed placing her hands on her head frustrated. "You don't know that! Do you even know what you're saying?"

"Yes, I do!" I don't know how I know that, but it's what I feel. "I love you, Maya. I've never met anyone else like you, and I know it may seem strange but it's true."

"Oh my God, Nick! Stop saying that!" She exclaimed frantically.

"No!" I stood from the couch. "It's okay if you don't feel the same, I would never force you to say something you don't mean, but I'm not going to hide my feelings from you." Taking it back would be a lie.

"But that's what you want me to say! You want me to say it back to you. And It's going to be weird if I don't, you know it."

It can't be any worse than what's happening right now. "Of course, I want you to say it back. But you don't have to say it right now."

"And what if I don't?" She folded her arms across her chest. Her plaid pajama pants were too long for her the ends pooling at her feet. She looked so small, but still big enough to knock me off my feet.

"Don't what?" I said my heart sinking to the pit of my stomach.

"What if I don't ever say it back," she replied, her voice low this time. She put her hands on her forehead. "What then?"

"I-I-don't know," I said unsure and devastated. "I don't know what we would do."

The thought of her never sharing those words with me broke my heart. I wanted her too. I want her to love me back. Would I prefer for it to be right now? Yes. Can I wait? Yes. But never, never hearing her say that to me, I don't think I can take that.

"I think you should leave." She looked anywhere but at me, and that just made me feel ten times worse.

"Yeah," I agreed. "I think I should go too." Charlie sat next to the couch watching the two of us, poised and quiet he watched me walk out the door.

My head was spinning as I walked out the door and jogged down the steps to my car. It felt like my whole world was flipped upside down and shaken, and during all of it I was unable to find something to hold onto.

Getting behind the wheel, I closed my eyes. I almost hate that I said it, but I couldn't keep it inside. Would it even have mattered if I would have said it months or even a year from now? I doubt it.

I placed my head in my hands. This is so fucked.

Never.

She said she might not ever say it back. I don't think I can live with that, but I want to be with her. And I want her to want to be with me.

I shook my head turning on my car. I can't keep sitting here, I'll just drive myself insane.

I felt nauseous all the way home. I didn't even bother going upstairs to my room, I just collapsed on my couch. My chest felt hollow, I've never felt so empty.

Staring up at my ceiling I thought about all the ways this could have gone.

She could have thrown her arms around me and said, "Oh my God, Nick, I love you too."

Or she could have given me an awkward, "Thank you."

There could have even been a long drawn out silence before she completely ignored my proclamation all together.

All these scenarios would have been better than our current reality. Now I'm laying on my couch with my heart lost somewhere on Maya's living room floor.

I feel so helpless. Is she going to break up with me?

Should I break up with her?

I groaned loudly. I don't want to do that. I don't want to lose her.

"God, I don't know what to do," I said to myself.