“We can only try to make people know that they deserve better.”

-defineliving

Oliver Carlson.

Oliver Carlson is right here, in the shop, sitting at the counter on one of the stools.

He is not alone.

There is a word.‘Beautiful’.

If you look for the meaning in the dictionary, it will say, “pleasing to the senses or mind aesthetically.”

When you see someone beautiful, you can’t help but be pleased, and you can’t look away.

She is beautiful.

She has beautiful, long blonde hair cascading down her back. She has bright eyes that are crinkled around the corner because she is smiling. Her lips are red. She has a heart shaped mouth and a beautiful smile. She is wearing a cute red top with summer shorts. She has that perfect figure every girl would be envious of. Everything about her is perfect.

If you look at her, you can’t help saying, “beautiful.”

I would look like trash next to her.

She is sitting right beside Oliver and laughing about something he said. She has one of her hands resting on his arms. He is not saying anything. He is looking at her.

My body is freezing up little by little, starting from my feet.

She says something and laughs, throwing her head back. Oliver stares at her.

My entire body is frozen.

She says something. Oliver replies.

Then he looks down.

He smiles.

Oliver Carlson is smiling. The girl laughs again. She leans forward as she laughs.

Oliver presses his lips together.

I can’t breathe. I am suffocating. My fingernails dig in my palms. I can’t feel anything. Everything seems hazy.

The girl shakes her head.

The guy on the counter interrupts them. He places a packet of food between them. The girl looks at it and asks Oliver something. He replies.

She opens the packet. In her hand is a tater tot. She pops it in her mouth.

I take a step back.

I can’t believe anything I am seeing.

My eyes water. I can’t keep watching this.

Tater tots are my favorite food. Tater tots are our favorite food.

Oliver takes the packet from her hand. Their hands brush as he does so.

The girl stares at him. She says something. Oliver stays silent.

She starts leaning towards him. I know the look on her face.

And I don’t need to stay here to watch what happens next. I turn around and I storm out of the shop.

My heart squeezes so badly that I can’t stand straight. My legs want to give up. I want to curl into a ball and hug myself.

Tears start streaming from my eyes. I can’t see what’s in front of me. I clench my heart and hop on my bike somehow. Then I start peddling.

I don’t know where I am going. I know I need to get away. I know I need to get out of here. I know I need an escape.

Everything is ruined. Everything has shattered.

There is nothing left.

Absolutely nothing.

How could he do this to me?

I shiver but I keep biking. I am out of control. I don’t know what I am feeling. I feel like I am not on the ground anymore. I wipe my eyes. My tears are still flowing.

He smiled.

He smiled at her.

I struggle to breathe. My heart feels empty. There is nothing there. I feel empty.

I push the brake. I can’t. I can’t go on. I sit on the pavement and I break down. I feel so helpless. I feel so horrible.

I hug myself. Then I break. Completely.

I don’t see where I am. I don’t know what’s around me.

I don’t care.

I can’t stop crying.

Ever since I started floating, I can’t cry like a normal person. I can’t. Whenever I cry, it feels like everything is breaking inside of me. I feel tired. Crying needs energy, and after I cry, I become an empty shell.

Crying is not a form of release for me. It’s a punishment.

I wipe my tears and look around. I am sitting on the pavement in front of a house. The area is empty and there is no one around.

I am completely alone.

And something about that makes me feel even emptier.

I slowly stand up and I start biking again.

I know where I will go.

*****

The water is cold, but it doesn’t get to me. I am feeling numb. The cold water freezes all my feelings.

I hold my breath and dive down. It’s dark down there. I like that.

I stay there for as long as I can. I come up and struggle to breath. I have run out of oxygen.

And that’s the only feeling I have left in me. The feeling of filling up my lungs with air and then suffocating myself till I run out of it. I feel nothing else.

I don’t want to feel anything else.

I am home, I say to myself.

I am where I belong.

I should have never left.

I look around the lake. The trees have grown wilder since I have stopped coming here. It’s because I didn’t need to come here anymore.

Now it feels like the trees are making fun of me.

“You thought you won’t need to come here again? Now look at you,” it seems like they are saying.

I am here again.

My skin has started pruning up. Maybe I will catch a cold. But what if I do?

I dive in again. I feel the pressure of water in my skin and I wash away everything inside of me. With every dive, I leave one of my feelings in the lake.

I want to be emotionless. I don’t want to feel anything.

Why do I even try?

Why do I even think anything will change?

Why do I think things will be different the next time?

I get fooled every single damn time.

I feel like crying again. But I don’t come out of the water. I have figured out you can’t cry underwater. So I stay down there. My heart squeezes and it’s painful. My lungs need air.

I come up and I swim to the wooden ramp. I get out of the water and sit there. I cry.

I promised myself I won’t waste a single tear again. But I am crying.

Then I stop as abruptly as I started. Everything in my body is aching.

I was right.

He has hurt me the most.

*****

I don’t know how long I bike around. When I come back home, I see Mom in the kitchen.

“There you are!” Mom says enthusiastically. “Were you with Oliver?”

I press my eyes shut. I don’t reply.

“How many times did I tell you to inform me if you stay out late?” Mom says in a complaining tone.

“Now go up and get fresh. I have cooked dinner,” Mom says.

I mumble, “I don’t feel hungry.”

Mom narrows her eyes. “Did you already have dinner?”

“Yeah, I am so full, Mom,” I say and I laugh a little. “So full.”

Mom stares at me. Before she can say anything more, I head towards my room.

I close my door and I crash on the floor. I stay there.

I have no energy to move. I don’t have any appetite. But my stomach clenches. It has been empty since afternoon.

I stare at the ceiling. I wonder.

Why do I always hope?

I close my eyes. I know I won’t be able to sleep.

I am floating so high I wonder if I’ll ever come down.

*****

I open my eyes and I don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to be awake.

I don’t want to think.

I don’t want my brain to be active. I don’t want to think about anything. Anything at all.

I want to stop. I want everything to stop.

Just stop. Please.

I turn in my bed. I feel so tired. I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned the whole night. It was torture, torture I have never known. My thoughts were pressing me down, clasping my throat, coiling around it like a snake.

I don’t want to move. I don’t want to stay still.

I don’t know what I want.

I want to disintegrate into atoms and disappear.

I want to disappear.

Somewhere along the line, I get out of my bed.

I go to the washroom and brush my teeth.

When I look at myself in the mirror, I get scared. I get scared of looking at my own self.

Who am I?

I feel so ugly that I want to claw my face. I don’t want to look at myself again.

I wash my face and get out of there as fast as possible. I go downstairs. Mom and Dad have already left. There is no one at home.

I sit down to have some breakfast. I can’t eat.

I look around me.

I can’t stay here in this empty house all by myself. I can’t. I need to get out.

I get my bike out of my garage, and I start biking.

I bike. My feet hurt but I don’t stop. I don’t stop for anything.

I go to the lake. I sit on the wooden ramp.

I am back to where I was one year ago.

Nothing has changed.

If anything, I am worse than I was before. I made that happen. I brought it on myself.

I am back to square one. There is no one to blame.

The evening dawns closer. I think of all the people who will be dancing tonight.

I breathe out.

I don’t deserve this. I deserved better.

I stand up. I get to my bike and head home. Reaching my room, I get my dress out.

I bought this dress to wear tonight.

I will wear it tonight.

I change into my dress. I avoid looking at myself. I brush my hair. And then I have to look in the mirror to apply eyeliner.

I stare at my face. Then I apply foundation. I wear mascara. I look at the red lipstick I have.

I put it on.

I make way downstairs. The front door opens at that moment. Mom and Dad walk in.

“Look at you!” Mom says, looking at me with her eyes lit up.

I try to smile. Then I give up.

“Can I have your car?” I say to Dad.

“Of course you can,” Dad says and hands me the key. “Do you want me to drive you?”

“Isn’t it the Winter Formal tonight? Why are you going alone? Aren’t your friends-” Mom starts.

“No, I can make it myself,” I say. I fake a smile.“I will meet them in school.”

“Alright. Let me take a picture of you,” Mom says, taking out her phone.

“Mom, I am late,” I say.

“Taking a pic—” Mom starts, but I am already heading for the door.

“I will see you later!” I say before going out.

I get in the driver’s seat and clasp the steering wheel. I take a deep breath in.

I don’t know why I am doing this. As if doing it would make a difference. As if going to the dance alone will give me something.

I don’t need anyone.

I am proving that to myself.

I start driving. I reach the school. It’s decorated very well. They have fairy lights all around. I can see the girls in beautiful dresses on the arms of the boys in tuxes. There are a few groups of people hanging out here and there, talking with their friends. The hallways are full of people, too. People are chatting and laughing. Some are taking photos.

I make my way to the gym.

The gym doesn’t look like the gym. If not for the bleachers, no one would know it’s a gym. There are bars in one corner with sweets and drinks. They have adjusted disco lights so the whole gym is illuminated by them.

There is a DJ stand in one corner. I see Jason Swindlers on it. He is talking to a guy who is wearing headphones and has a mic in his hand. He is probably the DJ.

Jason Swindlers doesn’t notice me. I don’t want him to notice me.

I look around. I want to see a familiar face. I might not have any friends, but I do have a few acquaintances.

I see Jolene and Sean. I call their name and wave. I am relieved to see them.

“You look bomb,” Jolene comments as I get to them.

“Maybe it’s because I’ve already exploded,” I say,“ or maybe because I am going to explode soon.”

Jolene rolls her eyes. I laugh.

Everything is fine.

I will be fine.

As we talk about the winter formal, the DJ plays a song. People start heading towards the dance floor. Sean asks us if we want to dance. Jolene and I agree with him. We dance together. It’s a happy song. We throw our hands upwards and laugh. Sean dances horribly. He may have a nice brain, but he can’t dance to help himself. I dance and show them my moves. Jolene shakes her head, laughing.

It doesn’t feel that bad.

And then Jason Swindlers announces in the mic that tonight is a night for love, and he changes the song into a love song. People on the dance floor start coupling up. To my utter surprise, Sean wraps his hands around Jolene’s waist. I didn’t see that coming. They came to the winter formal together.

I try to make my way out of the dance floor. I am the only person left there without anyone with me. So I make my way out hurriedly.

I look back and see the couples slow dancing to the love song. I turn around. This time, I am alone for real.

“Damn, is that Gwen Bradbury?” I glance around, hearing that voice. Owen stands a foot away.

“Girl, you look like fire,” Owen says. “My brother’s gonna be burned.”

I don’t say anything in reply. I think I should leave now. I wanted to wear my dress, I wanted to dance. Both of those have been done. Now it’s time for me to go home.

I am going towards the exit but Owen says, “Hey, where are you going?”

I glance at him. I don’t owe him any answer.

“Where is Oliver? I saw him getting ready. Didn’t he pick you up?” Owen asks with concern etched on his face.

I don’t want to hear that name. I need to get out of here.

“Gwen, is there anything wrong?” Owen says.“Why isn’t Oli here yet?”

I am about to leave when Owen suddenly says, “Ah, there he is. Oli! Oliver!”

I blink. I am leaving now. Right at this moment.

“Hey, where are you going?” Owen says, and he grabs my hand.

“Let me go,” I say.

My heart picks up speed, and although I don’t want to see the person coming towards us, I glance at him.

He is wearing a black tux with a thin black tie. His blonde hair is mussed in a way that seems like he just ran his hands through it. As he sees me, his pink lips part slightly in surprise. His eyebrows shoot up a millimeter.

He is making his way towards us.

I need to leave.

I pull my hand out of Owen’s hold. I stride towards the exit. I hear Owen calling my name. I don’t look back.

I want to get out of here as soon as possible.

I thought I was fine. I don’t know who I was lying to.

It only took one glance at that person. I am back to where I was before.

*****

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