“She had the prettiest eyes

& prettiest smile with

Wounds on her heart and

bruises on her soul.”

-Tanya Gambhir

I stare at the mirror, zoning out once again. I sigh. There’s no stopping me from floating today.

I come out of the washroom and put on my clothes: a grey top, a pair of jeans, and my air forces. I head downstairs, reminding myself to smile when I need to.

Breakfast is mundane, and then it’s time to head to school. As soon as I reach school, I want to leave. It’s common on a spiral day that I hate to be here.

I open my locker, taking the necessary copies and books. I turn around and find Oliver standing in front of me. He never comes to my locker. We usually meet at Jason’s locker, which is on our way to the classrooms.

What is he doing here?

“Hi,” I say in surprise.

Oliver nods, and he scratches the back of his head like he is unsure of something, which is so not Oliver.

He places one his arm beside me on the locker and says, “I was thinking—”

“Yes?” I ask quietly.

Oliver stares at me silently. He inhales deeply. Then he sighs like he is giving up on whatever he is trying to say and asks me something that I never thought I would hear coming out of his mouth.

“Are you okay?” Oliver asks me, with no expression in his face, staring deep into my eyes.

I get alarmed almost instantly. It’s like something in me gets triggered.

Crap.

I must have looked so bad that even Oliver, who never asks me anything to be honest, ended up asking me if I’m okay.

This is not good. What happened to my brave face, my sunshine smile?

Smile, Gwen. Tell him you’re fantastic. Smile. Right now.

But I have something lodged in my throat. I look at Oliver, and I want to say Hide me from the world and tell me everything’s going to be okay. That I am strong enough to fight some more. That I’m brave. That I’m not alone.

But I can’t. I have no right to ask that from him. Instead, I say, “I am fine.”

Then I make the mistake of looking down at my shoes like I did something wrong. I can’t look him in the eyes.

Why did he even ask? Why did he burden me with this?

To change the subject, I say “So what's that you wanted—”

But before I can finish my sentence I’m engulfed in a hug. Oliver has his arms around me and is hugging me tight to his chest. I am so surprised I forget to react.

I shudder. I can’t breathe. Slowly I put my arms around him and inhale. Oliver runs his finger through my hair gently.

I am feeling such a strong wave of overcoming emotion that I think I will burst into atoms. My heart is going to explode, and there’s nothing I can do about it. My tears that I have been holding back threaten to spill like a fountain. I squeeze my eyes shut tightly.

“It’s going to be okay,” Oliver whispers into my hair.

I won’t cry. I won’t cry. I won’t overwhelm him. I won’t.

But my body shivers involuntarily and I choke in my tears. I pray that he doesn’t hear me although I’m right in his arms, hiding my face in his chest.

When we finally lean back, I look at him properly. He doesn’t look so fine himself. His hair looks like he pulled it quite a few times in frustration. His shirt isn’t ironed. His eyes are a little red. He probably didn’t sleep last night. Something is definitely going on.

I don’t force a smile on my face like I was planning to. I may not be okay, but at the same time, he may not be okay either. He needed the hug as much as I needed it. I stare at his eyes, and he doesn’t say a word. He doesn’t need to. A silent understanding passes between us in a brief moment.

“Hey guys!” Someone’s angry voice breaks the little bubble Oliver and I am in. We look at Jason’s direction. “Where’s my hug?”

I don’t know why, but I smile seeing the expression on Jason’s face. He narrows his eyes at me. Oliver looks a little amused too.

“I am the one who’s going through a break up, and nobody cares about me!” Jason complains.

I hold up my index finger. “Wasn’t it a one night stand?”

Jason glares at me. “Yeah, right, rub a little salt in the wound, why don’t you?”

I smile and throw one of my arms around him as we start to head towards our classroom. “Where’s the fun if I don’t.”

*****

I am sitting in my AP chemistry class, waiting for Mrs. Robin to turn up. I stare at my copies, zoning in and out.

“Bradbury!” I look up and see Owen crashing into the seat in front of mine.

“Guess who’s birthday is tomorrow!” Owen says, smirking.

I roll my eyes.

“Seriously, my brother’s rubbing off on you a lot. Isn’t he? That’s the expression I expected from him. Not you,” Owen makes his point.

I am actually surprised. Is that true?

“So what are you planning to do, oh-so-amazing Owen, for your birthday?” I say with a straight face. “Does that sound like me, now?”

Owen chuckles. “Nothing much. Just a party. Dropped here to tell you that you are invited.”

I nod. I look at the drink in his hand. It’s a coffee cup.

“Is that coffee?” I should have gotten myself one. Maybe that would help.

Owen looks at his cup and then looks at me. Then he smirks. “It’s something. Take a sip.”

I narrow my eyes. I take the cup from him nonetheless, lifting up the cover, I get a strong smell.

That’s so not coffee. It looks like black coffee but it isn’t.

“Oh, come on,” Owen says.

I take a little slip and my throat burns instantly. I cough out loudly as Owen throws his head back laughing.

I can feel the liquid burning its way down my body. It sits heavily in my stomach.

“What was that?!”

“Shh, you don’t want to tell everyone,” Owen warns me.

I look around and see people looking at us. Not us, they are looking at Owen.

“What did you mix in there? It’s so strong,” I ask him. I can still feel it in my stomach.

“Got a kick, doesn’t it?” Owen smirks.

I close my eyes and inhale. “How will you stand straight after drinking that? Don’t you have practice? Also, if anybody catches you-”

“It’s coffee, black coffee, duh,” Owen waves. “You kids worry too much.”

I glare at him. On cue, Mrs. Robin enters the class. Owen goes back to his seat. He looks back once, winks at me, and smiles.

I don’t feel good about this. Why would he bring that to school? Why would Owen do something like that? He’s the golden boy of our school. If he got caught with that, he might get suspended.

The class starts. So I try to pay attention, while throwing glances at Owen time to time. He sips on his ‘coffee’ whenever he gets a chance, and nobody even sees him doing it.

Nobody will suspect Owen doing something like that.

I wonder what Oliver will say about this.

As I reach our table at lunch, I find Jason instantly. Maybe I should talk to him first.

“Hey,” I sit down and Jason turns to me.

“Yo,” Jason says looking up from his phone.

“Have you seen Owen today?” I ask him.

Jason narrows his eyes at me. “Why?”

“I need to tell you something,” I say, frowning.

Jason leans forward. “Yes, what’s going on?”

I hear the chair moving beside mine. I look up and Oliver is taking his seat. I stop talking.

“So, what is it?” Jason says.

“Ahem, umm, you see Owen invited me to his birthday party, and I have no idea what to give him as a gift,” I say.

Jason raises his eyebrow, then slightly nods, realizing the change of my topic. He looks over at Oliver who’s his usual silent self.

“I will give him my Star Wars hoodie.” Jason shrugs. “Done.”

“Your Star Wars hoodie?” I ask.

“Yep, I only wore it once. It doesn’t fit me. I will give it to Owen,” Jason says,.“Maybe I should give him some porn too. He is turning 18 after all.”

I give him a disgusted look.

“What will I give him? I have no idea what he likes,” I say.

“Ego boost.”

Did Oliver just say that? I snap my head at him.

“What?” I ask him.

Oliver looks at me. As I realize he won’t say it again I look away.

“So, I’m thinking-”

I’m cut off by someone almost crashing at our table.

“Hey kids!”

It’s Owen. He looks terrible. At one glance, he doesn’t look that different, but if you look at him closely, or stand close to him, you’ll see the little wobble in his feet and smell his alcohol breath.

“Y’all are coming to the party, right?!” Owen says, placing both of his palm on the table, leaning down, and facing us. We stare at him.

“You’re drunk again,” Jason states calmly.

Again?

“Oi, shush,” Owen says, “Did you tell them?” Owen looks at me.

Jason and Oliver both look at me. I look down at my hands.

“You juniors are so scared,” Owen rolls his eyes, “A little fun never hurt anybody.”

“You’re wobbling on your feet,” Jason says.

“Nooope,” Owen says, standing straight as if to prove his point.

“You’ll get suspended, for God’s sake.” Jason says almost angrily. “How are you still not caught?”

Owen winks. “Duh, everybody looooves me.”

I can hear Oliver exhaling like he’s trying to calm himself.

“You,” Owen looks at Oliver, “You are gonna be there too. At the party. If you don’t come out of your room, I swear to God, I’ll pick you up and toss you out of there,” Owen says, pointing his index finger at Oliver, who’s glaring at him.

“God, God, don’t glare at me like that,” Owen says. “I’m older!”

Oliver keeps glaring. After a few seconds he says, “Then act like it.”

Owen waves. “You’re no fun.”

He looks at all of us one by one and then says, “Everyone is invited to the party, okay. Don’t miss it. Come early. I’ll see ya.”

He turns around and almost loses his balance. Then he looks back at us and gives us a thumbs up before vanishing out the door.

“Doesn’t he have class right now?” Jason says.

I look at Oliver sideways who is staring at the table, his eyes unfocused.

“He was drinking. He had something in a coffee cup,” I say slowly. “I saw that in our Chemistry class in the first period.”

Oliver looks out the window. I look at Jason. Jason and I turn to Oliver.

A few moments later he sees us and snaps, “What?”

We look away and finish our lunch silently. The tension in the air is heavy. I don’t know how this is affecting Oliver.

But I can say for sure that he cares.

*****

After a lot of searching for the perfect gift for Owen, I bought a mug as a joke. Hopefully, Owen won’t mind.

The party is tonight, and I literally have nothing to wear. Thanks to Owen for telling me about it just one day earlier.

How would I know it’s his birthday today?

Apparently, many people at school knew that. Today, almost everyone was wishing Owen a happy birthday. I heard them in the hallway. He looked cheerful as he thanked them. He wasn’t drunk today. Or maybe he was.

Although it is his brother’s birthday, I didn’t see anything different going on with Oliver. He was brooding as usual. If anything, he even talked less, which means he probably said one whole sentence throughout the entire day.

Jason cheered on Owen as he saw him. They had a bro hug. Owen threw Oliver a glance. Oliver didn’t even look at him. Then Owen looked at me. I rolled my eyes which made him laugh.

Now I’m at home getting ready for the party. I feel a little nervous about this, but I suppress my feelings while looking for something to wear. My room is an absolute mess as I kept throwing clothes everywhere.

I give up and sit on the floor. I look at the closet one last time.

Something catches my eye. It’s a blue dress. I stand up and pull it out.

It’s almost one and half years old. I wore it to Doughty’s birthday party when we were all sophomores. I remember Dean picking me up from my house, and Claire joining us on the way as we went to the party.

I don’t know if the dress will fit me or not. It used to be a little loose. I gained a little weight. So it may fit now.

I put the dress on. I was right. It fits better now. I brush my hair and try to do something natural with my eyes. I keep it simple. I don’t feel like doing much today. I go downstairs, take my gift, and start for the Carlson house.

As Jason will be helping Owen and his friends, I am going to the party alone tonight. It’s not that far. I will just walk.

I reach the Carlson house soon enough. There’s already so many people here. The place is crowded. The music is extremely loud. The living room is almost unrecognizable.

How will I even find anyone here?

I don’t see anybody that I know. Owen really did invite everyone. I think of calling Jason but I don’t think he’ll pick up his phone.

I decide to find the birthday boy first. I ask a few people. They shrug. They have no idea where he is.

Seriously, people. It’s his birthday party.

Finally, I see him around the bar he has set up for the party. Of course he is there. I should have known.

“Owen!” I wave as I push my way there. The dance floor is a mess.

Owen looks around and finds me. “Bradbury is here!”

I finally reach him. “For God’s sake, did you invite the whole country?”

Owen chuckles, “Wish me first!”

“Yeah, yeah, Happy Birthday,” I say and place the gift in his hand.

“What is it?” Owen starts tearing the wrapping paper right away. I didn’t expect anything less.

He brings out the mug and reads what it says. Then he looks at me. “But why does it say ‘Second best’ ?! I am the best!”

I laugh. Owen shakes his head. “Have you seen Jason?”

Owen looks around the room again. “I think I saw Jason and Oliver that corner.”

So Oliver did come out of his room.

I nod at Owen and start my search for the boys. Soon, I see them sitting at bar stools around a small bar set up in the corner. They are talking about something.

“Hey!” I say as I walk up to them.

“Hey, it’s Gwen,” Jason says.

Oliver looks at me mid-sentence while saying something to Jason. His eyes fall on me. He freezes.

*****

“I can hear you coming

The vibration of you

Through my body

Quiet is what I need

The back of my head aches

My heart pounds

My ears ring

Quiet, Quiet, Quiet

They scream together

I can't calm down”