“You don’t know what goes on in anyone’s life but your own. And when you mess up with one part of a person’s life, you’re not messing with just that part….Everything affects everything.”

- 13 Reasons Why

It’s 3 am. My windows are open. The night is still. No wind is blowing. There is no sound outside. Everything is extremely quiet.

I am struggling in my bed, trying not to do something I will regret later. Mom and Dad are sleeping downstairs, and I am here, trying not to claw my face, or do something equally horrible.

I sit up and take some deep breaths. I know what I need to do. I need to cry. Somehow, I need to make myself cry. If I can cry, this squeezing pain in my chest will go away. I will not have this shortness of breath. I will not feel so terrible. I will be able to sleep. I will stop having my spiral days.

I try. I try my best. I think of my worst days. I think of my worst memories, but I can’t. I can’t make myself cry.

I breathe helplessly. My hands shake. I am going to. I am going to...

No, I can’t. I can’t. If I go there once, I will keep doing it, again and again. I will not stop. I can’t do that myself. I will not do that to myself. I promised myself I would never. I need to be strong. This will pass. Tonight is the worst, but tomorrow morning it will be fine again, and I will regret doing that if I do it now. I will regret everything.

I am already in a hole from where I can’t get out. I can’t dig it deeper with my own hands. I will not let my demons take that away from me too. Even if I am hurting like this, hurting so much that I want to do it. Hurting so much that I-

I need to think about something else. I need to find a distraction. How can I find a distraction at 3 in the morning? Nothing can save me. I am awake with my demons, with this deeper-than-black darkness.

But they can’t consume me. I have been here before and I know it always passes. All I need to do is hold on, hold onto something.

Once upon a time, I had a best friend whom I would have taken help from. But Claire went away.

Once upon a time, I thought there was this guy who may have loved me. Dean proved me wrong.

And once upon a time, I had someone whom I called my best friend forever, with whom I shared everything. When she was here, everything was different. I was a different Gwen. I didn’t have spiral days. I didn’t feel like this.

I was a normal girl, with my usual life and nothing much to worry about. Life was way easier.

I had a best friend who was the nicest person on earth.

Faye Thrasher.

But Faye, just like the others, proved me wrong, and she was the first one to do so.

All of this started with Faye Thrasher turning her back on me.

*****

It was the summer before the start of high school. We passed our elementary school together, Faye and I. She was my best friend. In our elementary school, we had this teacher, Mrs. Morris, who made us sit alphabetically in her class. I had my seat next to Faye, and that’s how I met her.

We realized we had so much in common that it almost seemed impossible. Both of us were lazy and we hated waking up early. We were not morning people, we didn’t like unnecessary drama, we didn’t like to wear makeup at school, and we hated boy trouble as well.

We both loved fiction and romantic movies, which was like the base of our friendship. We talked about every book we read and suggested songs, artists, movies, and everything we used to be interested in.

Everything was just perfect. Faye and I were inseparable. The summer was great. We had sleepovers, and as we were lazy, we didn’t do much, other than staying at home and finishing our favorite books.

High school was starting, and neither of us were excited because we already knew it would be horrible, and we didn’t have many expectations. We didn’t like parties, we decided. We were gonna hide in the shadows and stay out of all drama, we decided.

And soon it was the first day of Freshman year.

I stood at Faye’s locker, absolutely devastated about how it was so far from mine. Faye came with her schedule, and I started checking.

“No way,” I said. “No freaking way.”

“What happened?” Faye asked.

“We have no common classes, other than Maths and English,” I said.

“Umm,” Faye looked at her schedule. “It will be okay. We will meet up after class, Gwen.”

“This is not fair,” I frowned as we walked and had to part ways. I couldn’t believe I had to do my first class without Faye.

“Hey, G,” Faye looked at me. “We are gonna have lunch together, and also, you are my best friend. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Yeah,” I said.

“And we already know, it’s highschool, it’s disappointing,” Faye said.

Like always, I agreed with whatever she said.

When we met at lunch, we picked our table outside the cafeteria, one of those picnic tables under the open sky in the field. It was way less crowded than the cafeteria itself.

“So, how did it go?” Faye asked as we sat down.

“Oh, well, you remember Sean and Jolene? They’re, like, in every class with me,” I replied.

I used to have this weird competition with them about our grades. It was stupid, yet it made me do my homework in time, just so I could do better than them.

“And I met these girls, Ashley, Payton and Kayla,” Faye said with a smile. “Ashley is the nicest person I have ever come across. You have to meet her.”

“Really?” I asked. “I thought you were the nicest person on earth.”

Faye rolled her eyes. Then she started telling me about the movie she’d watched the previous night.

It was always so easy talking with Faye because she talked non-stop. She always has a topic ready, and we would always have something to say. Faye told me about the movies, the books. I listened, and then I would check them out.

And it went on like this. I met Ashley. I told her how Faye was the nicest person I had ever met. Ashley was nice, too.

I waited for Faye in front of her locker, everyday. I waited outside Faye’s class so we could go to lunch together. Faye would come out of her class, laughing and talking with the girls. Then she would see me, and we would go our own way.

My best friend really was the nicest person. Even though she was making new friends, she put me first. I have never seen Faye hurt anyone. I have never seen her get mad at anyone. She had a smile on her face for everyone she met.

And soon, she had many friends other than me. Ashley, Payton, Kayla, Cameron, and Scott.

Her friends were nice people as well. Payton was a beautiful girl, with her long blonde hair and her perfect makeup look. Her fashion sense was something to be envied. She was good at her studies as well.

Ashley was a good girl. She was really quiet, and she didn’t talk much. Payton and Faye literally adored her. Kayla was this girl who talked non-stop. Cameron and Scott were these cool troublemaker guys. They were fun to hang out with.

But me and Faye, we were still best friends.

Little did I know, only I thought that way. That it was me who thought Faye and I were best friends.

And soon it started t0 show.

First, it started with her appearance, I saw Faye wearing makeup and I was shocked.

“When did you wake up to put this on?” I asked looking at her.

“Honestly, it takes like five minutes,” Faye said, and then I saw her manicured nails.

“You have a manicure! Who are you and what happened to Faye Thrasher?” I asked with my eyes wide as saucers.

“Well, umm, Payton and I had a girls night. We went shopping, and we also got manicures on the way,” Faye said with a smile.

“You didn’t tell me you had a girl’s night with Payton,” I said, looking away.

“Oh, we didn’t tell anyone actually, because Ashley’s mom is really strict, and Kayla had to babysit her brother,” Faye said shrugging. “So Payton and I thought we would just go alone and not tell them. They would probably feel they left out.”

“Oh, right,” I said as we reached our class.

“And also, I know you are not really into makeup and stuff, so I thought,” Faye said.

“But I would have gone for you, I guess,” I said.

“Nah, you would have been really bored. We went to, like, so many shops,” Faye said with a look of horror.

“Yeah,” I agreed with her. “ I will see you at lunch.”

I didn’t see her at lunch, because she went out of the school with Kayla. And she forgot to tell me.

That day, I realized I was losing my best friend, and maybe she was not on the same page as me. So I decided to test this theory.

The next day, I didn’t go to her locker. I waited by my locker thinking maybe she would show up. She didn’t.

That day at lunch, I didn’t wait outside her class. I sat at our usual table. Faye didn’t come to find me.

As the idiot I am, I went looking for her, and I found her in the center table of the cafeteria with her friends, sitting there and laughing with them.

Faye saw me. She stood up and came my way. “Hey, where were you?”

“At our table?” I said.

“Oh,” Faye said. “I was caught up with this story Payton was telling everyone.”

Faye went back to her seat, and I did another idiotic thing. I followed her. She pulled up a chair for me. I sat there with her friends, listening to their stories, realizing they are way way cooler than I ever was, realizing Faye was cool as well. And I felt so out of place, with my makeupless, bare face, my non-sarcastic comments, and my empty brain. I felt like a stupid person, but my best friend didn’t realize, because she was one of them now. Someone who I’ll never be.

Months went on like that. I still waited for her, and I would call Faye to have lunch with me as I hated to sit with her ‘friends.’ She would sit with me, but she didn’t talk much like before. Our conversation slowly died, and I saw that happening.

“I watched this movie.” I said one day at lunch to spark up a conversation. “There was this guy and he-”

As I was in the middle of the story, Faye gave me a look. “I have watched it. It is the worst movie I have ever watched.”

“I didn’t mind it that much-”

“Yeah, there is like no freaking storyline,” Faye complained, as the movie critic she was. “Payton suggested to me this series. I’m watching it, and it’s really cool.”

“Oh, what is it?” I asked looking down.

“Never mind me, you won’t like it,” Faye replied, like she was bored.

I felt hurt, but I didn’t say anything. More days went by, and then came winter. We were walking aimlessly as we finished our lunch.

“It’s so freaking cold this year. Isn’t it?” I said.

Faye didn’t reply. So I thought she didn’t hear me. I repeated what I said.

“Oh, so we are talking about the weather now? The freaking weather,” Faye said, looking unimpressed.

I closed my mouth and didn’t say anything.

Christmas went. The school opened, and I was sitting at lunch. Surprising enough, Faye was still with me.

We were having lunch in silence when suddenly Faye started speaking.

“You do realize you don’t talk much, don’t you?” She said.

Because you manage to shut me up, I wanted to say. But I didn’t.

“I mean,” Faye sighed. “You are so boring, and an idiot, and so stupid, I can’t,” She said.

I blinked.

“I am just so tired of this,” Faye said. “I don’t really understand what’s wrong with you. It’s like being with a dead person.”

I couldn’t come up with a reply. Faye shook her head and finished her lunch.

The next day, I hid in the library just so I didn’t have to see her face, still not quite believing what I heard coming out of her mouth. And of course, she didn’t look for me.

Faye was so nice to everyone, to every single person out there, and nobody would believe that she said those words calmly like that, sitting with me at lunch. I never saw that coming.

Two days later, I accidentally bumped into Faye. “Where were you? I was looking for you everywhere,” she said.

What a liar, I thought.

“Yeah right, because you were missing this stupid, boring person,” I managed to utter, with my voice shaking.

“Really? You are still holding on to that?” Faye shook her head. “You know I didn’t mean it that way. You’re not moody like Kayla, are you? She minds everything I say.”

“Yeah, right,” I said. “I totally didn’t mind.”

“Anyways, Payton invited me to this party,” Faye said, and I stopped her.

“And you already know I’m not gonna go,” I said for her.

“Yeah, like, since when do you?” Faye laughed.

“Right, enjoy your party. You are not even gonna miss me, because who am I?” I replied, laughing.

“Gwen, you are being so dramatic,” Faye said.

“Yes, because I am always the one who is chasing you,” I said. “You don’t even want to be my friend!”

“Who said anything about chasing?” Faye asked.

I saw Ashley standing around. I grabbed her and asked, “Aren’t I always the one who’s going after Faye? Does she ever check for me?”

“Yeah, you’re right.” Ashley replied. I looked at Faye.

“You sat with Jolene and Sean the other day,” Faye complained.

“Right. Why are we having this conversation when you don’t even care?” I said. “It will just be better if we...”

“You are not really doing this, are you?” Faye asked.

“I mean, you’re tired of me anyway,” I said with a sad smile and walked away from her.

And that was the end of it. I did hope Faye would say sorry, that she would come after me as my best friend, that it would not just be the end.

But it was. Even though we stopped talking that day, Faye’s voice didn’t leave me, really.

Even now when I start to talk to people, I hear her in my mind, saying how boring and stupid I am, saying how I am such an idiot.

I see her in the hallways. Some days, she will look at me and smile. We will act like nothing happened, and we will wave at each other. Some days she will act like she doesn’t know me and look the other way.

And she still has all her friends, Ashley, Payton, Kayla, Cameron and Scott. Ashley was nice enough to follow me on Instagram so I followed her back. And now I see her posts about her ‘best friend’ Faye, and I see stories of Faye and her friends having fun.

Last year, I shared Chemistry with Payton. We used to chitchat in our class, as she knew me. The class was right before lunch. So, when the class ended, I would see Faye waiting outside our class for Payton everyday. I would look at Payton and say, “There’s your best friend.”

Payton would smile and then meet Faye. They would head for lunch together. And I would stay right where I was, as the boring, stupid, dead me.

It doesn’t even matter now.

The only thing I ever wonder is would it be different for me if Faye was never my friend? Maybe it would, maybe it wouldn’t. I will never know.

*****