“The truth is everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the one worth suffering for.”

-Bob Marley

“It’s your fault. You are the one who dumped me in the water when I had my clothes on,” I say, trying not to smile.

Oliver glares at me sideways while unlocking his bedroom door.

I am currently in my swimsuit, wrapped in a towel, dripping water on the hardwood floor in front of Oliver’s room.

Oliver is angry because of two reasons: First, we played water volleyball. Oliver lost, I won. Well, there is the little detail that Jason was on my team. He only scored 5 times, and we won the game 5-3. So, yeah, obviously Oliver is angry.

And also, because he dropped me in the water with my clothes on, he now has to lend me clothes, so he has unlocked his bedroom. He didn't want me to snoop in, but now he is inviting me inside himself.

Look what fate did to poor Oliver. Or, may I say, what he did to himself.

Oliver opens the door. I smirk as we walk inside.

His room is exactly how I saw it on that party night. Everything is in its place. Suddenly, I wonder if he actually uses this room at all.

“Stay here. I will bring you something to wear,” Oliver says to me with his brows knitted.

Someone is still angry.

I follow him nonetheless. He opens the walk-in closet. I go inside right after him.

“Why do I even bother telling you?” he mumbles, going through his rows of shirts. I smirk.

Oliver pushes his shirts aside, revealing a row of sweatshirts. He turns to me. “Take one from here.”

I spot a green one that has Sponge Bob’s face in it. My eyes shine. I go to grab it, and Oliver stops me by holding my wrist.

“No. Not that one. That’s my favourite one,” Oliver says.

“You just wanted to hold my hand,” I accuse him.

Oliver doesn’t let go, but he rolls his eyes. I smirk, still going for that same sweatshirt.

“Didn’t I say-”

“That’s exactly why I want it,” I reason, smiling.

Oliver sighs. “Obviously. Should have seen that coming.”

I chuckle and drop my towel, putting the shirt on. It smells like soap and detergent, but there is also another smell. Something homey. I don't know what it is.

I pull it down. It fits me pretty well except for the fact that it reaches down to almost two inches above to my knees. I don't even need pants.

“This sweatshirt smells like-” I narrow my eyes and stalk towards Oliver. He leans back.

“What are you even-”

“Mmh, this shirt smells like you,” I decide.

“Of course it does. I wear it,” Oliver answers and shoves me back gently.

I step back and ask him, “So, how do I look?”

Oliver stares into my eyes. “You look weird.”

“You know, you need to look down to see the shirt. There's nothing in my eyes,” I say accusingly.

Oliver still keeps staring at my eyes and doesn't look down. “I don’t need to look down to see that you look weird.”

I know what he is doing. I hope I know what he is doing.

“You are afraid,” I whisper. “You are afraid to see me as who I am. Someone you may even like.”

I swear I see Oliver’s eyes darken. And then he knocks me off guard by taking three steps towards me. I step back quickly, and my back hits the closet door. There is nowhere to hide.

Oliver leans down a little to meet my eyes. “Some day, I will show you how scared I am.”

I forget to breathe. “I can’t wait for that day.”

Oliver’s eyes flicker over my eyes, and then they stray down, down, down.

I hold my breath for the sake of my life. Oliver wants to kill me.

He takes a step back, putting a decent amount of distance between us, and says, “I still think you look weird.”

“Then maybe you like weird,” I say, breaking my lips into a grin.

Oliver doesn’t reply, but the look in his eyes says yes a thousand times.

I would have loved to stare at him all day, but then I see something behind him. A door.

“Is that a door?” I say.

Oliver snaps his head to where I am looking.

“Does that door lead to another room? Maybe the next room? That room is always locked. It was locked on the party night. It is locked today.”

Oliver gazes back at me. “Gwen.”

“Wait.” Suddenly my brain makes the connection. “I saw you vanishing in the closet that night. You used this closet door to go to the other room. That is a secret room, right?”

Oliver holds my gaze. “You were drunk that night.”

“Yeah, but I was sobered up enough to see that,” I say.

“Really? I don’t think so,” Oliver steps towards me, “because as I can remember, you told me to join you in bed that night.”

“Exactly,” I say. “That proves how sober I was. If I was drunk I would have explained to you how I want you to join me in bed, word by word.”

Oliver gives me a look. “And that’s your cue to leave this closet. In fact, this bedroom.”

“Wait, I see what you’re doing. You are trying to change the subject,” I say. Oliver puts his hands on my shoulders and turns me around towards the door.

“It’s your secret room, right? You were not at the party that night. You were in that room. Is that why-”

Oliver has already pushed me outside of the closet. He leads me out of his bedroom.

I make more connections in my brain, and what I come up with makes sense. “Is that why you were so surprised to see me? Is that why you wanted to kick me out? You were in that room, doing that ‘better thing’ you talk about. Your secret project.”

We are already in front of the stairs when Oliver stops and looks at me.

“What secret project?”

“I don’t know, maybe you’re an artist? You’re secretly making a portrait of me and hiding it in there?” I say.

Oliver raises one eyebrow. “Sorry to break your heart. Haven’t I already told you, you’re really bad at guessing?”

“So, there is something in there,” I emphasize.

Oliver rolls his eyes, and then we hear Jason shouting.

“Guys! Will you come down?! The movie is starting,” Jason yells from downstairs.

“Come on,” Oliver says and starts towards downstairs.

I turn around for the last time and wonder what he is hiding in that room.

*****

I kick around in the air aimlessly. The wooden ramp gives me a nice view of the moon. I sigh.

It is 6 pm. I should go back home. I sit up and stare at the water.

I watched Star Wars with the boys. Actually, if I say I watched, it would be a lie. I didn’t pay attention. Well, I tried for the first few minutes. Then I started floating. My spiral days aren’t ending.

When I was at Oliver’s, I was happy, despite that time when Owen gave me that shit show. I left his house happy.

Also, the conversation we had before I left his house was quite amazing too.

Oliver: I am not going to get that sweatshirt back. Am I?

Me: *putting on the sweatshirt over my shirt* What made you think I will give it back?

Oliver: *huffs* Right. Thought so.

Me: There is something in this fabric. They make boy sweatshirts with different kinds of fabric which are more comfortable than the girls’ one. I am going to shop from the boys’ section from now on.

Oliver: *silent stare*

From his house, I walked to the lakeside, and I am still here.

I don’t know what I can do to change the situation I’m in. I have tried all types of things. The fact that I have realized is, every feeling I get nowadays is temporary, except for my spiral feelings. I felt happy, I felt energetic. I talked to the boys, and I had a nice time with them. But the happiness, the elated feelings, didn’t follow me. I left them. I am back to being me.

It is not like I wish they will solve my problem, or being with them will solve my problem. I just want to feel something that feels true. I should not feel what I am feeling as ‘surface happiness’. The smiles, the grins I have on my face, are fake.

But that is how it really is. Fake.

And that makes me feel like a shitty person, too.

They showed in the movie Inside out that you have some core memories which makes you who are. My core memories are so messed up that I can’t feel that happiness anymore. My core has been destroyed and replaced by some terrible memories, which makes me who I am now: a terrible person, a shallow, fake person.

The people who destroyed my core memories don’t even have any idea what they did. I would never tell them. The stuff I told them, anything I showed them, I regret doing it. I regret everything I did. I guess it would have been very different if they weren’t in my life.

You know, maybe life doesn’t suck. It is the people that you let in your life that suck. And my life sucks the most, because all around me were the wrong people.

I don’t like these words, broken, scarred, hopeless, sad, depressed, and so on. The words you will use to define people. These words do not define people. In fact, I believe you can never use one word to define someone. I can never define a human being by one word. That is exactly why I don’t define myself.

At the end of the day, I am Gwen. And that’s all anyone needs to know, because when I told them more, they defined me. I don’t want to be defined ever again.

*****

I close the front door and take my shoes off. Mom is in the kitchen. Dad is in the living room. It is 8 pm. I am one hour late.

“Hey,” I say to Mom. She turns to me and gives me an unimpressed look.

“Where were you?” Mom asks.

That question makes me uncomfortable, but I have an answer. “I went to Claire’s. You know, reconnecting and stuff. It took quite a while. Also, Claire’s aunt didn’t let me leave without dinner, so I am full.”

Mom narrows her eyes at me, but doesn’t sense my lie. She goes back to cooking the rest of the dinner when I walk to her and make her turn towards me. Then I hug my mother.

She is so warm, and hugging her makes me feel so good, like I am back to being a little child again, a little Gwen who was so different from the Gwen she has become now.

Did she ever think she would become the person I am now? If I told little Gwen who she would become, she would hit me. Little Gwen had big expectations. If I told her everything, she would be crushed.

What Oliver said is true. I am lucky to have my mother, my father, my big brother. They are so pure, such faithful, hopeful people that I just can’t tell them what has been going on. They would be devastated. They would ask me why. They would ask me how. They would ask me when.

They would ask me why I didn’t tell them before. The fact that they love me so much is the exact reason why I can’t tell them what has been going on. I can’t break their hearts, even if it means I will keep floating.

I squeeze my eyes shut and don’t let my tears fall on my mom’s shoulder. I lean back from her and smile. Mom smiles a little.

“What-”

“Nothing, Mom,” I assure her. “Can’t I just hug you?”

Mom shakes her head as if she doesn’t believe me. She takes a few strands of my hair in her hand and says, “Look at your hair. It looks like a mess.”

“That is why I want to cut it short,” I say.

“No,” My mom says instantly. “You have such healthy hair. You don’t take care of it like you used to. You don't even comb it properly. And look at your eyes. You have dark circles.”

Must be because I can’t sleep at night.

“What do you do all night? Are you on your phone? You will sleep at 12 tonight. Do you hear me?” Mom scolds.

“Okay. I will. Have to get rid of my dark circles, don’t I?” I say jokingly. Mom doesn’t appreciate that. “I am going upstairs.”

When I reach my room, I close the door and slide to the floor. My heart squeezes with pain. It is so heartbreaking, how there is no one who will understand, who will listen.

If you go around in a desert in the hot scorching sun, how thirsty will you be for a drop of water? Now, imagine you are becoming more thirsty everyday that you spend in your desert. You just want a drop of water. Everything inside you has dried up, but you are not going to die. You are cursed. You will stay thirsty and keep going around in the desert.

That is how I feel. My drop of water never arrives. And then I am fooled by some people, thinking they will give me that drop of water. Instead, they gave me poison. I can’t get out of my never ending desert. I just become more thirsty with every day that passes.

I know that drop of water will never arrive, but that doesn’t stop me. I keep running under that hot scorching sun. Maybe I am getting used to it.

*****