“Oh yes. The past can hurt you. But, you can either run from it or learn from it. ”

- The Lion King

When Oliver said he would eat lunch outside, I thought he meant the picnic tables we have outside the cafeteria. Instead, I found him sitting on top of the bleachers with his feet dangling on either side of a bench, that book and an apple in his hand.

I climb up the bleachers and sit down. I haven’t bothered to get lunch as I don’t feel hungry.

Oliver takes a bite of his apple and keeps reading. I don’t break his concentration, so I look around. There are not many people outside. I tap my feet on the seat and hum a song under my breath. After a few minutes, I am bored.

I jump down from my seat. Oliver glances at me but doesn’t say anything. I walk around until I reach the bike stand. I get my bike and head for the front gate. It is open wide.

“Where do you think you are going?” Oliver says walking beside me.

“Outside,” I reply. As I am about to hop onto my bike, Oliver grabs the handle.

“I am coming with you,” Oliver says.

“And what did I do to deserve this honor?” I ask him.

“To make sure you come back in time,” Oliver replies.

I raise my eyebrow. Then I roll my eyes.

“If you can keep up with me by walking, sure,” I say to him.

Oliver doesn't let go of my bike. “Walk to my house first. I have a bike too.”

“And why would I do that?” I ask him.

I don’t know what is wrong with him. What gave him the idea that he is my guardian angel, and he needs to look out for me?

Oliver stares at me, drilling me with his eyes, as if he can make me agree with him by the sheer force of his gaze.

“Whatever,” I shrug and walk forward. He walks next to me.

We reach his house. I wait outside as he gets his bike. It is an old bike. He has to make adjustments while I wait. Then he gets on. We start riding.

I have been biking around a lot lately. The speed, the freedom and control and everything rushing past me as I speed up; that is my favorite part about biking. But of course, Oliver has other plans.

“Slow down, Gwen,” he calls from behind me.

I sigh and slow down a little bit.

The streets are empty. The wind is blowing gently. We bike side by side. I am heading for the lake. I don’t know how, but the lakeside has become my escape place. I feel a sense of calm whenever I am there.

“Where are we going?” Oliver asks as we start biking into the woods that are around the lake.

“Never been here before?” I ask back.

Oliver turns his head around and takes a look.

“Relax, nothing is going to jump out at you,” I say.

“You never know,” Oliver mumbles.

I laugh. Oliver snaps his head towards me.

“I come here almost everyday. I know this place like the back of my hand.” I roll my eyes.

“Why?” Oliver asks.

“Why what?” I ask back.

“Why do you come here everyday?” Oliver asks.

I smirk. “To murder people I don't like.”

Oliver gives me a look.

“The whole area is quiet and empty. If you scream, no one is going to hear you. You came here of your own free will, and now I am going to kill you.” I gaze at him, giving him what I will call a ‘dangerous stare’.

Oliver stares right back. “I expect nothing less from you.”

I smirk. “Of course, you don't.”

I stop my bike and drop it on the ground as I reach the lake. Like a good boy, he adjusts his bike on the side stand and then follows me. The wooden ramp squeaks under our feet. I feel the same sense of emptiness inside me that I have been feeling since the morning.

I turn around and spot Oliver. He looks troubled. This may be fun, after all.

“I am going to cut your head off and dump you in the water,” I say.

Oliver drops the ‘troubled boy’ look and says, “What weapons do you have?”

“A knife,” I reply.

Oliver takes a step towards me, shortening the distance between us.

“Yeah?” he asks.

“And then, I am going to escape this town,” I say.

Oliver takes another step towards me. I step back. There is something in his eyes, something new, something I haven’t seen before. A spark, a glint of amusement.

I roam my eyes around his face. His eye lashes, his nose, his lips, pink and curled into a smirk.

Oliver takes another step forward and I step back.

“Take a swim with me,” I whisper.

My blood pumps in my heart. I feel this rush of adrenaline. Something I haven’t felt in a while. My heart beats loudly. It is this lakeside, empty and quiet. It is us. We are alone. Oliver and me.

Maybe I can finally be awake.

People change when they get in the water, or so I have heard. Oliver may change his mind too, who knows.

“Really?” Oliver asks, knocking me off with a look. He is stalking towards me with a look of a predator. For once, I am scared a little.

I step backwards. My heart is pounding in my ear.

“I thought you wanted to kill me,” Oliver says.

“In the water,” I reply, stepping back again.

The air around us sparks with energy. It is in him. It is in me. It is between us. I don’t know if he can feel it, but I can.

If I can touch that energy, get it inside of me, maybe I will be awake again.

“Are you sure?” Oliver asks, his gaze boring into mine. His eyes roam around my face. His eyes, dark and dilated. I gulp.

I step backwards. The wood squeaks. My feet slide and my eyes widen. I feel the gravity pulling me.

Oliver’s hands shoot out, grab me by my wrists, and pull me against him. I am flushed against his body.

“Don’t slip, Gwen,” Oliver whispers, staring right into my eyes.

We have never been this close before. For the first time, I see the tiny gold freckles in his dark eyes.

“I was not going to,” I say.

“Yeah,” Oliver pulls back a little but doesn’t let go of me. “Let’s head back.”

“Already?” I ask.

“Yes,” Oliver says. Letting go of my hand, he checks his watch. “Lunchtime is over.”

“So?” I say.

“So we are going back to school.” Oliver tugs my hand and turns around.

“No,” I stay firm on the ground. “I am not going back.”

“Gwen,” Oliver says, “You wanted to come outside, you did. Lunchtime is over. We should go back if you don’t want to get in trouble.”

“I don't care,” I reply.

“I do,” Oliver says.

“Really? I don't think so,” I say.

Oliver closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “Don’t mess around. Let’s go back to school.”

Oliver drags me with him. I shake off his hand. “You go back. I will stay here. I didn’t tell you to come here with me.”

I turn around. After the crash with Dean, I was barely holding myself together. I am not going back to school to make a mess of myself. I will hide out here and then I will go back home.

“You will stay here and miss your classes?” Oliver asks from behind me.

I snort.

“Are you the same girl who won the Mathalon and Science Olympiad three years in a row?” Oliver asks.

I blink in surprise. How does he know that?

“Gwen,” Oliver says.

“Go back, Oliver,” I say, my voice shaking.

Great. Now I am going to cry because of him, because he reminded me of a sore spot.

Yes, I am the same girl who won the Mathalon and Science Olympiad three years in a row. Yes, I am the same girl who was focused, had friends, had courage and the will to try, to succeed in anything she put her mind to. I am the same girl who made her parents and her brother proud, saw the lights in their eyes, shining because of her.

But then I also had me. Now I don’t.

I am standing on the edge. I have been standing on the edge for six months. I haven’t tripped yet, and I am not going to. I don’t have the courage to let myself fall completely.

That is why I’m still holding on, trying, pushing, hoping that someday, someone will listen to my silent screams. Someday, I will be able to scream louder, so everyone can hear me. Right now, I don’t have the courage to do that either.

My tears threaten to spill, but I won’t cry in front of Oliver. I will never let him see my weakness. I will never fall apart in front of him. I won’t allow myself to do that.

“Gwen, let’s go,” Oliver says again.

I shake my head. Can you cry underwater? I am about to find the answer to that question.

“Leave me alone, Oliver,” I say.

There must have been something in my voice, something that sounded final. Oliver realizes I am not going to go with him. I hear the wooden ramp squeak as he steps away. And then it is gone.

Oliver is gone.

I take a deep breath. I strip from my clothes and get in the water. The coolness of the water is a balm to my skin. My heart pounds as I swim around. I get to the middle of the lake and try to stay afloat. That is what I do best; stay afloat.

I dive underwater and let the water pressure me, consume me. When I run out of breath, I come up for air. My lungs struggle to fill up, and a sob escapes me.

That is why I never cry in public, never cry in front of anyone. When I cry, I cry like a baby. I cry ugly. Once I start crying, I can’t stop myself, so I avoid it at all costs.

Turns out I failed today. I don’t know if you can cry underwater or not, but you can when you are floating, with your face above the water and your body still underneath. It is a struggle.

I reach the opposite bank and sit up on the ground. I hug myself as I try to stop crying. When I’m done, I get back in the water and stare at the empty wooden ramp, the path leading back into the woods, from where Oliver and I came.

It is so weird. I told him to leave, but one tiny part of me wished he hadn’t. That part wished Oliver stayed back and asked me what was wrong, asked me if I’m alright. If he did, maybe I would have said the truth.

I shake my head. That would have been a sign of weakness. That would have been a disaster. I am happy that he left.

After I am done in the water, I go back to the ramp. I put on my clothes and walk back into the woods, where I left my bicycle. The lake vanishes behind me.

When I reach my bike, I am surprised to see the person leaning against a tree, with his head inside a small book wrapped in brown paper.

I wonder what is in that book.

Hearing my footsteps, Oliver looks up and our eyes meet. The spark I felt there, between us, is gone. Instead, in our gazes there is something intense, something I can’t make sense of.

Why did he stay?

“I lost my way while I was trying to get out,” Oliver answers the question I had in my mind.

I glance at the way we came through. It’s a straight path and it leads right out of the woods towards the street. If Oliver biked ahead, he would find the main street in two minutes. I don’t think he is stupid enough that he can’t go back the way he came.

I don’t reply to his excuse. Instead, I hop on my bike and start riding ahead. Oliver follows me. We ride to the main street, and I am hoping now he will go away.

I ride towards the opposite of the road that leads to school and surprisingly enough, Oliver is still with me. I bike towards the outskirts of the town. The houses are pretty here. Their roofs are red and they are all exactly of the same design. The road takes us to a bridge. Our town ends here. I see a sign that says the next town is 0 miles away.

I stop at the bridge. Oliver does the same. We stand at the bridge looking at the road that leads to the next town. Maybe I should really escape.

I sigh and turn around towards the road leading to our town. Oliver is with me. We don’t say a word as we ride side by side, and we soon return to our familiar streets.

The sun is setting. Everywhere around us, there is a golden glow. I look over at Oliver. His blonde hair looks golden in the sun. His skin is glowing. He looks like some sort of character from the mythologies. His eyes are looking ahead, watching the road.

I look away. I remember a scene from The Hunger Games. Peeta was painting a picture. Katniss was sitting there watching him paint. In the sunlight, Katniss discovers Peeta’s eyelashes are blonde.

I don’t know why I reminded myself of that.

“Can we stop for a minute?” I almost jump in shock hearing Oliver's voice.

I glance at him and see Pop’s right in front of us. I stop. Oliver gets down from his bike and vanishes inside the shop. I stay on my bike.

After a few minutes, he returns with a large paper packet, marked with Pop’s logo. He opens it and holds it towards me.

Tater tots.

It takes a few seconds to process the scene in front of me. Oliver Carlson bought me tater tots, a large packet. As I stand there, stupefied, Oliver shoves the packet into my hands.

I take hold of it, smelling the heavenly goods, and pop one in my mouth. Maybe all I needed to feel better was these. Potato heaven. I eat one after another without looking anywhere else. I haven’t eaten anything almost the whole day and I didn’t realize I am this hungry.

When I am almost half way through the packet in a few seconds, I hear Oliver clearing his throat. I look up, my hand in front of my mouth, right before popping another tot in my mouth.

“I thought, we are going to share,” he says, scratching the back of his head, not quite meeting my eyes.

I bite my lips as I realise what an idiot I am. Of course, he bought it for both of us. I quickly lend the packet his way, but he doesn’t take it from my hands.

Instead, he fishes out a few tots and pops them in his mouth.

For the first time, I feel too shy to meet his eyes, and he doesn’t look at me, either. We stand there, sharing tater tots in silence.

I don’t know why, but I feel lighter. I smile a little. It must be the tots.

*****

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