BOOK AND MUSIC BY:

MALATE'W KRISTY-R'EE

ACT ONE

Scene 1

The lights come up on a small restaurant table. The demon Failcotte the Fragile sits alone with an old bottle of grey wine. The lighting is low and blue and comes from a large chandelier hanging from above. No one else is in the restaurant. He drinks from the bottle for several seconds. He looks melancholy and perhaps a little constipated.

FAILCOTTE: This wine tastes like insults and old oatmeal. Nothing in my day brings this ol' demon joy anymore. Such is my lament! Such is my lament. Waiter!

A waiter with a limp enters from centre stage, dragging his third, false leg behind him.

LAME WAITER: What now, you ugly sore?

FAILCOTTE: How do you do it? You, with three legs, two of them lame. (beat) How do you endure?

The waiter picks up his dragging third leg. It is now a lute. He plays it and sings.

SONG -- "THE LAME WAITER'S SONG"

(WAITER:)

I USED TO HOVER AROUND MY OLD FLAT,

WISHING ON WISHBONES, AND CHEWING THE FAT,

I HAD ALL THE WILL OF A WOEBEGONE GNAT,

THAT FED OFF THE TIT OF A SPOILING DEAD CAT...

AND I NEEDED LOVE BAD...

LOVE IS THE BANDAGE—THAT HEALED MY HEART!

LOVE IS THE SANDWICH I ATE WITH A TART!

LOVE IS THE SAUCE ON MY HAPPINESS MEAT!

BUT LOVE IS THE REASON I CAN'T USE MY FEET.

(FAILCOTTE:)

I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU COULD BE SO COY,

YOU SAY THAT LOVE SAVED YOU, YOU SILLY LAME BOY,

NOW TWO OF YOUR FEET ARE ALL BUT A PLOY,

TO GET BETTER TIPS, YOU SHOULD NOT BE EMPLOYED...

YOU DON'T EVEN SERVE GOOD BOK CHOY...

LOVE IS THE BANDAGE —THAT HEALED YOUR HEART?

LOVE IS THE SANDWICH YOU ATE WITH A TART?

LOVE IS THE SAUCE ON YOUR HAPPINESS MEAT?

NO, LOVE'S JUST THE REASON YOU CAN'T USE YOUR FEET.

(WAITER:)

TRY SEEING IT FROM MY PERSPECTIVE YOU CREEP!

(FAILCOTTE:)

OKAY!!

(BOTH:)

LOVE IS THE BANDAGE THAT CAN HEAL YOUR HEART!

LOVE IS A SANDWICH TO EAT WITH SWEET TARTS!

LOVE IS THE SAUCE ON THE HAPPIEST MEAT!

AND WHEN YOU'VE GOT LOVE, YOU DON'T NEED YOUR FEET!

The music ends. The waiter puts back his lute. It becomes his third leg again. Failcotte downs the rest of the bottle of wine in one go. He coughs for effect.

FAILCOTTE: Well I guess I'm convinced.

A beautiful woman descends with wires from the large chandelier. She is dressed as if she was part of it. She sits at the table with Failcotte.

FAILCOTTE: Wow! Who are you??

GLASS TINA: I am Glass Tina. I was a sad chandelier...but I heard that you are in need of love.

FAILCOTTE: Why, yes! This lame waiter convinced me with his beautiful and haunting song!

GLASS TINA: It surely was beautiful and haunting. (To waiter) Bring me some of your best Bok Choy, s'il vous plaît!

FAILCOTTE: Your funeral! (waits for audience's laughter to die down) Are you made out of glass, Glass Tina?

GLASS TINA: Why yes, I am. I am extremely fragile. Please do not break me!

FAILCOTTE : What a coincidence! I am a demon called Failcotte the Fragile! I too am fragile! Do not break me either!

The music swells.

SONG -- "FRAGILE LOVE"

(GLASS TINA:)

I LIT UP...WHEN YOU WALKED IN THE ROOM,

Y'KNOW, BECAUSE I'M A CHANDELIER,

OH, AND BECAUSE...I SENSED YOUR GLOOM,

AND SOMETHING TO DO WITH WIRES AND MIRRORS.

I LIT UP...WHEN YOU CAME IN TO EAT,

BUT YOU ONLY ORDERED THE HORRID WINE,

YOU SANG OF LOVE...AND HAPPY MEAT,

THAT LAST PART REALLY MADE MY BULBS SHINE.

(FAILCOTTE:)

I LIT UP...WHEN YOU GOT TURNED ON,

THE SWITCH I MEAN, I'M NOT A PERV,

WELL MAYBE A BIT...IS THAT SO WRONG?

NOW SHALL WE SHARE A WEE HORS D'OEUVRE?

(BOTH:)

YOU ARE FRAGILE, I AM TOO!

IF I BREAK YOU, I'LL BREAK TOO!

SO, LOVE ME TENDER, LOVE ME TRUE!

IF YOU BREAK I'LL BE YOUR GLUE.

I'LL BE YOU'RE GLUE.

(GLASS TINA:)

WHEN YOU WARNED ME...ABOUT THE BOK CHOY,

I FELL FURTHER DOWN THE HOLE OF LOVE...

(FAILCOTTE:)

IT'S NOT FRESH...YOU WON'T ENJOY!

I ENTERED THAT LOVE HOLE FROM ABOVE.

(BOTH:)

YOU ARE FRAGILE, I AM TOO,

IF I BREAK YOU, I'LL BREAK TOO,

FORGET THE BOK CHOY, EAT LOVE STEW,

IF YOU BREAK I'LL BE YOUR GLUE...

I'LL BE YOUR GLUE.

I'LL BE YOUR...

...GLUE.

The music ends and they kiss. A big kiss. A passionate kiss. The waiter who has been standing there the whole time finally leaves them.

LAME WAITER: Well I never. Our Bok Choy is four star!

Lights down.

~~~

Aye made his way backstage through a maze of mildewed patchwork curtains as half of the audience dutifully applauded, and the other half sat silently pondering what the hell they had just witnessed.

Other actors rushed past him as the modest orchestra played their oddly shaped woodwinds. They insured that the music was both familiar and alien, ancient and spooky, whimsical and complex.

The backstage area felt very much like a dark and rundown cafeteria. Collapsible bench tables were all set up with tabletop mirrors, tubes of makeup, brushes, and bottles of cheap grain alcohol. Cherry-scented pipe smoke curled and clouded racks of costumes and wigs. Actors both rushed about in random fits of panic and sat waiting at these tables, touching up makeup, mouthing lines, and getting drunk.

There seemed to be an unmovable, unwipeable layer of dust on everything. A dust that was so uniform it almost seemed intentional and spray-painted on. Stagehands rushed from actor to actor checking their outfits and wigs and rushing the odd one out through the curtains. It was hard to believe that the whole makeshift theatre had been seemingly erected in minutes, and could probably be taken down in as much time.

Aye was swooning. In the rehearsals he had been instructed by Malate'w Kristy-R'ee (who had also directed as well as scribed) not to actually kiss Orchestra until opening night. He felt that the kiss would ring truer and have more readable impact on the audience if they waited.

The kiss had been better than Aye had anticipated. He had never kissed anyone before that he actually liked. It was nice. It was exciting.

He was quite clearly in love. He had never been in love before. He felt sick.

Orchestra Balloo came up and gave him a hug. "That was great! You can actually sing!" she said beaming. She was in a fantastic mood; there is nothing a performer loves more that hearing the sound of applause. She hadn't even minded the kiss.

They quickly changed their costumes for the next scene they were in. Veroseralien actors had the next few scenes covered. Aye could hear them from backstage and it made him want to join them. Ampex Vooshy-Balaire-Sangria, who had played the waiter, approached. He did not look happy, but he had that type of face.

"Well. I guess congratulations are in order. You didn't fuck up. Yet," he snivelled. Ampex did not like that non-Veroseraliens were not only in this performance, but had taken the leading roles while he got stuck with "Lame Waiter".

"Yeah, beat it, chump," Aye snorted back. He wasn't going to let anyone rain on his parade. Ampex snorted, grabbed the bottle of grain alcohol that Aye had been drinking from, and stomped off. Even his artificial lute leg seemed to stomp.

Another actor swaggered up. This one seemed to have a different attitude altogether. He replaced Aye's bottle with a fresh one. Aye smiled. This was Aye's acting coach R'k W'a Rkwa-Rkwa and Aye quite liked him. He was playing the dentist in the next scene with Aye because of course he was.

"Don't mind him. He's always been a pain in the ass. I think it's great to have a little new blood around here. You're doing great. Really stellar. Aces all around. Bravo my friend."

Around Orchestra and R'k, Aye felt comfort. He felt appreciated. He felt he didn't need to be an asshole; he was getting that same attention in a much more creative, fulfilling, likeable and satisfying way. He was quite surprised that not only had he been able to memorize lines, but he was actually enjoying pretending to be someone else for a change.

A stagehand rushed over and smacked them both with pancake makeup, causing a poof of white powder to hang momentarily in the air, adding a layer of dust to the surrounding layers of dust.

"We're up m'boy! Break a neck!" R'k announced, slapping Aye on the back while laughing at his own take on 'break a leg'.

It was the most encouragement Aye had ever felt from another. They both took big swigs of liquid courage from their bottles and off they went.

"Thanks Dad," he whispered back to R'k, too quiet for anyone but himself to hear, as Orchestra quietly applauded them wearing the best smile Aye had ever seen.

~~~

BOOK AND MUSIC BY:

MALATE'W KRISTY-R'EE

ACT ONE

Scene 5

The lights come up on Failcotte hiding in a cave. He is alone, only lit by a small bonfire. He warms his hands on the fire. He'd eat an apple if he had one.

FAILCOTTE: Oh, my sweet Glass Tina! How can I face you? I broke all of my teeth off on a plate of that horrible bok choy! I knew it was horrible, yet I could not resist. I am a demon and without my teeth I am nothing.

Dewlock the Hermit Dentist enters from behind a boulder in the cave.

DEWLOCK: Why are you in my cave, you ugly sore?

FAILCOTTE: (Startled) Ahh! You startled me! Are you Dewlock? Are you a hermit dentist?

DEWLOCK: I am both of those things! Bask in my grace!

FAILCOTTE: I am in need of a dentist!

DEWLOCK: I heard! I was just over there behind that boulder the whole time. Bok choy is a soft food, sometimes stringy. (beat) How did you break your teeth on it?

FAILCOTTE: It was very bad bok choy.

DEWLOCK: Let me have a look.

Failcotte opens his mouth wide for Dewlock. Dewlock has a look inside. He pokes a finger around in there.

DEWLOCK: I can help you, but how will you pay me?

FAILCOTTE: I have nothing, for I am but a fragile demon.

DEWLOCK: Nothing is not enough money.

FAILCOTTE: But I need my teeth fixed for true love. I fell in love with a chandelier.

DEWLOCK: Like, the fancy light fixture?

FAILCOTTE: Like that, but leggier.

The music begins to play.

SONG -- "FIX YOUR TEETH FOR TRUE LOVE!"

(DEWLOCK:)

I ONCE KNEW LOVE, I KNEW IT WELL,

BUT SHE CONDEMNED ME TO THIS HELL,

AND DROVE ME MAD FOR QUITE A SPELL,

AND NOW I'M A HERMIT DENTIST.

IT TOOK ME YEARS, BUT NOW I'M SKILLED,

THROUGH TRIAL AND ERROR AND MEN I'VE KILLED,

BUT NOW I'M GREAT, MY PATIENTS THRILLED,

BUT NO HERMIT HYGIENIST.

I WILL FIX YOUR TEETH FOR TRUE LOVE.

(FAILCOTTE:)

WILL YOU FIX MY TEETH FOR TRUE LOVE?

(DEWLOCK:)

I JUST SAID I'D FIX YOUR TEETH FOR TRUE LOVE.

(BOTH:)

FOR TRUE LOVE LIKES A HEALTHY SMILE.

Music crescendos to an abrupt stop.

DEWLOCK: Fucking bok choy.

~~~

It took many rehearsals before Aye had finally asked "What's with all the bok choy references?"

When R'k W'a Rkwa-Rkwa told a story, even the simplest of stories, he told it well. This was a simple story, but Aye hung on every word.

"Many, many, many years ago, back before my time, I'm happy to say...our people were starving. Through begging and pleading we managed to obtain crates upon crates of frozen bok choy. We had to live on bok choy for over a hundred years from our ship's deep freeze. It became so despised that it has now become tradition to bad-mouth it in all of our productions. Sort of one of those weird theatre luck/superstition things."

"Hmm. I like bok choy. It's incredibly inoffensive," Aye shrugged.

"Oh, me too! Really takes on the sauce," R'k agreed. "But we found other things to eat. Better things. We found meat after being herbivores for so long! Never look back, m'boy!"

Over the next five hours, Aye had been back and forth from on-stage to backstage so many times he was finding it hard to keep track of his scenes and his songs. All of this time backstage meant getting to spend more and more time with Orchestra. He was enamoured. Finally, he decided to approach a subject he had been dodging.

"You were incredible at Euphoria," he said shyly. His horns blushed through the pancake makeup.

"What? But--" she stuttered, "You saw that? Oh yes, I remember you from Rhanque Baptoose's lair! With the pale fellow! But how are you here? I thought everyone there was destroyed!"

"Yeah. I escaped. That's how I ended up floating around in space."

"I hated that place. I'm glad it's gone. That Kancorian woman saved my life. I hope she escaped."

"Gekko? Yeah, I'm sure she did. We're pretty tight, y'know. She's okay," Aye said, immediately regretting his name-dropping tone.

"You know her??" she asked excitedly.

"Oh yeah! We go way back." Her excitement had him regret regretting his name-dropping tone.

Over the next three breaks Aye-Aye of Towerscape and Orchestra Balloo of Flet laughed and shared stories. Most of these stories were tales of Orchestra's childhood, as Aye knew that keeping his mouth shut about his past would probably be for the best if he wished for her to stay. And if he wished for her to keep down her lunch.

"I like you Aye," Orchestra said after a short pause at the end of a story she was telling about falling down a flight of stairs before her first performance as an acrobat.

He was stunned again. He looked down at the floor. He shifted in his seat. He felt itchy. His eyes watered. He wanted to say "I love you, and I don't care about anything else in the universe, let's run away together" when she leaned over and kissed him. This didn't make him any less stunned.

"I just wanted to do that for real. Not in front of an audience because we're supposed to. Just once."

Aye couldn't speak.

"It's really too bad. You are so sweet," she added.

"Wait, what? Just once? Too bad? So sweet?" he asked, but was cut off by R'k and a stagehand rounding them up.

"Time for the big finale!" R'k boomed in with a welcoming smile. "We go off book a bit in this last scene. Another tradition. You also didn't get the re-write, sorry. Easy-peasy though. Just follow my lead!" He put his arm around Aye. "It's really too bad. You are so sweet," he added.

All actors, including a heavily costumed Gradi Ohsa Vallasoupia-Gallor held hands and made their way through the curtains for the final wedding banquet scene. Aye could've sworn that he saw Gradi mouth "It's really too bad. You were so sweet," to him.

"Must be another theatrical superstition," he thought to himself.

~~~

BOOK AND MUSIC BY:

MALATE'W KRISTY-R'EE

ACT SEVENTEEN

Big Finale!

The lights come up on the wedding of Failcotte and Glass Tina. All roles are there on stage as guests, including Gradi Ohsa Vallasoupia-Gallor as the wedding officiating priestess.

Even the lame waiter is there. The orchestra brings their instruments onto the stage and start to play the traditional Veroseralien wedding song. Its major chords become minor chords. All joy, gone.

SONG -- "REVENGE OF THE VEROSERALIENS"

(GRADI/PRIESTESS:)

ONE NIGHT, A PEACEFUL NIGHT, THEY CAME DOWN FROM THE STARS,

ONE NIGHT, ONE DECENT NIGHT, THEY BROUGHT GUNS AND BATTLE SCARS,

THEY STARTED WITH THE CHILDREN, THE CRIPPLED AND THE OLD,

WHO THEY DIDN'T KILL, THEY TORTURED IN BLINDFOLD...

THEY SANG...

(ALL:)

LITTLE LILAC FACE, WE DON'T SEE YOUR TEARS,

LITTLE LILAC FACE, WE DON'T RECOGNIZE YOUR FEARS,

UGLY LITTLE LILAC FACE, YOU DON'T DESERVE A PLACE,

IN THIS HUMONGOUS UNIVERSE, THERE'S NO ROOM FOR YOU IN SPACE.

(DEWLOCK AND GLASS TINA:)

ONE NIGHT, ONE SUMMER NIGHT, THEY BURNED OUR HOUSES DOWN,

ONE NIGHT, ONE PERFECT NIGHT, THEY WENT ANOTHER ROUND,

THEY SKINNED OUR KING, AND SHOT OUR QUEEN, AND TOPPLED THEIR PROUD THRONES,

THEY KICKED HEADS IN, WE COULDN'T WIN, FOR SOUP THEY USED OUR BONES...

THEY SANG...

(ALL:) (making their way into the audience)

LITTLE LILAC FACE, WE DON'T SEE YOUR TEARS,

LITTLE LILAC FACE, WE DON'T RECOGNIZE YOUR FEARS,

UGLY LITTLE LILAC FACE, OUR HATRED'S JOINED BY EVERY RACE!

(ONLY A HANDFUL GOT AWAY AND FOUND OUR HOME IN SPACE.)

THIS NIGHT, THIS VERY NIGHT, WE GET REVENGE UPON VEX 4,

THIS NIGHT, THIS VERY NIGHT, IT'S YOUR TURN YOU FILTHY BOORS,

WE'LL TURN OUR MERRY FEAST AROUND, VEROSERAL AVENGED,

WE HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR LAST BIG SHOW, AS WE GET OUR REVENGE...

The priestess draws her dagger and slits the throat of an audience member. All follow suit. And feed until every last audience member, and the traitor Failcotte the Fragile is dead.

END.

~~~

It didn't take long before the audience on Vex 4 had become a bloody hurricane of mass panic and gross flesh.

The Veroseralien actors, musicians, stagehands, and crew pounced around from confused Vexian to terrified Vexian ripping out throats, tearing off limbs, and biting grapefruit sized chunks out of the once fascinated (and ironically, dinner theatre) audience.

Aye was still on stage. Again, at a time of great craziness, he couldn't move. He stood helpless in a puddle of his own urine, wondering how he had missed the signs that he had been rehearsing a terrible musical with a bunch of lunatics.

Especially after the cafeteria lady in the basement of his old MUU (Ministry of Universal Upkeep) office tower had told him time and time again, "Never trust anyone who doesn't like bok choy, guy. It's nature's cabbage!" He had never missed his old Back-up Assistant Flood Water Absorber job as much as he did at that moment, nor did he miss that mad old cafeteria woman that was obsessed with cruciferous vegetables almost as much as The Ilt-por-un-Ilt Players.

He felt his hand in someone else's hand. This should have been comforting. It was not. R'k W'a Rkwa-Rkwa held it tight and smiled at him.

"I really am sorry about this, poor fella. It's kinda funny...and probably why you made it this far with us at all...but old Earth got the whole devil thing from an ancient accidental visit from your people, the Towerscapians.

"Likewise, they got a bunch of legends from one of our visits there. You see," he said proudly, even being a mesmerizing storyteller in this moment of extreme, scarring duress.

"In our native Veroseralien language, 'Ilt-por-un-Ilt' translates to English as 'Eye for an Eye', our ship 'Deck Dallop' means 'Death Dealler' and 'Veroseral", itself, roughly translates to 'Vampire'.