The mall incident is all interviewers have been asking about the past few weeks. I've told the stupid story 120 times already and if I hear anything about it ever again, I'm flipping tables and punching walls. My fans love me more for continuing the signing. It turned out to be good publicity for how they view me which is great because I pulled that PR move without any advice or direction. This is getting a little easier for me but I still hate red carpets and I was invited to another award ceremony tonight. Mac is with me, he scrolls through something on his tablet with his Gucci reading glasses on. I text Trevon who's show I happen to be missing for this award ceremony.

I begin texting something else but Mac taps me on the shoulder. 

"The cameras keep getting you on the phone, pay attention to the ceremony." He whispers. I turn my phone off and stuff it in my shiny red purse. 

I win another 'New Artist Award' and bring Mac up to accept it with me. As I sit back down in my seat and turn my phone back on, text messages roll through like wildfire. Congratulation texts accounting for most if not all of them. I look for the important ones like Mom or Devin and respond. I am happy for the award and extremely happy for the exposure but something in me hurts. 

Trevon was probably killing the stage right now and I couldn't even see. I am proud of him though, immensely. 

The award show ends and I am grateful. To sit properly poised and monitor my facial expressions, to be aware that you are being watched at every moment by SOMEONE important around you was exhausting. The hardest part to remember was keeping my stomach sucked in, no matter what outfit I am wearing and even though I don't have much of a stomach, when I let it go and someone snaps a picture, I immediately begin to panic. 

A few stars ask to take a picture with me and I try hard to mingle and be friendly with as much people as I can. I don't know if I'm good at faking it or if Hollywood is just fake in itself and constantly ignores the pain people carry around on their face. 

As soon as I climb into my limo with Mac and close the door, I hear a small tap on the window. I turn my head, only to see a full pair of caramel boobs in my face with golden curls brushing her dainty shoulders. She bends down and smiles. 

With all the cameras flashing and reporters around, you would think Mila would pick a different time to stop by. I look to Mac and he looks just as confused as I do. 

"Driver can you wind down the window?" I call to the front. The window comes down and Mila bends down so that her face is only inches away from mine. Her boobs are too visible. I move my head back. 

"Yes?" I question with all the attitude I can muster. 

"I just wanted to apologize for like, everything that's happened. It's so fucking childish you know?" She shouts over the noise of roaring people so that I can hear her. 

"Uhm, alright?" I respond not believing one word coming out of her mouth. 

"Yea, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those things. It's like -" 

Her mouth smells of liquor and I wonder if I should blame the alcohol for the apology or her PR representatives that wanted to get the press to see that she is talking to me. 

"Can we talk about this later? Not the best place for this, okay?" I signal the driver to wind up the window and Mila's hand stops it. 

She laughs nervously and looks around. 

Her face suddenly mad but her smile still stuck to her lips. She moves her head closer to me so I can hear her words. 

"Chanel?" She chuckles. "What are you doing? You can't wind up a window in my face with 50 cameras around us. Are you serious?" She almost growls. 

"Well the conversation is clearly done and I don't care how many cameras around, YOU chose to do this publicly. Is it not working out how you and your reps planned?" My face is visibly taunting. I smirk. 

"You're a little bitch. You really are." She scoffs. 

"What was that?" Mac says a few inches away from me. Of course Mila couldn't see him based on where she was standing. He was all the way to the other side. Mac bends his head down and Mila's face freezes. Mac is the closest thing to both our bosses and he just heard her call his other client a bitch. 

"Have a goodnight, Mac." She concludes. 

"Bitch." I mumble as I wind the window back up. 

Mac stares at me annoyed. 

"You girls need to stop." He warns. 

I put my hands up in surrender. My phone bings in my lap. 

"Trevon killed it." Trisha texts me with a thousand exclamation marks. In a moment, I am without a doubt happy for him. Of course he killed it, I wasn't expecting anything less. I let my mind roam, imagining him working the stage with his lyrics, charm and charisma. I remember him bringing me out at the first show and introducing me like I meant the absolute world to him. I remember him looking at me like he does. I am happy for Trevon but in the next few minutes my happiness turns on me. My throat dries and my breathing quickens just a bit.

I feel tears bubbling into my eyes and turn my face away from Mac as the car bumps and travels. I should have been there. I let a few tears caress my cheek and allow them to dry before turning my head back to look at Mac. He is fast asleep. I glare at the gold trophy sitting between myself and Mac then pick it up and run my fingers across my name. "Chanel Little- Best New Artist". 

The letters feel cold against my fingertips. 

___________________________________

"Welcome back to Power 103! This is DJ Cruise and we have a young lady here who has been topping charts and winning awards like she BEEN DOIN THIS! Straight from Brooklyn, New York, Chanel Little!" DJ Cruise presses multiple buttons sending off an array of sounds horns and applause. 

"Hey y'all. What's goooddd?" I adjust my headphones and speak into the mic in front of me. The studio looks smaller than I usually see in interviews and the people look better in person. Power 103 is one of the top radio stations in the world and Blaco has been trying to get me here until they literally began begging for me to come. Funny how the cards change. 

"We are very glad to have you. I don't know if your manager told you but we have been trying to get you here for the past month now! Where you been girl?" DJ Cruise has an exciting voice that makes you want to listen. He is bald and light skin with a full beard and big ears. 

"I'm glad to be here! Yea, it's been a busy few months for me. Everything's moving fast, the performances, award shows, traveling from NY to Cali a lot." I laugh and shrug. 

"But I made it, y'all. We in here. It's a good day. " I finish. 

Cruise and DJ Essence laugh. Essence is dark skinned with nice long braids, she used to be a rapper way back and she basically started the radio show. To sit in her presence was humbling. I wondered if she saw me looking at her earlier. 

"Yea you travel back and forth a lot! Why's that? Do you miss home? Not really feelin Cali?" DJ Cruise questions. 

"I love Cali but nowhere beats New York. That's where it's all at. I still have friends and family out there too so I try to visit when I get some free time." I smile and adjust my mic so that it is right in front of my mouth. 

"Are there any boys you be running home to? Is that why you're back and forth so often?" DJ Essence questions. 

"Haaa." I laugh loudly and DJ Cruise starts cracking up. 

My mind runs on Trevon and instantly I miss him. 

"No boys, no boys." I say shyly into the mic. 

"Oh look, now she wanna act all shy. We suppose to believe this?" Dj Cruise interjects. 

"Nah, I'm serious. I just been vibing, writing new music, performing. I don't have time but maybe in the future." I lie and I do it well. 

"Y'all hear that? There's hope! There's hope ma niggas, hang in there!" DJ Cruise yells into the mic. Essence and I laugh together. 

"Is there any celebrities that you've met that you would possibly consider dating?" Essence questions with her soft voice. 

"Oh my God. Why y'all do this to me?" I roll my eyes playfully. 

"We just askin questions. You're a beautiful young lady, you hot right now, you know artists are lookin at you so they wanna know if you lookin back is all." DJ Essence giggles. 

"Wait so we know you cool with D'tello, nothing going on there?" Dj Cruise asks. 

"No, that's Trisha man." I say as I pull away from the mic. 

"Ohh, ya homegirl like D'tello. I'll take that. You know a lot of rappers and singers been peaking at you. They want them some Chanel." Cruise continues. 

"Ahh, who are these artists?" I stroke my chin. 

DJ Cruise laughs into the mic. "Should we tell her?" He questions looking to Essence.

"I think we should." She replies. 

"Alright here we go! Let me find that long list!" DJ Cruise looks around the studio and pulls out a piece of paper. I almost die in my chair. 

"Rapper Ja-cue says and I quote 'I don't know if she's single but tell lil shorty come through.' And that was in his latest song 'Fades'." DJ Cruise clears his throat so he can continue. 

I drink some water and move my straight hair behind my ears, the whole time smiling at the nonsense. 

"Wow, that's crazy." I say. He continues. 

"Angel Simmons was on our radio show yesterday and he said 'I love Chanel, I need to show her that I love her. Please tell her to hit me up when she comes on Tuesday.' End of quote." DJ Cruise mimics Angel Simmons' gentle voice. He's an RnB singer who never talks too loud and is always sweet and gentle. I know all the words to all his hit songs so aside from feeling admired, I now felt like the shit. 

"Oh my God, that's crazy. I love Angel Simmons-music." I announce. 

"Wait! So that's a go?!" DJ Cruise shouts. 

"No! I love his music! Why are y'all tryna set me up?" I run my fingers through my hair and look as innocent as I can. 

"Damn, you gon say no to Angel? Everybody loves Angel!" Essence acts like she's about to cry. 

"Y'all are trouble makers forreal forreal." 

"Okay, okay. Maybe she will like the last one." Essence announces, willing DJ Cruise to continue. 

"Bizzy says 'he would love to take you out one night'. You feelin Bizzy at least? Watch what you say about Bizzy, that's my mans right there!" DJ Cruise laughs his hearty laugh again. 

Suddenly my throat is dry. My mind flashes back to the night in the bar. How high and drunk I was, how out of control I was. I wasn't thinking straight. Surely he knew that. But he said this was between us and as far as I know, he hasn't told anyone. But what if he has? 

"Sorry to disappoint you, DJ Cruise." I say keeping the mood light and playful. "But it's a no for me dog." 

"Ohhh! Nah she violated all my mans." DJ Cruise says clutching his heart. 

"Well are you into women?" Essence asks in a sweet and taunting voice, moving her hair to the side. I laugh out unexpectedly and play along. 

"Anything for you Essence." I wink back. They both chuckle. 

"So we aren't going to ask about the mall incident because we are sure that you're tired of talking about it but sources did tell us something else we want to ask about." DJ Essence says. 

I sigh relaxing that the mall incident will not be another discussion. 

"Yea what's up?" 

"Sources tell us that the last verse in Nothing Without You, is actually about your Father and how he got locked up a while back. And as you know, your fans have been trying to figure out who that last verse was about since you released that song. Can we attribute it back to your Father, or is that incorrect?" Essence asks. 

I bite my lip, attempting to hide the smirk from my face. The smirk was something bitter. I feel a pang of worry in my stomach. There is only one person I told that too and I did it for this very reason. It was a test and Ryno failed. I pinch my leg under the table. Fucking Ryan, we smoked together, i thought that meant something. You can't trust anyone in LA. 

"Yea, that's true." I lie. 

"Were you close to your Father? Does he play a role in your life and if so, is there anything you want to say to him now that you've made it? He might be listening." Essence speaks into the mic and looks into my eyes with empathy. 

It feels weird to give him credit for something he hasn't even done. He hasn't played any role in my life. The last verse was without a doubt about Trevon and more than anything, I hope he wasn't listening to this interview. 

I think for a moment and speak into the mic. "I understand you better now and I forgive you." I shrug. That message truly was for my Father in case he was listening. 

I did understand him better now.

And I do forgive him for any reason I ever found to hate him in the past.