Chapter 54

I walk carefully in my Long and sleek Avanti dress. It's dark purple and it hugs my body from my boobs all the way down to my thighs and long legs. The split starts on my thigh and exposes my right leg. A $1,000 dress, the cheapest of the Avanti collection. The shiny black heels elongates my long legs and gives the appearance my ass is plump and firm, $550 shoes. My black straightened hair is well groomed with a few additional tracks, making it long down to the nape of my back. My jewelry includes a dazzling diamond bracelet and long matching earrings. The matching choker tugs at my throat but I ignore it, $2,000 all together. I look daringly at the hundreds of cameras pointing at me. I attempt to control my breathing.

In.

Out.

Stay calm and collective.

Your dress is long.

Kick and walk.

Kick and walk.

Don't step on it, it isn't yours.

The carpet beneath me is red and the wall behind me reads BET Awards in fancy script that I can't name.

They call my name from different positions of the crowd of photographers. I turn to the side, shoulder straight, head slightly tilted, neck elongated. I've become accustomed to the bright flashes and I've learned where to look so I don't go blind. But I have yet to get used to this uneasy feeling while on the red carpet. The feeling telling me not to mess up, that everything I do is being watched to a T.

I smile big and allow the cameras to flash.

"Chanel! To your left." One of the paparazzi yells. I look in the direction of the voice casually and smile gracefully. My heart is pounding in my chest and I can hear it in my ears. I swallow and desperately hope I don't begin sweating. Though Casey and Cece have prepped me for this as best as they can, I find it hard to remember all their advice while literally in the spotlight.

I don't know if I like it. I can feel myself getting nauseous.

The lights flash. I look over my shoulder and bring my shoulder up to my chin.

"Beautiful." I hear as the cameras continue to go off. I glance at Casey and she gives me a thumbs up. I change positions slowly. My hand raises to my hip and rests there casually, the other hand lays on my left thigh.

'Make sure the slit is exposed, don't block it. Change positions slowly, if you move too fast you look more nervous and the camera will capture bad and blurry pictures, you'll hear about it in the tabloids.' Casey's small voice echos in my ear.

She waves at me to continue walking down the carpet. Slowly, I release myself from my latest pose and wave goodbye. I do the open mouth smile and hold it long enough so they can capture it, but not too long so that it doesn't seem real.

We walk further down the carpet where there is a little more space and not so many photographers, here there are journalists. Camera men hold their cameras on their shoulders or with the tripods and the reporters in front, hold the mic. I've seen so many celebrities already that cannot tell if the nervousness I feel is from them or the entire experience. I try to live in the moment as much as I possibly can. Mac says to take the good feelings with the bad feelings and embrace them because one day I'll need them to humble myself. It's a little insane how humble I still feel, even though I've been in the spot light for a few months now. The paparazzi popping out of nowhere and the constant pictures with fans every time I go out have been an adjustment.

I walk behind Casey, her short blonde hair bobbing up and down. She wears a black work blazer, black pants and high heels. I don't know how she does it, but she finds a way to stay prepped and pretty while making sure I'm prepped and pretty. She directs me calmly, even when things seem to be going out of hand.

Casey slows down and analyzes a light skin man with a fade and a nice grey suit. He is taller than I am and almost reminds me of Devin. I wish it were Devin, I would very much appreciate that relief right now. The relief of his company.

Suddenly, the light skinned man turns our way and waves me over, his lips pulling up at the side.

"Quick interview, Chanel." He yells from his distance.

Casey smiles back at him and leads me his way.

"When you're done! Over here, Ms. Little." Someone else says.

Casey looks to me calmly and whispers in my ear before I approach the attractive light skin man. I bend to hear what she is saying as my heels have made me 3 inches taller than her.

"Sean Rogers, E! Reporter." She speaks clearly. I pretend she told me to fix my dress. I straighten it up and nod.

"Seann!" I laugh and wave as I step into his camera.

"Chanel, so good to see you again. How does it feel to be at your first BET awards?" He sings excitedly. It's loud and hard to hear him. When the mic is adjusted to my mouth I smile big and answer.

"It's pretty amazing. I'm so happy to be here!"

I hope that I look excited enough but I know I look calm because that's how I always look. Faking it is hard.

"Congrats on your nomination for best emerging artist, did you ever think you would make it here?" He questions looking more excited for me than I am.

Always be confident, I remember Casey saying to me. If someone asks an insane question laugh it off and wiggle your way out. Answer honestly without revealing too much information.

"Thank you. This has all been pretty big for me, you know I didn't come from money and fame so it's a very different world.I worked hard so I'm glad it's playing out."

Sean nods, there's a twinkle in his eyes. He likes the response.

"Your album did very well with numbers in the last few months. Did your nomination come as a surprise?" Sean questions. The microphone comes back to my mouth.

Honest but not too much information.

"Oh my God. No, I was very surprised and to be competing with so many great artists is pretty insane." I end my sentence with a nod.

"Yes! You made your name very quickly." Sean chuckles.

"I know, I'm very fortunate."

"So I hear Mila has been nominated for the same award! Has that been causing any conflicts with the new found friendship?" Sean asks, bumping me lightly ready for the gossip.

Casey's head turns when she hears the question. I can see her through my peripheral.

"Not at all! We like the competition. May the best artist win." I say playfully.I wink at the camera which earns a loud laugh from Sean.

Truthfully, I haven't spoken to Mila since the nominations came out and she hasn't attempted to contact me. The song is almost platinum with just a couple more thousand left to go. I would hope there isn't any hard feelings in the nominations but I'm already starting to feel like there is. She couldn't possibly think I'm going to win, when her part on the song is what even got it to Gold in the first place.

Casey uses her head to point in the direction of another interviewer. Both myself and Sean catch the signal.

"Thank you for talking with us Chanel! Good luck tonight!" Sean says.

"Thank you!"

There is a tall brown skin lady that looks like a fashion model. Skinny and beautiful with smooth tan skin, dressed nicely in a white blazer and black top underneath. Before Casey gives me space to be interviewed, she whispers once again in my ear.

"Clarrisa Haze, 105.7 radio station." Casey whispers.

I do it all over again. Different questions but very similar.

Stay consistent. I remember Casey's instructions.

The red carpet is both exhausting and annoying and after my third interview, I'm over it completely. I want to sit down and take off my shoes, I want to relax and breathe out, but I can't because the dress is so form fitting that I fear my stomach might bulge out. I feel so tense that my shoulders begin to hurt and soon my head.

"Water." I mumble to Casey who is close in front of me, leading me to another camera.

Casey signals to the coordinator by the carpet and a Poland Spring bottle of water is brought my way. I gulp half of it down.

"Give it to me." Casey says as soon as my hand goes down, placing the water by my dress.

"Two more interviews." Casey says optimistically.

"I'm done." I shake my head and adjust my foot in my heels. I can feel my feet start to chafe. I know without a doubt that I will have blisters by the time I get home.

"Just two more, Chanel. These last two are important." She states seriously.

"Casey, I'm tired of answering the same questions over and over again, my feet are killing me and I have a headache. I'm done with the interviews." I end.

She nods understanding and hands me back the bottle of water. I gulp down whats remaining.

"I'll seat you early." She says, leading me in a different direction.

__________________________

I sit in my comfortable and soft blue seat at the Nokia Theater. Mac is next to me, he skipped the whole red carpet event, he says the only reason he is even here is because I might win the award and he put a lot of hard work into me.

"So, it would suck if I ain't win this, huh?" I ask, pouty.

"Nah, it's still good to be here. You already got a lot of exposure with those interviews. The interviews you ain't finish by the way." He mumbles to me as the host takes the stage.

The audience around us roars.

"I was tired, sue me." I respond.

"I will." Mac threatens with a smile.

I throw my head back in laughter, not expecting such a quick clap back.

I feel a light tap on my shoulder, I turn around to see Mila in a burgundy dress.

"Heyy." I say. She doesn't give me much of a response. We smile and we kiss each others cheeks. This was the first time I was seeing Mila in a few months, the last time was at my made a million party. The air around her feels tense, her aura might as well have been glowing bright red. Mac seems to have caught it all because he looks at me with eyebrows pointed down.

"I don't know." I answer, leaving my smile and good attitude in place.

The camera lands on us and Mac's face changes from annoyed to smiley and supportive. I laugh and shake my head at the fakeness of it all. The entire industry, every bit and piece of it is fake, down to the microscopic body language.

I suddenly feel like I am in a game of chess and now I have to make all the right moves.

Casey is sitting behind me, she adjusts my hair and brushes it down in the back with her hands.

"Thank you." I say politely.

Blaco sits to my left, and next to him, someone who looks familiar but who I cannot name.

The seats fill in quickly and as the awards start, I see three people shuffling into the empty seats next to Blaco and the man I could not remember.

It doesn't take long for me to notice the smooth wavey pony tail. The dragon tatoos are covered up by a collard shirt and bluish jacket, paired with jeans pants and jordans. A heavy silver chain sparkles off his neck and it appears to be diamonds on his wrists. I remember one of the lyrics from his latest project.

So much ice, my jeep is flooded out.

For some reason, I can feel my heart in my throat.

Bizzy makes eye contact with me and as his lips turn up into a half smile. His eyes look low like he was out smoking right before this, and he probably was. Ying and Yang suffle in beside him and the familiar face, I realize is his manager. I think back to that night in the limo, how the weed had momentarily separated me from the rest of the world and it was just us. I think back to that same night when he literally fucked my brains out.

I wave casually and turn my head back to the stage.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Neyo is hosting and though all of his jokes are corny, the theater laughs because everyone loves Neyo, he gave us Miss Independent and So Sick and it's hard to be mad at someone with such a hold on RnB. He welcomes up Yaya who is known around the world for countless number of top hits. She has never been a main inspiration of mine but the woman is bronze in color, beautiful body and not to mention amazing style. Her singing was the least of her money, she found other ways to make it and a good portion of the money in this entire theater is hers.

The crowd cheers so loud that I think I might go deaf.

I look at her, trying to believe that she is just an average human being but I feel disconnected. Maybe it was the power, or maybe it was because in reality our lives were so far apart from each other.

She performs three songs and the award is given for best Hip Hop Song of the year. Yaya walks back on stage to accept her trophy.

Finally the nominations for Best New Artist are being previewed on the screen. Mila's song 'I'm All In' plays first and her video is displayed through out the screens in the theater. Her sultry lips and soft eyes, captivating the entire room. Next a young man called Ten-ten is previewed, I know that his mixtape did extremely well in numbers too. His video flashes. My video for Pop Off Freestyle flashes and the crowd roars, I even hear people singing along momentarily. A response that the other videos did not get.

Did I have a chance at winning this?

Robin and Caroline, the two winners from last season of America's Next Top Model hold the white sparkly envelope in their hands.

"And the winner is..." They say in Sync.

At this moment, it feels like my entire stomach is in my throat. My palms are sweaty and I can feel the sweat beginning to form under my arms. I close my eyes.

Please. I mumble a silent prayer.

"Chanel Little!!!" Robin and Caroline scream into the mic.

I cover my face and drop my head into my lap.

I feel Mac's hand on my back. I hear the audience screaming. I know I shouldn't start crying so soon because I at least want to have make up on when I go there. I fan my eyes and Mac helps me up. He hugs me tight and I breath heavy, trying to calm down.

"You did it." His deep voice speaks quietly next to my ear. "Don't cry. You have a speech to give." He says again, laughing now.

He lets me go and I step out into the isles, holding Mac's hand. My hand is to my heart and as I walk past every isle, I hear the roaring applause grow.

They play Nothing Without You through the speakers which only makes me want to cry more. I finally make it to the mic and I don't know how. Then suddenly all those dreams I was having in the past make sense.

I turn to Mac and he wipes the tears from my cheek and then kisses it.

The audience drowns me in "Awwwes".

"Wooow." I say into the mic. The first word I ever uttered to over 5 million people watching.

"Thank you sooo much. Ima drop the proper way to speak for a second cause I ain't never had anything like this happen to me before." I say in my worse New York slang. It earns a full room of laughter. I chuckle and sniffle.

"I'm from Brownsville, New York and..." Applause and cheers go off and I pause so the audience can hear me.

"I don't know if you know around there but this ain't the regular way things turn out." Mac chuckles behind me.

"I just want to thank God first because he blessed me with amazing people like my Mother. I want to thank Mac who mentored me, signed me, and then mixed and produced an entire album just off of faith that I could be somebody. Thank you Flex who has been the Father I never had. Trisha, Trevon, Pookie, Devin." I rattle off quickly. The audience chuckles quietly.

"I appreciate this entire journey. Thank you." I finish.

I take a step back away from the mic and hold up my award. The applause is deafening. Mac steps forward.

"I just want to say, Chanel that I am very proud of you and I'm blessed to be your mentor." He says charmingly. I wipe my eyes and hug him tightly again. I lift my award above my head for the camera man to snap a quick photograph and then I carefully exit the stage with Mac's help.

As I walk off, I get a glance at Mila's face. She leans back in her chair, her arms daintily placed in her lap, her eyes stare past me and into the gates of hell. I have never seen anyone so livid in my life.

___________________________________

At least an hour passes and my adrenaline has died down. I realize my feet are still aching, so I take off my shoes, an act that Mac and Casey frowned upon, but could do little about. I check my phone for 20 minutes, responding to all the congratulation texts I was receiving from Mom and Flex and Trisha.

Tony and Annmarie from the hit movie Soundless share the mic to announce yet another award.

"And the award for Best Collaboration goes to..." They fumble with the envelope and make corny jokes about how awkward they are currently being.

"Mila London and Chanel!" Tony and Anmarie announce together.

I look at Mac with wide eyes.

He chuckles hearty. "Girl, you better put your shoes back on."

Everyone around me laughs. The camera catches me sliding my feet back into my Avatani shoes.

"Oh my God!" I continue to say, laughing at myself. I finally get my shoes on and walk a few seats up to take Mila's hand. Even though God himself knows she doesn't want me near her. She smiles something that might be considered sincere to the media and we walk up on the stage together.

The audience cheers boisterous and for a moment it feels like the world is cheering. They really love Mila but they were starting to love me too. Enough to have me win two awards at once.

'Take my love' plays through the speakers until we get to the podium.

"I want to thank Flex again for producing this amazing beat, and thank you Mila for featuring."I turn to her briefly and see that her smile doesn't reach her eyes. I keep my smile large because nothing could kill the happiness running through me at this point. It's not like we were actually friends.

Mila leans forward to the mic.

"Also shout out to Atlantic Records, couldn't have went Gold and soon to be platinum without you. Thank you so much!" She says thanking our record label.

Everyone cheers and we pose with our heads together to take a picture. We exit the stage and Mila kisses my cheek again, but when she pulls back, I see there are no pleasing looks or even pretending smiles. She was done with me.