I am in love with a man in an orange jumpsuit

I loved him before the garment was placed on his deep brown body

And I loved him before his deep brown body was placed into the grey dark cell

And I loved him before resent and hate built up for me

And I've always loved him more than myself

I tell him that I wish I could give him more than myself

And take on his troubles and more of his hell

Because he doesn't deserve the fire up under him

His body enclosed in orange, more so than before

Burns so deep that recovery is unlikely

That even if I was mineral water I wouldn't be able to heal him

I still feel him under me at night

Only to wake up and realize it is just my brown sheets pressed into my thighs

I cry and the tears are brown, reflecting my own skin

But I pretend it's him caressing my cheek down to my chin

I am still in love

______________________________________________

There is a roar of noise around the dinner table and all I can see are bright smiles. Lips pulled back showing white teeth. The entire table is packed to each end with a different dish. I can't lie but I have been staring at the mashed potatoes on my right for so long that after Flex is done saying grace, I dive for it.

Our entire kitchen smells of Thanksgiving and we never celebrated it because it was America's holiday, we celebrated it because it truly was a time where everyone could come together and eat good food and just be happy.

I feel light.

Light with love and happiness. The kind of light that makes you feel like it wouldn't be too bad if you died in this moment because you were so happy and at so much peace with everything around you.

Yes.

This feeling is because Trevon is finally speaking to me again.

Is that so bad?

"Look at her, she ain't even put nothing else on the plate yet n she eatin the mashed potatoes by themselves." Mama comments as if I can't hear. I give her a cheesy smile and begin adding the baked chicken with Trisha's gravy and some corn.

Pookie was responsible for the corn cause he can't cook and the corn is still too hard.

"Pookie all you had to do was put the corn in WATER for A FEW MINUTES." I yell confused as to how he got this wrong.

The table laughs and he shrugs at me as he bites into the barbecue ribs.

As the conversation continues around the table I notice Trisha is intensely quiet. As if he read my mind Pookie stares at her and shakes his head then looks at me.

"Yea she don't talk when she eatin. That's the only time." He quirks.

I laugh and watch as Trisha dances as the food enters her mouth. Pookie is speaking to me normal again and I am even more grateful and light. Even if he is doing so in spite of the holiday.

We have a few more people at the table than usual. Trevon's Mother and his little sister Patrice sit side by side and seem to be enjoying the food and conversation. I want to thank them sometimes for not being mad at me. They never once treated me bad or hated me despite what I did to Trevon.

I invited them to dinner before I went and spoke to Trev and they agreed. I slipped them some money in private too. It's not like I wouldn't be making it back.

Patrice is all about the baked mac and cheese.

I smile at her and she smiles back when she is caught. She looks a lot like Trev and it almost makes me feel like he is here.

Trisha's dad comes in late and Mom asks me to set his plate. He joins us at the table with his Fedex uniform on and dives in just like his daughter.

When everyone is stuffed we start playing different games as Pandora plays on the Whitney Houston station. Every song earned a "You don't know nothin bout this" - from Flex. I sing along with 90% of the songs and he is surprised every time I do it.

"Okay Atlantic, alright." He laughs.

Midnight comes fast and Trisha and I begin cleaning up the many dishes in the sink.

"Why didn't you ask me to come with you to Riker's this morning? I would have woke up early and came." She sounds a little sad.

"It's okay. I had to speak to him by myself and the ride cleared my mind." I answered watching the soap suds run down the white dish with gravy stains. After it's completely soaped up, I pass it to her and she rinses.

"It must have went 100x better than the last time cause you ain't crying in fetal position right now." She teases.

"Shut up. Yes it went better. I performed some of my new poems for him." I pick up a cup and begin scrubbing.

"That's good baby girl." She says.

I can feel my cheeks hurting and only then do I notice that I have been smiling the whole time we've been here.

"So are you still together?" She asks ruining some of my happiness. I was trying not to think about that.

"I didn't ask. I'm going to give it some more time." I say honestly.

"What happens with fraternity boy?" She says again.

I don't answer because I don't know.

She nods nonchalant and begins rinsing the other dishes I've placed on her side. They somehow begin to pile up on her. It is quiet in the house but the music is still playing. Everyone has pretty much went home.

"Ima go get them cups in the living room." I say, shaking the suds off my hands.

I walk out of the kitchen into darkness, the living room is only lit by the kitchen light and the lights on the staircase. I see two figures standing in the center as I leave the kitchen and stop in my tracks.

Flex's hand is firmly placed on my Mother's waist, going up into the small of her back. Her arms are wrapped around his neck and she smiles. They sway to the music, neither of them realize I am standing right there.

They are so engulfed in the others eyes.

He reaches forward, their lips connect then disconnect. Ma is still smiling.

"So this is why you don't miss me when I'm upstate." I speak into the night.

They both jump and pull away from each other. I chuckle.

"Get out of grown folks business!" Mama states firmly. I laugh harder and Flex puts his hand on his chest.

"Chanel, you really scared me." He tries to say seriously.

"You wouldn't be scared if y'all wasn't sneakin around." I tease.

"Ain't nobody sneakin around child, this is ma house." Mom reprimands.

Flex shakes his head with a smile on his face. A sort of surrender.

"Looks like we've been caught baby." He says in a low voice. I can almost hear Mom's swooning over him.

"Baby?" I repeat shocked. "How long have y'all been keeping this from me and why?" I exclaim.

"Just a few weeks." Flex shrugs.

"And why.." I repeat again, walking close to them.

"We were waiting until we really knew how we felt about each other." Mom says sweetly.

"Andddd?" I ask smiling too wide now.

"That's my man." Mom laughs with her tongue out.

I join her and hug Flex.

"I am very happy about this. I would have never even thought."

He hugs me back.

I hug Ma next and her hug is longer and softer.

Trisha walks out of the kitchen confused as to why she is washing dishes all by herself.

"How long it take to get cups?" She questions angered.

"Why is it dark and why are y'all just huggin each other while I'm in the kitchen slaving?"

"Because you ate most of the food." Mom claps back.

Trisha agrees and walks back into the kitchen.

"They together Trish! This ha man!" I yell into the kitchen.

"I know that already, you late!" She states.

"Wow." I say narrowing my eyes at them.

Mom extends her hands for another hug. " Happy Thanksgiving?"

_______________________________

Big pulls up in the sleek BMW at 9 A.M. sharp and I know that I will not see my family or the Ville for another month. I hug them individually and try not to be sad.

"Work on that fire, forreal. Your fans are expecting so much from you and you bout to give them that and more. Plus, I'm sending you some beats tomorrow. I wanna see what you do with them." Flex dabs up Big and lifts my suitcase into the car.

"Copy." I say firmly.

My head is on steady and I'm ready to work. I can't wait to get back into the studio and spit out masterpiece after masterpiece.

"Call me when you get back to the dorms, baby." Mom kisses my cheek.

I climb in and Big shuts my door and walks to his side. I whine down the window.

"Love you both." I say as we pull off.

"Get to work!" Flex's voice fades with the distance.