I Deserve

I spend most nights staring into the dark until the blackness becomes shapes

But then my eyes adjust and my imagination subsides

I spend most days day dreaming

Not only have I managed to damage my circadian rhythm,

My actions and emotions no longer match our time zone

My time is spent in reflection of our times together

And nights we spent tied together

Our bodies so intertwined that our hands are jealous

Your exhale was my inhale, we breathed in unison

And now we breathe uni

You speak of me like you never knew me

But I know no one that knows me better

I still read over our messages, it takes me back to a simpler time

When I was positively yours and you were definitely mine

Confused isn't the word for what we are now

I know it's my fault, I know I messed up the joint breathing

Now my inhale is my exhale and your exhale is pushing out any breath I left in you

By the time you're released, I would have been released from you

And maybe that's what I deserve

________________________________________

"Look at me." Cece points to her abdomen. As she inhales deeply, her stomach fills with air and then she exhales pushing out a powerfully high note and rifting it down to the lowest note in her register. We had been over this warm up dozens of times today alone.

I followed her as she said and did as I was told. I didn't feel like I was getting any better at it because my high note was still shaky and my lower register was perfect but I always ran out of breath before I got there.

"That was better. Again." Cece says, motioning for me to stand up straight. I guess I was never taught about posture. She had already corrected it a few times.

There is a knock on the door and soon after Devin's face peaks in at us. I try not to look so excited to see him.

"Good evening, Cece you have a call on line one." He speaks not even the slightest bit phased at my presents. Cece excuses herself and walks past Devin to the phone in the main office. He waits to hear Cece begin to respond to her phone call then he walks over to me, jaw clenched, eyes set on mine.

He pulls my waist to him firm but gentle, and kisses me so slowly I feel every knot in my body loosen. I kiss back, but only get to do so briefly as he breaks our kiss and looks behind his shoulder to see if anyone is watching us.

No one is, his body remains close to mine.

"Mac wants to meet with you tomorrow morning to speak about signing to the label. First off, congrats you talented beast." I snicker and gaze at him, excited. "And second, read EVERYTHING before you sign. If you need time to look over it, let Mac know. If you don't understand something, call me. I'll have my phone close all day just in case." As Devin speaks to me, I can feel him taking a few steps back ending up at the door where he started.

Cece wraps up her call and by the time she walks back to me, Devin is in studio B having a whole different conversation with Big and a voice I couldn't recognize.

I couldn't believe it, a few months ago I was just starting to write my own songs, now I was about to be considered for a label, and not just any label, one of the biggest in the world. Everything was happening so much faster than I could have expected. I want to slow down and take it all in but I don't know how so I take the small moments of panic and excitement to heart.

Half an hour passes and voice lessons end.

As soon as I get back to the dorms, I run to my laptop to check the views again, I've been doing this a few times each day and I am still so amazed that the number continues to rise. Close to 2 million views, with a few thousand comments and votes.

Mac told me to make a Twitter account and Instagram at least. He said I needed to give the fans a way to feel close to me. All they had was this video on YouTube, people we searching for my social media account and possibly being disappointed by the lack thereof.

I was never a social media junkie, I don't even have Facebook. I never felt that it was necessary and it was often the cause of distraction and drama. I make one as I sit at my desk and Kelly begins to show me how to navigate it. She pushes me away from the desk and her hands begin to click and clack on the keyboard. I saw my Twitter developing before my eyes. She copy and pasted the Youtue link that had gone viral and pinned it to my homepage. She chose a default picture that she liked and wrote my bio while asking me minimal questions.

When she was done, my Twitter seemed very official, even though I don't know what an official twitter even looks like.

"Gimme your phone." She commands.

I give her the iPhone 6 that Mom bought me as a going away present. Thank God she switched me from that beat down Android.

I watched as Kelly's fingers moved fast and smoothly through my phone, into my app store. A few minutes pass and I decide to let her do what she does.

By the time she handed the phone back to me, my twitter account was connected and my instagram account was set up.

I looked at her not surprised but thankful.

"What would I do without you?" I asked.

She shrugs and smiles adorably.

The night draws to an end and I struggle to sleep with the thought of my big meeting tomorrow. THE big meeting with THE MacWayne. I know that I was smiling when I fell asleep.

______________________________________________

I was wearing a fitted pants suit, grey with a burgundy top underneath. Kelly had dressed me in her clothes again. She really needed to just take me shopping. The pants suit fit as if it was made for me. She lent me a silver necklace with a half heart snuggled on the chain. I straightened me long black hair and asked for help with my make up.

I really wouldn't survive without Kelly, God knows what I would actually be looking like.

Big picks me up at 9 A.M. sharp and we arrive at the studio around 9:30 A.M.

I think Big could tell that I was a little nervous.

He didn't say much on the ride there. I liked that he knew when to talk to me and when I needed some thinking space.

Devin's words echo through my head.

Read everything!

I've heard so many people say that, that I wonder if there are just hidden surprises in every label agreement. When I enter the building, Devin isn't at the front desk and I am immediately disappointed, then I remember him telling me that he was off today.

I take a second and my brain wonders off to what he could be doing at this moment. Probably snoring his face off.

The red head secretary whose name I never bothered to remember lead me around a corner of the building I have never been to before. She swipes her card and the glass room before me opens up into a conference room with a long glass table and black chairs all around it. There is a presentation board and markers sitting on the handle of the board.

"Just take a seat, Mr. Wayne will be right with you." She says. She walks out and closes the door behind me.

I pick up on of the water bottles available by the side of the table and open it to take a gulp. The conference room is nice and small. It seems very intimate. I can see outside and who is coming in, but I don't think the outside can see us.

I clasp my hands and rest them on the long table and take even and deep breaths. I wish Devin was here with me, helping me read and analyze. I wish I had asked him to come, I should have just asked him, I'm sure Mac wouldn't mind too much.

I wish Trev was here, I was I could at least talk to him before coming in. To hear his voice even if it's is screaming 'I hate yous'.

There is a swiping sound and the conference room door opens. Cece walks in wear a classy blazer and skirt. Her hair is up into a high ponytail and she smells amazing as she greets me with a kiss on the cheek. She takes a seat at the conference table a broad smile on her face. Upon on seeing her alone, I sit up straight.

"Excited?" She asks.

"Excited, nervous, man I don't even know anymore." I laugh and she chuckles with me. She motions for me to take deep breaths and I do.

The conference room door opens again and Mac and two new people walk in behind him, both of them wearing full black, Mac wearing a white collard shirt and dress pants.

"Chanel Littel!" His voice is loud in the quiet room.

I smile and give him a hug, I shake the other peoples hands before sitting down. I definitely could have brought Devin with me.

"My superstar, my prodigy and protege. I am very excited to say the least." Mac takes his seat to the left side of me, a few chairs down. I am at the peak of the table, like I am the boss of everything that is about to happen and something tells me that I am. I take in the moment.

"I'm so blessed to even be here, Mac. You know how thankful I am." I say projecting my voice.

"You are here because you deserve to be here. The higher you go, the harder it will be to remember that. You didn't get here because someone put you on to Flex, you didn't get her because Flex sent your music to me, you didn't get here because I like you." He says seriously. He looks me deep into my eyes and I can feel him momentarily clasp my soul.

"Chanel, you are here because you are talented. That is the very first thing that is responsible for your success. Before we go any farther, I needed you to know that and I need you to remember that. All you have to do now is put in the work."

"Yes, sir." I nod agreeing.

He was right, even though I had a few connections, I genuinely got to this point because of raw talent.

"Surrounding you today are three people you will become very close with. You have already met your vocal coach Cece, she says you are doing very well. Keep that up. Cece has a contract with me and will gladly be sticking around for your vocal enhancements. She loves you, I knew she would." Mac smiles and shakes his head.

"I do love you very much, darling." Cece interrupts.

I chuckle. "Love you too." I reply.

Mac looks across the chair from him. "This is my good friend Blac Odessy, we call him Blaco. He has managed many celebrities in the past and he will be managing you. You will grow to love him as well."

Blaco is brown skin with a fade full of waves. He wears a black suit and tie and gives me an honest smile. He has glasses tucked in to his suit pocket and I wonder if he will be helping me to look over the contract and explain anything I need.

"Pleasure to be working with you, Chanel." He says in a deep voice.

Mac continues.

"This is Casey Rithers, your temporary publicist and fashion consultant. She will take you shopping in a few days, though you did a very good job today." Mac looks surprised and so does Casey.

"Yea, she looks good. She doesn't need me." Casey comments.

I laugh nervously. "Nah, I need you bad." I respond and Casey giggles again.

She is white with brown hair cut short to her ears. Her entire look was clean and collective and her face was small. She was a small girl with a high voice, but she seemed cool.

"So now that you know who you have on your team, lets get into this contract and how things are going to work here." There is an excited smile on Mac's face.

Blaco, my new manager scoots beside me and I am put at ease temporarily, he would be helping me. I just wish he was someone I had the time to trust and grow with.

The first paper reads Artist and Record Company Multiple Rights Agreement .

It extends a few pages and myself and Blaco take time to look over the entire thing, in detail as Mac speaks about the very important parts. Blaco reads the specifics and communicates them back to me.

After about half an hour of discussion between myself and Blaco, I sign myself into Atlantic Records under owner, producer and engineer Troy MacWayne from October 15, 2012 to October 15, 2014.

A two year contract of a major label, where I was expected to produce one album and one extended play or mixtape. It is clear that two bodies of work is under this contract and Blaco explains that the Record label will be funding every aspect including promotion, studio time, release etc. The goal is to have my records make even more money than what goes into production, this is where the profit comes from and that is how everyone gets paid.

The terms and policies are read to me aloud and Blaco circles parts I should be paying attention to. I stopped often to question what some statements mean.

I promised Devin, Mom and Trisha that I would really read and be careful in what I was signing.

I signed over any profits from any songs made under this contract, which felt odd but I already knew how that worked.

My signature was required on the very last page, asking if I agree to stay in the contract until the allotted time or suffer persecution. I sign there too and the room roars in applause and confetti shoots out of the ceiling with a loud bang that scares the living shit out of me.

They all laugh at my wide-eyed response and I join in with them after I settle my heartbeat.

"Welcome to Atlantic Records, Chanel." Mac gets up and gives me a big hug, I hug back tightly then when he lets go, I yell.

"LET'S FUCKING DO THIS!"

"Wooo!" Cece yells.

Blaco cheers and Mac pulls a bottle of champagne out of the mini fridge. We all ignored the fact that it was only 12 in the afternoon.