《The Come Up》Chapter 13 - I am my Mother
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It's been two weeks since the incident. The block has been quiet since Francis moved away. I guess whatever garbage he was mixed up in left with him. These days my eyes are red and my face is tired. I've been ignoring all of Trev's phone calls and I've hated myself more than anything for it. I should want to hear his voice, I should want to visit and see his face. I should.
As a girl friend, if I can even call myself that anymore, I should want to hear from my boy friend who risked his life protecting me. Someone who I put in danger all on my own.
I should want to see or hear him
But I don't
I can't see him in there
And every time he calls, I see him in there
Deranged look on his face, his soft eyes hardened, anger in its depth
My skin crawls and my stomach aches
I can't hear his voice if it sounds drained and depressed, I can't answer the phone
I can't answer because I wont be able to speak
Like my Mother, I will just be able to cry
And what an odd thing that would be
Me on the other side of the visual so clearly marked into my brain
My entire arm wrapped around the phone cord, crying
Eyes teary, mouth open
No sound escaping, just words I wish I had said on the previous phone call I ignored
I have been plagued with memories of her crying against the kitchen counter top
Back hunched over, head placed on her arm
Sometimes she cried so hard, I thought she may throw up
She would cough and cough, then before she could take a deep breath
She would dry heave
I am not my Mother
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Or maybe I am just like her
Maybe much like her, I can't see him in there
Maybe she couldn't bare it either and now I can't bare it
Maybe she wore her heart on her sleeves so now I can't wear it
Maybe I have heard so many of her mistakes, so when niggas step to me I can't hear it
Maybe she let her walls down so mine can go up
Maybe my heart is guarded because hers got cut up
This is why I don't write.
Because when poetry flows from the wounded, you get wounded poetry
This is why I don't write
Because when I can't show my emotions
Poetry shows me...
This is why I can't write.
Fuck.
This is exactly why.
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