Two people me and my parents was supposed to trust and feel

comfortable with, who i was told it's okay to be alone

with, took advantage of me and my body.

I sometimes wonder if something is actually wrong

with my body. i ask myself things like, why did it

have to be me, do i look like an easy target, do i look

weak, that's why they did what they did and

pretended that it was okay?

they never brought it up ever and continue doing it

over and over again.

i will admit though i couldn't control the reaction of

my body. i got wet and aroused and i feel sick about

it.

i regret it everyday, why couldn't i just say "stop it" or

"no"?

i would completely freeze in that moment. i felt like the things they were doing to me wasn't actually happening to me and i was in the corner, out of my body, watching everything happening.

why couldn't i protect myself from these people

who never made me feel safe, people who made me

feel a hug or a kiss on the

cheek is a sexual gesture.

i never felt comfortable with people touching me,

hugging felt too intimate maybe thats why i'm afraid

of sex, cause it feels too intimate and personal and i get constant flash backs.

i want everyone to know that rape doesn't happen in

the dark alleys all the time, it can happen in the

comfort of your own house, your own bedroom, your

safe and comfort zone. it can make your whole world

crush only in a matter of seconds.

people say everything happens for a reason and god

works in mysterious ways, no the fuck it doesn't.

experiencing foreign feelings at the age of 10 does

not have a reason.

not feeling safe in your own bedroom doesn't have a

reason, there is no greater mystery behind it waiting

to be solved.

i never told anyone about this but writing about it

makes me feel fucking sick to my stomach and i wish

i had the courage to confront my abusers but i don't

think i am that brave

not yet at least.

-anonymous