《How He Fell》3 0 | b r o k e n
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☙❦❧
hated to acknowledge it.
Two weeks.
And the pain hadn't left. It just made its presence even more known.
He knocked on the mahogany door in front of him with his breath hitched. He wasn't sure if coming to her house was a good idea. After everything that happened, it just didn't seem right.
But she was always there for him and he had a feeling that she wouldn't push him away even now.
Opening the door, Tiana blinked in surprise.
"Maddox," she quietly whispered to herself looking at him with shock and confusion.
He swallowed back his hesitation. It was too late now.
"Tiana," he breathed with a certain weight of sadness crushing his lungs, "Can I come in?"
She rolled her lower lip inward, eyebrows furrowed as she pondered over the idea of him in her house. She sighed with her eyes closed before opening the door all the way and moving to the side, allowing him to pass through.
As he stepped into her home, everything felt dull. Her house didn't seem lively anymore, it was as if something had changed. He just wasn't sure what it was.
"Upstairs?" he questioned with uncertainty.
She shook her head, "The living room is fine."
Things were different now. The relationship between the two had changed as well.
He nodded his head in false understanding before sitting down on the couch. She made her way beside him curling into herself and resting her head on her knees.
"So," she mumbled, "what brings you here?"
Inhaling sharply, he wasn't ready to accept what had happened. If he were to voice his situation, he'd no longer be denying what he'd been trying to deny since it happened.
So with a shake of his head, he went in another direction.
"I need to forget."
The two bottles of scotch were empty as the third was close to finished as well and the harsh smell of their drinking could be detected from a mile away.
They drank to oblivion, hoping to find some kind of answer between the bottom of this bottle and probably the next and the one afterwards. They drank in silence, only mumbling senseless sentences, slurring their speech dramatically. Few words exchanged between them as the night dragged on.
Both of them were broken, but only one of them noticed that. The other only worried about their own hurt, not looking deep enough to find the pain in the person beside them. Maybe alcohol wasn't the best way to forget. All it did was make one even more truthful about their invisible injuries and then spill everything they never wanted to admit.
The drinking had started around three hours ago and looking outside, Tiana could see as the quiet night let a hush of silence blow over the town. They were both exhausted, mentally and physically. They just needed to be okay again.
Tiana looked over at Maddox as a tear fell down his cheek. Concern etched on her face, she moved closer to him.
"What's wrong Maddox?" she quietly whispered.
He took a shaky breath as he looked up at the ceiling, just praying that everything that had happened two weeks was just a dream.
That him and Evelyn really weren't over.
"We're done," he quietly said shaking his head trying to deny the words that had just left his mouth. "It's really over," he said, his voice breaking.
Another tear cascaded down his cheek, but he attempted to wipe it.
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Tiana watched him with sympathy pouring through her heart.
"It's not over," she said comforting him.
"No," he stubbornly mumbled, "It's over. It was over two weeks Tiana. It's not going to get better."
Looking away from him, she fidgeted with her hands heaving a deep breath. She was torn apart between wanting to make him feel better or letting her selfishness guide her thoughts into words. It was hard trying to not break when you're around the person you loved. The person you still love. Especially when they don't notice the despair you're in. The darkness that had engulfed her was a reminder that she was no longer fine. She had given up too easily, too soon. She let the monsters take her away. She let their harsh words resonate with her. She let herself believe the false lies they fed her.
She was vulnerable and they took advantage of that.
"If you love someone, you learn to let them go," she said looking back at him and offering him a small smile of solace.
"But why would anyone want to let their life just go?"
She laughed humorlessly.
"No one wants to let the person they love go. No one wants to give them up. But we love them enough to know that they aren't happy with us. They're better off smiling without us. We bring them down and we don't bring them the happiness they bring us. So we let them go so they can find happiness with someone whose smile lights up around them as well," she stopped as her voice cut off, emotions seeking refuge in the front of her mind.
"But Maddox, if they love you enough, they'll come back. I know...that Evelyn loves you as much as you love her," she said swallowing her hurt, addressing him directly.
"Not everyone has that love. A love that's mutually shared," she quietly mumbled to herself.
He inspected her expression, not noticing the double meaning behind her words. He didn't notice her pain, the hurt he caused her.
"She's wor—," he stuttered, "she's worth letting go of, but what about my happiness?"
As Tiana observed his tired form, she felt herself crack and give into the pain that had been pushing on her walls for quite a while.
"I don't know Maddox," she tiredly snapped. She had given into the pressure to be selfish. "It depends if you could carry on without her or not," she faintly stated as she got up abruptly.
He stared at her incredulously as she brushed her hair to one side of her neck before mumbling something about needing a minute alone and leaving for the kitchen.
Watching her back disappear from his vision, confusion settled in.
Hearing a strangled sob from the direction she walked, he knew she was crying. Getting up, he headed towards her wanting to help in whatever she was going through.
She was always there for him. Was he ever there for her?
Silently taking a seat on the stool beside her, he coaxed her hands away from her face.
"What's wrong?"
Looking at him, she blinked as another tear fell. Immediately, she got up letting the stool fall over as she glared at him with hate.
His eyes held concern and she hated it. All of a sudden, when the physical symptoms show up, that's when he realized that she'd been hurting all along.
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"Don't you dare," she weakly threatened him with fury in her eyes. She bit her lip in frustration and closed her eyes to try and transport herself to a world where she wasn't hurt.
A world where she was worth it for someone. A world where she wasn't sick.
"You don't get to do that Maddox," she whispered choking on a sob as the tears continued.
"You don't get to be there for me. You left me alone so you don't get to try and be my anchor. You let me drift long ago. You don't get to do that," she cried weakly.
"What do you mean? You can't hate me for not loving you back Tiana. That's unfair. My feelings can't just fit right in with yours. You can't be mad that I didn't feel what you felt," he responded angrily.
"This isn't about that Maddox!" she shrieked with sudden aggression. "This is about how you just left me in the dark. I understand that I couldn't make you love me. Hell it's my fault for loving someone who never even really knew me. But I held on for dear life and I was at a point where I needed you to need me back," she said breaking down completely.
He quietly watched as her strangled cries pleaded for someone's help and he wanted to help her. But he knew that he wasn't the one she needed. She needed someone else to come along and help pick her up. If he helped her up, things wouldn't change because her feelings would stick and something like this would happen all over again.
"You just left. You could've at least helped me cope with the hurt you caused me. I have no one," she whimpered out. "I have no one to catch me. To help me. You never asked me how I was doing, how I was coping. You just went on to pursue the girl you love. But what about the girl who loved you? You couldn't have made it any harder for her. You walked away from her without turning to look back."
She wasn't crying anymore, but the dried tears were a reminder of the black hole she had succumbed to.
"We weren't just friends with benefits Maddox. We talked. We confided in each other and you could've at least tried to make that stay alive instead of leaving me completely. And I can't talk to anyone now," she whispered brokenly.
"You have me," he gently said as he walked closer.
She put her hand up to stop him from coming any closer. From speaking any further.
"No," she said shaking her head, "I don't. Not anymore. I can't try anymore. I can't just forget that you forgot about me Maddox. You forgot about me. You left and I can't look at you without my heart breaking. I can live with knowing that you don't love me. I didn't need you to love me, but I needed you to want to stick around. As a friend, someone who could be my safe haven. You figured when I said for you to go get Evelyn, that I meant to just neglect that I was ever there for you. That I still am there for you. But that's not what I meant. I was just accepting that you never felt more for me like I did for you. And now? I can't anymore. I can't breathe. I can't do worse."
She wept with hate and pain and love and regret. Hate for feeling something for someone who didn't care enough. Pain for not being wanted by anyone. Love for the boy in front of her. And regret.
Regret for loving a boy who forgot her name. Who forgot her voice and the color of her eyes. Who forgot her smile and laugh.
Who simply forgot about her.
"It doesn't matter how fast I run," she mumbled as she slid down the fridge to sit on the floor, "the pain is always faster."
Swallowing, he quietly walked towards her and took a seat beside her on the floor.
"Tiana," he sighed, "Tiana please look at me."
Slowly turning her gaze towards him, he noted her red-rimmed eyes and disheveled form. He noticed her hiccups as she tried not to cry again. He noticed how horribly broken he had left her.
How he just forgot about the girl who had helped him through everything.
As realization hit him like a ton of bricks, the guilt on his shoulders was worse than any other weight he'd ever felt before.
"I'm sorry I never tried with you. I kn—I know I never really thought about you," he admitted, "I took you for granted and I'm so sorry Tiana," he stressed.
She sniffled not wanting to acknowledge his late apology. Nodding her head, she turned her head to look out the window across the kitchen. Looking out into the dark night, she felt herself collapse inside.
"I never meant to hurt you," he quietly mumbled.
She laughed with humorless amusement. Subtly shaking her head, a sardonic smile cut through her features.
"But that's the problem Maddox. It doesn't matter does it? In the end it all hurts the same."
Her words stopped him from responding. He knew she was right. In the end, the outcome didn't really change. The action leading up to the outcome may have been switched out for another, but the final result would always end in raw pain.
Some things don't change just because you choose a different path.
He didn't know what else to say to Tiana. He knew it would take time for her to forgive him for what he'd done. For what he'd caused her without thinking. He wasn't thinking. He was being selfish.
In the midst of his thoughts, Tiana's soft voice cut through.
"From what I saw today Maddox, I'm not the only one who's hurting," Tiana mumbled out quietly. "Maybe worry about yourself before worrying about a relationship."
Snapping his head towards her, he stared at the small comforting smile on her face as she wiped the tears away. Offering him what she could muster, he smiled back at her attempt at being civil.
"She loves you Maddox, she loves you a lot. But your relationship is hopeless if you can't work out your own problems first."
He nodded knowing she was right.
"Thank you Tiana," he said squeezing her hand softly.
Looking down to stare at his hand over hers, she laughed a little. Turning her hand so she was holding his, she squeezed his hand back.
"What are friends for?"
After all he'd put her through, she still considered him a friend.
And he'd make sure to never take her for granted ever again.
☙❦❧
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