《How He Fell》2 0 | l i e s
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breathing seized once he spoke his past aloud.
"He was a good father in the beginning, always taking us to the fair and complimenting my mom all the time. He used to take me for ice cream and he used to take my mom out on dates every week. He was a good man," he said, his breath hitching at the thought of how things once were.
He closed his eyes and sighed, "Then suddenly he wasn't. His business wasn't doing its best and the stress took over. He was a shell of the father I once had. He was bankrupt and he fell into the wrong crowd. A crowd of people who could've taken absolutely everything from him, but instead of them ruining him, he ruined himself."
Evelyn put her hand on his own, and he relaxed slightly. It was her encouragement for him to keep going.
Maddox thought back to how his father fell in love with the life of that crowd, a life of violence and misogyny and pain. His father changed and suddenly he wasn't nice. He stopped taking him for ice cream and his mom out for dates. Maddox would squeeze his ears shut, hoping to shut out the sounds of his father hitting his mom.
"He hit her Evelyn," he quietly managed to say after moments of absolute silence. "He would hit her and–– and he wo––– and he would touch her in ways she didn't want to be touched."
He didn't want to go any further, having to remember those things. He didn't want to relive it all.
Evelyn quickly moved to be closer to him, making herself comfortable on his lap. She rushed to put her arms around him, squeezing as hard as she could before the tears started trickling down her face.
"I understand," she quietly whispered, telling him that she knew exactly what he was trying to say. Although she meant to stay strong for him, she cried.
He immediately wrapped his arms around her, hating the fact that she was crying.
"Hey hey," he quietly coaxed kissing her temple, "It's okay. It was a long time ago, I'm fine now. You don't have to worry about me."
She cried harder as his words registered in her mind. She pulled away a little to look at his face before she brought him close to her chest, kissing the top of his head.
"Time doesn't heal wounds," she managed to mumble in the midst of the tears running down her face.
He knew she had more to say and so he stayed quiet, for once not wanting to try being brave and strong. He chose not to pipe up and throw her statement aside. Instead, he chose to let her logic overpower his reasons because he knew that if there was anyone who could be the most truthful about pain and emotion, it would be no one else but Evelyn.
He let his thumbs run over her stiff back muscles, clearly trying to help her calm down a little.
"I know that there's that saying: 'Time heals all wounds'. And for the longest time that's what I believed Maddox," she said starting to sniffle back another round of sobs, "But when I still hurt after years of trying to heal, I knew that saying was bullshit."
They sat wrapped in each other's arms both trying to figure out how life threw so much crap at them.
"Time doesn't heal wounds. It's just what we perceive to be the reason we no longer feel the pain. Time can make us numb to it, but at any given moment we can hurt all over again," she said with a humorless laugh. "In all honesty, we heal ourselves. We just don't realize when we no longer feel the pain and we thank Time for being our savior."
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"So what are you trying to say Evelyn?" he tiredly sighed looking away from her eyes.
She looked over his shoulder, at the darkness leading into the dense forest, hiding itself. She didn't even really know what to say.
Shrugging, she continued.
"I guess what I'm saying is that I know you still hurt from your past and saying that it was a long time ago won't magically make everything better. You don't have to be fine just because it was some years earlier. Let yourself hurt Maddox," she whispered softly.
Closing his eyes, he let her see the kind of person his past had turned him into, but he didn't like it. He didn't like being so bare. There were no secrets between them anymore and he hated it. He was so used to keeping at least one thing bottled up, but she knew everything. There was nothing left for him to keep to himself. To her, he was naked.
And he didn't want to be.
In that moment, all he could think about was running and running far. So far that she would never be able to see all that there is to him. So that she wouldn't be able to pick him apart piece by piece, making him feel so loved that he was willing to be broken open.
She was like the delicate wrapping around a sharp blade– protecting it from getting dirty but being torn in the process.
She was what he needed to calm down, but instead of relaxing, anger surged through his veins. He was angry, mad, frustrated. Why'd he tell her what he did? That was something no one else knew and he didn't want anyone else to know. It was his secret. His own little world. It was a part of him that he absolutely loathed and he always thought that if no one ever knew, it would help him keep the past in the back of his mind.
It'd be one less person to forget the shit he went through.
But now he told her. He told her because he was weak. He wasn't strong enough to take the pain on his own, to handle it on his own. His father was right.
He'd always be a broken wing.
The words couldn't stop repeating themselves in his mind.
"Get off Evelyn."
Her tight hold on him loosened as she processed his words, "Huh?"
He didn't want to hurt her, but he was glass falling from the sky and she was paper floating through the air. He was eventually going to slice right through her as he fell. She wasn't strong enough to hold him up, to guide him to safety.
She had her own demons. She had no time to worry about his.
He was supposed to be his own savior.
Closing his eyes, he breathed slowly attempting to calm himself so he wouldn't completely flip out on her. Because this wasn't her fault. It was his. His mind was fucked up and he was ruined. She wouldn't want him anymore, after knowing everything about him. She would get bored.
"Get the fuck off me," he gritted out harshly not wasting any time in starting to get up. She immediately got off him and backed away, concern etched on her face. Yet, she stood at a cautious distance. She knew he was on the verge of exploding.
Five months. That's how long they've been friends.
Perhaps after knowing someone for that amount of time, you slowly understand what their actions and words foreshadow.
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Realizing that he couldn't be so cruel towards her again, he stared out at the open atmosphere behind her, wondering how his life came to this. Taking time to calm down, he finally looked at Evelyn. He opened his mouth to speak before closing it and taking a moment to decide what he was going to say to her.
"Look," he sighed running a hand through his hair, "I think I need a break."
She furrowed her eyebrows, clearly confused as to what he was saying and what he wanted, "What do you mean?"
His timer was ticking and she was about to be in ruins.
"I need to get out of here. Time away from everything."
She bit her lip looking down, "Time away from me," she mumbled knowingly.
He swallowed hard, hating that he had to be away from her. It wasn't her fault. It was his own. He was too weak to care for himself, yet too proud to let someone else help. He hadn't learnt to help save himself so how was someone else suppose to?
There were those days, when the rain submerged him, and the water he drowned into distorted the shapes up above. They became a different reality, just like his past when he had the nightmares. He tried to tread the water, attempting to reach the surface just for one more breath. But each time the monster below pulled him down further.
It seemed he was at a point where his body gave out and the monster retracted its hands from his legs. It gave him an opportunity to find freedom, but Maddox had gotten so used to the tug-of-war game that he felt safer down below.
Safer down in the water, losing energy, wasting oxygen. And whenever he looked up, there was no one yelling for him to come back. No one's voice cracked screaming for him to stay.
So why try to go back to a reality where no one needed him?
Evelyn had been a friend and she deserved the world, but if they stayed friends any longer, he'd end up keeping her chained down to him.
And he was stuck in hell.
"I'll drop you home," he mumbled awkwardly, not wanting to leave her alone to walk back all by herself.
As he reached to grab her forearm, she pulled away shrugging his touch off. Confusion clouded his features as he took in her rigid stance. She was quiet, but her jaw was clenched as were her fists. She stood a little worn down, but with enough fight within her to challenge his statement.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"
It wasn't him that said that. It was her. The sentence tumbled out of her mouth before she could rephrase it.
"You can't deal with your shit so you have to take a break from everything?" she questioned incredulously, "Honestly Maddox!"
He stared at her, noticing how she rolled her eyes with her hands on her hips. She was tapping her foot as if expecting a logical answer.
He shrugged his shoulders.
Scoffing, she let her arms fly down loosely as her head tilted back to look up at the dark night.
"You're just going to run away because it got too hard? Is that what you're going to do? You think I have it easy? Cause I don't. But guess what Maddox," she stated irritably, "I'm still here."
Walking closer so they were head to chest, she looked up at him with furious eyes, "You once said I had no backbone, I was weak, but it seems it's the opposite. You can't deal with your shit so you just give up. Life doesn't give you breaks Maddox. With everything you've been through, you should already know that."
"Well what do you want me to do Evelyn?" he angrily replied. Throwing his hands up, he gestured around them.
"We aren't forever. I make friends and they come and go. You're not a constant. You're someone along the road. And I decided to tell you my past and I shouldn't have. I should have never," he yelled out in frustration.
As the words left his mouth, he prayed that they would make her run– run so far that he would never get the chance to taint her beauty.
She recoiled back, obviously affected by his cruel statement.
He wondered why she cared so much. Watching as she hurriedly wiped a lone tear away, it clicked in his mind.
She liked him.
Weirdly enough, that would help to end whatever the hell kind of friendship they had.
As she turned to walk away, he quickly grabbed her wrist to turn her back around.
"Why do you care so much anyways?" he taunted brushing his lips against her ear.
Her breath hitched as his touch sent a jolt of electricity through her body. She shivered with delight and her eyes closed as she suppressed a moan.
Who would've thought that a little touch would consume her whole body?
"Be-because," she stuttered quietly attempting to pull away from him. His grip was tight though, tight enough to keep her close to him but loose enough to not bruise her delicate skin.
"Because why?" he whispered.
His voice was husky and all she wanted to do was get on her tippy toes so her lips could touch his, but she had to refrain from doing such a thing.
She knew he was provoking her to make a move that would probably change their friendship forever. She wasn't sure if it meant he wanted her to or he just wanted her to admit to having feelings for him.
She was terrified of giving herself away.
"You're my friend, that's why," she lamely spoke.
He rolled his eyes knowing she had to have a better answer.
"Don't bullshit me Evelyn. Why the hell do you care so much?" he gritted out harshly, tugging her closer. She let out a gasp as the little distance between them gave away. He stared down at her as she stared back up.
Her eyes flickered down to his lips and back to his eyes before looking away quickly.
"Don't make me say it," she spoke pleadingly.
"Then give me a reason why you care so much."
"Because I like you!" she screamed loudly, loud enough for the whole town to hear from the top of the cliff.
Immediately, she slapped her hand against her mouth, eyes wide open. Realizing there was no point in keeping it a secret any longer, she slowly took her hand away from her mouth sighing gently.
"Because I like you Maddox," she mumbled brushing a strand of hair behind her ear.
He was stiff as a board, not looking at her. Even though he had a sneakingly strong suspicion, her confession still threw him off. She couldn't like him. She shouldn't like him.
"Look at me Maddox," she gently cried out bringing her hand up to cup his chin. As his shielded eyes came into view, she saw the anger in the glare he shot her way.
"Say something. Please."
He looked away from her before stepping back, leaving the cold to wrap around her once warm body.
"And I don't."
He was lying.
His voice held many emotions. Anger, annoyance, frustration, but not a single ounce of guilt or regret. Nothing that told her he was lying and in a twisted way, he was proud for making her believe his lies.
"I don't like you Evelyn. I never have, never will. I've been with Tiana. I've been with other girls. All who are nothing like you."
He knew he was hurting her, but it had to happen. She couldn't like him. He couldn't be with her. Even if Tiana told him to go for it, he couldn't.
In the water he was drowning, he couldn't see or hear anyone screaming for him to stay.
Not even Evelyn.
"I've had better than you and I won't ever want to be with you," he stated emotionlessly.
"You're lying," she whispered looking down as a tear fell down her cheek. She shook her head to convince herself that he was lying, that he was hurt and he just couldn't handle so much at once.
"No I'm not."
Yes he was.
"Yes you are!"
Yes he was.
Even though it drained and hurt him to do so, he took a step closer to Evelyn before holding her right in front of him.
"No," he started, "I don't. I'm not some guy to help some damsel in distress. I don't like you and god forbid I ever do."
By now the tears had stopped and all that was left was a tired and sad girl who realized she trusted and felt too much too fast. And on the other side, all that was left was a tired and ruined boy who didn't realize that he was capable of being loved.
"Okay," she hoarsely responded. Swallowing hard, she nodded as if completely okay now.
She wasn't really, but in front of him? She didn't want to seem weak.
"Okay," she said clearing her throat, "Can you take me home please?"
He furrowed his eyebrows at her sudden change in mood. He pressed his lips together, contemplating if she was really okay now.
"Okay," he stated, "Come on."
The thing was, he knew she wasn't okay. He knew that he was one of the few good things left for her and he was leaving now too.
But at this point, he only seemed to care about his own monsters.
Because they were at his feet, pulling him in too deep.
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