Although my upper body strength was pretty good (yes, for a woman), I knew I was going to have to seriously step up into my fitness routine in order to at least do three or four runs at mannequin targets. They would be set at full bodyweight, and I would have to knock them down and free the blade at gallop.

I'll be honest, the challenge to myself was exciting, I had almost three weeks left before the trials would begin. For the most part, I was left to my own devices, war preparations were gearing up a notch and the castle was noisy with feet and riders and the crafting. The mood wasn't grim, just, regimented I think is the right word, as the machine of war sped up around me.

I was delighted to be summoned to the Main Hall to eat with Yukimura one morning; it felt like ages since I had seen him. As I strode into the Hall, the dais was empty and I soon saw his tall frame as be beckoned me to join him.

He stood a little away from me as I arrived, I had not been very kind to him the last time he greeted me, so I broke all protocols and rushed to hug him. He only hesitated for a moment before hugging me back and swirling me around in his arms.

"Lady Tamara!" He exclaimed, beaming at me and blushing like a schoolboy. I just smiled back, words were unnecessary and he set me on my feet putting his hands on my shoulders to look at me at arm's length.

His hands tightened for a second then sharply let me go.

I saw confusion cross his face as it no doubt crossed mine as well.

"You ... you ... your shoulders ... you ..."

He stopped and looked at his hands as if they had been lying to him.

"Hahaha ... they're called muscles Lord Yukimura, everyone has them you know. "

He looked so uncomfortable in front of me, and a series of chuckles erupted around us.

"I know that." He tried to look cross, "but...you..." He looked away again, perplexed.

"You are a wonderfully sweet man" I said, placing my hand on his arm, "I'll take your words as a compliment, now where's the food, I could eat a horse."

We sat together and ate, although from time to time I saw his thoughts confuse him as he looked occasionally at his hands. It was endearing, and good to be at his side in friendship again.

My trainers proved invaluable to me, jogging and running around the castle grounds, I found all manner of obstacles to improve my agility and fitness. I genuinely terrified more than a few of the inhabitants, between my silver blonde ponytail and the footwear they saw some sort of restless spirit appear before them.

On a couple of occasions I trained in a long spear squad for formation practice. They gave me no quarter and my inexperience at first gave me plenty of bruises as I rode into others. The patterns weren't too hard to learn though, I have ridden more complicated dressage tests, and I know I surprised my troop commander and the others at how easily I responded to the training.

Shinshoni would kindly massage my shoulders and aching body on most evenings, she would always bring with her Lord Shingen's two dogs and it gave me a real sense of family, of belonging.

The full weight targets tested me sorely, especially when laughter would ring around me when I missed a mark or just didn't have the speed or strength to pull the blade free. They all shut up at tent pegging though, I was almost top of my group.

Lord Yukimura caught up with me in the stables a few days before the trials, he stopped in his tracks as he saw me with shock on his face.

"What?" I exclaimed defensively, then I realised I was easily carrying a saddle in each hand, wearing my tank top and wrist cuffs. "Oh for pete's sake" I sighed, setting them down and putting my hands on my hips in front of him.

I don't think my stance helped at this point.

He tried to recover, but then looked away as I folded my arms across my chest in exasperation. "You guys have funny ideas about women." My voice was laden with warning. He found my eyes at last and some of his confidence seemed to return.

"Lady Tamara, we need to get you armour, come with me."

He did his best to sound convincing, but I couldn't help smiling as I followed his broad frame from the stables. Once again we visited the tailoring man, who looked appraisingly at me as we entered, and I could feel he was admiring his work more than looking me over. The noise was loud around us as Lord Yukimura and the tailor spoke quietly – I wasn't drawn at all to their conversation, I just immersed myself in the noise and smells around me, it was kind of thrilling.

At the call of my name I turned back to see a beautifully crafted lightweight chest piece, dark blue had been soaked into its shape and it was highlighted with silver. There was a long sleeved tunic to go under it, which from the weight of it had some metal in the weave. There were longer wrist supports with a jointed elbow guard along with boots that had the same with a knee guard for easy movement from the saddle.

I thought I was going to be trussed up like a chicken as each layer was fitted, but nowhere did it hinder my movement and the support around my ribs felt good. The last thing was a cloak, I knew it was designed to make an archer's aim more difficult as it moved at speed, but with guns entering warfare here I'm sure it was more for show.

I spun away from the tailor to face Lord Yukimura in a flurry of material,

He took a back step.

"What now?" I was terse, looking down at the outfit, it felt wonderful, so I twirled again in delight.

"Oh wow." Was all he could manage, so I turned back to the smiling tailor to thank him, he was a master of his craft and he was delighted with my praise. He passed me some leather treatment for the straps and as I smelled the pot I recognised it as my own recipe, or close to it, the one I had given Ryo the day we left for ...

Suddenly my world went dark.

I wasn't prepared for that to surface. I stood staring at the pot in my hands as I vaguely heard Yukimura thank the tailor again. He put an arm around me to shepherd me out, but I instinctively ducked away at his contact saying:

"Don't."

Then left of my own accord leaving confusion in my wake.

Striding back across the courtyard, oblivious to the appreciative calls of those I passed; my feet seemed to be taking me towards my room on their own. Darkness swirled around my mind, beginning to cloud my vision. I found it wasn't darkness but tears escaping on their own; I had to get to my room.

I gripped the small pot so fiercely I felt it crack in my hands, so I threw it with force away from me as it buckled, the ceramic smash of it on the ground behind me barely reached my senses.

I clenched my hands into fists; I was almost there, almost back to sanctuary.

I didn't see Lord Shingen step into my path and slammed straight into his chest with such force he took a couple of steps back.

It was like running into a hardwood tree and I bounced off him.

He didn't say a word but bundled me forcibly into my room.

This was not sanctuary.

He stood just inside my door with his arms crossed.

I stood looking at the floor, my fists still clenched, my arms at my sides. The chest piece now felt restrictive, as my breathing was ragged.

The silence continued, both of us bristling for different reasons, then he surprised me by departing, the door rasped shut with more force than it was used to and I heard his stride move away down the verandah.

A part of him still stood there, an echo of his aura at the door, so I stood exactly where I was until that finally left as well.

I sat on the low table as the sunlight shifted in my room. There weren't any thoughts, no swirling of anything, just never-ending darkness in my mind. I was only vaguely aware of Shinshoni entering quietly, without a word she released me from the cloak and chest piece, and the long cuffs on my arms.

Her cool, soft touch and care wound its way into the space where my heart had been, and I felt tears run down my nose and watched them splash onto the floor at my feet.

I couldn't speak even if I had wanted to, and she sat beside me for a while, and then made to go to leave.

"Please." I croaked a whisper, "Don't go."

She sat down again, her hands clasped in her lap. I looked through tears between her elegant fingers and at my own, nicked, scarred and rough. My vision disappeared as more tears ran and as I fell towards her shoulder, she wrapped me in an arm.

There was no sobbing, not a sound left my lips, just tears, rivers of tears as my mind sat in the darkness. At some point I changed into my robe, though I can't really remember when. Shinshoni only offered me the solace of her touch, no words passed between us.

As I curled up in the bedding, she lit a couple of lamps; the only thing she said, as she quietly left was that she would bring some food by later.

Now it was like sanctuary, and curled up in the bedding my eyes finally ran dry even though my mind stayed in the dark.

No voices.

No pictures.

No nothing.

When I woke later, Shinshoni had kept her promise, a tray had been put beside me, I hadn't heard her at all. I picked at it, and then rolled back into sleep.