Going back to lance training was something I had avoided.

Kenshin's words and all the ghostly, ghastly faces of the men who had perished would hit me the second I touched the wood, I was certain.

Time was moving on though, and I had to prove Lord Shingen's faith in my skills was not misplaced. There were still many of his generals vocal in their opinions of a woman joining battle - there were plenty of noble women trained to fight, but not the way I was.

He said he would offer me a fair trial, but I knew now I already had a place. It was up to me now to prove my worth.

I took Jin out in the half-light of pre-dawn to be at the training grounds alone. I had no wish for anyone to see me face my demons. Ryo agreed to come with me, and I trusted him to keep his mouth shut if I caved.

Riding to the grounds I had no idea within myself what I could do. I tried to keep my face a blank to mask the turmoil in my mind.

"Lady Tamara, are you unwell?"

The question was fair, but sounded like an echo of Lord Shingen's voice. I rode on in silence until I could answer him without my voice betraying me.

"No Ryo, just thinking of the past."

"If I can do anything ..." I put my hand up, cutting him off.

"Thank you Ryo, it's something only I can face on my own."

He slowed his pace, allowing me to be alone with my thoughts.

The targets were lined up in front of me, their paper fluttering a little in the dawn breeze. I had spent longer than usual warming up, but I couldn't put off the lance any longer.

Ryo handed me a lance.

My hand dropped it immediately; it felt like holding fire and a thousand screams.

He presumed it was his fault in passing and my jaw was so set I couldn't speak to tell him otherwise. Jin was prancing uncomfortably underneath me, confused by my mood. He snorted and pulled his head against the bridle as complaint.

I took a deep breath and finally calm came, the focus - the quiet.

The lance came easily to me a second time, and I gave Jin time to settle as my hand and arm reacquainted themselves with the weight. I jogged the line of targets, slowly practicing my swing.

On the third swing the sharp blade grazed the dirt and again I heard the ghosts of men rise from the ground around me.

The lance clattered to the ground.

My temper began to rise, angry at the weakness in myself. I left the lance and surged forwards, trying to outrun my mind. Galloping a large half circle, my headlong path brought me in line with the cherry tree.

I bounced Jin to a rough halt as I battled and fought with my mind.

Then I found it - cold clarity.

My heart slowed, my mind settled and I cantered slowly back to Ryo who had retrieved the lance. I took it as I passed him and now it felt different in my grip.

Jin was slow to settle, so I circled him a few times, then flew down the target line. I missed by miles on my first attempt and fury tried to get an upper hand. Tears found the edges of my eyes, but I pushed them back, pushed everything back, and then I flew again.

The mark was clean and I took it back to Ryo who pulled it away from the blade as I spun to go again.

I could feel my focus shifting.

I was calmer now, and target after target felt easier.

The repeated process was becoming almost too easy, despite the speed I was travelling.

Ryo made the targets smaller and still they found my lance with ease. The sound of Jin galloping, the rush of air against my skin, the sense of power from his stride, time seemed to slow around me. I raised my lance high at the end of a run to signal I was done.

Oh yes indeedy that felt good now.

"Lady Tamara, you are not well."

Lord Shingen's voice spoke clearly in my head. But I found I could flick the thought aside as some other cold - delight? Stepped to the fore.

I could do this.

I was good at this.

I would fight for the Takeda Clan.

I leant forwards and stroked Jin's neck, he was a truly wonderful horse to put with his changeable rider and still give his heart to the task. I felt I had a true friend in him. Ryo saw my grinning face and visibly sagged with relief before returning my smile, yet he took the lance in silence.

The sun was just starting to push the shadows back across the grounds as we headed back, the sweet aroma of horse sweat, leather and the warming grass surrounded me, the regular beat of Jin's feet and his cadenced step brought an energy to me, I wouldn't call it happiness, but it was something.