I threw myself into the physical training, pushing myself every day, almost to my limits and relishing the aches and pains it brought.

My sword work improved, but I was constantly annoyed at myself; my speed, my coordination, let alone my lack of brute strength put me at a real disadvantage. What made it worse is that I knew Lord Yukimura was simply playing with me. I would never have the strength of a well-trained male.

On more than one occasion I found my one great weakness was my temper; no matter how I tried to stay calm and focused it would often get the better of me.

I started to put more effort into my quiet times on the castle walls, refining my self-discipline.

My skills overlapped to my riding, it was the best I had ever felt on a horse, and the bond grew deeper between me and Jin (the first time I had ever named a horse here), in my time with him I could be mindful in a present moment. It was a tonic for my soul.

In the evenings I would choose to eat alone, pouring over maps and scrolls, trying to decipher the puzzle. I learnt a lot about Kai – but any clue to the parchment continued to elude me. One day melted into another as spring moved into summer. Shinshoni and I would sometimes watch the sun go down from the verandah outside my door, we would talk about silly things of no importance, and once or twice my old friend, my resident cat would come by. I don't think he felt comfortable around the way I was and wouldn't stay for long.

It was early one warm afternoon as I was tacking up Jin, Lord Shingen appeared behind me out of nowhere. I hadn't seen him at all since that night in his chambers. He looked serious, so I ducked out of the stall to his side.

"I would speak with you Lady Tamara, we will ride together to the training grounds." He didn't look at me, just stared ahead into my horse's stall.

I hadn't even noticed his horse was being readied; Jin and I were so in our own little world. Shingen had already turned back towards the courtyard to wait for his horse before I could reply, so I retrieved Jin and went to meet him, wondering if I had done something wrong again, this was a confusing reality sometimes.

We mounted and rode from the courtyard at canter in silence, but just as we cleared the gates he slowed and signaled for me to do the same. I had no intention of starting a conversation, so I just stared at Jin's ears as Lord Shingen moved in close next to me. I couldn't read his mood at all.

"Lord Yukimura is impressed with your dedication." He started.

I offered nothing.

"Although it seems you have more of a temper than we ..."

"Would expect from a woman." I cut him off.

Lord Shingen let my rudeness go without comment.

"Lord Yukimura simply plays with me, it must feel like a waste of his time, sparring with a butterfly." I spat the words out with venom.

He reined to a halt, but I kept walking on. Again, he let my disrespectful attitude go and rejoined me in a few jog steps. We turned into the training grounds and rode up the short rise. I remembered the two of us standing here before, it seemed forever ago – and that Tamara was gone.

As I kept my focus on the groups below, he leant in closer to speak; I could see preparations were becoming more intense, the men being put under more pressure. I watched with dead eyes a small group tent pegging and targeting using the lance below me.

"The long spear did give us a useful advantage." He said.

"How many men, good men, brave men, met their deaths because of me." Lord Kenshin's words came from my mouth.

There was silence beside me.

"Their blood is on my hands." A damned tear tried to escape, but I gritted my teeth and swallowed it all back down.

Back into the quiet.

"Lady Tamara, I am concerned for you."

The statement caught me off guard, but another voice found my mouth.

"Let me go with you into battle."

Lord Shingen sat up sharply away from me; obviously he wasn't expecting this from me at all.

"No." He finally said in a flat tone.

"Why? And don't you dare say it's because I'm a woman."

"You forget your place Lady Tamara." Shingen growled, a warning in his voice.

"And what exactly IS my place Lord Takeda Shingen?"

He stared ahead whilst his horse shifted under him from his mood.

"I am Takeda, yes?"

"Yes Lady Tamara, you will always be part of the Takeda family"

"Then let me die/fight for my family."

I hastily overlapped the words but he caught my verbal slip and looked at me with pain in his eyes.

"No." He said again, "You are not well."

"And if I prove I am worthy?" I turned to him and saw he was not as angry as he sounded, more bemused.

"I will give you a fair trial with the long spear"

I thought I saw a hint of that look from the last night in his chambers, it was uncomfortable, but I sat firm in the saddle next to him.

"We will speak again." And with that he spun his horse and left.

I knew he had backed me into a corner; I hadn't picked up the lance again.

I wasn't sure I could, all those ghosts.

Now I would be forced to, to prove my worth. Damn the man was perceptive.

Looking back, I know it should have been obvious to myself I was on the verge of some sort of breakdown. But then, wrapped in it – it was more like something I didn't know how to stop.

I had twisted my mind and heart into such numbness I didn't have a clue how close I was to capsizing.

The events of a few days time changed everything.

Just one day.

Just one dreadful day and my world began to fall apart, taking me with it.