"Deos fortioribus adesse." -Tacitus

The gods are on the side of the stronger.

"Eddy?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you..."

"I love you too, Toni." Eddy said as he kissed her forehead, holding her close to his chest.

"I'm glad I met you..."

"Me too..."

Brett watched the scene unfold from afar. It feels as though he was invading their privacy even if they were at Brett's house. Still, Brett forced himself to look away and focus on the journal entries he was reading. Of course, Brett was afraid of showing Eddy, so he was discreet about it.

When Eddy asked him about it, Brett just said it was his grandmother's. It wasn't a lie, the only difference is it is his great great grand uncle. He opens up the last page and read it with intent.

October 29, 1893

The moment I wake up with my beloved in my arms, I cannot help but feel lucky. My love is requited and I cannot ask for anything more. I only wish that men like me could have their love like mine. I want them to love as freely as me.

I wish Pyotr the best. I hope he could go to a place where he could love whoever he might desire. I just want him to love as freely as I do. Then again, I do not love freely. I cannot scream to the world how much I love his beloved and only him.

I want to live in this world where all types of love is accepted. I only know that love knows no reason nor bounds. I only love and I hope everyone else can, too. I want to show that homosexuals loving each other is the same as heterosexuals loving.

There is no difference when you are in love and everyone should understand.

I want everyone to know that my love for him is normal and not a sin. I may love the same body as mine but that does not make a difference. I hold him close to heart and my hands. I do not have to own him in order for my love to be his and his alone.

If I could chose to love freely, the first thing I will do is show the world how proud I am of this love of mine. I love him so much and I could not express it well with words. I could only hold him close and hope the he could hear my heartbeat that is for him.

I am complete without him but he makes me feel full. Nothing could ever be better than just being present in his life, being a constant and always staying by his side. He is much more than I could have ever asked for.

I live for him now and I could only hope that I do not have to be torn apart from him.

The mind could lie but the heart will always speak of the truth. I hold him as if I would not let go and he does the same. To my savior and my Lord, I thank you for this love of mine. I thank you until my last breath.

- - - - -

Brett took a deep breath as he closed his eyes. A surge of emotions rushing through him, a memory unlocked in his mind. He was in a music hall that looked old fashioned. There was a conductor who had his left hand under his chin. It seemed that he was conducting a second movement of a symphony for it sounds too sad.

Brett tried to remember the piece as his current self but nothing comes to mind. He cannot think for himself in this scenario. His past self was gripping his hands as the tears stream down his face. Brett was there but he didn't know why he had no control.

The music continued, going on and on and on. It felt never ending and Brett just felt utterly miserable. Like something bad is going to happen to him soon. His heart was beating fast and he wiped the tears away. Why was this happening?

His past self wanted to reach out to the man beside him but they can't. Not in public, and even Brett had the irrational fear. He was crying and crying and crying, mourning sitting at the top of his lungs. His past self wanted to reach out to the conductor, but he found himself frozen in place. Both captivated and haunted by the music, he stayed still and listened.

"Brett!" He heard a feminine voice scream as he was shaken awake by those warm and soft hands of hers.

Brett opened his eyes and rubbed them. It seemed that even his body was crying too, even if it was just his soul that was mourning. He lifted his head slightly as he looked around. Brett is having one of those migraine like headaches of his again. It happens when he has those types of dream.

"You okay?" Toni asked, handing him a glass of water that Eddy had gotten from the kitchen.

Brett drank the water and nodded.

"Bro, what happened? A nightmare?" Eddy asked, kneeling down next to Toni.

Brett couldn't say anything so he just nodded yes.

"Wanna talk about it?" Toni asked again.

"No... My head hurts, though. Eddy, could you hand me the painkillers?" Brett requested as he pointed to the kitchen.

When Toni and Brett were left alone, Toni asked him again.

"You sure you don't wanna talk about it?"

"No... I'll be fine. Thanks for the concern, though."

"Of course I'll be concerned, you're my great friend too!" Toni exclaimed.

Brett just smiled at her.

No wonder Eddy fell in love with you. You're so kind and caring and beautiful. I wish I was someone like you...

Eddy entered the room with the painkillers. Brett immediately took them and thanked Eddy. He lied back down, trying to nurse his own headache.

July 18, 2012

There are days wherein my head flies to another world where I will finally be chosen by the love of my life. Sadly, it doesn't happen in this lifetime. Most of my dreams about my past life is filled with pain and deep longing for him. It makes sense that I'm the one always chasing after him, even in this life.

He was always so unreachable and untouchable. So fucking untouchable... He's always close to me but I could never be loved by him. It's quite pathetic, isn't it? Pining for your unavailable best friend. Not to mention, he's straight too.

He's been telling me about his dreams. How they're surrounded around this girl named Irene and how she looked exactly like Toni. I had taught him about how some dreams could be related to our past life. I guess it just convinced him more that Toni really is soulmate.

Maybe I should just convince myself that, too. I mean, even my dreams are filled with the sadness that comes with loving Eddy. Maybe I'm really just not his soulmate. I guess I don't mind that much at this point. Eddy's happy and I should be too. I'm just glad he's always happy, even during his past life.

What's unexplainable though is the dreams wherein he seems to look at me with so much love. He seems to hold me close as if I was enough. He seems to be happy with me. Then I realized, maybe those dreams aren't related to my past life... Maybe my mind just created them because I was always pining away.

I think my dreams about being lovelorn and sad is the real thing. They are the ones that make me cry and grieve for my past life. It makes much more sense, too.

As my mum had said, not every soulmates will be together. It's both comforting and scary to think about. It was heartbreaking, too. Knowing that my mum and dad will never accept that I'm in love with Eddy. Not that I don't mind at this point, he's never going to love me like that anyway.

I try to push it away. I try to swallow my pride and be happy for Eddy. I am happy for them. It's just sometimes, I'm too human. I get caught up in anger, in jealousy and in sadness. I find myself wishing.

Wishing that it was me. Wishing that I could be loved by him, too. Wishing that I could be enough. I have a lot of wishes that are similar to that but I try not to succumb to them. It will only hurt me more than I am hurting now.

I wonder what it would be like her. I want to take her place even just for a day and see how he is with loving her. How it might feel like when my affections are returned without judgment. Still, I don't hold in. It's already painful as is.