"To love is to accept a soul entirely, not wishing that the person was otherwise, nor hoping for change, nor clinging to some ideal past. To love is to cherish the individual standing before you presently – charms, quirks, and all. To love is to give someone a piece of your heart that you will never, ever reclaim." – Richelle E. Goodrich.

"Why are you up so early?", I heard a hoarse, sleepy voice in my ear, and warm arms wrap around my waist from behind.

"I couldn't sleep", I turned around to face him, wrapping my arms around his neck, pulling him closer so I could place my lips on his.

I loved, loved, loved, all our intimate moments, but there was something special about these early morning moments when he was still drowsy but had this raw, emotional need for me. And he would reach out to pull me closer to him if I was still in bed, or come looking for me when I wasn't. Me with my bed hair, and morning breath, and with every blemish on full display, was enough for my husband, who had made the last 6 months the happiest ones of my life.

Though, happy is perhaps too shallow a word to use. Ice cream made me happy. A child's laughter made me happy.

My husband made me content. Content with my life, with our relationship, with who I was as a wife and a physician, as a woman. With him in my life, I didn't feel the need for anything else. He completed me in every way imaginable.

"Hmmm...", he nuzzled his face in my hair as he held me tightly in his arms, "Come back to bed, I miss you"

Omar, you are making this decision so freaking hard...

I sighed, knowing full well that even a year ago, I would have had no trouble making the decision that was now looming over my head. But now, how was I was supposed to willingly forego moments like these?

Just then the baby monitor crackled, and the crying sound of a toddler startled both of us.

"Does she have a sixth sense or something?", Omar groaned, letting go of me.

"She is a toddler in a new environment, she probably just needs a bottle and will go back to sleep...", I replied to him, already missing the warmth of his body next to mine.

"Fine...", he grumbled again, "Go pick her up. I'll get the bottle"

I could already here the sweet toddler voice calling out for me when I entered the room, 'M-kala, M-kala..."

"Madi Khala is here...Ayah, don't you worry baby. Omar khaloo is bringing your milk", I told Noor's daughter as the little one extended her arms up to me, asking me to get her out of her portable playpen.

Noor had told me not to let her get out of there till it was time for her to actually wake up, but I just didn't have it in me to ignore those puppy eyes, so I picked her up and bought her to our bed.

"Your Mama and Baba can sleep train you on their own time...right now I get to enjoy you", I whispered to the adorable toddler who was already closing her eyes as she snuggled against my chest.

A minute later Omar walked in with a milk bottle, and pretended to look shocked and offended, "Wait...she gets my wife and my bed? Why is Salman's kid can such a kabab mein haddi? Just like her father..."

"Shhh....she is almost asleep", I raised a finger to my mouth, gesturing to Omar to be quiet.

This was only Ayah's second night with us, but taking care of her hadn't been as tough as I thought it might be. After COVID vaccinations were made accessible to healthcare workers, Omar and I were finally able to convince Noor and Salman to leave Ayah with us and take a much needed weekend off.

I looked down at the chubby little human in my arms, whose eyes were tightly closed now, and couldn't help but fall in love with her innocence. Holding her in my arms and taking in her baby scent over the last 2 days had awoken something inside me. A maternal desire, which I always knew I had. I was never going to be one of those women who were hyper focused on their careers, and never wanted children. I grew up in a full house, and I always imagined myself to have one of my own too.

Though, for some reason Omar kept avoiding that topic. I always thought it was because of how busy we had become lately, and it wasn't like I was in a rush either. I really did want to enjoy my time with just the two of us before we complicated our lives with diapers, and midnight feedings. But having Ayah stay with us, had reminded me of the one thing that could make my life even better than it already was.

A few minutes later I placed the sleeping toddler back in her playpen and stepped out of our bedroom.

The smell of fresh coffee energized my senses instantly, as did the sight of my shirtless husband standing next to the living room window taking in the gorgeous sunrise over Lake Michigan, his well defined muscles on full display.

"Put a shirt on...", I told him playfully, wrapping my arms around his waist, "You are too good-looking to be standing here half naked"

"Oh yeah?", he stepped back from the window pulling me with him, and bit his lower lip seductively, "How good-looking am I?"

I knew what he was trying to do; make me say things that would then lead to us doing things, because I had zero self-control once he turned his charm on.

"I am not going to fall for your tricks...besides we have a toddler in the house", I tried to resist him, as he lowered the strap of my tank top and bent down to kiss my bare shoulder.

"As if her parents are not having 'fun' right now", he pulled me into his lap.

I hoped they were. They were too good for each other to not have their marriage work. But right then my husband's sultry kisses on my hot skin were taking me places where I was only concerned about not moaning loud enough to wake up the sleeping toddler we were babysitting.

"Ok...ok...that wasn't a challenge", I said, pushing Omar back, already breathless from the feelings he had invoked in me.

He laughed, "Admit it...you can't resist me"

"You know, I can't...", I sighed, leaning my head against his chest as I settled in his lap and he tightened his arms around me.

And that is why I refuse to leave him. There is no way I can live without him...

As usual, Omar read my mind, or my eyes as he always said, and gently kissed the top of my head, "Talk to me, Madi. What are you thinking?"

My decision was made, and surrounded by his affection it wasn't a difficult one.

"I am going to decline the fellowship offer from St Louis. I am not leaving you...I can't", I told him and closed my eyes.

He pressed his cheek against my head and stayed there for a few moments, before softly saying, "Madi, I don't want you to go either. But I think you should..."

I sat up, surprised. That is not what I thought he would say, "You do? Why?"

"Let me ask you this. If you were not married to me...would you have accepted that position?"

He already knew what my answer to his question would be, he wouldn't have said what he said otherwise. Over the last few months, inspired by Omar's research with COVID and my own experiences in the pandemic, I had decided to pursue a fellowship in Infectious Diseases. The University in St Louis was one of the best places in the country for that subspeciality training. And they had offered me a position starting in Summer 2021. But Omar would only be in his third year of residency then, and would have to stay in Chicago for at least another year.

If I wasn't married to him, I would have accepted that position in a heartbeat. But I was married to him, and I was madly in love with him, and needed him in ways I had never even realized I would need another human. Leaving him seemed unfathomable to me.

"Madi...", he spoke up again, his palm gently resting on my cheek, "I promised you that I would never let anyone dim your light, or hold you back in anyway. So I cannot be the reason that you achieve less than what you are destined to achieve"

"I can't...", I tried to tell him how living without him seemed impossible, but he interrupted me to finish what he wanted to say.

"I know that it seems difficult, I hate even thinking about not waking up next to you every morning. But you know as well as I do, that this fellowship will open up doors for you, that our current institution will not. And if there is one time in our lives that living a 5 hours drive away from each other will work out, it will be now"

I sighed, and put my head back on his chest. That was my safe space. Listening to his steady heartbeat and and feeling his chest rise and fall with every breath, was what always brought me peace.

Without it, I wasn't sure I knew how to thrive anymore.

"Five hours isn't that long a drive, Madi. I'll come visit you every weekend and you come visit me when you can. We'll make it work...I promise", he whispered.

I knew we could make it work, if we wanted to. Plenty of other people like us had. Plus, Omar had wanted to do an ICU fellowship after residency and given his research experience and the excellent reputation he had gained in clinical work, I was sure he too would get an offer from the same institution.

But that didn't solve my problem of missing him, and not being able to see him everyday or feel his warmth in bed at night. Weekends would never be enough, especially since we would both have to do some weekend calls as well.

And then there was another issue, we hadn't even discussed.

Madi, you have to tell him how you feel

"I want to have your babies", I whispered, without looking up at him. I just didn't have it in me to see his expression, if he told me that he wasn't ready to be a father.

But he tightened his arms around me and his voice took on that deep, thoughtful tone that always indicated how sincere he was with his words.

"Madi, I want nothing more than to have little people with big personalities like their mother, running around here creating a ruckus. But let's face it, even if you stayed with me in Chicago, having kids in the middle of a pandemic isn't ideal"

I thought about the toddler sleeping in our bedroom, and couldn't help think that perhaps Omar was right. With all the uncertainty about where this pandemic was headed after the vaccinations were rolled out, maybe waiting for now would be more prudent.

Even if my biological clock was ticking...

"At the end of the day though, it's your career and your body", my husband continued, "If you want to stay in Chicago, and try to get pregnant, I will support you"

This, this is why I will always be willing to give my husband my present and my future. Because at the end of the day, marriage is nothing but a two way street. And he had never, ever hesitated to come down his end of the street.

Neither will I...

Omar

I knew why she couldn't sleep that night, or for the several nights before then. In all honesty, I couldn't either. Part of me tried to convince myself that she would be better off in Chicago. And the other part wanted to take in her soft body lying next to mine, memorizing the way she covered her body with a duvet no matter what temperature it was, the way she lay on her side and pulled her legs up to her stomach and then tucked her hands under her beautiful face, even the way she gently touched my face and said 'I love you' before finally dozing off.

Because I knew that deep down inside she wanted to go. She needed to go, to fulfill her dreams. And she deserved to go after working so hard for everything.

As much as it was terrifying me, I knew too, that I had to let her go. We didn't have children yet, and even though her parents were elderly, they were still quite independant and did not need her on a day-to-day basis. The only thing keeping her here was me.

It wasn't like I was completely selfless, at least initially. When she first told me, I was upset, even though I didn't tell her about it. I had hoped that she would just have just declined the offer, I even blamed her for applying outside of the Chicago area to begin with. But then, I started needing to stay back after my regular hours to work in the lab. And every day I did that, she would get dinner and come to the lab to keep me company. Even if some days she ended up dozing off at one of the workstations.

Without complaining, without me asking her to do so, she supported me in work that I was passionate about. So how could I not support her?

I looked down at my gorgeous wife, curled up in my lap, her arm lazily wrapped around my bare abdomen, her head resting on my chest. And I took a mental picture of that moment, committing it to the memories I would indulge in when she wasn't with me.

"Madi, no matter where you are on the face of this earth, I will always love you...", I whispered to her, only to realize that she had fallen asleep.

I couldn't help but smile then, as the morning sunshine streamed in through the windows. I had everything I needed right there in my arms. My wife, my best friend, my support system, the mother of my future children...my entire life.

And I could not thank God enough for making her mine...no matter how far or near she was from me at any given moment in time, she would always be mine.

After all,

'Distance between two people is inconsequential when their souls are united' - Matshona Dhliwayo

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A happy marriage is about three things: memories of togetherness, forgiveness of mistakes and a promise to never give up on each other - Surabhi Surendra