End of June 2020

Madiha

I had no idea what had gotten into me. Everything upto that point had been perfect.

Omar had been perfect. His touch, his gaze, his scent, his warmth, everything was just as I had imagined it to be. In fact, it had been better than I had ever imagined it to be.

Yet, in a moment of stupid, stupid jealousy I had run away from all of that.

I was still silently cursing myself, debating on whether I should go back up and apologize, or just pretend that nothing ever happened, when I heard a knock on the window of my car that was still parked outside Omar's, no...my apartment building.

"May I come sit with you?", Noor said when I opened the door for her.

And then there was my lovely friend...what must she think of me?

"Of course, Noor...", I told her as she slid in and we both sat quietly for a moment.

"Omar wanted to come, but I thought it best that you and I talk first", she paused to look at me, "Madi, what happened back there?"

I was jealous of you...

"There is nothing to talk about. I just have to get over this stupid instinct I have to run away from him every time I think that I am not good enough for him", I leaned my forehead on the steering wheel, wishing that I could rewind time.

I could feel Noor's confused gaze on me, even though I wasn't looking at her.

"Madi, the guy is crazy about you...the two of you are perfect for each other, he moved heaven and earth to get married to you. Why in the world would you think that you were not good enough for him?"

She wouldn't get it. She got him so easily yet tossed him aside, like he meant nothing. I may finally have him, but only after tolerating humiliation at the hands of his parents, and going through struggles only I knew of.

But Noor was my friend, and even though we hadn't been in touch recently, much like Omar she was unrelenting when it came to making me open up to her. So I wasn't surprised when she asked me again, "Madi...I know you well enough to know that something is bothering you. You can tell me, I will never judge you..."

That is what he always says to me...I will never judge you

I had to let out a small laugh at that, "Omar and you are so alike, sometimes it makes me wonder..."

I stopped myself, though, before I finished that sentence. That chapter of our lives was closed, there was no point in opening it up again. He was my husband, and she was Salman's wife. And those were undeniable, unchangeable facts.

But Noor was a smart woman, and it didn't take her long to understand that despite our friendship I had carried a deep, dark secret within me. Afraid to show her, lest she thought lesser of me, or put an end to our relationship.

She was staring at me with a shocked expression on her face, when I mumbled, "Noor, I am so sorry...just ignore me"

That only made her shake her head emphatically, "No Madi...ignoring issues never solves anything. I've learnt that the hard way. So please just tell me what is on your mind"

Maybe this is what I need to do to move on...to finally tame my instincts

So I took a deep breath and told her, about my past insecurities about her and Omar, and how I had worried if he was truly into me or just someone who he was using to get over her. And she listened, as the amazing person she was, without making me feel like the stupid fool I considered myself to be at that time.

"And I guess that necklace was just another reminder of how easily his family had accepted you as their future daughter-in-law, and I just panicked thinking that at some level they may always compare me to you...even if Omar didn't. You were the perfect daughter-in-law who got away from them"

I had expected Noor to be her usual understanding, open-minded self. What I hadn't expected was for her to pull me in for a tight hug, one that only occurs between two friends who understood each other and trusted each other with their innermost fears. And when she spoke, her words were sincere and full of empathy and made me so thankful for having her in my life.

"Madi, there will never be a comparison between me and you. My engagement to him was nothing but a small blip in his life, unlike your place in his life. I've seen the way he looks at you and heard the way he talks about you...and I can tell you with absolute certainty that he never felt the same way about me. He's loved you for a long time...it was so obvious to both Salman and I even when you guys were together in the ICU. You are his whole life, and his future, and his parents must see that. And even if they don't, he does"

Wait...he loved me when we were together in the ICU?

She took a breath, but didn't wait for me to answer, "Madi...you are Omar's wife, you hold a position in his family that no one else ever will. So act like it. Act like you are meant to be there, because as far as God is concerned, you were always meant to be his wife, not me...or anyone else. And if you don't want the necklace, talk to your mother-in-law. But just know that I never even knew about it, or ever saw it. Aunty was right. It was meant for his wife...and that is you"

I loved how animated Noor could get when she was trying to get a point across, and I was still trying to wrap my head around her words, when she told me something that I had never realized.

"You know, despite what he thinks he felt for me back then, he never once tried to convince me to not break off the engagement. When I told him I couldn't get married to him, he was upset but he simply walked away. Subconsciously, or not, he knew that we were not worth fighting for", Noor smiled at me, "But Madi, with you...he was willing to give up everything he had...even his family. That should tell you how much you mean to him"

It did, I always knew how much I meant to him, even if part of me was scared to believe it. But I realized then that while I may have fought the world for him, I was yet to fight my internal battle against my own self-doubts and skepticism...and wholly accept him for who he was.

My husband who loved me and accepted me unconditionally. Who probably hadn't even realized why I had reacted the way I did, because what happened two years ago meant nothing to him...like it shouldn't to me.

I couldn't help but gush over what an incredible friend Noor had been, and then we rushed out of the parking lot, knowing full well that we were so late, there was no way to escape the wrath of my parents now.

On the way, I broached another subject that I knew Noor might not be comfortable discussing, but I felt that I had to at least let her know that she could lean on me if she wanted to.

"Are you and Salman doing ok?", I asked.

For a second it seemed like she was going to give me the generic 'we are fine' answer she had before, but she probably realised that I wasn't about to give up on her that easily either.

"Not really", she sighed, "I mean we love each other, completely. In some ways even more that when we first got married. But being in love doesn't feed your baby, or change her diapers in the middle of the night, or lie awake with her when she is colicky. No...all of that a parent has to do. A parent that is actually present. But with COVID, and Salman's insatiable need to help people, he has been volunteering for all sorts of pandemic related activities. Even when he is home he is too exhausted to do anything but sleep...so I have basically been single parenting, while he is out saving the world"

"Oh Noor...that's not fair on you", I had to sympathize with her, "Omar told me that Salman had been covering some of the shifts at the COVID field hospital"

"I know!", she exclaimed, "And then when he comes home he refuses to take his mask off, and sleeps in a separate room because he doesn't want to infect us. It is driving me insane. The only reason he is participating in your wedding is because it's all outside"

I let her complain about her husband all she wanted, while I tried to drive as fast as I could without getting caught for speeding. It was obvious to me though, that she loved him dearly. Because even as she complained about him, she made sure to point out all his good qualities, as if she was trying to protect his reputation. As an outsider, it was the cutest non-critical criticism about a spouse I had ever heard.

But she did say one thing that caught me by surprise, and which made me pray silently for their family, "Madi, parental burnout is real. I love Ayah, and Salman for that matter. And I would give my life for them in a heartbeat. But honestly, I don't know how long I can survive on 5 hours of interrupted sleep at night, while doing a full time job, without completely falling apart. Something has to change..."

I would have told her that she really needed to talk to Salman about how she was feeling, but just then Maliha called my phone.

"Madi...where are you? Guests have already started to arrive...and Mama, Papa are almost ready to kill you", she scolded me as soon as I picked up.

"I am on the way...I am so sorry, I got stuck at work...", I tried to make an excuse, without wanting to go into more details.

"As if I don't know why you are late...Madi, I got married once too, remember?", she laughed.

Between her laughing and cracking embarrassing jokes, she let me know of the change in plans. She had played the first responder/essential workers card, and convinced the manager of the botanical gardens to let us use her office so I could change and get ready for the event without having to go to my parents' house.

Smart sister...putting my degree to good use!

When we did reach I quickly changed from my work clothes into my Reception dress, a beautiful grey and pink lehnga, with a net dupatta. It wasn't anything heavy, but to me it had seemed perfect for the occasion. I didn't have time to make my hair properly so Maliha and Noor styled it into a bun and then strategically pinned up my dupatta so in the end I actually looked pretty decent.

"Madi...", Noor whispered in my ear when Maliha wasn't looking, "I have the jewellery Aunty sent. Do you want to wear it with this jora? It really would look stunning"

I only had to think about the answer for a second, because I instantly knew how happy it would make my husband if I wore that jewellery, a signal that his past didn't matter to me, because I trusted him with my future. And when Noor did help me wear it, even I had to admit, that exquisite piece looked like it was literally made for me.

"Madi, you look gorgeous...", Maliha smiled at me proudly when I was ready, "Omar bhai is one hell of a lucky guy"

I am one hell of a lucky girl too, and my brain had better accept that fact now!

Finally, almost forty-five minutes later than planned, but not too bad according to desi standard time, I was ready to walk out to the Reception area that had been beautifully decorated with string lights and flower arrangements, in the midst of ancient trees.

Omar and I were going to enter the event space together, but when I came out to the covered patio just outside the building to meet him, I stopped dead in my tracks, making Maliha bump into me.

"Madiii...I almost tripped", my sister called out, sounding annoyed.

Though, when she realized why I had stopped suddenly, she quietly whispered, "I'll give you two some privacy" and walked away giggling as I stood there in awe of my husband.

He was leaning against a pillar, wearing a perfectly fitted dark grey sherwani, and traditional white pants. His hair was brushed back neatly for once, and he had trimmed the light beard that he had grown on his trip to Pakistan. But it was his eyes that had made me suddenly halt in the middle of the patio, and had put me under the spell of his unwavering, heated gaze.

And then it was his deep, low voice, which recited a poem in Urdu, as he took slow, deliberate steps towards me.

"Ishq ne, 'Ghalib', nikamma kar diya, warna hum bhi aadmi kaam ke the"

(Love has made Ghalib useless, even though we were once a useful man)

It sounded beautiful but I wasn't sure what it meant. I understood Urdu but my grasp of Urdu literature was rudimentary at best.

"I don't know what that means...", I told him, my voice too turning raspy.

He was only inches away from me, close enough for me to take in his masculine scent, which transported me back to his apartment for a moment. The moment when I felt his hard chest and abs, straining with restraint as he tried to limit our physical contact to just his lips devouring mine.

"It means that loving you makes me lose my senses, sometimes I can barely string a sentence together in your presence...because your beauty overwhelms my heart and mind"

He bent his head down, his lips hovering dangerously close to the skin on my neck where I could still feel his touch from just a couple of hours ago, and softly said, "You are the most beautiful woman in the world"

I didn't need poetry to understand what he meant. Because his words and his presence had a tendency to overwhelm me too. Like they were right then, when he setting my entire body on fire, and I couldn't even look away from him or tell him that I thought he was the handsomest man I had ever seen. And that I was so freaking attracted to him, I wanted to ditch everyone and go home with him, straight into his arms.

But when he pulled away from me, I saw his eyes turn darker as a sadness came over them, and he whispered "Madi, is my love not enough for you?"

What?

"Of course it is, Omar. What are you talking about?"

"Then why do you keep doing this? Why do you keep running away from me, instead of talking to me?"

The hurt in his eyes was so obvious, it just tore me up inside, especially, when he added, "I didn't even realize the connection that jewellery had to what happened two years ago. Because that part of my life means nothing to me now. All I have wanted for the past so many months is you"

"I am so sorry, Omar. I have no excuse for the way I behaved, except that sometimes I am my own worst enemy. It has nothing to do with you", I tried to give him a reassuring smile, "You are perfect, and I really am thankful for this jewellery that Aunty had made for your wife"

And that did lighten his gloomy eyes a bit, and he returned a small smile, "The necklace looks amazing on you, but promise me something..."

"Anything...", I would have seriously agreed to anything he would have said to me then.

He reached out to tenderly hold my chin, while caressing my cheek with his thumb, making sure that I did not avert my gaze from him, "If you ever have doubts about us again. Look at me Madi, think of me. And how much I love you. Everything, and everyone else is background noise. The only two people that matter in our relationship, are you and I, and I will do anything to keep you happy in this marriage"

I was so overcome by emotions, I could barely muster the whispered words, "I promise..."

Because Omar was right. In our love story, there were only two actors, him and I, and everyone else was an extra. People to be respected but not revered at the expense of each other.

Bending down again he lightly kissed me on my cheek, his lips lingering there for a while making my heart race, before he said, "Bohat ziyada pyaar karta houn mein tum se, Madi"

(I love you a lot, Madi)

He started to translate that to English, when I surprised him with a quick peck on his cheek as well, and replied, "Mein bhi bohat ziyada pyaar karti houn tum se, Omar"

(I too love you a lot, Omar)

It's not like I didn't know Urdu at all!

I was probably blushing an insanely dark shade of pink then, but I didn't care because my husband was grinning at a me like a kid who had found his favourite toy. And he was still grinning when he slipped his hand into mine and said, "Dr Madiha Omar, shall we finally take part in our own wedding reception?"

"Absolutely, Dr Omar Khan", I grinned back at him and squeezed his hand tightly.

And then hand-in-hand we walked off the patio, through a short cobblestone pathway lined by flower beds, and onto the open space under the starlit sky where our family and friends had gathered to celebrate our union despite the subdued environment we all lived in these days. Soon after our arrival Maliha, Hasan, Noor and Salman handed out the individual boxed dinners we had ordered, and Moin and Sehr distributed the drinks.

We walked around greeting everyone from a safe distance and with our masks on, especially since some older family members were also in attendance, including my parents and both Maliha and Sehr's in-laws. The gentle summer breeze kept the temperatures cool enough that I didn't feel hot at all in my wedding clothes, that is, till my husband would catch me staring at him across the garden and give me one of his irresistibly, charming smiles. That's when I experienced a sudden hot flash, but the weather was not to be blamed for that!

I wished I could have chatted with Noor a bit more after our earlier conversation in the car, but she along with Maliha kept darting from one place to another being the perfect hosts/bridesmaids. However, and maybe more importantly, I did catch up with Salman.

"Could I have a word with you Salman?", I asked him when I caught him sitting alone at a table scrolling through his phone.

"Uh...oh, why do I feel like I am in trouble?", he laughed.

I wasn't there to lecture him or even interfere in his and Noor's married life. I merely wanted to remind him that even superheros took a break from saving the world when they had a baby at home and a wife who was barely able to keep up.

"I am just concerned about my friend. She looks so tired to me all the time, Salman. How is she managing with work and COVID restrictions with childcare etc.? And you not being there..."

That last part seemed to have relayed what I was trying to say to him, because his smile suddenly disappeared and he sighed, "Madi, I...uh...I know I need to talk to her"

He scanned the garden till he found his wife, who wasn't looking at him at that moment, but I could see the adoration fill his eyes as they settled on her, "I love her so much...but I am so afraid of hurting her again"

Hurting her again? How did he hurt her?