Early June 2020

Madiha

Thank God for the masks.

That is all I am going to say about what it feels like to be in love with a man who loves you back just as much. Whose every touch, every word in that low, deep voice, sends shivers down your spine. Who looks at you like you're the only person in the world for him, and makes you feel like no obstacle is too high or adversity too formidable, as long as you have each other.

It is an incredibly freeing and unearthly, almost heavenly, feeling. And it makes you want to soar without limits, because you know that he will always be your safety net. Though, admittedly that may lead you to do somethings that you regret later, like yell at a cop.

But most of all it makes you randomly think of him, relaxing the muscles of your cheeks and widening the veins, increasing the blood flow, all resulting in uncontrollable blushing...in the middle of rounds, while putting in patients' order, when talking to an attending or another colleague.

So like I said...thank God for the masks

It was almost noon and Kylie had paged saying that they were planning to discharge Omar as soon as his next dose of the IV pain medication finished. Luckily, my attending had agreed to cover my pager while I took a quick break to drop off Omar at his apartment. It was the least I could do to make up for my complete lack of observation skills last night when I didn't even realize that he was hurt.

With the last of patient orders in I handed my pager to my attending, who said, "I hope your fiancée feels better soon"

He wasn't my fiancée, but at least that was better than people calling him my boyfriend, so I let it slide and was thankful that the mask hid my burning cheeks.

Five minutes later, I got off the elevator near the parking garage and saw him standing in the corner talking on his phone. Looking at his posture it was obvious that his back was still bothering him. But he seemed to be comfortable enough to pace around while talking on the phone, in a fairly animated way, with a frown on his face.

I wonder who he is talking with

"No...no Sehr, I am not going back home. I have had enough of them, and their attitude. Besides I have to meet Madi's parents soon, and I am not messing that up. After everything Ami and Abu have put me and her through, I don't owe them anything"

Going back home? Meeting my parents? What is he talking about?

He finally noticed me standing there, and told his sister, "I have to go...there are doctors in Pakistan too. He doesn't need me"

Then the expression in his eyes seemed to soften a bit as he listened to her on the phone, "I know you are pregnant and can't go. But Ami is not alone, we have our entire family there..."

He listened silently again, before saying, "Why is no one visiting? Because of COVID?"

By now I had a pretty good idea of what was going on. Omar's father was sick and/or needed help of some sort and his mom was alone, he did not want to go back to Pakistan, and his sister was trying to convince him otherwise. But how did my parents come into the picture?

Does he know something I don't?

Finally, he hung up the phone, "Sorry Madi...I swear, nothing in our lives is straightforward, ever"

"Calm down, and tell me what happened"

Apparently I had missed a lot while I was on rounds, which reminded me that I needed to get another phone asap. He told me about his father and how sick he was, though thankfully not on the ventilator yet. And that apparently my family wanted to meet him!

But my excitement at that latter news was dampened by the former. I wasn't too sure that I entirely agreed with Omar on not going to Pakistan to be with his family, and tried to tell him that in the car as I drove him to his apartment. But he wasn't having any of it.

"Madi...stop. My mind is made up. You are the most important person in my life, and I promised your dad that I would cut off all ties with my family because of the way they treated you and your family. And I am not going back on that promise..."

He looked at me again, and reached out to brush my hair off my shoulder making me blush again, sans a mask this time.

"I need you", Omar continued to speak slowly, in that deep, sincere voice of his that always made my heart flutter, "More than I have ever needed anyone else. Even more than my own family. I can't jeopardize your father going back on his words because I ran back to my parents the minute they called for me. That would not be fair on you or your family"

"And my dad was ok with you cutting ties off with your family?", I asked him, surprised at that given how much importance my dad always laid on maintaining family ties no matter what.

"He was worried about how you would be treated if we ever had to go back to Pakistan, and when I told him I would just never bother going back, he was not convinced I could do that...and if I go now, I would just be proving his point", Omar replied to me as he stared out the window.

I could see my dad's point, and to be honest could never really forget or even forgive what his family said about me and my parents. But sometimes we, the adult children, have to show our parents how to be the bigger person. And there is no better time to do that when they reach out to us for help.

"Omar, listen...I know your parents hurt you. And I know how difficult these last few months have been for both of us. But if you don't go now, and God forbid something happens to your father, you will never be able to forgive yourself"

Or me.

I didn't want to make this about myself, he should go back to his parents, because he wanted to. But part of me was afraid that if he didn't go because of me, there may come a time that he would resent me for it.

He stayed quiet, with a pensive look on his face, so I went on, "If your father is not on the ventilator yet, you still have time. You know, as well as anyone else...once a patient is put on the ventilator, especially at his age and with him having high blood pressure and diabetes, his chances of coming off the ventilator are that much slimmer"

We had stopped at a red light, and I reached out to touch his shoulder so he would look at me.

"Omar, you may only have a small window here. Don't lose it..."

Then I remembered what he said to his sister, "Besides, think of your sister. The stress of knowing that her parents are alone, and her brother refuses to go help, cannot be good for her pregnancy"

He just sighed and looked down in his lap, and I wished I was good at reading minds. But while he was lost in his own thoughts, I had started to think about Plan B myself. And I had a thought, that Omar was not going to like, but was the best back-up plan I could come up.

"We could also uses Faraz's telemedicine service, the physicians that are part of his group that includes desi ICU doctors now have a lot of experience working with their counterparts in South Asian countries. I could talk to him about it..."

"Absolutely not!", Omar immediately swung his face towards me, and grabbed my arm, as if Faraz was going to come and drag me away or something.

"Madi...no way! You are not talking to him, you are not going near him or even looking at him, and taking his name...he doesn't exist as far as you are concerned...got it!"

He looked so adorable when he was jealous. I had to actively suppress my laughter, because I knew how dead serious he was. So, I just nodded and he let go of my arm.

"Ok...then go to Pakistan. Its not that easy managing sick patients simply on the phone"

I seemed to be making some success in convincing him, because a minute later he asked, "Even if I wanted to go, how would I get the time off? You guys denied my request for leave the last time"

"I would have to talk to Dr Kumar, but we have made an exception to our no-leave policy for other residents when immediate family members have fallen sick, especially with COVID. I can't imagine him not granting you the same exception. If he doesn't, he is opening himself up for a discrimination lawsuit...and no residency program director wants that"

The international travel would make it a bit tricky, but as far as I remembered he wasn't in the ER, ICU or regular COVID unit for the next 2 weeks. Those rotations were the hardest to move around. If he could come back before the end of those 2 weeks I would not have trouble switching his rotations with others.

Thanks to CDC and our government which had its head in the sand, there were no quarantine rules for international travellers. So as long as he didn't have any symptoms, and I hoped this experimental vaccine would give him some protection, he would be able to get right back to work.

"Wow...you are a true American aren't you, litigious to the core", Omar laughed.

He was right, threatening lawsuits was a very American thing to do, but I was just trying to be equitable. Immigrant physicians worked as hard as anyone of us, and often without any family support. It was unfair of residency programs to then treat them differently, and as chief resident I wasn't going to ever stand for it.

By now we had reached the front of his building and I asked for his phone when I pulled up and parked. A quick search on Google Flight got me the answer I was looking for.

"It is Wednesday today, the next flight to Pakistan goes out on Friday. Finish your ER shift on Friday morning and catch the flight that evening"

I thought it was a perfect plan, but Omar shook his head, "No...Madi, your dad wanted to meet this weekend. And I am not going to miss that"

"You can meet my parents tomorrow...it's the pandemic, it's not like he would have planned an elaborate lunch anyway. I'll ask them to host you for chai tomorrow"

He sighed and shook his head, "Fine...the only reason I'll go is because knowing my sister she may try to go herself if I don't, and I could never live with that"

Then he turned to me, "Madi...I am so sorry about everything. I wish things weren't so complicated for us all the time"

I thought then about what was going through my mind earlier in the day. Love is such a powerful emotion, that it makes you do the unthinkable sometimes. Like take complicated relationships in stride, and leap over obstacles and overcome challenges in a heartbeat, all because the reward is being able to spend your life with the man you cannot live without.

I said all that to Omar with less flowery words, but he understood what I was saying.

"Your love makes me feel invincible sometimes too...", he told me, his voice dropping several decibels again, making my skin tingle and my face blush.

He laughed as he got out of the car, "Have I told you how pretty you look when you blush?"

That of course opened up those facial veins even more, so I reached out for my mask and quickly put it on.

"Good bye, Omar. Go home now", I pretended to roll my eyes at him, instead we just ended up laughing.

He was still standing outside the door to his building shaking his head with a big smile on his face, when I saw him in my rearview mirror as I drove away. I was glad to see that he was standing a lot straighter like he normally did, which meant that his pain seemed to be subsiding. We hadn't even talked about another complicating factor for his travel, sitting in a seat for almost 20+ hours with an injured back.

Thankfully my parents agreed to the impromptu chai the next day. And when Omar and I met outside their house I made sure to tell him to upgrade his seats to business class so he could lie straight at the very least.

He gave me an amused smile, "Should we just get married today? You're already acting like my wife..."

"Oh very funny...I am just being nice. Don't expect the same after we actually get married", I replied, giving him my cockiest grin.

Our friendly banter was interrupted by mom and dad, who came out of the house to meet us, followed by my brother Moin, and soon after we were joined by Maliha who had been dropped off by her husband, Hasan.

There were no hugs or pats on the head by our father, a reminder of the times we lived in. But there was easy conversation and good food; samosas, pakoras, jalebis, sandwiches and a delicious chocolate mousse cake that Maliha had bought. Plus, there was my mom's piping hot chai and separately, homebrewed coffee for Omar and Moin, who seemed to have deviated from the chai habit that the rest of our family had.

Omar seemed to fit right into my family and any nervousness I had about our meeting today completely dissipated after he and my father started discussing the specifics of the latest Ferrari to hit the market. My mom, on the other hand, kept putting more food in his plate, and he kept eating it politely even though I could tell he was really struggling to finish it after the fourth sandwich.

"You two make such an adorable couple, MashaAllah", Maliha whispered to me.

"Thanks!", I gave her a relieved smile, "Thank God Papa and Mama seem to like him"

Since everyone else seemed to be deep in conversation, I decided to broach a subject with Maliha that I had been anxious about, "Maliha, I noticed Hasan didn't come. Is everything ok with you and him...since Papa officially told your in-laws that I was not interested in Faraz's proposal"

She looked down at the food in her plate, and a few seconds later replied, "Madi, it will be ok. Just focus on yourself for now"

Oh no...this is exactly what I was afraid of

"Maliha what does that mean?", I whispered to her, "Faraz promised me that no one will say anything to you even if I say no to his proposal"

She put her hand on mine and looked at me, "Madi...it's ok. Don't worry about me. I told everyone that it was a bad idea to send Faraz bhai's proposal in the first place, so even if their egos are hurt, they only have themselves to blame"

"Who is they? Is Hasan upset at you because of me?", I probed her further. I couldn't bear it something were to happen to my little sister because of me.

"Madi...leave it. I have to believe that what Hasan and I have is strong enough to overcome family drama. My mother- and father-in-law were actually fine. Faraz bhai is not, and because of that Hasan is not. But we will be fine...Madi, don't worry about me"

Just then Mama interrupted us and wanted to make sure that I took the food she had cooked for me when I went home today. There was no need to tell my mom about Maliha's issues, and it certainly wasn't my place to tell her anyway. So, I kept quiet but told Maliha that I would be calling her soon to discuss this further. If I had to talk to Faraz to remind him of his promise, I would do just that. Even if Omar would not be happy about it.

There is no way I am letting my sister suffer because of stupid male ego

Almost two hours later, and after plenty of laughter and good chit-chat, Omar and I were ready to leave. We both had to be in the hospital at 8 am sharp and it was a 30 minutes drive back home for me, and a further 15 minutes for Omar.

Hasan had already come to pick up Maliha, and I had insisted on walking her to the car, and telling him in my don't-mess-with-my-sister voice that I hoped he was taking good care of her. Maliha glared at me, but Hasan smiled meekly and nodded.

"Sorry Maliha, I had to get some work done today. So, could not make it to chai", he told me.

"Well, Omar and I are not going anywhere, so hope to see you next time we get together", I told him.

"Yes...InshaAllah", he said nodding again.

I let him go then, glad that my big sister mojo was still intact.

Back in my parents' front yard my brother and Omar were putting away the garden furniture while my parents almost simultaneously said to me, "Acha bacha hai (He is a good kid)", and that made all three of us laugh.

When Omar came to stand next to me, my dad told him, "Safe travels beta...and I hope that your father gets better soon"

Omar, though, looked uncomfortable, and in a hesitant voice replied, "Uncle I am sorry that I have to go...I know I told you that I would not keep any ties with my parents after they..."

But my father interrupted him, "Omar...zindagi ka kuch nahi pata hota hai, yeh pandemic hi ko dekh lo (you never know about life, just look at this pandemic). That's why sometimes it's best to learn from our past and then let it go, and instead focus on our future"

My mom too smiled at Omar and he nodded at both my parents. I was just thankful that my parents had decided to not make this into a big deal. But then suddenly his face flushed and he looked at me and then my parents.

"Uncle, aunty...I...uh...don't really know how to ask you this, but I might as well", he paused to look at me again, "I would really like to set a wedding date, with your blessing. I feel like we have spent enough time apart, and uh...I would love to make Madiha my wife as soon as possible"

Make Madiha my wife?

Obviously, an actual wedding was the next step, but I had been so focused on getting us to this point, where my parents accepted us as a couple, I hadn't even thought about the next step. But now that he had said it out loud, I could feel that familiar feeling of warmth rising throughout my body.

I wanted to make him my husband too...and sooner the better

My mom and dad were probably as surprised as I was, judging from the way they stood there looking at each other. And I had a flashback to the time that Maliha and I hid in our kitchen trying to overhear the conversation between Hasan's parents and ours about her rishta and the wedding date etc. That was the way weddings were planned in our culture, not while standing awkwardly in the middle of the front yard.

But then again, these were unprecedented times, which called for rule-bending and out-of-the-box thinking. And by all standards Omar and my story was not a conventional one. So it was only fitting that we would be standing here trying to discuss the next step in our relationship, with my parents, as both of us looked like ripe tomatoes.

Finally, my mom spoke up, "Agar aap dono ke minds bun gaye huwai hein shaadi ke baare mein , tou best yehi hai ke jaldi se shaadi bhi kar laini chahiye hai (If both of your minds are made up already about getting married, then it's best to actually get married soon too)"

And my dad, the most practical member of our family, added, "I agree, let's look at our calendar and pick the next weekend that works. It will have to be very small affair out in the open anyway, so no point in delaying it or doing complicated arrangements"

I could sense Omar's muscles relax instantly and his breathing calm down. He looked at me and smiled, his handsome face awash with relief. As both my parents smiled at us, for me it all felt so surreal. That moment of peace that I had been looking for since my ICU rotation with the intern who had an uncanny ability to look through me, had finally arrived.

And I was going to be his wife...on the next available weekend!!