'I will never stop loving you. If you need time, take it. I am not going anywhere'

I lay in bed looking at that message from more than 2 weeks ago, just as I had done every morning since the day I had gone to his lab. I had no intention of talking about our marriage when I had entered that lab. All I wanted to do was to share a meal with someone I got along with and who I could talk to about everything that was going on around us.

Except, I felt my heart flutter when he smiled at me, and my skin tingle when our hands briefly touched as he and I reached out for the noodles at the same time. And I was surprised by the warmth I felt when he pretended to be jealous of another man. In that moment, I wanted more. I couldn't stop myself from wanting all of him, all the time.

So, I thought I was doing the right thing when I asked him about his father being in Pakistan. In retrospect, I wish I hadn't. I wish I had never gone to his lab in the first place. Because the words that came out of his mouth, however reluctant and full of regret they were, will forever be etched in my memory. In a matter of minutes he had confirmed every insecurity and every doubt that I had about us.

I knew he loved me. I had never questioned that. But love breeds resentment and bitterness when it has no future. And in that moment, I didn't see a future for us.

How could I ever become part of a family that saw me as lesser than themselves, even though I was their son's colleague. I had stood shoulder-to-shoulder with him, saving people's lives, while teaching him and guiding him in his career. Yet, I was not good enough to marry their son.

I had done everything right, but that still wasn't enough to become a worthy life partner for the man I loved.

Fairytale weddings, and fancy dresses were never something I had dreamt of. But I had always expected to be welcomed with open arms into my husband's family. My gut said that trying to convince Omar's parents would be a futile endeavor, they had objected to unchangeable facts about me and my family. Even if he did manage to convince them, those facts would remain true. The last thing either of us could afford in our busy careers is family drama which can suck the life out of any couple, no matter how in love they were.

Besides I could not let myself be looked down upon by anyone. I just couldn't...call it self-esteem, pride or having an ego. But I could not forget what Omar's family thought of me. Overtime, I could only imagine how that animosity could sour my relationship with Omar.

So, over the last couple of weeks, I had questioned myself again and again: Is this worth it? Were we always doomed? Am I just destined to be hurt no matter what I do?

But none of those doubts and questions had mattered to my heart. Even if I didn't have a future with him, I could never stop caring about him. Or worrying about him, and praying for his safety. A recent research paper had indicated that men, in all age categories, had worse outcomes with COVID. Papers like that would never have fazed me before. But now, all I could think of was the danger he was in when he worked in that BSL3 facility with the virus, or when he was assigned to the COVID unit.

Dr Kumar, our residency director had informed me a couple of days ago that I had been selected as one of the chief residents. That should have been a time for rejoicing, instead the first thing I did, was ask to take over the call schedules. Because of the sheer volume of patients in the ICU and the COVID inpatient unit, all residents including the interns were being assigned to those areas for 1 week at a time. We had abandoned the regular monthly call schedule, in the hope that the weekly schedules would give the residents some break in between the gruelling calls on the COVID units.

So, yesterday I had called Dr Kumar with concerns regarding the intern assigned to the COVID ICU for the next week.

"Dr Kumar, I am not sure he should be in the ICU. He has been working every evening in Dr Sanders lab, I can't imagine that he is not sleep deprived and at high risk for making mistakes in the ICU which will affect both him and his patients"

"Yes Madi, I was actually thinking the same thing. Omar has been working way too many hours, even though Dr Sanders has asked him to scale back. Who do you suggest we switch him with? We can't really leave the ICU short-handed"

"I can cover his week, and he can take over the telemedicine clinics I was scheduled to do. Those are a lot less intense than the ICU. And they are general medicine patients, so not anything an intern can't cover"

"Are you sure? You were just in the ICU two weeks ago..."

"Yes, I am..." He is not the only one who needs to work more to maintain their sanity

"Ok, I'll let Omar know then..."

I had moved out of my parents' house for now, and was renting an apartment about 20 mins drive from the hospital. I couldn't risk passing the virus on to my parents, but the lonely evenings and nights were really getting to me now. And an extra shift in the ICU was a welcome respite. Sweating through an N95 and the plastic gowns and goggles we wore to protect ourselves in the ICU was better than sitting at home alone, and letting my mind wander to the impossible situation I was in.

My alarm rang. It was 5:00 am. Time to shower, change and head into work.

At 5:40 am I parked my car and debated whether to take the back entrance to the ICU which was closer to the parking garage, or the main entrance through which we were supposed to enter and get a temperature scan. I was never a rule breaker and wasn't about to start being one in the middle of a pandemic. So I chose to trudge the extra 5 mins and walked around to the front of the building.

But one look at the tall figure with tousled, wavy hair, who was leaning against the concrete pillar at the entrance, told me that I had chosen wrong. I turned away from him and walked towards a side entrance, hoping he hadn't seen me. But it was too late.

"Madi...?"

Taking a deep breath I turned to face him, "Omar...uh...what are you doing here? You're supposed to be doing telemedicine clinic from home this week"

"I was supposed to be in the ICU this week...", he said, as he slowly walked towards, his eyes boring into mine even from a distance.

"Why am I not in the ICU this week, Madi?", he asked again stopping just a couple of feet away from me, as I stood still, frozen by his looming presence.

I cleared my throat, hoping that would jumpstart my brain into making some cohesive sentences, "Dr Kumar thought that you were working too many hours..."

"Dr Kumar said that it was the new chief resident's idea...", he interrupted me, and then paused before speaking again, "Madi...what exactly are you trying to do? You won't return my texts or my phone calls but then you go and pull this..."

I felt a little indignant, I wasn't 'pulling' anything, I was just trying to do the right thing.

"I am just looking out for the ICU patients. Everyone knows the hours you have been working lately...you know very well that a fatigued physician is at risk for making life threatening mistakes"

"And you're not fatigued?", he almost scoffed at me, "You just finished a week in the ICU and before that you were on the COVID wards...so I am going to ask you again. What is it that you are trying to do?"

Honestly, I had no clue what I was doing. All I knew was that I needed to keep busy so I didn't think about him.

"I have to go...I am getting late", I started to walk past him, but he grabbed my arm.

"Madi...stop...stop walking away from me. You still have 10 minutes"

"And what are we going to do in that 10 minutes, Omar? There's nothing else to do or say. We have no future...so what the hell are 10 minutes of conversation going to do?", I hadn't intended to raise my voice, but thankfully, there wasn't anyone else near the side entrance.

Omar let go of my arm, but the panic in his eyes was evident, "Don't say that, Madi. We could still get married...without my parents. It's not like I give a damn about them anyway"

"And what am I supposed to tell my parents? That their daughter has to get married without the approval of her in-laws because they come from a poor background? Because all their sacrifices, and sleepless nights and the double, triple-shifts my dad pulled...was still not enough to make me worthy of you?"

"Madi...", he tried to interject. But I had a lot more to say.

"No Omar...you listen to me. I will not do this to my parents. They deserve to live their lives with dignity...and without the knowledge that some stranger invaded their privacy only to deem their daughter unsuitable for some man"

"This is not my fault...don't punish me..."

I could see the moisture in his eyes as a look of despair drifted across his handsome face. A small part of me hesitated, agreeing with him that he should not have to suffer because of the sins of his parents. But I had all this pent up anger and frustration inside me, and there was no where for it to go. So it all came pouring out uncontrollably at the man whose only sin was to make me fall in love with him.

"It is your fault. I was totally content in my life till you came along and made me believe that there was a world where I could get more. Where I could be truly happy without changing myself. And then you took it away from me...Omar, you could have gotten any other woman, yet you chose to mess up my life"

He looked at me, aghast and stunned. But didn't hesitate even a moment before replying, "Madi, falling in love with you was not a choice for me. It just happened, and every time I see you...it happens a little bit more"

He had said that with so much earnestness, that I was at loss of words. I knew what he meant, though. Loving him had never been an option for me, either. One hour I was trying to hold pressure on a patient's bleeding leg with him standing next to me, the next hour I was in the shower thinking about the sincerity of his words, and the way he made me feel when he said, 'I am here for you'.

Omar reached out and placed a hand on my arm, "I promise to give you everything you will ever need or want...and if you want my parent's approval then I will go to Pakistan and get that as soon as the flights open"

But the realist in me wasn't prepared to back down. The walls that encased my heart and mind were back up again. The urge to protect myself was stronger than my love and desire for the man standing in front of me. I had never been able to trust anyone easily. Omar had seemed different, but wasn't really, and every instinct told me that we needed to go back to having that strictly professional relationship that we had prior to the mess we had gotten ourselves into.

"Maybe it's time you stop fighting for us. We are a dead end Omar...", I told him matter-of-factly, "The reality of my family will never change, and I don't see yours accepting us the way we are"

I hated to have said that out loud, a part of me didn't want him to stop fighting for us. But another more vocal side was wary of going down a road that would lead us to despair and misery no matter what we did.

"You are unbelievable...", he let go of my arm, and took a step back from me, his indignation at my words was apparent in the way his mouth literally fell open.

Through gritted teeth, in a low, almost intimidating voice he said, "Look at me and tell me that you don't love me as much as I love you, and I will stop fighting for us. I will walk away from you Madi, if you tell me you don't feel anything for me..."

I did look up at him, into those piercing brown eyes that used to be full of warmth, but now were sunken and tired. I couldn't say anything, because a denial would be a lie, and the truth was already known to him.

Without breaking eye contact with me, he nodded slowly, and said "I thought so..."

He started to back away from me, but stopped to look at me disappointingly, "Madiha, I never really thought that you were the type to give up so easily"

He never called me Madiha, it was always Madi or Dr Madiha Ahmed. Why am I suddenly Madiha for him? And where was the affection in his voice that he always had when he took my name? Did I push him too far? I was almost panicking internally, when he spoke up again.

His voice though was flat and devoid of any emotions, and he looked right past me, when he said, "And I know why you switched my ICU week. I'm going to tell Dr Kumar, that the two of us should split the week...I am not going to let you do this alone"

Maybe he still cares?

With that he turned and walked away from me, as I stood there in silence, debating whether I should run after him, or run away from him. Neither, seemed like a reasonable answer. But by now, it was 6:05 am, and I was late for my ICU shift, so I jogged back to the main entrance. Omar was long gone by now.

I started to replay our conversation in my mind, on the way to the ICU but then pushed it away. This was not the time to think of my problems, or their potential solutions.

My phone buzzed and I ignored it initially. Omar would be the only one messaging this early, and thinking about him would put me on a path of anxiety and trepidation, which I could not afford to be on right now.

But then curiosity got the better of me and I pulled out my phone. It was a message from Faraz.

'Good morning Madi, just a friendly reminder to let me know your thoughts on the documents I had sent. Perhaps I could come over to your hospital one of these days. And we could go over it in-person....we'd stay outside the building of course!'

Yikes! I completely forgot about those documents

Faraz and Maliha's husband, Hasan, had been working on a virtual telemedicine platform that would connect physicians in India with those in the US, so that knowledge and expertise could be shared. Their tech company had all the tools, but lacked the medical knowledge to decide which would be the most relevant to the current pandemic.

The documents he had sent were an outline of those technical tools. But I had been so engrossed in my own life that I had completely forgotten to get back to him.

I honestly thought that a zoom meeting would have been sufficient, but I had already delayed his project and didn't have the heart to refuse his request. Besides, this was my sister's in-laws.

In-laws that were rich and humble. Clearly, that breed of people exists. They are just not meant for me.

Maybe, I am the problem. Maybe I'm just destined to lead a difficult life...

'So sorry, Faraz. I'll take a look at them in the next couple of days. How about we meet at the end of this week?"

Good...more work to distract me from my own life! Keep 'em coming...

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