Beginning of February 2020

Madiha

I wasn't trying to play hard to get. That was never my intention. But the longer I held back the harder it got to tell Omar what I was feeling. And when he stopped trying to ask me about that evening on the bench, part of me started to wonder if I had been right all along...he would eventually get sick of me.

But then I heard that the patient on my team with cough and fever, had been in contact with someone from Wuhan, China. My initial realization that we may be taking care of one of the first American's with COVID-19, was replaced with the dread that Omar would be the one to actually go into his room and examine him. My only job had been to coordinate his transfer to our main Chicago hospital and type up the transfer summary.

There is nothing like the fear of the unknown to jolt you out of a holding pattern. I didn't need to go to the main hospital that day, Dr Kumar had told me to come any day of that week. But I went anyway because I was really hoping to see Omar.

And then I did see him, holding little Ayah in his arms, smiling at her so tenderly that my heart almost melted. I loved kids, and someday I wanted to have a big family of my own. And in that moment I knew, that whatever my reservations were about Omar, any man who looked at a baby so lovingly would be worth risking your heart for. Especially, if that man also elicited this warmth inside of you, that you had never felt before.

I wasn't ever going to ask Omar out on a date. But I wanted to talk to him in person, so I thought of the next best thing...a casual 2-hr babysitting stint at a friend's house. It must have seemed odd to Salman, but thankfully he went along with it.

The only problem, that I didn't think of in that moment: the friend, was a woman he had been head-over-heels in love with.

Come on Madi...that's over, he has been pretty clear about his feelings.

Except, that he had never once said that he was actually over her. Or if he was, what finally convinced him. Was I just a distraction? Someone to help him get over his ex?

I closed my eyes, and took a deep breath. I couldn't go down a rabbit hole, I cared too much about him. I had to give him the benefit of doubt. Besides, today I would actually have the chance to ask him all of that.

I looked at myself in the full length mirror in my room and thought I looked decent enough. It was still pretty cold in Chicago, so I had decided to pair my trusted dark blue jeans, with a plain white t-shirt and light pink woolen cardigan. I left my hair in its natural curly state, and put on some light makeup and lip gloss. Mom and dad had wanted to go grocery shopping today so I left the family car for them and took the train to Salman and Noor's house.

Forty-five minutes later I was knocking on their front door.

"You're here! So good to see you Madi!", Noor exclaimed, as she hugged me tightly, "And you look adorable. Here let me take your coat"

As I was handing her my coat, I heard two male voices from kitchen.

Is he already here?

As if Noor could read my mind, she winked at me and said, "Omar is in the kitchen! I am so excited for you guys"

"Nothing is happening..."

"Yeah right! You're blushing and you haven't even seen him yet!"

For a while now, I hadn't been able to control that heat rising to my cheeks at the mention of his name, or the mere thought of him. I had to let him know, today, how I felt about him. I had dragged this on for too long, and that wasn't fair on him or me.

Eventually, Noor and I made it to the kitchen where Salman was sitting with Ayah in his lap and Omar, wearing black jeans and a blue sweatshirt with some cricket club's emblem, was...cooking!

Oh! That's not what I was expecting.

Our eyes met and he gave me a warm smile, but before he could say anything Salman handed me Ayah and gave me a sheet with the last time she had drunk milk and her diaper was changed. Because she was a preemie, and her parents were pediatricians, everything was done by the book in this house.

"Pumped breastmilk is in the fridge and, Madi you already know where the rest of the stuff is. She should go down for a nap in about an hour. But please call us if you have any questions", Noor instructed, as she and Salman headed out the door.

"Sure thing...we"ll be fine", I reassured mom and dad.

Finally alone, with Ayah cooing happily in my arms, Omar and I looked at each other again.

"Hi...", he said smiling at me again.

"Hi...", I replied in an unexpectedly raspy voice, which I am sure made me blush again.

I don't know why I was nervous, this was supposed to be a low-key, no-pressure way of asking Omar some questions while we helped out friends.

"I thought I would make biryani...it should be ready in a bit, and there is plenty of it. You hungry?", Omar asked me.

He knows how to make biryani?

"I had a big breakfast, but I'll try some", I replied, looking forward to tasting his cooking, "What made you think of making biryani for them?"

A guy who knows how to cook, is worth his weight in gold...in my opinion!

"Oh...Noor's loved biryani since she was a kid. I figured, I am not much help with handling a baby, but I could cook for her"

Right...he's making biryani for Noor. That's ok, it doesn't mean anything...she is just a friend

He was busy chopping up tomatoes and frying something, so I decided to move into the living space with Ayah. This house had an open lay out, so the kitchen, dining area and living space were all connected. For the next half an hour, we chatted about the COVID patient I had transferred over from the community hospital as well as a number of others who had been admitted over the past week and half. More and more cases were being reported from other larger urban cities in the US, especially on the West coast.

Omar gave me some update of the new research coming out of Europe and Asia on COVID-19, but it was little difficult to follow him over all the clanging sounds of the pots and pans that he was using. It reminded me of the times my dad would venture into the kitchen to make something exotic, only to use 5 different pots where 1 could have been used. He would leave the kitchen so messy, that my mom would swear to never let him enter it again.

"Madi, do you know if they have red chilli powder?", Omar asked as he opened up several drawers and cabinets.

I put down Ayah on her little play mat, and went over to the kitchen to help him look in the pantry. We didn't find any chili powder, but Omar did find a can of peas which made him laugh for some reason.

"I never thought I would see the day when Noor would have peas in her house...", he turned towards me and said, "She hates peas so much, she told me that if I ever dared to buy them after we got married she would kick me out of the house"

He paused, and looked down at the can of peas in his hand again, "Good thing I never got married to her..."

Why is he thinking about Noor and peas, and getting married to her? He should be thinking about me, not her.

I went back to the living area, my mind already going into a place I desperately wished to stay away from. But even I had to admit now, bringing him to Noor's house was a mistake. Everything here must remind him of her, of the life he had planned to have with her.

Madi, how could you be so stupid!

Even her living room was filled with memories of her, photos of her wedding day, some from her honeymoon, and then more from when she was pregnant with Ayah.

Wait...that look he gave to Ayah when he was holding her last week, did she remind him of Noor?

"Madi...you ok?", I heard Omar's voice through my thick fog of self-doubt, jealousy and regret.

No I wasn't, I was going down a deep, dark hole that I hated myself for but I couldn't help it. Omar had such a long history with Noor, I doubted that he would ever truly be over her. But where does that leave me? Or the feelings I have for him? Will I always feel like the second choice that he was forced to make, because he couldn't get his first choice?

"I am fine...but I think I should take Ayah into her room and see if I can put her to sleep"

And then hide there, till Noor and Salman come back. This was the stupidest, of the stupidest ideas I have ever had.

"But I thought Noor said not to put her down for another...", he checked his watch, "20 minutes..."

I knew that. But being out here with him, surrounded by reminders of Noor, was driving me crazy.

"That's ok, I'll just play with her in there till then..."

I grabbed the milk bottles, and picked up Ayah from her play mat. Omar stood there looking at me with confusion, but I didn't care. I stepped into the nursery, and shut the door.

I don't think this will ever work out. I am too damaged to trust anyone...

What the hell just happened?

I asked Madi for help with looking for some spices and since then she had been sitting in the living room, looking as if some tragedy had struck her. When I tried to ask her if she was ok, she just got up and left with Ayah.

I swear...sometimes I just don't understand her

I finished making the biryani, cleaned up after myself and even washed Ayah's bottles. And then I waited for Madi to come out of the nursery. Half an hour later when she still hadn't come out, I got up to check on her. I couldn't hear anything from Ayah's room so I knocked on her door lightly.

"Madi, the food is ready. Do you want to eat something?"

A few seconds passed before she opened the door and whispered, "No thanks, I think I'll just stay with Ayah"

What is going on with her?

Before she could close the door again, I put my hand on it, "I think Ayah will be fine on her own. We have the baby monitors out here"

She looked at me with an almost distraught expression, which I couldn't really understand, but then stepped out of the room.

"Madi...what is going on with you?"

"Nothing...Omar, nothing at all", she shook her head, and walked over to her purse to get her laptop. I watched her, a bit baffled at what her intentions were.

"Tell me more about the SARS-CoV-2 virus gene. I know that you were looking this up earlier. Could you teach me how to do the gene analysis as well?"

She sat down on the dining table and opened her laptop, motioning for me to sit on the chair across from her.

What? No...I am not here to teach her viral gene analysis.

"Madi...stop", I did sit down from across her but reached over to close her laptop. I needed her undivided attention. We had been going round and round in circles over the last month. And she was going to squander the one chance we had to finally talk.

"What are we doing", I asked her.

"Babysitting...", she looked up at me confused.

"No Madi...what are we doing?", I asked her again, "You and me. Do you understand what I said to you the other day outside the hospital in the snow"

She didn't say anything, but quietly nodded.

"Then Madi, what are we doing? Why won't you just talk to me?"

She looked up at me and started to say something but then stopped. All I could think of in that moment was the conversation I had with Noor, while we were engaged. I had driven all the way from Wisconsin because I could sense something was off with her. But when I asked her, she said everything was fine, even though she was already in love with Salman. She had hesitated before answering, just the way Madi was now.

"Madi, don't do this to me. This is exactly what Noor did. Is there someone..."

But before I could finish that sentence, something seemed to have triggered Madi. She frowned at me, and said in an angry voice, "Why does everything have to be about Noor? Is she the only one anyone ever thinks about?"

What the eff?

"Madi...what is wrong with you? Are you are jealous of your friend? Honestly, that is ridiculous", I couldn't help snapping at her. It was one thing to be angry at me, even if I didn't know why, but it was quite another to bring Noor into this for no reason.

"You know what you're right...I am jealous of her. Of her perfect husband and perfect life. I hate myself for it...but I am"

Perfect husband? Salman?

Then something occurred to me that was too painful to even think about so I ignored it...for now.

"How does she have a perfect life? She just went through a horrific time...the effects of which she is still dealing with. You were there. Madi, you were with her in the ICU"

I liked Madi, I really did. But this jealous side of her was new, and unexpected. And I wasn't sure how to react to it. And speaking of the ICU...

"Madi what happened to you in the ICU? Something happened when we took Noor off the ventilator. Something that made you go outside in the cold"

She didn't look at me, instead just buried her head in her hands, and whispered, "Nothing happened..."

"Stop saying that...people don't fall asleep in freezing weather unless they are in a state of mind that is not normal"

Still nothing from her. What is she so disturbed about?

But I was getting desperate for some answers and I didn't recognize this woman sitting in front of me. "What happened in Noor's room that day? Why did you disappear for almost an hour and then yell at me? Please answer me, Madi! That woman was not you"

I gently touched her arm, "This woman is not you Madi, I know you...please let me in..."

She finally looked up at me, there was moisture in her eyes, but she took a deep breath and started to speak slowly, "Fine. Yes something did happen. We had taken Noor off the ventilator and...I saw the way Salman interacted with Noor, the way he looked at her and touched her gently. And I wanted that..."

She wanted that? That can't be...she is jealous of Noor because of her husband?

My heart was sinking, but I had to ask her, "Madi...are you in love with Salman?"

She looked at me incredulously, "What? No...oh my God, why would you even say that out loud in their house? I don't feel anything for Salman. I would never do that to my friend"

Whew! But then what the hell happened?

"Then why did you run out of the ICU?"

Madi closed her eyes for a few seconds, before speaking again. But she didn't look at me, even though I could see her cheeks turn a deep crimson color.

"Because I was falling for someone. I wanted what Salman and Noor had with someone else in that room. Someone who was standing next to me..."

There is someone else? Has she been acting so reserved because there is someone else in her life?

I tried to think back to that day, but so much was happening in the room, I couldn't remember who was standing where. Panic was setting in now...I was so far gone with her, it would kill me if there was someone else in her life.

My voice cracked when I asked her, "Madi, who the hell was standing next to you? If there is someone else you're interested in, just tell me. Please don't do this to me..."

This time she did look at me, and in the softest voice ever said, "It was you...Omar. You were standing next to me"

What?

"You didn't even realize it, did you? Because you only had eyes for her. I saw the way you were looking at her", Madi's eyes were full of hurt, and tears, and regret.

Her words were still sinking in when I heard the front door open.

"Hellooo, we're back! How did everything go?", Salman's voice rang out in the living room.

"I have to go...", Madi whispered to me, as she wiped her tears and got up from the table.

"Salman, Ayah is asleep. I wrote down everything she drank, and when I changed her diaper. The sheet is on the table next to her crib"

With that she grabbed her bag and ran out of the house, leaving her coat and laptop behind.

I called after her, "Madi...wait"

"What happened...?", a surprised Salman asked as I hurriedly gathered my things and grabbed what Madi had left behind.

Noor entered soon after and had the same question, "Omar, what did you do to Madi? She just ran out crying, without even her coat on"

"I have no idea, but I have to go after her", I replied to them, already halfway out the door.

I couldn't see Madi anywhere on the street. I tried calling her, but she did not pick up. There was no way an Uber would have picked her up so fast, and this was a side street where regular taxis didn't come either. That only left the train station around the corner.

I could either run there, but I would have to buy a ticket to even get into the station, and that would take time. Time in which she could easily get onto the train, since the Chicago trains ran frequently enough even on a weekend.

Or I could just get into my car and drive to the train station next to her own house in the suburbs, assuming that is where she was going. Maybe the 40 minute train ride would give her a chance to cool down. And maybe a long drive to the suburbs is what I needed to think through what Madi had just admitted.

Car it is...

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