She looked beautiful, standing in the workroom with her thick, black, curly hair cascading down her shoulders. Her cheeks were flushed, probably from the cold outside, and her full lips a shade of deep pink. I knew I shouldn't have been staring at her like that, but I hadn't seen her in a while and nothing had prepared me for the way she stood there looking at me with an unwavering gaze, her lips slightly parted, her bag still in her hand.

If her last words to me in the ICU hadn't been, "I am done with you", I would have thought that she was actually glad to see me, and not just as an intern. But I had no idea where we stood in our relationship, and I wasn't going to assume anything with her. So I just made small talk and got to work in the ER, next to her, which in itself felt like a reward.

We worked great together initially, just like we did in the ICU. But then just like the ICU, she put up walls around herself and refused to let anyone help her.

And she lied to me! She didn't know the racist, white supremacist patient. He hadn't even been in our hospital's medical record system before that day, there was no way she had taken care of him before. And then instead of letting me help her, she pulled me out of his room and took over his care all alone again.

Why doesn't she ever except anyone's help?

I had hoped that I would get some time today to bring up how I really felt about her. But when I saw her walking out of the ER with the same expression on her face as she did in the ICU, before I found her curled up on a bench outside the hospital in freezing weather, I knew my confession would have to wait.

I needed to figure out what was going on with her, and get answers to all the questions I had:

Why does she keep doing this to herself? She is such a confident woman at most times, but then at other times she looks like she is the loneliest person in the world. Though I was beginning to realize that confidence and loneliness were not mutually exclusive.

What exactly did she mean that she's been called worse? What could be worse than the hateful words that had been uttered by her patient?

And what happened that day in the ICU? I knew I played a role in it somehow, but that wasn't the whole story. Does she have undiagnosed depression? Or is this a sign of the physician burn out that we keep getting lectures on these days?

Maybe none of this was my business, but something told me that many other people had left her alone when she went it to these depressive moods because it wasn't their business either. But she meant so much to me, and I was falling for her in a way that I never thought I could.

She had become my business, whether I accepted that or not.

I went in to a see a patient at the end of our shift hoping that it would be a quick one. From the nurses note it had seemed like she was an 18 year old who had broken out in hives after starting a new antibiotic. But it ended up taking me longer than expected because this young woman had not only started a new antibiotic, but she also had a history of seizures and her neurologist had started her on a new anti-seizure medication. Plus, she had been self-medicating herself with marijuana based on recent reports in the press that suggested it may help in controlling seizures.

By the time I was done with this patient, it was 4:15 pm, 15 minutes since our shift had ended, and Madi was nowhere to be seen.

I called her immediately, and thankfully she picked up.

"Madi...I asked you to wait for me...", I didn't mean to be curt with her, but I couldn't shake the feeling that she was running from me because she knew I would force her to open up about her day.

"Omar, it's been a tough day. I just want to go home and forget everything", she said in a tired voice, and I felt bad for keeping her here.

Forget everything? By burying it inside her...like she always does? Burying things inside is how she probably ended up on that bench.

I wasn't going to give up on her so easily this time, so I pleaded with her, "Please Madi, just give me 10 minutes to sign this patient out. I really need to talk to you"

Then, I tried to bargain with her, "I'll drop you home after that. That way you can skip the crowded train and actually get home faster than the train"

She still didn't answer, so I softened my tone and spoke up again.

"Madi, don't shut me out like you did in the ICU...please just talk to me"

Whether it was the desperation in my voice or that she really did not want to be stuck in the rush hour commute by train, she agreed to walk back to the hospital and wait for me at the side entrance closest to the parking garage.

By the time I finally reached that entrance it was 4:45 pm and the sun had already set. I found her sitting outside on the same bench where I had found her weeks ago, sleeping in the cold. She had her jacket on now, but it was far colder, even though the snowfall had thankfully stopped. Oblivious to my presence, she sat there staring out into the empty sidewalk that was lined by huge snow covered trees decorated with holiday lights that exuded an alluring warmth, the kind that would make you forget that you were standing in subzero temperatures. But created the perfect atmosphere for you to have a heart-to-heart conversation, with the woman you were falling in love with.

I was going to ask her to come inside with me, out of the cold, but she looked so peaceful and content that I quietly sat next to her. She turned to look at me, her lips slowly turning upwards in small smile, which made my heart beat just a little bit faster. Her dark curls were loose now and framed her perfectly shaped face, and the lights accentuated the freckles that peppered her flawless skin.

"Hey...", I smiled back at her, admiring the way her dark brown eyes twinkled with the reflection of the holiday lights.

She is so beautiful. I thought, for the second time that day.

"Hey...", she replied to me in a soft, innocent voice, that tugged at my heartstrings, "I am sorry, I didn't mean to just ignore you and walk away from the ER. It's been a rough day"

"I know...Sorry to make you walk back, but I am glad you did...and sorry to keep you waiting, the patient turned out to be slightly more complicated than I thought she would be"

"That's ok. I had only just walked a block away, and I like watching the snow", she gazed out onto the snowy scenery in front of us again, "You have to admit there is something special about fresh snow. The way the layers and layers of soft powder buries everything underneath it and for a moment you can forget how complicated life can get"

Her eyes had a dreamy, faraway look when she said that, and it made me wonder if she was really even talking about snow. Or if she was talking about herself, and the way she buries her true feelings under layers and layers of a calm and poised exterior.

Before I could think more about that, she turned to me and asked, "So what did you want to talk about?"

So much Madi, there is so much to talk about...

I didn't know where to start so I asked her how she was doing . She just shrugged.

"I thought we were going to talk about you...I'll be fine...", she replied with a slight frown.

Just like you were fine in the ICU? And then I found you half frozen on this very bench.

"Ok...let's talk about me then. Why did you tell me that you knew that racist patient in the ER today? You didn't, I looked him up. He didn't even have a record at our hospital before today", I paused, but before she could answer added, "And don't tell me that it was because you are the senior resident...I am not buying it"

She gave me a half smile, "I am your senior resident Omar..."

I didn't say this to her then, but she wasn't just my senior resident. She hadn't been for a while, and maybe she knew that too. Otherwise, I doubt we would be sitting out here.

"I want the whole truth Madi..."

She looked at me for a couple of seconds, and probably realized that I wasn't going to let it go like she kept telling me to.

"Fine, Fen Wang told me that he had Nazi symbols tattooed on him and I didn't want to send Elijah in there. As an African-American male, I could never knowingly expose him to that experience..."

"I could have gone in there Madi, why did you stop me?", I interrupted her. I would have done exactly what she did with Elijah, but she did not need to protect me.

"Because Omar, as the senior resident it is my job to take on the tougher cases that will not add to your learning. Besides, it's not like you have the experience to deal with this kind of anti-dark skin hatred..."

What?

"What is that supposed to mean?", I kept my voice calm, but admittedly was feeling slightly upset about her unfairly underestimating me, "I have plenty of experience dealing with people being biased against me. I am a person of color too, and belong to a demographic that isn't exactly the favourite around here"

"All people of color don't have the same experience. There are gradations to the biases and hatred which is directly proportional to your skin tone, it's not an all or none phenomenon", she replied, looking straight at me

"I don't understand..."

"Let me explain it this way...You are a light-brown skinned man, who grew up in Pakistan where your skin color is the desired shade of brown. I grew up in a culture where people have pitied me ever since I was a child, because I was dark skinned like my father and unlike my mother, didn't have the perfect facial features, or the hair texture..."

"Madi...", I tried to tell her it was ridiculous she had to go through that, but she cut me off.

"Everything he said to me today, Omar...everything...I have heard before. And worse, I have heard some of it from people who look like you, who would never consider themselves White supremacists, or scoff at the idea that they are biased against people like me...so excuse me when I say this, your experience is nothing compared to mine...", she said in an exasperated tone.

She got up and started to walk back into the hospital, but I caught up with her before she could get too far.

"Madi...don't walk away", I walked past her and turned to face her so she had to stop in her tracks, "I am so sorry that you've had such a terrible experience growing up..."

She sighed and didn't say anything for a few seconds, but then in a low, sorrowful voice said, "It wasn't just growing up, Omar, it's all the time...even at Malihas's wedding...", she stopped talking, as if the memory of whatever had happened to her at sister's wedding was too painful.

"What happened at Maliha's wedding?", I didn't mean to pry, but I had a feeling that bottling up those memories wasn't going to help her either.

"Same as always...random people commenting on the color of my skin, except that now I am a dark-skinned, career woman who also had the audacity to break off her engagement...never mind the fact that Jawad may have done it anyway, but was just too much of a coward to take the first step", she sighed again, "It's just all gets a bit much sometimes... you know"

"I am sorry, Madi...I had no idea you go through so much. I mean it's the 21st century for God's sake, I thought our society was over this...but clearly I've just been ignorant of this whole side of our culture"

I knew racism was a huge problem in the US, but it hadn't occurred to me that our own culture had some of the same issues. But maybe Madi was right. Maybe I hadn't realized it because I was lighter-skinned than the average desi. Me and my sister both. Something that my mother had gleefully commented on many times.

"It's ok Omar, this is such a prevailing issue that we are all to blame at some level I guess"

But she wasn't to blame. She and her kind-hearted, generous soul were not to blame at all for how she had been treated. However, she may be right that our society in general carried the blame for our internalized biases.

Now that I thought about it, all the rishta pictures of the women that my mom had sent to me over the months had looked the same. Same light-brown skin, same stylish hair with highlights and light brown or colored eyes. I just assumed that was by chance, but maybe it wasn't. Maybe men like me and families like mine, chose to perpetuate that standard of beauty because all we see in media and popular print are women, and even men, that reach a certain westernized standard of physical attributes.

"Omar...I think I am just going to catch the train. The snow will actually make driving on the roads slower than the train"

I was going to tell her that I wanted to drop her off, I wanted to spend more time with her, even if it meant being stuck in traffic. But she continued to speak.

"And I am sorry for unloading on you like this. You were trying to be a good friend, and I appreciate you listening...I hope, you don't think I am the crying, whiny type...I am not. I am usually, very good at keeping my emotions inside me", then she laughed softly, "Except around you...somehow all my secrets come tumbling out in your presence"

I'm not trying to be your friend!

"I told you I would listen to you whenever you needed me to, without any judgement..."

I didn't know where I was going with this. Part of me desperately wanted to tell her that I was developing very strong, undeniable feelings for her. But another part knew that if I let her know that, and she rejected me, I may never recover from the emotional pain.

In that moment the second part of me won. Besides she already seemed so disturbed, it didn't feel right to burden her with my emotions as well.

"Thank you...and I really mean it. I know that I am not supposed to feel this way. With all my education, and training. I should be able to ignore other people's opinions of me...", she told me, with tears starting to pool in her eyes.

"But you're only human...I hate that you have to go through this, but don't beat yourself up for having emotions"

I wanted to reach out and wipe her tears, but I knew that was not something she would be comfortable with, so I gave her a clean tissue I had in my pocket.

She sniffed and nodded at me, "When you keep hearing things like this...", she sighed again, and lowered her gaze, "At some point you start believing them too"

Did she believe that there was actually something wrong with her?

"I'll see you around Omar...", she said, and started walking back into the hospital building.

And I would have let her walk away this time, but when I looked at her she looked so vulnerable and unhappy, far more than when I first saw her sitting on the bench here.

I did this to her, with my stupid questions. She had probably forgotten about the patient encounter, but I had to go ahead and bring up all the memories again.

"Madi...wait", I instinctively reached out to hold her hand as she walked past me, surprising her and myself.

I let her hand go, almost immediately, but I couldn't stop the words coming out from my mouth.

"You are beautiful..., in every sense of the word, inside and out. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise, or make you feel lesser than the incredible woman you are"

"Omar...you don't have to...", she whispered, and her eyes widened as her cheeks flushed, and this time I knew that wasn't just from the cold weather.

"No...Madi, I am not just saying this because I am trying to make you feel better, I am saying it because I care about you...more than I have ever cared about anyone else...and I won't ever let anyone dim your light"

I wasn't just falling in love with the woman standing in front of me, I was hurtling towards an end, that would either make me the luckiest man in the world, or take away my ability to ever give my heart to anyone else. But in that moment, I didn't care what happened to me. I just needed to convince her that she was so much more than what others, or even she, saw in herself. And I wanted to protect her from the world around her, that had tried to convince her she was somehow flawed.

For what seemed like eternity, we both stood under the lighted trees, surrounded by the serenity of the snow, gazing at each other. Both equally stunned at what I had said.

"Madi...", I tried to form a sentence.

"Omar...I need to go...", she said with a hushed voice, before turning on her heels and literally fleeing into the hospital, leaving me standing alone.

"Wait...Madi, let me drop you off...", I called after her, but she was already gone.

Everyone tells you that love is a risk worth taking, no one tells you that rejection of that love shatters you in a million pieces making it impossible to ever put yourself back again. I had been here before, and barely managed to gather myself. Yet, somehow here I was again...even though I knew how much it would hurt, I had let myself go down this path, again.

But maybe this time it's different, this time she didn't say no, or tell me that there is someone else in her life. She let me into her world, even if briefly, and maybe she ran because I sprung everything on her...

Maybe I shouldn't have told her outrightly that she was beautiful? Even if it's the truth. Maybe I crossed a boundary that I shouldn't have...

Or maybe I read everything wrong again...and she really just wanted to be a friend and a colleague

A thousand other explanations for Madi's behaviour raced through my mind, some I wanted to believe, others I didn't. But one thing I was sure of, the ball was squarely in Madi's court.

Madiha

I hurried past the elevators, past a group of nurses, past the security desk and then the coffee kiosk, and I didn't stop till I exited the main entrance of the hospital, all the way on the opposite side of the building from the parking garage and that bench I had just been sitting on. That's when I was finally so short of breath, that I couldn't walk fast anymore.

I leaned against a pillar, as I tried to catch my breath and make sense of what had just happened.

Omar was being the nice and understanding friendly colleague, like he has been before, and part of me was glad that he had called me back to the hospital.

Talking with him always felt cathartic, even if we weren't in agreement. This time was no different. He clearly saw the world around him from a different colored lens than I did. But he was also a genuinely good person, so I wasn't surprised when he said 'it's the 21st century for God's sake'. And I wasn't surprised either when he told me that I should allow myself the liberty of being emotional about all the biases I had to deal with.