"Omar how long are you going to keep this up?", Sehr, my younger sister, was FaceTime-ing me from London.

I had just reached the parking lot of the mid-sized community hospital, which was a subsidiary of the University Hospital of Illinois, but located in the suburbs of Chicago. As interns we rotated through the ER of this hospital as well, and my shift was due to start in exactly 20 mins. I never knew what Chicago traffic would be like in the morning, so I usually made it a point to leave early for my shift.

This particular morning traffic was a little too light, probably because schools and businesses were starting to shut down since the Christmas/New Year holidays were just around the corner. But that extra time and the warmth of my car, versus the subzero temperature outside, had convinced me that I may as well accept my sister's FaceTime call and listen to her chide me for avoiding my parents' calls.

"Honestly Sehr, if Ami would talk about anything besides marriage, I would call her everyday. But my marriage is all she ever wants to talk about!"

"And what is wrong with that? You're not getting any younger, and I am pretty sure I can see white hair on your head...", she said squinting at her phone screen.

"That is just the sunlight's effect, and worry about yourself. If I am getting old so are you! You're exactly 1 year 2 days younger than me!", I frowned jokingly, and then laughed as she stuck her tongue out at me.

Our close ages had resulted in us being a lot more friendly than many brother-sister pairs were. Though with her being married and me busy with residency I hadn't seen much of her recently, even though she lived in Michigan and was only about a 5 hours drive by road.

"What are you doing in London anyway?"

"Ugh, don't ask...", she rolled her eyes, "Your brother-in-law needed to make a business trip to China, but while we were still on our layover in London, our flight to Shanghai got cancelled. Something about a virus that is spreading there or something...so anyway, we decided to make a mini- British vacation out of it"

"Oh yeah, there is a coronavirus outbreak over there right now. Good you didn't go, seems pretty deadly. Should be over soon though, the previous coronavirus outbreaks both in Asia and Middle East were over in a few weeks", I reassured her.

"Well you know what is not going to be over, is Ami's anxiety about you living alone here", she hesitated but then added, "And there is a girl that even I think is highly suitable for you..."

Great! Here we go again

It wasn't like I didn't want to get married. Eventually I did. But I needed to figure somethings out first.

My sister hadn't stopped talking meanwhile, and I had no idea what she had said, but I did catch the last part, "Her father and Abu (dad) are business partners and they used to live in Dubai but just recently moved to Pakistan. The girl is super pretty...and wait for it...she has a Master's degree and is working for an architect firm. You wanted a wife with a career. Ami found you one. You better not have a problem with her now!"

Why doesn't Ami get it? A year ago I didn't want just any woman, career or not, I wanted the woman who I could not have. And now...well, there is someone else, but she may not want me either

Maybe I am the problem!

"Sehr, listen, I can't...ok? Not right now"

"Oh my God...is this still about Noor? Man, you need therapy. Seriously yaar, what is wrong with you?", she berated me.

"It was never really about Noor. I mean, it was at one point...but it hasn't been for a while", I answered truthfully. She was my sister, and had a way of always getting the truth out of me.

"Then what's your problem?", she said in an exasperated tone, "Is there someone else?"

Six weeks ago I would have said 'of course there isn't anyone else'. Back then, my senior resident falsely accused of me of neglecting my duties, and of being in love with a married woman, before kicking me off her ICU team. And I had been angry and hurt by her words.

But six weeks of not being able to talk to this resident outside of brief interactions at noon conferences, and sometimes going days without even seeing her heartwarming smile, and hearing her confident yet soft voice had made me realize just how much I actually missed her.

And wanted her...next to me

"Omar, there is someone, isn't there?", my sister's voice had suddenly turned serious, "Don't lie to me, you've always been a terrible liar"

"Fine. Yes, there may be. She's a resident with me, but we're not exactly on the best terms right now. And I don't know if I can fix that. So please don't say anything to anyone yet. "

At some point during our ICU rotation together I had started to hope that Madi and I could be something more than just colleagues. Part of me was reluctant to set myself up for another heartbreak, but the feeling of absolute dread that had taken over me when she uncharacteristically disappeared from the ICU had convinced me that she could never really just be a colleague or friend to me.

"What in the world did you do?"

"I acted like an idiot when I should have been smarter"

When I had found her asleep on a bench outside the hospital in 40F (almost 5C) weather, she was curled up in a ball and her lips were almost blue. I knew then something was very, very wrong with her, yet she kept insisting that she was fine, and that I didn't know her. And maybe it was the walls that she put up around her or the guilt I felt for not being in the ICU when Noor stated to have trouble breathing, but I lashed out at Madi telling her that I would never have forgiven her if something had happened to Noor. Knowing her, she was probably already beating herself up about it, and I regretted my words the second I said them. But I couldn't take them back, and things just went downhill from there.

"Why didn't you apologize?"

"I tried to...but I still felt hurt and I told her I would be leaving soon for a surgery residency"

My sister raised an eyebrow, "Did you tell her you've only applied for surgery spots in Chicago?"

"She walked away before I could get to that part..."

She did kind-of, sort-of, apologize too. But whether or not she meant it, was hard for me to tell. In retrospect, maybe I should have taken that opportunity to spend a couple of extra minutes talking to her. But my pager had gone off, and an attending called out to her in the hallway. Basically, life did not let us forget that we were medical trainees working at a hospital.

My sister sighed, "Omar, you need to talk to her...like really talk to her, putting your ego aside. What's the worst that could happen? You'll be sitting alone in a car, telling your sister about your heartbreak"

Then she gave me a cheeky smile and said, "In case you haven't noticed, you're already doing that"

Sehr was right, I needed to speak to Madi, and I needed to do it soon. Otherwise, I would lose her just like I lost Noor. And this would be so much worse, because Noor was a friend who I thought was a ticket out of the lonely life I led. Madi was a woman I had highly respected even before I knew her, and when I did get to know her I couldn't get enough of her.

"Ok. I will figure out a way to talk to her", I said, returning her smile, "When did you become smarter than me?"

"The minute I was born...", she laughed.

My car's clock turned 7:55 am, so I said goodbye to my sister, and begrudgingly got out of my car. I hated working at this hospital, and it didn't have anything to do with the hospital itself, or the people. It was because working here meant that I was never able to go to the noon conferences at the main hospital, the one event during the day where there was some hope of me running into Madi, even if it was just to be in the same room as her and hear her voice as she spoke to other residents, or answered difficult questions posed by the attendings with great proficiency...which made me so, so proud of her.

I sighed as I put my bag down and logged onto the computer. I didn't know exactly where all of this was heading. It was totally possible that she hated me and would never want anything to do with me, and I would have to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart yet again. But my sister had made a good point, I already led a miserable life. How much worse could it get?

"Good morning Omar. How are you doing today?", Dr Seed, the ER attending's cheerful voice brought me out of my misery.

"Good morning Dr Seed. I am doing very well. Who would you like me to go see first?"

The ER was busy that morning, though it was nothing like the ER at the main hospital in Chicago. Here the pace was quick, but patients tended to be less sick and there were far fewer cases of trauma. The one unique thing about this ER was that we also saw children, since there wasn't a separate children's hospital nearby.

My lack of experience with babies was quite obvious when I was trying to examine a 6 month old chubby but very active baby who had come in with a fever and a slight cough. Seeing me struggle, Dr Seed walked into the room and first laughed at me, and then with mom's permission offered to show me how to hold a baby properly so they wouldn't wiggle so much as I tried to listen to their chest.

"Even if you never take care of another baby in the hospital again, one day you may be a father and this technique will help you keep your baby safe"

Father?

I felt my body stiffen immediately. I had never really thought about having a family before, but seeing how excited Salman had been to show us his daughter's pictures the day after she was born, had made me want that feeling of parental pride as well. And for a fleeting second, I had imagined what it would be like to share that feeling with the resident standing next to me.

We're not even talking to each other right now...talk about having pipe dreams!

In the room I tried to focus on what Dr Seed was saying to the baby's mom. He only had a mild viral infection, so Dr Seed explained that antibiotics would not be of any help, but he recommended keeping the baby hydrated and gave mom the correct dose of anti-fever medicines.

But back on my workstation I couldn't help but let my mind wander to Madi, specifically to her being a mother. I had seen her talking about Noor and Salman's baby, and maybe I was just imagining it but I could swear she had a special glow on her face at that time. I had no doubt that given her personality she would also be an excellent mother.

I must have been smiling at myself, because Dr Seed came up to me and said, "Ah yes, taking care of babies never fails to put a smile of one's face...but let's get back to the adult world for now. Here is the chart for Mr Ahmed Shah who was brought in by his colleagues at work for chest pain. Could you go take a look at him and let me know what you think"

"Sure thing Dr Seed..."

I shelved my thoughts about Madi for the time being, and read through the patient chart as I walked to the exam room. Mr Shah was a 61 year old man, in reasonable overall health and according to the nurses notes had started having chest pain around 10 am, when it hadn't improved he had been brought to the ER.

"Good morning Mr Shah. I am Dr Khan, how are you feeling today?", I said as I entered the room and introduced myself to the distinguished looking desi gentleman dressed in a crisp light blue dress shirt and black pants.

"Good morning, Dr Khan", he answered in a heavily accented voice, "It is really not a big deal...everyone is overreacting"

Before I could ask another question though he gave me a curious look and asked, "Are you from South Asia by any chance? Speak Urdu?"

"Ji, I am actually from Pakistan and yes I definitely speak Urdu...", I smiled at him. It was a pleasure to take care of patients with ties to my home country.

"Beta, that is nice to know...meri beti bhi doctor hai (my daughter is also a doctor)", he said with a proud look on his face.

"Oh that's really nice to know", and then I gently tried to redirect our conversation to his symptoms. I loved desi parents, but sometimes they got so engrossed in showing off their kids, it would take twice as long to get their history and do their physical exam.

Mr Shah had apparently had two parathas and spicy nihari from a local desi restaurant for breakfast, which he cheekily told me was a second breakfast for him since his wife insisted he only have oatmeal in the mornings.

"Everything was fine at the restaurant but when we were driving to the car dealer where I work I started having pain here", he explained pointing to the middle of his chest. But he had no pain in his arm, or any difficulty breathing.

"Ok, and Mr Shah is there any reason you are under stress these days? Anything important going on in your family or at work?", I asked, trying to judge clinically if this was a mild stress induced heart attack or just heartburn.

"Actually beta, my younger daughter just got married a couple of weeks ago, and we have just been very busy with her in-laws and dawats (dinner parties) etc. So I guess you could say I am stressed", then he paused and looked at me with an awkward smile, "My older daughter... the one who is also a doctor, is not married...bohat achi bachi hai wo (she is a very nice kid)"

I smiled and nodded, but pretended to continue taking down notes. What this uncle was trying to do, had happened to me before, usually by desi aunties though. There is no good way to tell your patient that you do not want to be setup with their daughter, so I usually just focused on their clinical care and ignored everything else.

Besides, I know who I want to be with, even if she doesn't know it yet

"Mr Shah, your EKG shows that your heart rhythm is completely normal. We are going to do some additional blood tests to make sure that there is no evidence of a heart attack, but right now my guess is that you just had bad heartburn"

My patient nodded and then as I was finishing putting the orders in the computer in his room, his phone rang. He spoke on it briefly and then called out to me, "Dr Khan could you please talk to my daughter and tell her that I am fine...and she doesn't need to come to this ER?"

"Sure...", I was always happy to talk to patients' family members.

But when I took the phone from him and looked at the screen, there was a picture of Madi on it...a beautiful picture of her with white flowers in her hair and a gorgeous smile on her face.

My heart may have briefly stopped at the sight of her, and her name escaped from my lips.

"Madi...", I whispered

Her dad looked at me curiously, "Do you know my daughter?"

Mr Ahmed Shah, my patient, was Madi's father...oh man!

I knew I looked flustered, but tried to reply to him in a coherent sentence, "Yes...Uncle...I am uh...I work with Madi...uh Dr Ahmed, I mean"

Madi was still on the phone as far as I could tell, and I didn't know if she had overheard me and her father, but I held it up to my ear and said, "Hello..."

There was pin drop silence for a few seconds, before her soft, sweet voice took my name, "Omar?"

Gosh...I missed her voice

There was no way I could speak to her in front of her father, especially since my mouth was completely parched all of a sudden and my heart was beating like crazy.

"Uncle I can't hear anything...I am going to step out of the room to see if I get better reception in the hallway"

He nodded so I stepped out and put the phone to my ear again, "Madi...yes its me, sorry I...I couldn't hear you in the room. But your dad's EKG looks normal, and we are just checking his blood work to make sure that he does not have any signs of a mild heart attack. He had spicy desi food for breakfast so I think this is just heartburn"

"Ok...that's good to know, my mom is going to be really mad at him for sneaking in a second breakfast. I...uh...I am in the ER at the main hospital. I was going to leave. But if you're with him, I think I'll just finish my shift, and ask my sister to pick him up. Its really busy here...I kind of feel bad leaving", then she paused, "Thanks Omar...thanks for taking care of him"

She sounded nervous, but somehow that made her voice even more appealing.

"Of course Madi...anything for you...I mean for your dad, I'll help him with anything he needs"

"I appreciate it...I should go..."

No Madi...please, not yet

But I knew she had to, I could hear the chaotic ER noises in the background. As much as I wanted to hold on to that moment, I had to let her go for the sake of our patients.

"Sure...it was nice talking to you"

"Same here...I'll see you around, and thanks again"

I imagined her smiling face as she said that, so I smiled back at her as if she could see me.

"Anytime..."

I would do anything for you...anytime

I stood in the hallway, and closed my eyes for a second, taking a deep breath. Even that 2 minutes worth of conversation with her had reminded me of what she had started to mean to me.

This is going to hurt so badly, if she doesn't feel the same way.

I walked back into Mr Shah's room and handed him the phone, "Dr Ahmed said that her sister will pick you up. But while we wait for your tests, is there anything I can do for you, or get for you?"

"No thank you beta, I am good"

I nodded and was about to leave when he inquired, "How well do you know my daughter, Madiha?"

Well enough to know that she hides her own feelings to make everyone else comfortable, even if that ends up hurting her.

"She was the senior resident on my recent ICU rotation, so I've worked with her", I had no idea why Madi's dad was asking me that, but I hoped that my earlier flustered conversation with him hadn't hinted on how I actually felt about his daughter.

Not that it was something to hide, but if Madi forgave me for whatever happened in the ICU, and if she was interested in me and if she agreed to marrying me some day, that would have to be a conversation between my parents and hers. But for the moment, I would rather have kept all of that to myself.

Her father just nodded and smiled at me, "That's good. She is a very smart girl...I am sure she taught you a lot"

"She did...", I smiled back at him.

We exchanged some more pleasantries and then I finally left his room. Half an hour later, when the blood test results came back, I went in to see him again. But this time there was a young woman sitting in there as well. She introduced herself as Mr Shah's daughter, Maliha.

When her dad mentioned that Madi and I worked together, she looked like a light bulb had gone off in her mind and said, "Aah...this makes so much sense..."

Both her dad and I looked at her baffled, but she only smiled and said, "Ignore me...I am just talking to myself"

So we did ignore her, and I told Mr Shah that his blood work all looked normal and that our suspicion for him having a severe heartburn was confirmed. Then I prescribed some anti-acid medicine to help with the heartburn and asked him to avoid spicy and oily foods, or at least have them in moderation.

"Thank you so much beta...God bless you", then he laughed and added, "I guess I should have listened to my wife after all"