It had been more than a week since chai time with my mom and dad had left me rattled. I kept telling myself that I should just ignore what everyone thinks about me and keep on living my life. What I had learnt that day, was nothing new. But it had also slowly dawned on me over the last few days, that being a strong, intelligent woman, and also being dark skinned had a cumulative negative effect on my desirability...it was a double whammy, like my brother would say.

Jawad had called me after my dad had informed his family of my decision. I had reluctantly picked up the phone, but to my surprise our discussion had been more amicable than I thought it would be...well, it started off amicable at least.

"Madiha, I think its quite evident that we want different things from life right now...so I guess what I am saying is, I am not upset at you for breaking off this engagement. The only reason I was even coming to Chicago was because my parents wouldn't back down till I agreed", he had said on the phone.

"Jawad, I am relieved to hear that...and best of luck in your future", I replied, hoping that would be the end of our conversation.

Unfortunately, he wasn't done yet, "Thanks. But I am going to give you some unsolicited advice...I get that you are a career woman, but men are just not built to play second fiddle in a relationship, so lower your standards"

Lower my standards...

I had heard that before as well. As much as I loved my mom, she was also the one who had told me that while there were many, many beautiful young women out there who were willing to marry successful but ordinary looking men of any age, there were very few men who were willing to marry successful women in their late twenties.

She had left it out, but I knew what she had really meant to say was...very few men are interested in marrying successful, but ordinary looking, women in their late twenties.

My mom loved me as much as any mother loved a daughter, I knew that. She had even advocated for me to become a doctor when my dad was a bit hesitant because of how expensive medical school was. But she was also a realist, and in her mind giving this real-world advice to me was supposed to help me survive in this world. Except, it just created an inner turmoil that I had found impossible to suppress.

Why do parents do this? Push you to be your best self, but then hold you back when you don't fit society's mold.

Over the years I had become pretty good at burying myself in work to escape these negative thoughts, so I logged on to my computer in the residents room and pulled up the charts of my patients so I could quickly go over them before rounds. Work was my refuge, the busier I was at work the happier I was with my life, because I had no time to listen to the pessimistic voice in my head.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and looked up to see who it was.

"Omar?"

Oh great! Look, its my 'friend'...who only adds to the turmoil inside me.

"Sorry Madi...I was calling you...you didn't answer me..."

"Oh...I'm sorry, I was thinking about something..."

He had a printed copy of a patient's test result in his hand, which I assumed he had wanted to show me so I extended my hand. Except, he was still looking at me with his lips that slightly parted but then closed, as if he wanted to say something but then decided against it.

Oh for God's sake....just say it!

I hated beating around the bush, so I asked him, "What is it Omar? Just say it..."

He shook his head initially, but then said, "Madi...you look tense...and sad, I don't meant to intrude, but I hope you're ok"

Now it was my turn to look at him while holding my words back. What I really wanted to ask him was how he always managed to see right through me. But he was also the last person I wanted to share my insecurities with. So instead, I said, "I am fine...is there something you wanted to show me?"

"Yes...actually. This is Noor's chest xray report from today. Its not completely normal but looks much improved, and she has only required pressure support from the ventilator over the last 12 hours. So can we try to take her off the ventilator now?"

That was great news...the perfect news to take my mind off my own life. The fact that Noor had only required pressure support from the ventilator meant that her body was initiating every breath on its own, and the ventilator was only giving her a bit of air pressure to open up the parts of lungs that still had pus and fluid from the flu and bacterial infection. Her chest xray would not look normal for a while, but that was expected. The important thing was that it was much improved.

"I agree Omar. Let's bring it up on rounds...and hopefully we can get her off the ventilator today"

Omar nodded, but before he left, he looked at me again with concern in his eyes and a softness on his face that made me hold his gaze much longer that I normally would have.

"Madi...I know I am just a colleague, but all of last week you've been walking around looking like you are carrying the burden of the entire world. I told you I am always willing to listen, but if you don't want to talk to me, talk to someone else. There are people in the residency program you can talk to..."

I knew there were mental health resources available through the residency program, but talking with them would have no effect on the twisted reality that I lived in.

In that moment though, I had no idea what to say to Omar. I had always wished that someone would see me for who I was, and Omar had somehow become that person. I didn't know what he was to me, but he wasn't just a colleague. Not by a long shot.

Right then he was looking at me with such sincerity that I wanted to just spill my guts to him in the middle of the residents room. But I could never do that, because letting him in to my world would mean letting myself feel something for him that would just end up with me in more heartbreak.

After all, he was the successful man that many, many beautiful women would be willing to marry, just as my mom had said. Him being honest and generous, not to mention easy on the eyes, just made him all that more desirable...unlike me. So yes, I would be a fool to let him in.

"Omar, thanks for checking in on me, but honestly I am just tired...", I said to him, and even smiled at him so he wouldn't think that I was lying.

He smiled back, and said, "Well...we only have two more days of the ICU rotation left and after that, I know that I will sleep for 24 hrs straight!"

That made me laugh, and lightened my world a little bit, even if it was temporary. I was glad that our ICU rotation was ending, but then I remembered that it would also mean not being able to work with him every day.

That's a good thing Madi...you don't need the distractions! And you certainly don't need him...

She's lying!

I could see through her fake smile. I had seen her tired. The day that we had admitted Noor, she was tired. As well as the morning after our overnight call when we coded 5 different patients in a span of 6 hours and lost 3 of them.

I knew what she looked like when she was just tired.

Over the last week something else was going on with her. She was still her usual intelligent, competent self, but I had noticed her staring into space randomly. When she spoke, her voice was softer. When she smiled, her smile flitted across her face but never reached her eyes.

Madi had let it slip that her parents had agreed to let her call off the engagement. I wondered if that breakup was less than amicable, or if he had said something to her that had made her so upset. The little I knew of him had convinced me that he was quite the douchebag.

I had wanted to say something to her the whole week, but every time I thought about bringing it up I remembered my resolution to keeps things strictly professional between us. But I was also beginning to realize that was easier said than done. There was something about this woman that made me want to forget everything I had told myself: she was engaged, she was my senior resident, she was way out of my league, and most importantly I had told myself...I was not looking for any relationships.

Instead I found myself lying in bed at night, coming up with excuses for why those reasons were not valid.

1. She was engaged - not anymore

2. She was my senior resident - so what? I was still older than her. And even if I wasn't this was 2019, who says I couldn't fall for a woman older than me

3. She was way out of my league - now this was true, but as my cricket coach would say, you miss a 100% of the shots you don't take...was it worth taking a shot at a relationship with her?

4. I was not looking for any relationships - the only reason this had made it on to my 'list' was because I didn't want to get distracted by her. However, lying in bed thinking about the pros and cons of breaking my resolution kind of defeated the whole purpose.

That morning I had seen her quietly take sign out from the overnight team and then sit at a workstation, staring at the computer screen for almost 5 minutes before she finally logged on. I was going to bring up taking Noor off the ventilator on rounds later, but when I saw her sitting like that I had to fight the urge to go over, take her in my arms and tell her that she didn't have to go through whatever she was going through all alone.

But resolution or not, neither or us were the kind of people who would be ok with a gesture like that. So, instead I printed out the chest xray report for Noor and took it to her. That at least gave me a semi-valid reason to speak to her, and tell her that she needed to talk to someone.

After joking with her about my post-ICU sleep pattern, I walked back to my work station but turned to look at her again before I sat down. She was leaning forward, with her elbows on the table and had her head buried in her hands.

That's it...to hell with professionalism...she is going to get herself or a patient into trouble if she keeps spacing out like this.

I walked back to her and said, "Madi, let's go get you some coffee"

She looked up at me with her brown eyes, and held my gaze for a few seconds, long enough for me to see that the usual spark in her eyes was replaced with a darkness that seemed to emanate from deep inside her.

"Omar, I am ok", she replied, her voice barely audible.

I crouched on the floor next to her so I was at her eye level and whispered back, "Are you really?"

She slowly shook her head, but said, "I need to look over the patients' labs for this morning"

"Look, you don't have to talk to me about what's bothering you. But someone once told me that coffee is the answer to every problem, or maybe they said that about chocolate...I can't remember"

She didn't say anything, but also didn't look away, so I continued, "I've already looked at all the numbers and have them written down on my patient notes sheet. We can discuss them on the way to the cafeteria...besides", I said, standing up again, kneeling on the hard floor wasn't exactly comfortable, "You have to show me how to make coffee properly, the last time I made it myself it tasted disgusting"

That made her lips turn up into a smile, a genuine smile, the type that showed off her perfectly aligned teeth and brightened her eyes, while accentuating her high cheekbones.

She is so pretty

I felt my face heat up and I took a deep breath to distract myself from that thought. I still had 2 more days left in this ICU, working side-by-side with her. I couldn't let my mind go there with her. Not yet...anyway.

As we walked through the hallways on our quest for caffeine and I went over all the lab work for our patients, I couldn't help but think that I could do this forever. Work with her, have coffee with her, and just be in her presence. I didn't even like coffee, but if it meant being able to spend time with her, I would drink all the coffee in the world.

Then, a sense of déjà vu hit me. I used to walk to the cafeteria like this with Noor. She would go there for chai, I for samosas. And we only talked about work, hardly ever about anything personal. But all the while, I was falling in love with her, or so I thought, and she didn't even know it.

And even if I had never been in love with Noor the way I thought I was, the pain of her walking away, and the sense of betrayal was very real.

I tried to focus on my patients' labs, but it was too late. The questions were already swirling in my head: What if I am repeating history? What if despite the connection I think I have with Madi, all of this is just in my head, like it was with Noor? What if Madi is sad because she is in love with someone else? What if she never sees me as anything more than a friend/colleague? Do I have it in me to go through all of this again?

I just got over a heartbreak. How stupid could I be to let myself be set up for another? Maybe, there was a reason my brain had made a resolution to stay away from anything but a professional relationship with Madi. Maybe, I need to listen to my brain...because clearly my heart cannot be trusted!

We had finished talking about our patients by the time we reached the cafeteria.

"Should I make coffee for you?", Madi looked at me with a bright smile on her face that I hadn't seen in a while.

I was glad she felt better, but my mind had made a simple equation: Coffee = a relationship > just a colleague.

No...I can't have coffee with her...and I can't be anything more than a colleague to her, or a friend at best.

"You know what, I'll just get a Mountain Dew, to be honest I am not really into coffee. I was just trying to be a good colleague and friend...and...uh...give you a change of scenery", I told her.

For some reason her facial expression changed instantly, as if she was disappointed in me.

"Its ok Madi, not everyone likes coffee. Don't look so disappointed in me", I smiled at her, but her expression did not change.

With a straight face, she replied, "Just get your Mountain Dew, and let's go"

Our walk back to the ICU was an awkward mix of silence and repetition of the patient labs we had already discussed. Madi's stoic expression had not changed since the cafeteria, leaving me to wonder if I had said or done something wrong. We had just had a great month together, I didn't want to spend the last two days with her upset at me for something I wasn't even sure I had done.

So I decided to just ask her, "Madi, did I offend you somehow?"

She stopped in the middle of the hallway to look at me, and then sighed, "No...no Omar, you did not offend me. I am just angry at myself"

"Why?"

She shook her head, but didn't look at me, "It doesn't matter. Let's just get ready for rounds, ok? I am going to go check on Noor, and I'll see you in a bit"

Without waiting for me to reply, Madi walked off in a different direction from the residents room, leaving me baffled again. Over the last hour, I had seen her go from sad to happy to emotionless/angry to sad.

Is she on her period?

That would have been a weird thought for any other man, but I knew the physiological basis of premenstrual syndrome so this was just a medical fact for me.

Maybe that's all this is...Hope she feels better soon!

--------------------------------------------