Omar

"Hey Omar, I assume you eat veggie or fish only?", the residency program's secretary asked me as she stood outside the noon conference room, next to the lunch table.

Before I could reply she continued, "I am so sorry...we always have a vegetarian option but the restaurant messed up our order and send two platters of chicken sandwiches, instead of one of chicken and one of veggie"

"Oh don't worry about it! I had a big breakfast, so wasn't too hungry anyway", I replied to her.

That wasn't exactly true, I had actually woken up late that morning and had only managed to grab a cup of free coffee from the residents lounge before going to clinic. But, so far I had managed to eat only halal or veggie foods in the US, and didn't want to give up on that resolve, or make the secretary feel bad.

So, I walked in to the conference room and sat down in the last row, and looked around to see if I knew anyone there. I had just finished my ER rotation and the shifts had been so brutal that I had basically walked in to the ER and walked out 8 hrs later, without being able to go anywhere else in the hospital or meet any of my co-interns. Now that I was on my outpatient clinic rotation, today was the first day that I had actually been able to make it to noon resident teaching conference. I recognized a couple of other interns, but no one that I was friendly enough with to strike up a conversation.

But then I noted a familiar figure who had just entered the room with a neatly pulled back ponytail. Her back was towards me when I saw her, but I could recognize that ponytail anywhere.

Which is weird because you've only met her once, or twice if you count the encounter at the hospital entrance!

You could almost feel the energy change in that room as Dr Ahmed was immediately surrounded by several residents and interns. I couldn't tell what she was saying but it must have been important, because everyone was listening to her intently and nodding along, as if she was a queen bee. My dad used to say "You can never demand respect, you can only command it"

And she sure was commanding it in that room...

I hardly knew her, but in that moment, watching her made me happy. For a desi physician, that too a female, to be so obviously revered by her colleagues was a source of pride for me.

OK...new life goal...be so good at what you do that you command respect, like Dr Ahmed!

The noon conference's lecture was on common respiratory viruses, and since I had done my PhD on that topic, I figured I knew enough about it to let myself think back to my ER rotation instead. It had been an interesting experience, despite the absolute exhaustion I had felt. Dr Ahmed had been right, I was not a surgery resident, yet I did many of the procedures and interventions that any surgical resident would have.

Procedures such as stopping blood flow from deep wounds, sewing up nasty cuts, putting in chest tubes to drain blood from the lungs...all required me to use my hands. But there was also a component of using your brain and coming up with a list of diagnosis that could be causing the current problems. I had never had to use my math skills as much as I had during the last month; whether to titrate the insulin in a patient in diabetic coma, or figure out precisely how much sodium and potassium to give a 90 year old with failing kidneys. Some of my patients had liked me so much that they had given me glowing reviews. So over all, it had been a far more rewarding experience that I had ever imagined it to be.

I silently laughed at myself. I seemed to always get enamored by my very first experience of any kind. I was captivated by the field of surgery which was my very first rotation in medical school, I really, really liked Emergency Medicine which was my very first rotation in residency, and I had fallen in love with Noor who was my first real female friend.

Noor...

I closed my eyes...not again!

After doing so well last month, how could I have let myself think about her again? I had actually dared to hope that I was finally over her.

I sat up in my chair and shook my head, hoping that action would prevent her from my entering my mind again. The busy ER rotation had almost made me forget that she was in the same institution as me. But thinking of her now had bought back all my memories of us over the years.

Suddenly, I wished I could tell her all about my experience in the ER. I missed her...and I missed talking to her. I took a deep breath, wondering if I would ever get rid of this feeling inside me. A feeling that something was missing, and no matter what I did to fill that void, nothing worked.

Well...I just have to figure out a way to keep moving forward, one step at a time.

I looked at my watch, and saw that there were only about 20 mins till my clinic started and I realized how hungry I was. When I looked up, I saw Dr Ahmed leave the room, with her phone to her ear.

Hmm...if she can leave early, I guess so can I. Besides, I still want to apologize to her about my behavior in the ER.

So I got up and followed her out. She was standing in the corner of the hallway with her back towards me, and I couldn't hear what she was saying. I figured it was a work call, so I took a few steps towards and then waited for her to finish her call. I made sure to stay a respectful distance away, just in case it wasn't a work call.

When she got off the phone a couple of minutes later and turned around, she had closed her eyes and let out a loud sigh, still oblivious to me standing there. I tried to retreat discreetly, because clearly this was a private moment for her, but she opened her eyes and looked straight at me, "What do you want Dr Khan?"

For a second I forgot why I was even standing there, she really had a knack of flustering me. It was probably those dark brown eyes peering through the thick eyelashes, that seemed to draw me in for some reason if I looked straight at them. Or maybe it was the aura of confidence that she carried with her, which made be question my judgement.

But then I remembered...

"Oh, please call me Omar...umm, I just wanted to apologize for what happened in the ER..."

She raised an eyebrow at me and said, "What happened in the ER?"

If she doesn't remember, is it even a good idea to remind her?

She was still staring at me, so I decided to be truthful, "I didn't realize that you were the senior resident and then called you by your first name..."

"Oh that! Whatever...apology accepted"

Ok then...mission accomplished, time to go!

But then she lowered her eyes and rubbed her temples with her fingers, which made me pause. Something was bothering her, and it didn't seem like it was me, at least for now. I wondered who she was talking to on the phone, and then I remembered the man who had been arguing with her at the hospital entrance. Who was he? Boyfriend? Fiancé? Husband? I didn't like the way he had spoken to her or the way she seemed so uncomfortable, so I had decided to offer her a way out, if she wanted. But his words had made it seem like they were romantically linked somehow.

I wasn't one to usually pry into other people's affair, but she seemed so disturbed I couldn't help but ask, "Dr Ahmed, are you ok? You seem upset"

She looked at me, and her facial expression softened, "My fiancé and I had a big fight, and he wants to make up now...I kind of feel like we keep getting in to this cycle"

Then almost immediately she seemed embarrassed, "I am sorry...I don't know why I said that out loud. You don't even know me!"

And she was right, I didn't really know her and I wasn't expecting her to actually confide anything in me, a simple yes or no would have been a sufficient answer to my question. I mean, desi men are not exactly known to be in touch with their inner feelings or know what to do with anyone else's feelings!

So now I stood there looking like a lost cow because I was the last person on earth who should be giving anyone relationship advice. Noor and I never fought, yet here I was. So clearly fighting itself didn't mean anything.

"No...that's ok. I asked...and...relationships need time...sometimes..."

Did that sentence even make sense?

Something must have made sense to her though because she smiled at me and said, "Maybe we need to hit the reset button. I am Madi, nice to meet you Omar. Do you want to grab something from the food court?"

So, I can call her Madi now?

Wait...how did she know I hadn't eaten anything?

She must have seen the question mark on my face because she added, "I noticed that you didn't eat the chicken sandwiches either"

She noticed me? Huh!

Hopefully, that means she doesn't think of me as a complete imbecile!

I was hesitant to go to the food court. That was one of the few places that was shared between the children and adult hospitals, and for that reason I had avoided it like the plague. But I also didn't want to explain why I was avoiding it to Dr Ahmed...or, Madi. Besides it was towards the end of the lunch hour anyway, and I would need a maximum 10 minutes or so to grab something and get out of there.

So I followed her to the food court, putting my faith in the the laws of probability which would suggest that me running in to Noor was a highly unlikely scenario.

However, it doesn't take a mathematician to tell you that even a 0.0001% chance, is not the same as a 0% chance. Especially, if you miscalculate the probability equation which is based on chance encounter, because you didn't realize that perhaps the only two Muslim, desi, woman trainee physicians in the institution would actually know each other, and hence seek out each other even in a crowded food court.

"Madi!!"

I froze as I heard a familiar voice behind me. A voice that I had longed to hear for so many, many months.

I could see Madi turn and extend her arms towards that voice...

"Oh my God!! It's been so long!!", there was a pause, "Wow! You look absolutely radiant!"

"Aww...thank you!!" the voice replied.

Then there was silence, and I realized that I was standing completely still in the middle of the food court, with a lone sandwich in my hand. I could feel the women staring at my back, and I almost walked off without turning, except that Madi called out to me.

"Omar, this is my friend and a pediatric resident here...Noor..."

When I heard the voice softly say, "Omar?", I knew there was no escape.

So I turned to confront her, with my heart pounding in my chest and my mouth completely parched.

"Hey Noor..."

How is she even more beautiful than I remember her? And Madi was right...she looked absolutely radiant.

"Hey...", her voice was still soft, and almost hesitant, as if she was searching for words.

I saw her hand move over abdomen, and that's when I realized why she looked so different, and so radiant. She was pregnant, with his child.

But then almost immediately I felt embarrassed at reacting to her the way I had, and for thinking about her as anything more than a pediatric colleague and Madi's friend. Of course, she would be pregnant...she was married, and I always knew she had looked forward to being a mother.

Madi, who was clearly oblivious to our history, chimed in, "Aren't you two from the same medical school in Pakistan?"

Noor smiled at her, and then at me, "Yes, we know each other..."

That's it? We know each other? How about...he was in love with me and I broke his heart.

I needed to get out of there, immediately, "I am getting late for clinic..."

"Of course...it was good to see you, Omar", Noor said quietly. I nodded and walked away as fast as I could.

It was tough seeing her, but for some reason, seeing her pregnant had hit me a lot harder than I ever expected it to. And then, I realized why...with a child on the way, the 0.0001% chance of us ever being together that a part of me had been hanging on to had suddenly become a 0% chance. I would never have come between her and her husband anyway, but with a baby on the way even if there was a chance I wouldn't take it.

Then I remembered my mom's words, "Their love marriage will never last...", and I made a mental note to reprimand my mom strongly, if she ever said that again. Words matter, and whether it was superstition or the fact that her reputation was being maligned in certain social circles in Pakistan, Noor was going to be an excellent mother and I was not going to let her and her child suffer any consequences because my parents had such antiquated ideas.

Maybe this is the last straw...maybe I will finally be able to let her go, and move on.

Then I remembered...I had said those words to myself many times before. Maybe this time will be different.

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