"This apartment has nice windows that will let in plenty of sun during the long, dark winters!", the realtor said, smiling at me.

"Yeah...I'll be moving from Wisconsin, I know all about those long, dark winters!", I replied, smiling back at her.

"So what do you think?"

"Umm...its not bad, but give me a second, I need to check something...", I walked into the bedroom as I pulled out my phone. She probably thought that I was checking out the closet space or something, but I was actually typing in an address into Google maps. Then I selected the second address as 'Current Location' and let the GPS do its thing. The apartment I was standing in right now was a 40 minute walk from the other address, 25 minutes by car and was on the opposite side of the hospital complex.

Ok...this will have to do...

"I'll take it...", I told the realtor as I stepped back in to the living room.

After she left, all the signed paperwork in hand, I sat down on the carpeted floor in the corner of my newly rented apartment's living room and leaned my head against the wall wondering if i had made the right decision.

In retrospect, I didn't think I had a choice. I had till 5 pm that day to decide whether or not to accept the Internal Medicine position at the University Hospital of Illinois, in Chicago. By 2 pm I still had not received any acceptances from other major academic centers in the country. So at 2:05 pm I rang up a couple of my medical school alumni friends and asked them how much of a setback it would be for my plan to be a physician-scientist if I chose to go to a rural hospital program instead of Chicago. Of course, I left the part out about Noor being there too, so I was met with unanimous confusion.

"Uh...Omar, why are you even considering anything other than moving to Chicago?"

Because I am trying to do everything I can to stay away from my ex...

My next step had been to try and map out where the adult and pediatric hospitals were in relation to each other. I had seen them when I had visited Noor a few weeks after she had agreed to my proposal. The two buildings were a couple of blocks apart but other than being connected at the 3rd level where there was a food court, and the 10th and 11th floors where the surgical rooms were located there was no other connection between the buildings. So if I stayed within my own building and avoided the food court, I would very likely never have to see Noor.

Besides I was going to be there for a year only! As soon as surgery residency spots open, I am going to make sure I apply to every place other than Chicago...

So at 4:55 pm that day, when I still hadn't received an acceptance from another top tier program, I had taken a deep breath and replied to the email from University Hospital of Illinois.

'Dear Ms. Whitley,

Thank you for offering me the position in your program. I am really excited to be part of such a prestigious hospital.

Regards,

Omar Khan'

With that email and unbeknown to me, I had sealed my fate.

I had thought about this decision long and hard that day, yet I couldn't get rid of the guilt that had been gnawing at me from the inside. I felt guilty that it had been almost a year since Noor had broken it off, and she was a married woman now, but I still couldn't stop thinking about what we could have had.

I felt guilty that despite knowing that she had not done anything wrong, other than fall in love and have the courage to stand up for it, her honor had been dragged through the mud by my family. It probably hadn't affected her here in the US, but back home I knew that her parents and my parents shared much of the same social circle. And I couldn't imagine that this hadn't affected them.

I felt guilty about duping a friend into giving me Noor's current address. I had told this alumni friend, who lived in Chicago, that I needed to return some of Noor's books and for obvious reasons did not want to meet her in-person. In reality, I just needed to know where she lived because I wanted an apartment as far away from her as possible, but also not too far from the hospital. Maybe that was just a practical step I needed to take...so I shouldn't feel too guilty.

But there was something else as well...

I unlocked my phone and opened my messaging app.

'Omar, it has been really nice talking to you. I apologize if this seems too forward of me, but I hope we can continue to talk. I think our parents were right in setting us up. Farah'

My mom and dad had introduced me to a young woman in Pakistan. She was one of the several women whose house they had visited on their quest to arrange my marriage. She was nice looking, and we had chatted a few times on the phone. She always came across as quite peppy. Not that there was anything wrong with being lively and high-spirited, but from the few conversations we had so far I could tell that she hadn't had much life experience.

Do I really want to bring a 22 year old to this country away from her family, just to be left all alone at home while I am busy with my work? Maybe the better question is...should I be marrying someone when I haven't gotten over my ex-fiancé yet?

So then I felt guilty about stringing along this young woman, just to appease my parents. She deserved better than that. All women deserved men that were actually interested in them. I knew I needed to talk to my parents, even though they may just disown me completely. I really had not been acting like the perfect son they thought they had.

I put my phone away and decided to take a walk outside. Summer in Chicago was a beautiful time. The temperature was just right, not too hot and with a cool breeze blowing from Lake Michigan. And the sights and sounds of the city instantly lifted my spirits. The sidewalks were full of tourists and locals alike, the streets were packed with cars and of course given my background, I couldn't help but notice the ambulances that periodically sped past me towards the ER at the University Hospital of Illinois.

In just a short 2 weeks from now, I would be living in one of the most exciting cities in the world, and working at one of the best hospitals in the country, even if its not in my first choice of residency program. But being at a top-tier hospital would definitely help me get into a good surgery residency program later. After the year I had just had, the future was actually starting to look slightly less dim...maybe even borderline bright.

Much to my parents' disappointment though, I still could not see myself sharing that future with anyone. Not even a peppy young woman, who was interested in me. 

It was time to do the right thing.

'Ami, please call me when you get a chance...I have come to a decision about getting married'

She is not going to like my decision, but I cannot mess up someone else's life because I can't fix my own.

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