Just before I could take a step further, Rabia stopped me. She handed me a key and a paper.

"Here is the key and a note with an adress written on it, also a bit money for the taxi. Its our parent's house in Istanbul. Go there, I think its the best for both of you to have some air. There are a lot of security guards there, don't ask me why, but I will inform them" she said looking guiltily at me. I took it everything and nodded, unable to even whisper anything. I turned around and walked away. I felt nothing inside. I felt cold but didn't complain. I waitd for a taxi and when it came, I gave the driver the address and made my way to the house.

I looked up at the tall man who was wearing nothing but black and had sunglasses on. If it was a normal day, I would've been scared but right then I didn't care. He looked friendly though.

"Merhaba Mrs. Osman, you can go inside. Another guard went to take food and Ms. Osman said that you can find clothes in the drawer." he said and I nodded. He stepped aside and I made my way inside. I didn't even look around, I couldn't care less. The only thing I knew was that the house was little. Very little to have security. But as I said, I didn't care at the moment. I made my way to the bathroom and did wudu. Then I went over to a room with a bed and drawer and looked in it to find a long skirt and a scarf. When I found one and wore it, I grabbed another sweater to use that as a prayer mat. After a long time of praying, I sat down and opened my hands. No tears, no feelings,.. no Aneel. It was only me and Allah.

"Ya Allah.. I know I haven't been a good person to earn Jannah, to earn everything you give and gave me. I know that I am, and was, so weak. I couldn't find you. I was so lost, yet I felt so close to you. Allah, I know that I did nothing to ask anything from you, but for the sake of my love towards you. Please, please guide me. I really want to be a good person. I really want to be someone to be proud of. Please give me a light to find you. I am so lost in the darkness I can't help myself out. Help me.. Ya Allah, you know what's on the inside of me. You know what I think. Do you think I should do it? Or can't I change destiny? Is it my destiny? But what if you gave it just for me to end it? To learn from it and throw it far away? Ya Allah, please guide me. Without you, I can't become what I want. Without you, I will be lost in the darkness forever. Ya Allah, I love you so much.. Please, please help me.. Give me a sign." I prayed the whole time. It was like I had to do it. I prayed for everything and for everyone.

"Thank you" I said to the guy who gave me bags full with food. He just nodded and went outside again. I wondered if they ever slept or ate. I reminded myself that I would cook for them too when I was going to eat something. Not that I was hungry. That was the last thing I could think about. I changed into pajamas that I found and made my way over to the couch and turned the TV on. It's not that I wanted to watch it, it was just so quiet. I was used to it though but I just felt weird without a sound. I was even happy if it was just Aneel screaming at the m- No, no more Aneel. I think I knew the answer of the question I had asked Allah. I was going to quit it. This couldn't work. No one has to be with someone who makes them unhappy. And we make each other unhappy. I looked at the screen and saw that boyband group. What was their name? Oh yeah, One Direction. I never understood why all the Desi people liked that Malik Zack guy. I mean, it doesn't even look like he is 'Proud to be Pakistani' or 'Proud to be Muslim'. With that thought, my eyes closed forcefully. I tried to open them but it wouldn't work. 'Don't judge people. Only Allah can judge people. None of us are flawless. Only Allah knows the inside of each of us. You can't know, don't judge. Maybe Allah loves the person you judged so much. You can't know, don't judge. Maybe because of all the flaws that person will become a better person with a strong Iman. You can't know, don't judge', that voice said and with that I felt bad. It was so true. I have so many flaws myself that I can't even count it, why'd I judge other people?

I was sitting on the bed with the phone in my hand. I made up the decision and re-thought about it now for millions of times. Allah, if it's good, let her pick up. If it's not, please let her not answer, I prayed in my head and took a deep breath. I dialed her number and waited for her to pick up. Deep inside my head, I didn't want her to pick up. I gasped when I heard a voice on the other side of the line. Okay, this was it. I made the decision, and nothing could've turned me away from it.

"Salaam Aisha, I need you to find me a lawyer. For the divorce" I said letting go of the breath I didn't know I was holding...

~~~~~~

Final Editing Done (27-10-2016)