I typed in a few words that were about what had happened to me but nothing useful came up. Then I decided to try 'voice Allah misses you', but again, nothing. I thought for a second to find another way to find out about the voice that I heard. 'Allah about committing suicide' I typed in. It hurt to write that, it felt weird. I was still in shock from my outburst and I was sure I was going to have a nightmare about it. I was scrolling down and there was a lot of information. People who had posted their stories, explanations of why someone would commit suicide. It made me realize what I was about to do. I was scrolling down the entire time. The depression of the people and the things they had been feeling made me feel so bad. It made me realize what I was about to do. The fact that I had to explain it to Allah after committing was the worst. How could I do this? How was I going to explain this to Allah? He would never forgive me if I did. I felt so worthless, I mean I couldn't even make Allah proud. I read another one that was on a Islamic page.

"Suicide in the Quran:

It shall not change anything if you killed yourself because it is Allah who decides what shall happen and whatever humans do cannot change what Allah has decided. "

See Quran 22:15

Did this explain why I couldn't kill myself? Was this the reason of the voice? I mean if Allah decides everything, and if He didn't want me to die today, I was not going to die. Now it made a little sense. But I still wanted an answer on whose voice it was. I scrolled down for a little more, wanting to know everything. I came to a blog from someone who wrote about committing suicide. I started reading.

"Dear sister or brother,

Life is short. Life is hard. Life is love. Life is hate. Life is you. Life is me. Life is everything that breathes. Life is everyone who died. Life is life. Allah knows the best. So He didn't create the world for nothing. It is all a test. Be patient and be on the way of Islam. If you have lost the way, just ask Allah to guide you to your home. Don't run from your problems, face them. When you face it in this dunya, maybe you don't have to face it in the life after death. Allah has created everything with a good reason, even you. Allah spent his time on you. Allah made you unique. Allah loves you, cause you are His creation and has to adore Him. He gave you everything you have and took everything from you with a good reason. Be patient and be strong. Remember that the help of Allah is obtained with patience, and relief emerges after distress. Prosperity follows adversity and hardship is followed by ease. Never forget the Prophet's words, peace be upon him. When Allah gives you something bad, it means that you didn't talk to Allah for a while and He is missing you, He is testing you if you are going to ask the good from Him. Death isn't the right way. It is haraam. You can't hurt Allah by hurting his creation. Be strong, and everything will be alright...."

Tears were streaming down my face. How could I be so blind and selfish? I was going to take away the life Allah had given me. For a moment, I felt special when I read that He made me unique and that He loved me. Though it was washed away when the words of my parents came up to my mind. I was so into the memories that I didn't hear Aneel coming out of the room. I looked around and saw the clock. It was already morning, and I hadn't slept at all.

"I'm going" he said without looking at me. He made his way to the kitchen and grabbed some food.

"Do you want me to make you something?" I asked. I felt like making him food so we could have breakfast together. It was just a small gesture.

"I don't want something from your dirty hands and what the hell happened to your face. Look at yourself" he said looking disgustful at me and walked out of the door. I felt tears prickle my eyes but they were already gone before even falling. I was used to these words so I wasn't shocked when he said them. And besides, why should one cry because of the truth? I sighed and made my way to the bathroom. Looking at myself in the mirror, even I was scared so I understood what Aneel meant. Make-up was everywhere but where it was supposed to be. My hair was so wild that it had been running to all places. I walked back towards his room and grabbed my clothes out of the closet. Weird that they had put my clothes here, even though I was staying in a different room.

I ate some food and sat down after taking off the stupid dress and a shower. It was nearly evening, I knew, but I was just used to eat late. I used to get little food for breakfast and sometimes not even dinner so I always sneaked out in the middle of the night to eat some leftovers. When I was about to go to bed I heard the front door. Someone stepped inside and I thought it was Aneel. Then I heard something breaking so I made my way over to it. Aneel almost fell down and the smell of alcohol hit me like a truck. It was disgusting and it brought back so many memories. He was drunk and he was going to punch me. I knew it. It is what my brother always did. What my father always did. My hands became sweaty but I ignored it. He looked at me for a long time and made his way over to me. I brought automatically my hands to my face in defense. He looked with wide eyes at me before smirking.

"I can punch you till you die" He said still smirking. I made no move, scared that he would explode. If I moved or said anything, he would start it. That was always what happened.

"Say something" he said, wanting to take some reaction out of me. Tears began to purr my eyes. I let out the breath I was holding.

"What do you want me to say?" I said quietly. He just looked at me and tried to make his way to the bedroom but he fell. I sighed and helped him up and brought him to his bed. I was scared that he would do something to me but he didn't. I took his shoes off and gave him an extra blanket. After that I went to my room and jumped on my bed, letting myself drift to sleep.

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Final editing done (24-08-2016)