A I N A A T

Sometimes my mind just didn't know what to think, it remained blank. So, so many things whirled inside my head, my thoughts going haywire, but none of it somehow made sense. There was a whole chaos of thoughts, and yet, I didn't understand one bit of it. Sometimes life surprises people in the most cruel of ways, with unexpected things. But this? This was something we expected, didn't we? I did. He knew I did. And yet, not a word from him. Not a word.

I checked my phone for the nth time, letting out a sigh when my notifications remained bland. No message from him. I hadn't seen him since morning, not when my parents came to take me home, not when Ammi had asked for him, nowhere to be seen. I looked up as the door opened, keeping the phone upside down, and smiled at Husna.

I was to stay at my parents for the remainder of my pregnancy, and a part of me wished Zaidaan would stay with me the whole time too, but he wasn't even replying to my texts, let alone staying with me. Allah knew where he was, but I was beginning to get pissed.

"How's my lil champ?"

Husna asked, as she climbed on the bed, settling down write infront of me while I leaned back on the pillow behind me, placing a hand on my belly, rubbing it over,

"You can ask about the champ's momma too, you know?" I joked, and Husna rolled her eyes, patting Mehek's back as she stirred in her sleep beside me.

"Mamma is glowing," she replied back, smiling, "Ma sha Allah."

She reached out and took my hand in hers, playing with my fingers, "Kainaat," she started

"Hmm?"

"Sab theek hai na?" (Everything's alright, yes?)

I looked at her, analyzing her features. I could never lie to Husna. It had been ages since I and Husna got some 'our' time, she being busy with her academy- which was rapidly becoming the talk of the town, ma sha Allah, and everything going on with me, we'd not had any deep conversations in a long while.

I placed a hand above hers, giving her a tight-lipped smile, knowing full well that she had sensed something and was worried,

"Yes, Husn. I'm good, alhamdulillah."

She smiled back, "Good, because I just told Khalifa Bhai to order Pizza."

"Pizza!" we heard a chorus behind us, and I smiled as Sahil and Muskaan came in my view, their toys in one hand, while the other cradled a box of lego. Sahifa had exams coming up, and she was yet to be seen out of her room, her nose forever in her books. Fariyal was in the kitchen with Mamma and Saher Bhabhi, and Mehek slept beside me. Dadijaan was in her room, which was beside the one I was staying in right now because I couldn't climb the stairs.

Husna got up to help the kids settle down in one corner, and once she had made sure they were settled, she came back to her original position,

"Dadijaan was saying you were sleepy, and she told me to check up on you." she randomly stated.

I hmm-ed a response, before letting out a sigh, "What's up, Husna?"

She eyed me wearily, "Why do I feel like that isn't a generic question, rather pointing at something specific?"

Despite myself, I grinned at her, "If you already know what I mean, just agree and answer me honestly."

She averted her eyes, and I adjusted the pillows behind me, sitting straighter as a sharp pang shot through my back. I managed to veil it, and then cleared my throat,

"The first thing Mamma and Dadijaan told me right after reaching here was about you," I saw her let out a breath, as she looked at the wall opposite to us while I continued, "I've heard about the countless proposals you've been rejecting, and look, I know why, but I'm still going to ask you, why don't you just tell them?"

Husna played with the rings in her hand, "What do you want me to tell them when I haven't even met, seen or talked to the guy in the past five to six years? How will they know, and even if they agree, what about his side?"

"Husn," I called out, "why all these doubts now? You were the one who always told all of us to forever believe in our dua'as, even if we don't see any chance of it being accepted. You told us to pray for what we want, without worrying about how it will happen, because making it happen is Allah's job, our biggest dreams and his tiniest 'kun', then why?"

"Kainaat, I'm not doubting my prayers. I trust Allah, I trust His plans, but..."

"But?"

She let out a sigh, "I don't know..." she trailed off, looking away. I saw her gulp, "It's just that, it's been so long. And Dadijaan...well, there's this one rishta she's fixed upon. The other day she was telling me that sometimes, somethings happen when we least expect it. She was saying that my marriage would be one of those things. She then proceeded to talk about this guy, and I didn't pay much heed to it. But she keeps bringing it up, tells me that he's perfect for me. He's a hafez too. And I'm just...so confused."

I stared at her, before shaking my head, "You can't, and won't, take a decision because Dadijaan likes the guy. She loves you, she wants you to be happy. Will this make her happy?"

She looked my way, pursing her lips, "I don't know."

She closed her eyes, and suddenly her face looked so many years older, as if her soul was beyond tired. I had never seen Husna like this, not once had she been in doubt of anything. She dipped her head low, her chestnut hair falling down the side of her face, her dupatta slipping down her frail shoulder,

"I don't know Kainaat. I know I always tell you to never doubt your prayers, but what if this duaa is something that was just a zariya, a path, for me to get closer to Allah. What if this is a test? How do I know? There's just a part of me that keeps whispering, it just..." she let out a shaky breath, "This started after Dadijaan told me 'some things in life look like they are ours, but they are just a test from Allah. Allah wants to see if we love that thing more or Him. Sometimes, when we love something more than we should, and if that thing starts becoming a threat to us unknowingly, then Allah, out of His love for us, takes away that thing.' and I don't love anything more than Allah, but it made me think, what if Allah has something much better planned and it is me who isn't accepting it?

Then, I suddenly remembered the night of Mamma-Abbu's accident. I had desperately prayed in those two nights when they were fighting to live. I had desperately praayed in that last meeting with Mamma, I still remember she told me 'Allah will test you with what you love the most, but you must, at every cost, love Allah more. Never lose hope in Him, never stop praying.' It was one of the last things she told me, and I just got a sudden thought, what if it is my test to let this go, Kainaat? What if it was all a test? I'm scared.

And then, when I started praying for this, so shaken with everything in my mind, shaytan whispered in my heart that I had prayed beyond belief for Mamma and Baba to live, but they didn't. So if that duaa of mine didn't get accepted, then why will this? and I know, I know, I know, Kainaat, I know I shouldn't think like that. I know it was extremely bitter and ungrateful. You don't know how bad the guilt followed me after that. I spent nights repenting for that one thought.

All these things, one after the other, they shattered me and my faith, and even if I'm a bit stable now, and I know my faith is even more stronger now, I've decided that I'll just...let Allah work this out. I know I hadn't been very daring with this whole thing but I just...don't know. I'm leaving it to Allah. If this will hurt me, then Allah will heal me. I'll let things happen on their own now. If it is meant to be, Allah will bring it to me. Allah knows what's in my heart, Allah knows how much I want this, and He knows the best."

When she stopped, she placed a hand over her mouth, her eyebrows furrowing as a tear left her eye. This was Husna. My Husna, crying silently. Nobody probably even noticed so much was going inside her. For someone who kept her faith above anything else, I couldn't even begin to understand how much it broke her to have such thoughts. She was right in her own way, and she seemed to know what she was doing, but I couldn't help but worry.

Ya Allah, heal my Husna's heart, and accept every prayer of hers. Ya Allah, never allow her Imaan to shake, Aameen.

I reached out and engulfed her in a hug, resting her head on my chest as I rubbed soothing circles on her back. This was probably months of keeping it all in that she finally vent out to me, and I just wished she didn't have to keep it in. I wish she could've talked to someone about this, but I know she didn't, and now she had made up her mind.

"I love you, Husn, you know that. And I want you to know that you did nothing wrong. You've been the strongest person ever, and you have gone through this fluctuation of faith with utmost patience. I don't even know how long you had kept this in, but I do know that you have come out stronger, both in faith and emotionally. I know you, and I trust you with your decisions, but pray istikhara before anything. You're never alone, okay? Chachi and Chachu are so proud of you, Allah loves you, and I'm always..." my words faltered, but this was not the time, "I'm a-always there for you and with you."

I wiped my own tears as I clutched her closer to me, "I will always be there."

We didn't know how long we stayed like that, but when she pulled away, both of us wiped our tears, looked at each other, and let out a small laugh,

"This tiny champ in there didn't like us hugging, he or she kept kicking as if they wanted to push me away, I felt those kicks so clearly, ma sha Allah!"

I laughed along with her, "Alhamdulillah."

And no matter what, we would always be just fine, as long as we trust Him and His plans.

Every trial you're facing right now, every thorn pricking at the scars of your heart, every tear that leaves your eyes- Allah knows. All these difficulties and trials will one day make so much more sense. A few days or months or years later when you look back, you will realize just how necessary it was to go through it, to grow through something like that.

Every breath we take is a promise from Allah that He will make things okay. We weren't promised ease in this duniya, but He promised us ease after every hardship, twice.

The key here is to have faith and patience. Emaan and Sabr, and never stop hoping from Allah. Pray, for no matter how bad the situation is- his one 'Kun' and everything falls into place.

Our biggest dreams, His tiniest 'Kun'.

Allah's plan and timing is much, SO much better than anything we can imagine. And when the blessings finally reach us, every trial will make sense, every pain will disappear, and every wound will heal.

***

I sat hugging my knees to my chest, Zaidaan across me. I looked out the balcony doors as the rain poured down, soft songs playing from his playlist. We were sitting on the floor, me staring out, his eyes on me. I closed my eyes as the soulful music hit my ears, leaning my head against the glass door. My hair fell on my face, the ends tickling my neck. I smiled as a sigh left him, his presence enough for my heart to be at peace.

I looked at him, smiling to myself. He raised an eyebrow, knowing well I could never do that. I smiled wider, I didn't even know why I was so happy. He lowered his gaze, ran a hand through his hair, causing them to fall on his forehead.

I reached forward, my eyes focused on his hair, and pushed the stray hair to the side of his face, sliding my hands down to his cheeks and cupping his face,

"Hi,"

He closed his eyes and fought a smile, "Hey there"

He slid his arms around my waist, and in a swift motion pulled me closer, spinning me around so that my back stuck to his chest while he settled me on his lap. A gasp of surprise left me and he chuckled, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear,

"You looked happy when you were sitting there, so I want you closer."

"That doesn't even make sense, Zaid." I leaned my head on his shoulder, bending my knees to angle my legs over his stretched ones.

He kissed my forehead, "Nothing has to make sense with you."

I looked up at him, "Achha ji?"

He closed his eyes again, "Haanji."

A beat of silence passed, "Zaid?" I asked

"Hmm?"

I sighed. I had nothing to say, "Nothing,"

He looked down at me, "Pakka?"

I nodded, leaning against him and relaxing my posture. We seemed to be having a lot of those lately, silent moments. None of us minded, life was peaceful after a very long while, Muskaan was asleep and we were both quite on a standstill. I wasn't reflecting back on anything negetive, he was having so much time off work because everything was smooth, and for once it felt like peace had settled in. It had, and it made moments like these when we didn't talk even more better. I enjoyed the silence, I enjoyed being so much at peace with him, it was like a calming therapy session for me.

A few minutes later, he shifted in his position, "I have something for you"

He fished for something in his pocket, before his eyes glinted and he took out a pair of delicate, thin silver strips, rotating them in his hand before looking at me. I looked at the anklets in awe, and then turned to face him,

"These are so beautiful."

I reached out to touch them, but he pulled his hand back, out of my reach. I looked at him questioningly, and a small smile tugged his lips, before he bent over and gently placed the cold metal against my ankle. The pazeb glinted in the moonlight, and he fastened them both on each of my ankles, before straightening and looking at me,

"Now they're beautiful,"

I looked up, startled at the sound of my phone ringing, coming out of the memory that spun around my head. God, I miss him.

I picked it up without checking the caller ID, "Salaam." I muttered.

"Walikumassalam."

I paused.

Zaidaan.

I sat up, the movement causing a sharp pain to shoot up my spine. I flinched, and I heard him hiss under his breath, "Kainaat, are you okay?"

I adjusted the pillows and leaned against them, placing a hand on my belly. My baby instantly kicked, and I smiled through the pain,

"Yes. Alhamdulillah."

We were silent after that. "Did you take your medications?"

I nodded, eventhough he couldn't see me, "Yes."

"Good." I didn't reply.

"Were you sleeping?"

"Yes." that was a lie.

"Are you mad at me?"

Despite myself, I felt all my anger fading away. I remained silent. He sighed at the other end, "I'm sorry, darling."

Darling.

My conscience hated me for the words that left on an impulse, "Its okay, you don't have to apologize."

I hated myself for giving away so easily, but I had missed his voice so much that it didn't bother.

"I'm sorry,"

"It's ok-"

"I shouldn't have left you all alone like that. Its not your battle alone, its our battle, we're fighting together. I'm sorry for forgetting that. I'm...sorry."

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. "It's okay."

A beat of silence passed, and I heard him shuffle, "I'm coming to meet you."

Before I could say anything, he hung up. I closed my eyes, it was way past midnight and I was pretty sure everyone was fast asleep. I tried to move, but then decided against it. He knew what he was doing, and he'd find a way to get in. Besides, I knew very well that he, my sisters and everyone else would kill me for getting up.

Exactly half an hour later, I heard hushed whispers from outside, and in a few, Fariyal was at my door, ushering him inside. She closed the door and turned to us,

"I can't believe you're sneaking out to meet her after two kids and almost four years of marriage," she shook her head, "I'm going to sleep."

With that, before either of us could say anything, she was out.

I looked his way, and he turned to me. That was when I realised just how much I yearned his presence around me. My hands instinctly reached out to him, and he crossed the distance between us in two steps.

I melted in his arms as if someone had restricted me from breathing. A certain type of peace engulfed me, and I tightened my arms around him. He buried his head in the crook of my neck, gently pecking the side of my head,

"I missed you."

You have my heart

"I miss you," I replied instead, pulling him closer, fisting his shirt in my hands, "Don't you dare leave me."

We'll never be miles apart

His arms tightened around my waist, before he pulled back and gently lifted me up in his arms. He settled us both on the bed in a way that I was on his lap, and his hand supported my back so that I was comfortable. Despite the small pang of pain that shot up through my back, I held my breath until it faded and settled myself, resting my head on his shoulder.

And if everything blurs around

"I'm never letting go, I promise."

I'll still be in your arms

I nodded at his words, and then said,

"I promise too."

And if moments could freeze

His arms tightened around me, as if to say he knew that. But how do you tell the person you love, and the one who loves you more than anyone else, that you kept your promises even in death, when death hung over our heads?

I'll choose the one

when we were high on love

And I'll stay right there

for you to visit me

down the memory lane

Because if I still time now

I can't stay

even if I want to

***

I stood beside Kainaat as she sat in the car, before I helped her buckle in. We were now eight months far, and she often had some difficulty breathing and had recently fractured two of her lower ribs. So as I set the seat lower so her back would be leaning on it, I saw her zone out into nothingness as she looked ahead.

"Hey," I called out, giving her a small smile.

I walked back the drivers seat and settled in, taking her hand in mine as I gently kissed it,

"Let's get something. Donuts? Muskaan was asking for some too,"

She gave me a vague smile, "Yeah, let's get some."

"Do you want something else?" I further asked, giving her hand a squeeze, "Do you wanna go home first?"

She turned to face me, "No, I'll stay with you."

I could sense her mood was off, and so I nodded, playing her favourite playlist with the volume low.

Things were far from normal, nothing had improved, but Alhamdulillah the baby was fine. We were doing everything to keep Kainaat's body healthy alongside, but neither of us were giving anything more than a smile. No assurity of words. No "It will all be fine, In Sha Allah". Everything seemed blurry.

"Hey, do you remember," I started again, "on our flight to the honeymoon, when we discussed children and baby names?"

A genuine smile lit up her face, "Yes," she nodded, "And we have Muskaan and Mehek now, alhamdulillah."

I squeezed her hand again, "Alhamdulillah. So what's next?"

Her eyes glinted, "We don't know if it's a boy or a girl."

I grinned at her, "But I do remember the name you had in mind for a boy, it's like you always wanted to name your, or our, son that."