K A I N A A T

The silence which followed the call was too loud and deafening at the same time. Zaidaan was saying something, but my mind was whirling with something else.

"Kainaat, my love," he said as he took hold of my hands and engulfed them in his warm ones,

"your hands are cold, darling"

But I paid no heed s he kissed my finger tips, trying to warm me up, but I shook my head,

"Oh my God," I was shaking, "Oh my Allah, Zaid, I have to tell you something..."

My eyes clouded with unshed tears as I thought back to the last time I met Leena, the mother of two small children who yearned to meet them.

Two days back, I had just completed my shift and was heading back home when one of the nurses allowed me to meet her husband, and he had thankfully brought Leena's and his sons, Ahmed and Hammad, both below the age of six, with him. Upon enquiring, I realized that children so young weren't allowed inside after evening, some hospital policies, and I decided to take matters in my own hand. A few minutes later, I somehow managed to get them to their mother.

"Leena?" I had called out. She had just woken up, and I gave her a small smile before moving aside, allowing her sons to come into her view.

What followed next moved me to tears. Ahmed, the older one, stepped forward and kissed his mother's hands just as she burst into tears, hugging him close. Hammad started crying just as soon as Leena pulled him close, unable to control himself. I watched as Ahmed gulped down, blinked as much as he could to not cry, astounding me with his maturity. He was so small, and yet here he was gulping down his tears in front of his own mother. I stood behind the curtain, giving them a moment alone. A few minutes later, having no choice but to intrude, I called her husband in, allowing him to meet her as I took the kids out.

Once outside, I hugged Ahmed close to me, telling him his mom would be alright, and he timidly wrapped his small arms around my waist, a tear finally cascading down his cheek.

Half an hour later, I sat beside Leena and applied an ointment over the cuts on her fingers, her skin splitting like paper cuts due to chemo.

"Do you feel better?"

She had smiled in response, "Do you have kids?"

Taken aback by the counter question, I nodded, "I have two daughters."

She stared at me, and then placed a hand over mine, "You understood me so easily. Thank you so much, Kainaat."

I sighed and shook my head, "I did nothing,"

Her lips tilted upwards, but the smile was so immensely sad that my heart broke at the sight, "I pray that Allah blesses you with everything your heart desires," she'd sniffed before continuing, "and answers all your prayers."

She had no idea how big of a blessing she had just given me, and fighting back my own tears, I had muttered an 'Aameen' with her. I'd left once she asked me to, saying she was sleepy and that she needed to fall asleep.

A few minutes after that, as I walked down the almost empty halls, and passed down her ward, I noticed a small crowd, and confusion set me still. Furrowing my eyebrows, I moved ahead, only to find Leena's husband on his knees, his hands raised up to the sky, His face red and tears flowing down his face as his lips kept muttering "Ya Allah, Ya Allah, Ya Allah..."

My heart raced and I frantically looked around, not knowing what to do. I instantly went inside, taking deep breaths, gulping down the lump in my own throat.

No, no, no, no....

But the sight in front of me had confirmed my fears, and when Leena's own nurse looked at me with eyes that tore me apart, as she knew of everything, my hand flew to my mouth. I'd sunken to the corner of the room, the room suddenly going noiseless for me.

Leena was gone.

That night I hadn't slept, but I couldn't bring myself to tell zaidaan of everything that had occured.

But now as I sat here with him holding me in his arms, I didn't stop the tears, or the words that broke down while spluttering down my mouth and let the sorrow escape me.

Somehow, her duaa had probably made such a huge difference that something I had once thought was impossible, was happening.

Allah had blessed me with everything my heart desired, Allah had answered my prayers, through Leena's prayer.

It left me completely numb as to how powerful her one duaa was, or how Allah must have loved me for not giving up on my prayer, that he answered it when we least expected it. When we least thought of it.

"Kainaat is pregnant."

Kainaat is pregnant. Kainaat is pregnant.

Maysa's words ringed inside my head, and I clutched onto Zaidaan's arms tighter just as he buried his head in the crook of my neck.

Every single action of ours will return to us, kindness for kindness, and evil for evil. We sometimes forget that when we do things, no matter how small of a good thing it is, we must do it for the sake of Allah alone, to please Him. And when Allah loves an action of His Servant, He blesses them with His Utmost Blessings, in a way that leaves them speechless.

***

I stood infront of the dresser, my T-shirt halfway up, revealing the skin of my flat belly. I timidly placed a palm over, my breath hitching in my throat as I realized there was something inside down there now. Or rather, a someone.

The sunlight peaked through the curtains, highlighting my figure as I turned sideways, bending a little and placing my hands above and below my womb. I looked down, unable to feel or think anything.

It was all too surreal.

Zaidaan had kissed my forehead, and then all over my face, until his nose had turned a dark shade of red from crying. We'd held each other for Allah knows how long, but the last thing I remember was him lifting me up in his arms and tucking me in.

Just as I was admiring what lay inside me, Zaidaan walked out the washroom, hair dripping wet and trousers low on his waist. I looked at him, and then looked down, patting my stomach.

Zaidaan sighed, and I watched s his dam's apple moved up and down. He crossed the distance between us in two easy steps, before bending down and placing a hand over mine. He gently moved my hand away, placing his instead, and lightly running his fingers along my skin. Despite myself, the shivers shot up my spine and arms, and I sucked in a breath. He looked up at me, his eyes glistening, conveying to me what his words couldn't.

Zaidaan gulped, and leaned his forehead against my stomach, a few tears leaving his eyes.

I had never seen him cry so openly. He had cried when I was at the hospital after the shot, he had cried when I Muskaan had fallen extremely sick and I was all panicked, he had shed a few tears the first time Mehek said 'Dada', although it was 'dadada', but he hadn't cried this much within twelve hours.

For a weird reason, it made me feel closer to him than I ever did before.

I carressed his hair and rested my hand at the back of his neck, urging him to look at me. Zaidaan's eyes met mine, and I let out a low laugh as my own eyes watered.

It was happening.

He got up and cupped my face, wiping my tears as he leaned his forehead against mine,

"Be careful," he repeated what he told me last night, "Just be careful, I love you."

I closed my eyes and nodded, "I love you."

***

We reached Maysa after dropping Mehek and Muskaan at the play school, and I held my breath as she sat across us with a smile on her face. After asking a few questions, some tests and a little chatter, she beamed at us as she held a file in her hands.

"It's good," she started, "the reports are good, Kainaat. But I have to warn you, this is a high-risk pregnancy. I wnt you to be very careful."

I nodded, "Yes, yes. of course, is there anything to be worried?"

Maysa shook her head, "Not as of now, but I would advise you to take more rest. You'll have to...work less, Kainaat. This is crucial."

I took in a deep breath, exhaled through my nose and looked down at my hands. Zaidaan's hand snaked in and held my hand, giving it a squeeze as I gave a small smile.

It will be fine. In sha Allah.

But first, we had a few decisions to make.

***

Oddly enough, I hadn't puked, felt dizzy or was moody. None of the generic symptoms seemed to be happening, and I had no idea if it was a good thing or a bad thing.

My hand already found itself hovering over my belly unconciously, as if to protect the pea-sized cell inside.

I had a baby inside me.

Mine and Zaidaan's baby.

Ya Allah, help me, I muttered under my breath as I carried on with the day, helping the kids with their clay modeling activities. When I finally did get home with the kids, I was beyond tired. I suddenly felt as if the world's problems were on my shoulder. My heart grew heavy for no reason, and I patted Muskaan's head as she lay on my lap, Mehek fast asleep beside us.

I looked at my girls, as if just realizing they were my children, and I felt a wave of something indescribable pass over me. I pushed a lock of Muskaan's hair away from her face, overcome with the turn our life was about to take.

That night, once I'd freshened up for bed, I watched as Zaidaan ended a call in hushed whispers before walking towards the closet to change for the night. I turned to my right and placed a hand under my cheek, waiting for him to join me. The bed dipped beside me as Zaidaan pulled the duvet over us, before laying on his side so that he faced me. I smiled at him. He reached to wrap an arm around my waist and swiftly pulled me closer. I snuggled closer, inhaling his scent, feeling the peace I always felt in his embrace.

"Are you good?"

I smiled, nodding against his chest, "Alhamdulillah."

We lay like that for a while, before he said, "Will we tell everyone about this?"

I thought about it for a few seconds, and then shook my head, "No. I might sound a bit selfish, and I know everyone would be overjoyed but...I want to keep this for ourselves for a while."

He pecked the top of my head and snuggled closer, "You're not selfish for wanting this, darling. It's totally justified."

I said nothing in reply, and within a few seconds, I was fast asleep.

***

5 months later

I pulled the curtains aside and let the sunlight merge inside the dim room, stepping back and turning my head to the side. Zaidaan turned to the side, snuggling in the covers and murmuring incoherent words under his breath. His chiseled back faced me, and I smiled to myself before heading over to my side, and poking his arm,

"Zaid,"

He buried his head in the pillow and I sighed, pulling his arm now,

"Zaid!"

He held my hand in his, pulling me closer instead. I sighed at his antics and slapped his hand away, weakening his hold. That seemed to snap him out of his half slumber, and he peeked his eyes open,

"What?"

He asked, sounding absolutely groggy. I grinned in reply,

"Get up, we're leaving!"

He raised his eyebrows and blinked at me, "We literally have...so many hours left," he mumbled, and I left his side,

"No, we're leaving early, please."

The 'please' at the end obviously got to him, and I heard him sigh and the sheets ruffle as he got up. I walked out to where the girls were seated, Muskaan patiently sitting on the couch, sipping on her juice. Mehek was nibbling on her pacifier, and it seemed as if she was about to start teething soon. I looked at my girls, absolutely thankful for how peaceful they were.

Making sure there was nothing harming anywhere close to either one of them, I made my way inside our room, stopping by the dresser. I looked at my face, the eyes hollow, but happy. Features absolutely sleepless, but still glowing. I turned sideways, and tucked my hands above and beneath my now protruding belly.

The circle that formed made my heart skip a beat, for although my arms has gone thin and frail, the rings in my fingers hanging loosely, my hair being the only thing about my body that has an improved appearance. The first trimester had started showing its effects quite late, but when it did, Allah knew it was a horrible nightmare. But alhamdulillah, as of the past few weeks, it had lessened and I was a bit stable. My feet still hurt, my back was always sore and I was still endlessly tired. It hurt beyond words, but the blessing was worth it all, and even when I complained, even when my heart felt heavy, I made sure I was always grateful.

No one back home knew of my pregnancy, and it was only Zaid and I who cherished in this newfound bliss. So far, everything had gone by very smoothly, and in a blink, and I couldn't be more grateful. Praying had taken up some extra effort from my side, but come what may, there would be no way I'd miss a prayer.

And today, finally, we were heading back home.

We'd informed our families, but none of them had any clue of the news we were to bring with us.

I wished to leave early, I could barely wait to hug my mom. I watched from the corner of my eyes as Zaidaan walked out, and stopped in his tracks when he noticed me. He assessed me up and down, before sighing as he made his way to me.

His head dipped lower as his hand tucked a stray strand of my hair behind my ear,

"The IV's are wearing you down,"

A shaky breath left my lips, completely forgetting his statement as his fingers trailed lower to my collarbone,

"hmm," was all I said, as his nose snug deeper into my neck, wanting more of what was underneath.

He was right, my weight was not up to the mark to hold both me and the baby, and there was still a very long way to go. I sighed as his lips pressed closer to my earlobe, and Zaidaan looked up at me,

"Are you sure?"

I knew it without him mentioning that he was talking about us shifting back home. I glanced at the bags behind us, all set to leave and I nodded,

"Yes. I want this."

I did, I really did. As much as I wished to stay here, I wanted to go home, my heart just didn't fit here anymore. I was in two minds for weeks to decide, but ultimately when I realized I could no longer stay here and I didn't wish to stay here, and having the option and privilege, I chose to go back home.

I looked back at him, and he leaned his forehead against mine, pecking my forehead. His eyebrows furrowed as he pulled me closer, gentle as ever, his wedding band cold against the warm skin of the small of my back where he had expertly found his way. I raked a sigh against his lips, and patted his arm,

"We'll be fine,"

He gazed at me, his eyes a mosaic of emotions too deep to comprehend, "In sha Allah,"

"In sha Allah." I replied back.

Hours later, I stood outside our home, and the only reaction we first recieved were gasps of surprise and a cry of joy. Everyone was beyond shocked and overjoyed, and both our moms reminded us over and over again to read our adhkar and duaas, all of them, to protect ourselves from evil eyes. The night had started off on a joyous note that surpassed everything, and the ladies had gone to the lengths of discussing names for the baby. I'd laughed with them, talked endlessly, nursed my girls when they grew cranky but a few hours after that, I missed having Zaidaan by my side all the time.

That night, once everyone had slept, Zaidaan leaned against the counter of the kitchen, as I sipped on juice.

"We should head out," he said.

I gave him a quizzical look, "It's one a.m"

He chuckled, "Come, are you tired? Do you wish to sleep?'

I smiled at his concern, "Tired a bit, sleepy? No."

With that, he buckled me up in the car like he does for Muskaan, as if I was a child myself, and drove us for a few minutes before stopping in front of a house.

I furrowed my eyebrows, and he led us inside, turning the lights on. We weren't so far away from my in-laws' home, but this home resembled the Paris residence we'd stopped at all those years ago. I turned to look at him, and he took hold of my hand as he led me inside,

"This," he started, "is our home."

I blinked in surprise, remembering my own words from years ago when I had mentioned how I wanted my dream house to look like. And right infront of my eyes, was the splitting image of it.

I looked around me, the newly furnished living room vibrant yet calm, just how I preferred my interiors, and at a loss of words, I kissed his hands as a tear left my eyes.

I had no idea why I was so emotional, it was very heart touching to say the least, and my heart warmed up at how much thought he'd put into this and how long he'd planned this. He pulled me closer, and I chuckled in response,

"Did I ever tell you, that I'm hopelessly in love with you?"

He grinned at me, "You never did, but I figured the blush on your cheeks was not a regular thing, so I must have been doing something right."

I laughed at his response, and he lifted me up in his arms, his smile a bit devilish as he said,

"You should see the bedroom upstairs,"

I smacked his arm, but said nothing as the emotions clogged up my throat. I looked at him, and what looked back at me was not just the man I love, but also my reason for existing, my peace, my calmness, the coolness of my eyes.

As we sat against the glass door that separated the room and the balcony, the moon shining down on us, he hugged me from behind, our hands intertwined.

I leaned my head against his chest, a bit sideways so that his face was visible to me and he wrapped his arm around my waist, supporting my weight. I squeezed his hand, and the last thing I heard him utter in my ears before I fell asleep was,

"Theher jaa aaye waqt, ke aaj saari Kainaat meri baahon mei hai."

***