K A I N A A T

My heart stilled in its place.

Fariyal's voice ringed in my ears over and over again, yet I still had difficulty processing her words.

I stumbled back in shock, Husna holding my elbow to control me. We locked eyes, and she silently shook her head, indicating she had no idea what this was about.

"But why?" I heard Zaidaan ask.

Fariyal turned to me, her eyes hard.

In that moment, the only thing I felt was betrayal. Did my own sister pity me so much that I couldn't bear kids, that she was giving me her own child? Her first born? The burning in my chest only increased, the pain soared high as I looked down at her protruded belly, where lay the baby I loved immensely, extremely immensely as an aunt, as a khala, and she wanted me to adopt the baby?

What I felt now as I looked at the concealed belly was nothing close to the love I have for it in my heart, and maybe it was my judgement clouding my eyes, but I only felt weak. Easily breakable. Fragile. Betrayed. Stolen and deprived of something I didn't even have.

Fariyal took in a shaky breath,

"Because we all know that Abaan won't accept this child. And-"

I shook my head, tears nearly leaving my eyes, I turne dto Zaid,

"No. No, Zaidaan, tell her. Tell you'll talk to Abaan, it'll be okay, he can't do anything once the baby is born-"

"He will do something," Fariyal sniffed, "You don't know, Kainaat," she shook her head, "you don't know what he can do if he knows."

I narrowed my eyes, "What do you mean, if he knows?"

Here, she avoided my gaze and stepped back, and even if she hadn't said a word, realisation struck me before it hit anyone else and I covered my mouth with my hand,

'Fariyal..."

I trailed off as Husna looked between as, reaching out to Fariyal,

"Di, tell. Answer Kainaat."

"I told Abaan that I've had the abortion. I paid those people triple the amount of abortion to keep them from telling Abaan and convincing him I'm no longer pregnant."

***

I stared out the balcony of our room as the rain poured down, the droplets trailing down the glass door as lightning struck and the clouds thundered.

My heart thudded against my ribs like the rain plattering ahead, thundering with the thunders, a storm in me, waiting, pleading to escape my body.

Zaidaan stood beside me, gazing at the same place as me.

I gave him a side glance, even if his eyebrows were too furrowed in concentration.

I silently, almost as if on instinct, edged towards him and caught his hand in mine, gently running my thumb across his knuckles, calming both of us down.

I didn't realize how much I needed to feel his skin against mine to make me feel at peace until I actually touched him, and my eyes nearly teared up as I thought of the unannounced responsibility we'll be having to take up.

"Zaid," I called out into the depths of night, the silence only dragging until I leaned my head against his arm, running my thumb over the side of his cheek,

"It will be okay."

His head dipped lower and I stood parallel as he slowly buried his head in my neck.

My mind was too much of a fuss to acknowledge how he felt, even if what he was feeling was probably the same as what I was feeling.

Zaidaan was tense the entire ride back home, his knuckles white on the steering wheel. My eyes couldn't control glazing over and over again, but I held myself because I knew, that if I broke down, Zaidaan would have no strength left.

The hardest part of this was, we weren't exactly given a chance, eventhough I still couldn't understand what worse can Abaan do after the child is born.

A bitter thought filled my mind and I had to fight back the nausea that hit me right after as a voice in my brain echoed,

Remember nearly two years back, you had prayed to be the mother of Abaan's child. Indeed, Allah listens to the prayer of a sincere heart.

The tone mocked me, and I audibly flinched at the way Shaitaan framed the scene in my head, portraying a scandal I'd rather not consider thinking about.

Zaidaan looked up at the sound that left my lips, and I held his gaze before firmly announcing,

"Come, let's pray two rakat nafl."

He looked at me confused, and I just motioned for him to follow me.

Just like that, on my instance, he lead us into prayer again, taking a part of me back to the day we prayed together the first time, and another part of me deeper in love with him everytime he recited a Surah.

Once done, he turned to me, asking fir an explaination, and I gave him a nod.

Raising my hands up in prayer, I said,

"Ya Allah, You have blessed me with the greatest blessings in this life, and now, You have given me the gift I always presumed I would never have. It may not be of my own, but it still is a part of my heart. Ya Allah, I ask of You to help me and Zaidaan raise this child. We ask You to fill our hearts with Your love, with Imaan, with the purest of intentions, and take away from us anything and everything that You do not like. And when our hearts are filled with every good possible, allow us to pour all our goodness in the heart of this child. Ya Allah, make us and our children among Your loved ones, and help us in following the path and Sunnah of our beloved Prophet Mohammad Sallallahu AlayhiWasallam. Ameen."

I took in deep breaths, and I felt Zaidaan's gaze drilling into my head, trying to process how could I make out a positive outline from this situation.

I met his gaze, and a faint smile grazed my lips as a much more confident, pleasing, and proud voice in me said,

For indeed, Allah does listen to the prayers of a sincere heart.

I almost wanted to give myself a pat on the back for encountering Shaytaan's taunts like a good muslimah, and when I looked at Zaidaan, I knew that most of the credit for my this transformation of akways being thankful, no matter the sutuation, goes to him. I had picked that habit from Zaidaan, and today, when he was too consumed in his emotions to be himself, it was his reflections that I mirrored.

As I folded my jaanemaaz and turned around, Zaidaan trapped me in his arms, and in a second, silenced me with a gentle carress on my lips.

We pulled away to catch our breath and at my questioning gaze of his sudden gesture, he gave me sheepish, crooked grin that took my breath away, even when I was short of breath.

He took both my hands in his, kissed each palm and my forehead, and then muttered in a voice only I could hear, as if the night would not allow him to speak otherwise,

"Alhamdulillah, that my heart fell for you."

***

"And what will we tell Ammi?"

Zaidaan looked up at my question, "Baba said he'll talk to her."

I fidgeted with the tassels at the end of my dupatta, but said nothing.

Despite everything, I wasn't ready for this. And more than me, it was Zaidaan. I loved the baby as my own before he or she was born, it was natural considering how I spent majority of my time with Fariyal with the baby in her womb.

But Zaidaan? Despite having no knowledge on a man's feelings, I knew it was hard for him to accept things as there. And if it wasn't for me, I knew he would never accept the baby.

As we made our way out, I bid him farewell and he kissed me on my forehead, his lips lingering a moment longer until he parted, a firm unsettling line on his lips.

I adjusted his collar and gave him a pat above his heart before he left me, and I turned around to walk inside the vast expanse of our home.

I absentmindedly prepared breakfast for tayajaan, ammi and myself, foresaking my mind into lone thoughts of how this could happen.

Ammi silently joined me in the kitchen, I had an afternoon shift so I had loads of time in my hands, and a lot of things on my mind. I spared Ammi a smile of acknowledgemnt and she stared at me for a full minute before stepping forward and keeping a hand on my head,

"May Allah bless you, Kainaat. You are a woman of wisdom, may Allah increase you in it. May Allah help you in this new future, may He be with you, my son, and my grandchild. InshaaAllah, I will always be with you, child. Alhamdulillah, MashaAllah."

She then read duaas and blew it over me, while I stood there in shick. Of all the reactions I had expected from Ammi, this one wasn't even there in the list.

And ever since my marriage, this had to be the most supportive moment she'd ever given me and right then, I truly felt blessed to have her as my mother in law.

Two hours later, I swiped a stroke of my liquid lipstick over my abnormally chapped lips, which was sure to ruin the look real soon, but having no time to spare, I rushed out after telling Ammi that I was leaving.

Ugh, it sucked when we had emergencies.

I'd just started the car when my phone blared, and thinking it's Zaidaan, I picked it up,

"Salaam, jaan."

"Ohho, jaan, huh? Well I'm your friend, remember when I existed?"

My eyes widened, "AALIYA!"

She chuckled at the other end, "Alhamdulillah, atleast you remember my name. Its been months!"

" I KNOW RIGHT! WHERE ARE YOU?!"

I knew I was screaming like a madwoman, but I could care less.

Aaliya and I couldn't talk much because of our extremely busy schedules, her being busy with her now almost one year old daughter, Alayna.

"Boston, Alhamdulillah," she replied, "probably gonna stick to this place. Alayna's getting much more naughty."

I chuckled, "Looks like she's on her mom."

"You bet, Ali even says he doubts she even has a gene of his!"

We continued talking for a while, and I hung up once I rounded the corner to MidCity, parking up as she stopped me with a question,

"Hey, wait,Kainaat. Husna told me something."

My hands stilled and I waited a breath for her to continue, "Yea?"

"Congratulations, Fariyal's finally a mom!"

I released and exhaled sharply,

"JazakAllah. Drop by soon to meet our daughter."

"InshaAllah! How do you know it's a girl?"

It wasn't until she pointed it out did I realise that I'd said it was a girl. Our daughter. Brushing the feelings that rushed through me, I placed a hand on my own womb,

"Just a feeling. A heart akin to a mother's, just knows."

She finally hung up after that, and I sat in the car until I could finally feel my heart before making my way inside.

I pulled down the charts of the patients we were to have today, analyzing the health conditions, when a call lit up my phone.

Annoyed, I didn't give it a second thoight before switching off my phone and focusing on my work.

Four hours and nearly fifteen patients later, I exited the cabin with Miss Wadiya, listening to her with rapt attention.

Once she'd left, I quickly turned my phone on. And to my utter horror, I had six missed calls from Bhaiya, Bhabhi, Husna and Zaidaan each.

My heart raced as I fastened my pace, it could only mean one thing.

I called up Zaidaan first, rushing my way past people, speaking as soon as he picked up,

"Is it-"

"Fariyal."

He finished before I could ask, and I hung up right after, stopping in my tracks.

Dread filled me, but I had to be there for Fariyal.

Ya Allah, help me.

****

Alright, I know its short. Please don't kill me. I'll update faster inshaAllah, just make my day with that star and comments, ya'll know how to do it hehe.

ALSOOO please do check out my poetry chapbook, BEYOND; which is up on my profile. I'll be posting a few of my prose-poetry on there, inshaAllah!