Mandy spent today showing me around her hometown. I figured it would be a good distraction for her too.

Now, she has a bag of boutique clothing and is holding a warm coffee, curtesy of me.

"Christmas is tomorrow," I say. I hope she'll like what I've gotten her. It's simplistic, like her style.

"What did you get me?" she beams up at me. I smile back, "not telling you."

She rolls her eyes but looks at me again, "I'm sorry I kept you away from your family this year."

I stop walking. Her black beanie has snow on it and her face is slightly red from the cold, "what?" I ask.

"You could've gone to L.A."

I shake my head, "babe, my grandparents don't mind. They're old anyway, but eventually I'd like you to meet them. We're just busy right now."

"I guess," she pauses, sipping her drink, "I just feel bad that's all."

"Don't," I reassure.

"What are you going to do about your mom?" I ask. I know she hates this topic, but it needs to be discussed and action needs to be taken. She can't hate her mother forever.

"Nothing," Mandy shrugs.

"What do you mean nothing?"

"I mean nothing. There is nothing to do."

I scoff and roll my eyes, "come on, yes there is."

"I don't understand why we need to talk about this right now," she snips.

"Because we have to, Mandy," I add.

"No. We don't," she finalizes her opinion.

"Amanda. Your mother cares about you and loves you more than you can comprehend. You both just need to talk this out thats all," I say. I only mean the best. I've had confrontation with my family for half of my life and it's horrible. It's draining. I don't want that for either one of them.

"Carter just stop," she halts her walking. I stop too and turn to look at her. She looks pissed.

"I'm only telling you the truth because I love you," I admit. She nods with a sigh, "I get that but this is my problem, not yours."

I flinch, "I thought we could work through this together," I say but it comes out as more of a question.

Her brown eyes shift and I can tell her walls are building up again. No, Mandy. Come on.

"Why do you have to butt in, Carter? I have this handled."

"When will that be?" I ask, "ten years? twenty?"

Her beautiful face turns into a scowl, "just leave the topic alone."

"I'm here to work through this with you. You have to talk through shit with her now or else you'll never get anywhere."

"Oh and you're the person to talk?" She snips.

I flinch again, but this time, something in my chest actually stings.

She closes her eyes in realization of her remark, "Carter," she says, regretfully.

"It's fine," I whisper.

"No it's not. That was fucked up," she shakes her head.

"It's okay," I assure. "I'm going to grab an Uber and go somewhere to get work done."

She has a lunch with Abby in ten minutes. I wanted to walk her to the small diner myself but now it's sort of back firing in my fucking face.

"Carter, look I'm-" She tries but I hold a hand up to her.

"It's fine, Mandy. Really."

I lean in and kiss her on her forehead before I turn around and walk off towards the street.

She didn't mean it. I tell myself, It was an accident.

My father always told me I have to be a man when it comes to this type of thing. That remarks don't sting, people can't hurt you, and the feeling will fade.

But the difference is I love Amanda.

So why does her comment pull at my chest so much?

———————————

I really fucked up.

I'm such a bitch.

Goddamnit and now he's walking away towards a car and I can't even move my feet. I can't run to him and apologize, I can't run and kiss him and tell him to get lost in me and explain that I'm so fucking sorry over and over again.

I can't, because I can't move.

Abby came out here to see her family for Christmas too and we'd figured that we may catch lunch before going back to New York next week.

I walk into the small restaurant Abby and I have had meals countless times in high school, but this time, my steps feel so much heavier from the guilt weighing down my shoulders.

Abby's blonde hair comes into view and I rush over to our small table.

"Hi! I missed-"

I sit down in a huff and she stops mid-sentence.

"Uhhh," she scans over me, her brown eyes worried. "You good?"

"No," I scoff. Her head cocks to the side, "why not?"

"I said something fucked up to Carter and I'm really sorry about it but I didn't get the chance to tell him that because he walked away," I explain.

She smiles, "honey, I'm sure everything will be fine."

"How can you be sure?" I ask as I set down my bag next to me and search for a warm drink.

"He loves you. I don't think I've ever seen another person love someone that much, actually."

I look up at her only to meet her eyes. Her small but sharp black eyeliner makes her already long eyelashes look even longer.

I need her advice. She's the only person that truly understands how I think.

"Just breath. When you see him later, you'll apologize and have makeup sex and everything will be okay again."

I laugh at her teasing. We decide to order some breadsticks to share and a vegetable salad.

"So," I ask as I bite a piece of bread, "how's your mysterious lover doing?"

Just at the mention of him, her cheeks turn red, "he's fine. I think."

"You think?"

"We're not dating necessarily. I don't even know what we are. All I know is that we have amazing sex," she shrugs.

I nearly spit out my coffee, "wow. That's a bold thing to say."

She flips her blonde hair to her left shoulder, "it's true."

"When will I get to meet this amazing sex god?" I'm very curious as to who he is. I don't even know what he looks like. Abby's never told me.

"Soon, hopefully."

I nod my head, "what does he look like?"

She stops chewing her mouthful of salad and her eyes bulge wide. I chuckle in response. I didn't think she'd be that surprised by the question.

"I can't tell you," she says quickly.

"Why not?" I nudge. "Because, I just can't."

I roll my eyes and huff a sigh, "Abby I won't judge you, I'd never judge you."

"It's not that," she assures me, "It's just very," she pauses to think, "quiet."

Okay? So that means I can't know what this guy looks like?

Somethings up and it's weirding me out...

As we're eating, my phone rings.

My mother is calling me.

Abby eyes me and my phone as it vibrates on the table, "you gonna answer?"

"I'm not sure, we've been arguing," I confess.

Her eyes widen, "oh god." I nod my head. Abby of all people knew that when my mother and I were upset with one another, it wasn't good.

I'd always sleepover at her house in high-school when that would happen.

The vibrations stop and I take another sip of my drink.

That is, until a message lights up my phone screen.

Oh my god.

"What's wrong?" Abby asks me as I grab my phone and frantically scroll to find my Moms number.

There's only one ring before she answers.

"Amanda?" She asks. Her voice sounds like she's worried.

"Mom? What's wrong? Is everything okay?" I ask.

"Amanda, it's Carter."

My heart drops.

Time stops.

The world has completely stopped spinning.

"What about Carter? Mom, what happened?"

I haven't heard what's happening and my heart is racing and thumping a million miles an hour and tears are threatening my eyes.

Carter. My Carter.

"He's being rushed to the hospital. I need you to get the fastest car to Petersburg Medical Center."

The world completely crashes from under my feet.

"What happened?" I say but the tears are already falling from my eyes as I'm grabbing my bag and Abby is trying to grab the tab.

She's probably so confused but I don't care. I don't care about anything but Carter.

"He's been in a car accident. Get there fast, I'll meet you there," she says, her tone hurried and rushed before she hangs up.

I rush out of the restaurant. My breath is uneven and my heart feels as if it could drop out of my chest.

Please be okay. Please be okay for me.