《The Pain You Bring》31 | 𝐓𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞
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Carter and my mother have gotten along.
So far.
She's been fairly calm about asking him questions. He told her about his studies at NYU, his interest in medicine. I can tell she really likes him and maybe even enjoys his conversations.
She's tossing a salad as she looks to me.
"So," she sighs, "you guys like each other?"
Carter and I exchange glances before I inhale a deep breath. "We love each other," I say.
My mother pauses her actions. Her brown eyes are fogged with someone I can't decipher.
"Love? As in you're in love?" She asks. She looks to Carter this time. He only nods with a small smile.
I try to hide my blush as I sip my water but I know he can already see it.
"Well," my mother says, "Amanda certainly never told me that detail."
I stay silent. No, I never told her anything. Because I had every right to privacy in my life now that I was a grown woman.
"Excuse me," I say. I walk over to the familiar powder room before shutting and locking the door. I begin to shake.
I can tell she's annoyed. Annoyed I've fallen in love with a man. Annoyed that I've suddenly revolved my life around him when I haven't. I know that is something she would say.
This was such a mistake.
A knock comes from the other side of the door, "Mandy?" Carters voice says.
"I'm fine," I say loud enough he'll hear me through the wood. "Dinners ready," he informs me.
Great. Dinner. Sitting down and eating an awkward meal.
I open the door, only to meet Carter's tall figure.
I look up to see him smile down at me, "baby, you're okay."
I nod as I take a deep breath. Carter laces his hand through mine and we walk out of the hallway to greet my mother who is placing the food on the table.
Carter sits next to me with my mother at the head of the table, next to me.
I place the napkin on my lap, Carters napkin already on his leg, and feel the anxiety seep in. Come on, Mandy. You got this. Keep it cool.
"Amanda, how is school?" My mother asks as she serves herself mashed potato's. I sip my water, "good."
"Good?" her hazel eyes meet mine, "it's fifty-thousand dollars a year I certainly hope it's good."
I cough on my water. College is expansive. My mother started saving a little bit of money for me early and eventually I got my own job and saved up money and also applied for scholarships. Those helped big time.
But my mother being so open about the cost is somewhat embarrassing. I don't know why, considering Carter wouldn't care, but it still bothers me. Money isn't something I just state out in the open.
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"Yes, mom," I reply, "it's very good."
"How's school work?"
I hold back a deep and long eye roll. She wants to talk to me about school right now? I haven't seen her in a year and she'd rather know about school. Not my mental health? or my friends?
Carter stays silent as he cuts into his grilled chicken. His eyes furrow in concentration of cutting it right. It takes every bone in my body to not to cup his face and kiss him.
"Good, mom," I curtly say.
"Why are you being so short with me?" my mother asks. She's going to play the victim now?
Deep breath, "I'm not it's just I'd rather eat than talk about school which I have to focus on every single day."
She scoffs, "Amanda, come on. I'm just asking."
Remember that eye roll? Already happening, "mother," I say. Her hazel eyes are full of something I can't make out.
But their not on me, their on Carter. Carter looks up from his plate and smiles, his mouth chewing food. My mother smiles back.
"Carter, tell me more about yourself since Mandy is being quite short with me," my mother says.
She really just said that.
"I used to live in L.A. before New York," Carter says. He takes a sip of water before continuing, "I went to private school actually."
My mother perks up at his confession, "wow. That's impressive."
Carter smiles, a small blush forming, "thank you."
"How did you meet Amanda? I meant to ask but I didn't want to pry," my mother asks.
Carter gives me a quick, heartfelt glance, "at a café actually."
I blush at the faint memory of our first encounter. How little I knew about him back then amazes me. And how handsome he was the first time I saw him makes me blush.
"Really?" Mom is very interested now. I nod.
"I actually knew about her before then though," Carter confesses and I nearly drop my fork.
"What?" I ask.
Carters face becomes red and he doesn't look at me, "yeah, I meant to tell you that detail."
I stay silent, still acknowledging my mother is near me. Carter continues, "I saw you walking across campus. Four months ago actually."
My brain clouds with disbelief. I never knew who he was but he knew me?
"I'm confused," I say. He sighs, finally looking at me, "I saw you on campus a long time ago and thought you were the prettiest girl I've ever seen."
His eyes are again full with that same light of sincerity he always has when he's telling the truth. His eyes always give that away and right now, he's being totally honest.
"You did?" I ask.
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I know I'm an attractive woman and I know Carter thinks so too. So why does him thinking that so long before he met me make my heart flip and my stomach tingle?
Carter grins, as if he read my mind and is confirming my second thoughts.
"Mandy," my mother interrupts me and Carter's small talk. I look over at her. She's stopped eating but her plate is still full.
"I think you guys are adorable," my mother says. I turn to her.
"But I just want to make sure this is what you two want," she says. I close my eyes in realization of her meaning.
"Mom," I interrupt her. She pauses and looks at me, "I want to be completely honest with you. I'm a woman now. And I may be your daughter, but over the course of my life I have learned from your mistakes that you have warned me to not make."
She stays still, looking into my eyes as if what I'm saying is embarrassing to her in front of a guest. But I'm putting my foot down and I don't care if Carter is here to witness it.
I'd rather it be him than anyone else if I'm being honest.
"Amanda, I-," she finally speaks up. She says nothing else, only my name. Her words have been completely drawn from her mouth.
"I just want the best for you," my mother says.
That's it. My world collides. Is she really doing what I think she's doing?
"Will you help me clean up, please?" she asks.
I stand up slowly. Carter and I look at each other once and my heart beat returns to normal when his reassuring blue eyes look into mine.
Once in the kitchen, my mother sighs.
"He's a distraction," my mother says. The plate nearly breaks in my hands. Her tone is kind and patient but that only makes my blood boil.
"What?" I utter.
"He's... changed you. You were so driven about school and your career and now you want to focus on him?" she asks.
"What's wrong with him?" I ask, slightly offended.
Her eyebrows furrow, "no, no. That's not what I'm saying. He's-" she pauses, sighing, "he's an amazing young man. It's just.."
"It's just what, mom!" I raise my voice. I'm so sick of this, sick of her. Her constant judgements and nothing being good enough for her. I can never win.
"Mom I am so sick of this!" I yell, "Why is anything never good enough for you?"
She flinches as if I hurt her feelings. "What are you talking about?"
"You know exactly what I'm talking about! Mom, I am happy. For once in my life I am so happy with Carter. I love my school, I'm young, I have good friends and I have so much going for myself and yet you are so clouded but judgment you fail to see all of that!"
"Mandy, stop," she tries to shut me up but I keep going.
"No, mom, I won't. I have had enough of working my ass of for you and you fail to see any of it."
I hear Carter's footsteps from behind me but I don't move my eyes from mom's. She needs to hear all that is building up inside of me, even if it hurts.
She used to tell me that's tough love.
"Mom," I quiet my voice, changing my tone to be more gentle with my delivery, "I know that I was little when dad left. I never knew him, never even saw what he looked like besides pictures I've found stuffed away in boxes."
My mothers face goes pale and her jaw tightens.
"I know that since he left, you have worked so hard for me. To provide for me. And I am so grateful for that. But," I pause. Tears threaten to spill from my eyes but I blink them away. Not now.
"But I have worked so hard too. So hard for you. My whole life you instilled me to work for myself like you never got to do. To live a life of my own."
I breath in and out slowly. My mothers eyes are brimming with tears.
"I'm not you, mom," I say, "I am my own person. And I choose to be with Carter. I choose to live in New York. I choose my own path."
I look down, one tear falling from my eye, "I'm not your way of avoiding the mistakes you made."
My mother inhales a small breath and I feel Carter's hand on my small of my back. It comforts me and I adjust my tall posture into the warmth of his palm.
"Mandy, I..." my mother begins. I finally look up at her and see her dabbing her eyes with a tissue with a small sniffle. "I never knew that it would affect you like this. I only wanted you to be happy without fucking up the way I did."
I nod, but don't say anything. I can't say anything. I have said what I needed to say for eight years of my life when I could finally understand.
I turn around and walk out of the room. The tears are stinging my eyes and I'm too embarrassed to cry in front of her. I can't be in there right now, I just cant.
I climb the stairs and make my way to my old room. Carter isn't behind me.
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