my heart, tethered to yours

✧

Max Mayfield never believed she was worth saving.

The nights she spent on her knees before her bed, her hands to her heart, praying to the only God she's ever believed in, she never prayed for forgiveness or a second chance. She never asked for help, but she begged for it to end. Max's life seemed to be worsening, every day felt the same, and she began to lose touch with herself. She wasn't sure she wanted to be a part of it any longer.

It started by distancing herself, pushing everyone that's a part of her life away because then, when she was gone, it would hurt less.

Some days she would wake up thinking she was doing better, just to return to the initial stage the next day. If not from the start, then it was worse than before. The repetitive cycle was so fucking tiring, and she felt as if she was only moving backwards.

So when she realized Vecna had chosen her as one of his victims, she didn't put up much of a fight. Though it fucking terrified her, the idea of dying, she accepted her fate without much of a fight.

But when she was there, where Vecna seized her by the neck, where she could hear the ticking of the clock, counting down the seconds till she died. Max could hear her favourite song in her ears and saw her friends calling her, pleading with her to wake up. They wanted to save her, they wanted her alive, and she understood she was worth saving.

Max knew she was fighting for something worthwhile.

It all felt like a dream; the ticking clock, Billy in the graveyard, running towards the light because her life depended on it gravely.

Even after she awoke from her nightmare, she could still feel the wrongness and the feeling of someone watching her every move. It lingered even as she awoke the next morning, tangled within the wires of her headphones, where the music had long since stopped sounding in her ears once the mixtape ended hours ago.

Max rises from her position on Mike Wheeler's basement couch. The blanket that was covering her comes off and lands on the floor next to the couch, over Robin's sleeping form. The older girl does not awaken, but she moves in her sleep. Max takes the headphones out of her ears and realizes it's the first time in weeks that she hasn't woken up in a cold sweat, shaking from another nightmare.

Max rubs the sleep from her eyes and presses the rewind button on her Walkman. She scans the basement, her gaze passing over everyone's sleeping figures. She notices the box she had given Rue on the table behind the stairs, where she had been sitting for most of the day yesterday.

She gradually begins to feel embarrassed knowing she had finally handed it to Rue; the box has a plethora of intimate items and letters, and Max hoped that by the time Rue opened it, she would have died and she wouldn't have to worry about the humiliation that comes after it. Max has always admired big romantic gestures in movies, but she has never done them herself. The intention was to give the box to Rue for her birthday, but she didn't have enough money to mail the big package at the time, and by the time she saved up, well... everything had already fallen apart.

Max grows concerned when she notices Rue is absent from the sleeping pile, and while Dustin snores loudly, she gets up from the couch much faster than she likes to admit.

She only has to take a few steps away from the couch to see that the basement's back door is open. Max notices two shadows sitting at the open door where the chilly morning spring air enters the Wheeler's home. She moved closer to the door, hearing laughter, and there was one giggle that she could recognize. It was Rue, and she was laughing at something said by the person beside her.

Max's eyes narrow to darts, and she takes another step closer, wanting nothing more than to stick her nose in and see what was going on, but she comes to a halt when she hears Ricky Maguire mock Rue after she says she had a poorly chopped bob cut in eighth grade and attempted to cover it with hats for months.

Max can't help but feel amused after that, recalling Rue's hat phase clearly. She wore them all through November and December, even risking detention when teachers told her to remove her hat during class, and she refused because she would rather die than have people witness the awkward stage her hair had reached. Max would strive to obtain detention if Rue got it so she could cheer her up when they were stuck together after school.

To say Max missed those times would be an understatement; she would go to any length to relive them.

Ricky and Rue's laughter has faded beyond the door, and Ricky sighs. "So, California," he asks, "is it as fabulous as they say? Do you live in the same neighbourhood as Madonna?"

Rue laughs and says, "I wish." She hums, "Cali's great, honestly. I love it there."

"More than Hawkins?" Ricky asks.

"Anything's better than Hawkins," She tells him.

The older boy makes a strangled sound of agreement. "Cheers to that."

Max is about to walk off and leave them alone, the cassette in her Walkman has finally finished rewinding, and she thinks of anything better to do than listen into their conversation. But then she hears Ricky shout, "Woah! Take it easy there, Ruby. Jesus H. Christ."

"Relax," Rue scoffs, "I know what I'm doing."

Ricky's voice sounds distressed, "How old are you again?"

"I'm fifteen."

"Jesus Christ."

Max could smell something disgusting at that point. Her entire face scrunches up in disdain. The stench reminds me of a skunk, but it was also the same smell that stunk from Reefer Rick's shed all the way back at Lovers Lake.

Max isn't thinking as she rushes for the rear door, and her unexpected appearance from the darkness of the basement startles the two sitting just outside. Max's eyes widen as she glances at Ricky and Rue. Ricky was about to take a joint from Rue's fumbling fingers when the two of them froze in their actions once Max had interrupted them.

From between Rue's lips, there's a thick cloud of smoke spilling out of her mouth. She's looking up at Max from her spot on the grass, her eyes half closed as her lips gently twisted into a smile at the sight of Max, and she traps her lower lip between her teeth as she stares.

Max feels herself shiver at Rue's gaze and she turns to glare at Ricky. "What are you doing here?"

"Hey, Little Red," He says casually, and he leans back on his elbows after trapping the end of the joint at the right corner of his lips. As he looks up at her, brushing a curl out of his face, he smirks. He fucking smirks. "Are you here to join the party? I'm sure your girlfriend won't mind."

"Du-! Dude..." Rue sputters, kicking his shin, clearly embarrassed.

Max glances at Rue again, and she sees the flush on her cheeks and her nose is red. She frowns, "Are you smoking pot right now?"

Rue's lips twist into a playful grin, "Would you believe me if I said no?"

"Unbelievable," She scoffs glaring daggers at Ricky, "And you! You're like, 20, you should know better than to give this shit to a fifteen-year-old kid."

"Red, calm down," He brushes her off. "It's just a little weed. She was tense. I'm helping her out."

"Helping her out? Really?" Max shakes her head, "Is that what you want to call this?" She's not sure why she's so distraught; perhaps it's because seeing Ricky and Rue together made her nervous and incredibly flustered, or because the scent of marijuana reminds her too much of Billy. Sure, he smoked cigarettes more than anything else, but the nights he came home smelling like skunk and alcohol were the ones that scared both her skin and mind.

Ricky shrugs, oblivious to how Max feels, "I mean, yeah," He nods at Rue, "It's helping, isn't it Ruby?"

Rue giggles and she leans on her right elbow, her shirt riding up her stomach while her green pants rest lowly on her hips. She presses her cheek to her shoulder as she smiles, "I feel better already, Dick."

Rue looks up at Max again, aware of her discomfort, "Come on, Max," she grumbles, "Relax. I do this shit all the time."

If those were Rue's attempts to console Max, they weren't helping. If anything, the girl was tenser than before, looking down at Rue with her arms crossed and wide eyes, her brows shooting up in disbelief. "You-? What?"

"In Lenora?" Rue states as if it was obvious, and she giggles again. "Jonathan's been doing it because he's been struggling with some stuff, and my meds are numbing me rather than helping me," she mumbles in the last part, but Max hears it. "This shit works." Rue shrugs, "Yeah, it smells a little bad but whatever."

"What, so you're a pothead junkie now?"

Ricky lets out a grunt, and he puts out the joint with his shoe. He's shaking his head of curls, muttering quietly to himself, "Low blow, little red. Low blow."

"What the fuck?!" Rue exclaims. She sits up from her spot on the grass, her calm demeanour shifting immediately. Rue's face is hardening, a pout on her lips, and her brows furrow deeply. "I'm not a fucking junkie, Max. And even if I was, what's the fucking problem with that?"

Max opens her mouth to speak, but Rue cuts her off. The girl stands from the ground, wiping her pants off as she nears Max. Up close, Max can see the light tinge of red in her eyes.

"Is it not me?" Rue cooes, "Not the precious Rue Newby you remember? What? Is it stupid? Like my pink hair?" She mocking Max at this point, "You know, I'm so fucking tired of always pretending everything is fine went it's not."

"You and me?" Rue pointed between the two of them, "We're not fine. Me in Hawkins? It's not fine!" And she throws her hands in the air while stepping away from Max. "I feel like I'm losing my fucking mind here. Like—I can't. And all this shit with Vecna, it's so fucked up. And seeing you-" Her voice drops to a whisper, tears pricking in her eyes. "It hurts. A lot. And I'm just- I'm sorry if me smoking a little pot to take the edge is alarming to you, but I need this."

Rue drops her hands to her sides and sighs. "You almost died yesterday," she says slowly, "It scared the shit out of me. And I can't process that with a clear mind, and I don't want to because I'm so fucking tired of hurting. If we had been any slower, you could've- you could've-"

She starts to choke on her words, and she rubs the heels of her hands against her eyes.

Max, unlike before, does not freeze. She walks forward, drawing closer to Rue. She places her hands on her arms hesitantly, her touch feather light in case Rue decides to shove her away at any time. "Rue..." Max attempts to speak, but she is unsure what she should say. She doesn't want to make any promises she can't keep, and she's at a loss for words on how to console Rue when she can't even convince herself she's fine.

"I lost a lot, Max." Rue tells her, "I don't know what I would've done with myself if I lost you too."

For months, Max had assumed that her absence from the world would be meaningless, that it would not impact anyone in the long term. In a few weeks, everyone would have moved on and she would have been a distant memory, only to be forgotten.

Rue proves her wrong, though.

"I'm... I'm gonna go see if there's any food I can stash from here." Ricky Maguire starts to stand from the ground, and he picks up his backpack. When the two girls stare at him, he grins awkwardly while slowly inching his way towards the open door, "You know, cause Eddie ate all our food. Stress, and stuff..." he draws his lips into a thin line, his hand on the handle of the basement door. Ricky nods, stepping into the house, "Okay... cool."

He had gone, silently closing the door behind him. For a moment, the only sounds heard were the rustling branches on the trees and the frigid spring air biting at their skin.

Rue sighs as she wipes her tears away. As she sits on the ground again, leaning against the side wall of the Wheeler's house, her shoes step and break small twigs on the floor. She wraps her arms loosely around her legs before pressing her back against the wall.

Max joins her. She sits next to Rue, their arms pressed against each other as they sit in silence, watching the early sunrise over the Maple Street houses.

She twirls a stray thread from her jeans around her finger and pulls till it snaps. Max turns to look at Rue, and she is surprised to see that she is already looking at her. "Hey."

Rue shifts in her spot, "Hi."

Max watches her fingers tap rhythmically against her knees and frowns, "I'm not mad at you for smoking pot, Rue." She tells her, "Just shocked because I never expected it from you."

"Yeah," Rue lets out a low breath, and she turns to stare at the woods, "me neither."

Max is about to bite on her nails again when she notices that they are already chewed raw from the day before. She tries not to shiver as she remembers the previous day and when she closes her eyes, she sees Billy's face and hears his voice whispering in her ears, telling her she was alone and would always be alone.

But she now realizes she is not alone. Her friends came to her rescue and saved her. Rue sat next to her and could have left a long time ago, but she didn't. She remained at her side.

Max's shoulders sag as she glances at her sneakers. She decided to break the ice by admitting what neither of them wanted to admit. "We haven't really spoken properly, have we?"

"No," Rue sucks in a sharp breath. She pauses and thinks for a moment before blurting, "I'm sorry for being such an asshole. You're obviously going through some shit, too."

"I've been an asshole too. Sorry for calling your hair stupid," Max returns, and she nudges Rue's arm playfully, "It's not. I actually liked the pink."

There's a faint smile curling at the corners of her lips, "Thanks." she mumbles shyly, and then she says, "I dyed my hair brown once."

Max's brows raise in interest, and she tries to imagine Rue with dark hair and wishes she had been there to see it. "Really?"

"Yeah, like a month ago," Rue tells her, "It was cool. I really liked it."

Max smiled gently, and she tucks the loose flyaway of her hair behind her ears, listening to the singing birds as they slowly start to wake up.

Rue lowers her head, nearly tilting it sideways to meet Max's gaze, "...Max?"

"Yeah?"

Rue frowned for a moment, "Do you think things could ever go back to the way they used to be? Between us?"

"I don't know..." Max fidgets with the wire of her headphones. She feels her jaw tightening, remembering the way things used to be and she compares it to now. It hurts more than she would like to admit, "I hope so."

"Me too." Rue nods. And she pauses again, there's a stiffness to her shoulders as she hesitates and then she blurts out muttered words that Max couldn't understand at first, "I'm sorry I killed Billy. I didn't know 'till Dustin told me."

Max's brow furrows. She feels the same aching in her chest, and it spreads throughout her body in seconds. When she looks at Rue, she almost bursts into tears, but she restrains herself from crying. It was all so confusing with Billy and Rue, and Max knows she should despise her for what she's done and how, in some ways, Rue was to blame for her life falling apart.

"I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to respond to that," Max admits, because there are so many different things she wants to say all at once and she doesn't think she could say any of them.

"I sorta imagined you kicking me in the face." Rue says.

Max lets out a laugh before she could stop herself, "I would love to kick you in the face."

"I would love it if you kicked me in the face."

Max taps her shoe with Rue's, a smile crawling on her face once they caught each other's gaze. "Maybe some other time," She jokes, "If the offer still stands."

They snickered softly to themselves, smiling at each other in ways they hadn't seen in months. Max's chest began to ache, but she doesn't mind because she enjoys the aching and the way her heart is pounding against her chest so quickly that it might burst out and run away.

They settle into a comfortable silence, sitting without saying anything more. Their thoughts fill the air; they both felt there was so much more to say between them but didn't know where to begin.

Rue finally breaks the silence. She seemed to have lost herself within her own thoughts and there's a bitter edge in her voice when she asks, "Why'd you ignore me for three months?"

Max is unable to look her in the eyes. She recalls standing in front of her mailbox, gripping a letter in her hands but never actually sending it. She used to stand by the phone, her fingers hesitating over the dials, but she never called.

"I didn't mean to." She claims that she never intended for the distance to separate them or for what should have been a three-day break to evolve into three months.

Rue has a hard time believing her, "Right. Yeah, that's fucking bullshit," she mumbles, "So you just forgot to call? Did you forget to message me at all? I mean, you didn't forget to read all my letters." She reminds her, and then her voice drops, "I thought something happened to you. Or that you hurt yourself or something..."

Rue pauses and she shakes her head, "So, that fucking sucked. I mean, on my birthday. Who doesn't call on someone's birthday?" She pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs, "Look, I know you ended things between us like two days before—which was a totally fucked up thing to do, by the way, but I respected your decision. Even when I was so..." she trails off, specific words sitting at the edge of her tongue but she never says them. "But you said you wanted to stay friends."

"And I meant it," Max tells her, and she feels like she's pleading. Her voice is whiny as she tries to get Rue to believe her, "I really did."

"Then why aren't we friends?" Rue asks helplessly. "Why are we stuck here? Why aren't we anything at all? I want us to be something. Anything. I just... it's so... it's so different now."

"I know," Max says, and it takes every part of her body and soul to finally admit what she's about to say. "I fucked up, and I know I can't fix things in the snap of my fingers. But you have to understand that I'm trying my best. This is me trying." Max's voice cracks.