forever young

✧

MOVING ON AND MOVING AWAY should not be equivalent. It shouldn't mean the same thing. Why is it that whenever Rue tried to move on, she'd have to move away? What if she wanted to move on at her home? A home where she felt welcomed and loved and wanted.

It wasn't fair — but from what she had learnt in the last year- life isn't fair. When things were finally beginning to fall into place — it was like the whole puzzle got pushed off the table, letting it fall apart all over again.

And as Rue looked around the room, she could still feel the lingering ghosts of joy. The shadows of herself dancing around the bedroom, her hairbrush in her hand, tripping over items she forgot to put away. Either it was along to Queen or ABBA — there was still a smile on her face as Rue danced with Will and Jonathan. Or maybe it was the vision of herself singing with Max, where the ginger would always sing to her softly, bringing Rue to a beautiful dream that was too perfect to be real.

Rue was robbed, just like Will. Just like her friends. They were all robbed of the sweet — sweet warmth of childhood. And highschool had begun a little over a month ago, and that was the first step to adulthood. If only they could all do it together.

It was such a scary transition, and it happened so fast. If only Rue could hold on longer — if only the time could pass a little slower. However, there was no such thing as Neverland. You can't be a kid forever. Everything comes to an end.

It was only the ghosts of their childhood that remained, and their laugher was slowly fading away just like their battle wounds and marks. Oh, the scars they had gotten much too young, not only marking at their skin — but twisting any delightful memory of youth into a loathing one.

It wasn't fair.

They weren't kids anymore.

This was something music couldn't distract her from. Not one song could help the mourning feeling in her chest that made her want to ball up and cry in realization. There wasn't a song that could cheer her up and bring her to a world that only consisted of music and sunny days.

But maybe there was a song she could relate to? A verse that could help her let it all out. After being one of the biggest music geeks and living with two more, Rue knew very well there was a song for everything.

Forever Young by Alphaville played in her ears, and the grip on her old walkman tightened. El had found it in her room when they went back to the cabin, and Rue was grateful to have it back.

Have you ever gotten that feeling when you heard a song? — Like, when butterflies fill your stomach (Yes, it might sound silly.) But all you want to do is drop and just. . . listen. With nothing going through your mind but the lyrics of the song or just the melody. Or (And I can't stress this enough) Fall? Could you imagine yourself falling — it does not matter from where — but when you find that one song that makes you just want to escape reality? That one song that makes you want to disappear from the face of the earth?

Or maybe once those butterflies fill you up, you want to change? The lyrics inspire you to be a better version of yourself — to do better things — lyrics that remind you of better days. It was so easy to get lost in another world with the simple tone of a song. So easy to lose yourself and what you were doing. Everything around you slowly disappears until there's nothing — just nothing.

Nothing but you, and your favourite song.

And with every step Rue took, the real world faded away, and she could only see herself somewhere else. In a car — one of those expensive ones without a roof. And with every new beat of the song, whatever feelings it brought her came to life.

Forever young, but what did it mean to be young?

Happiness . . . freedom . . . creativity. . . no judgement. . . risk-taking. . . excitement. . . just pure joy.

And the music blared in her ears, and she was wearing her heart-shaped glasses again — God knows which box they had gotten stuffed in. — Rue's entire front half was out the car window, and the wind thrashed all around her. She leaned back, trusting the passenger seat door a little too much from the car that drove at high speeds. It was night time, the moon was out, and she was bright — she shared the sky with her beautiful companions, the stars.

The city lights got blurred from the speed the car went in, but they were colourful and bright — was it Las Vegas? Rue smiled at the night sky, letting her amber hair become a whisking mess around her as she thrust her arms in the air, reaching for the sky. She closed her eyes and let the feeling sink in. The air was sweeter, it tasted like freedom, and it was a moment she would love to remember forever. If this was what life would feel like forever young, it was exactly what Rue wanted.

The music became louder, and new calls were singing along. "Forever young! I want to be forever young!" They sang horribly offbeat, and most of their voices had cracked. Rue sat up from leaning on the door and looked towards the backseats of the car, where Lucas, Will, Mike, Dustin, and Alex were swaying side to side, bright smiles on their faces and their hair becoming a mess with the wind. But who cares? They seemed happy as they wrapped their arms across each other's shoulders and sang, "Do you really want to live forever? Forever? Or never?"

"Forever young," A softer voice hummed at her side, and Rue turned to see El sitting between the driver's seat and the passengers. The two shared a sparkling grin, and Rue placed her heart-shaped sunglasses on the girl's face. El giggled and leaned back.

"Do you really want to live forever?" Another voice sang along, and Rue's smile only grew when she spotted Max driving the car. "Forever? Or never. . ." Her red hair in a loose bun as she tapped her fingers on the wheel. Rue noticed, her nails are painted blue and green, just like they had been on Halloween. "Rue?" Max asked, turning her head from the road to look at her over El's shoulder.

"Yeah?" She hummed when she felt her hand on her shoulder. Max squeezed it, and it was soft and reassuring.

"Rue. . ." Max said again, her voice much sadder than it was seconds ago. And then, before Rue knew it, the wind had stopped blowing, the city lights were gone, and the moon, the stars, the car, her friends. It was all fading away, and Rue was brought back to her empty room, right where she was standing before. The song was coming to a slow end, and she frowned, realizing it was nothing but the dust of her imagination from getting lost in the music. Music was so powerful. It held much more power than Rue could ever contain.

She turned around to face Max, who dropped her hand from her shoulder. Max seemed tired, and there were fading bags under her eyes. But her face was becoming sharper, and so were her features — she was growing up. They all were. And despite the frown on Max's pretty face, Rue put a smile on her own, trying to cheer up her girl.

She lowered the headphones from her ears to sit on her shoulders, and she paused the music from continuing on her mixtape. "What's up?"

"I asked if you were done with the box yet," Max said, shoving her hands in the pockets of her jeans.

Rue looked down at the box before her — filled to the top with cassettes for walkmans. "Um," Rue tilted her head, glancing through the names of the cassettes. There was one whose title got drawn on with a red marker, and the pink stickers of hearts caught her eyes, and Rue quickly grabbed it before Max could see. She looked back at the girl and gave her a thin-lipped smile and a nod. "Yeah, you can take it."

Max gave Rue a funny look, trying to catch a glimpse of the cassette she had hidden from her. Rue noticed and stuffed it in her pockets, acting as nothing happened. Max frowned — Rue never kept secrets from her — but lately, it felt like she was hiding something. And that all that came out of Rue's mouth were lies. ("What have you got there?" "Nothing, don't worry about it." — "Are you hiding something from me? You know you can talk to me—" "I know, Max. . . there's nothing wrong, though, just relax.")

Ever since Joyce had broken the news that the Byers were moving and taking El with them because Hopper didn't make it out of the Russian's base alive — Rue had been acting. . . weird.

And at first, Max brushed it away, thinking she was just struggling with what happened at Starcourt. If Max was honest, she felt like she had been acting differently herself. Luckily, Rue was constantly there to listen to her. Rue was always there to be a shoulder for Max to cry on. And Max was thankful, of course — she had no idea where she would be if it wasn't for Rue.

But. . . she wished Rue would let Max be her shoulder to cry on, Max wished she hadn't walked in on Rue crying in the corner of her room, and she wished Rue would feel comfortable enough around her to express her feelings. But whenever she tried bringing it up, Max felt like she was talking to a wall.

The walkman nearly slipped from Rue's fingers as she suddenly paled. The smile on her freckled face slowly began to fade away, and she looked away from Max to the window. The sound of the branches brushing against the glass had become loud, and Rue pursed her lips. "What's wrong?" Max asked.

"I'll meet you outside. . ." Rue mumbled, "I just need to go to the bathroom—"

"Do you want me to—?"

"No!" She exclaimed, making Max stop halfway through her sentence. Rue slapped her hand on her forehead and began to stammer, "I'm — I'm sorry . . . no, Max, it's — it's fine. I'll meet you outside really quick just — give me a minute."

As Rue hurried out of the room, leaving Max alone with the last box, she sighed, wondering when things will go back to how they were. Max picked up the box, and as she walked past the bathroom, she could hear the water in the sink running.

Rue ran a hand through her hair, then pressed her fingers on her temples, and she stared at the sink blankly, watching the water swirl slightly before it went down the drain. She fought back the tears that filled her green eyes and cupped her hands under the cold water. She leaned down and brought it up to her face, refreshing herself.

When she looked up at the mirror again, water droplets rolling down her face and trickling from her chin, all Rue wanted to do was cry. She wanted to cry and sob and fight her way out of this horrible world.

The atmosphere was colder than the water, and the darkness was unsettling. The light of the bathroom flickered as Rue choked on the air. It wasn't anything new anymore, but it felt like the first time every time. With the blue filter, white particles that were probably toxic — floating around the air and slimy vines took over the bathroom as if the Byers' house was old and plants began to grow inside of it. No matter how many times it happened, it would still make her feel uneasy.

Rue let her fingers slip away from the sink as she stood straighter, and she stared at herself carefully from the cracked mirror. She shivered, feeling her clothes becoming wet and cold and sticking to her skin. God, how could Rue be so stupid? How could she let this happen? Why wasn't she strong enough? Why — Why — Why. Rue kept beating herself up for it — if only Max could see her now. It was all Rue's fault.

The first step of the plan; don't get Flayed. God, you're a fucking idiot, Rue. She brought her hands to her face, tears running down her cheeks. Rue couldn't look at herself. A failure. The person who wasn't strong enough. She never was. She wasn't strong enough to save her mom, Ava, or her dad. Not El, Mike or Max. Not even herself.

And now, as she stood in the Upsidedown, Rue knew she was a dead girl walking.

Rue wanted to scream, and she just wanted to let it all out. Scream out while she still could. And she has, plenty of times. So many times. If only someone could hear her cries.

Red lightning flashed at the window, but Rue couldn't find the nerve in herself to look. It would only be the shadow monster, the monster older than time itself. Mocking her — teasing her and reminding her she was weak. And now, she was its prisoner, just like Will had been, just like Billy and the rest of the Flayed. Fingers crossed she'd get out of this one like Will had and not like Billy.

As Rue wrapped her arms around herself, she stumbled back until she hit the wall. Sobs slipped from her lips as she slid to the cold floor. Rue hugged herself, trying to find warmth in something — anything.

The breeze hit her once more before she felt the stuffy bathroom air again and the tap still running. Rue opened her eyes, and her breaths were uneven from her sobbing and her nose red. She scrambled to stand, cleaning her face. The eyeliner that used to be neatly over her eyelashes was now smudged, and she tried to wipe it all away. Rue zoned out for a bit, her body moving on its own as she used the hem of her mom's knitted red and brown cardigan to dry her face.

It had become a routine, and every time it was the same. Rue paced in the bathroom, trying to calm herself down and waiting for the red to leave her face so no one would be suspicious.

Rue knew she was going back to her old bad habits — where she hid everything from everyone. But she didn't want to scare anyone. They all think it's finally over, and Rue wanted it to stay like that. She wanted them to be happy again — she had to figure something out on her own. She didn't want to see the looks on their faces when she told them what happened. — Rue didn't have the heart.

As she stepped out of the bathroom, the first thing that caught her eyes were the two picture frames that still hung on the wall. She reached on her toes to take them down. Rue stared at them a little longer — one of them was a family photo of the Byers, Joyce, Will and Jonathan. They were much younger, and Rue could tell the baby fat that was still on Will's cheeks in the photo.

The second one was of Rue and El. She could barely remember when it was taken, but it seemed to be somewhere in the winter. Snowflakes were in their hair, and their cheeks and nose were bright red from the cold. El was wearing one of Rue's old purple winter jackets while Rue wore her mother's green one. The two girls had their red cheeks pressed together as they smiled brightly for the picture Jonathan probably took. Behind them, you could see Hopper and Joyce hugging in an attempt to stay warm while Will and Max fought over the sled.

Rue sniffed and wiped her eyes, hugging the photos close to her chest as she walked down the hall. Rue usually never liked winter, but her friends somehow made it fun.

"All I want is someone to walk up to me," Alex's voice pulled Rue away from her nostalgic thoughts when she stepped into the living room. "Put their hands on my face and passionately —"

"Who?" Dustin teased.

"No listen—" Alex argued.

"But who do you want —"

"Shut up and listen!"

"I am!"

"No, you keep interrupting me!"

"Fine, fine go ahead."

"Thank you," Alex said bitterly before starting over. "All I want is someone to walk up to me. . . . Put their hands on my face passionately and — twist as hard as they can to put me out of my fucking misery."

If Dustin had a grin on his face, it washed away immediately. "That got dark, really fast."

"He doesn't mean it," Lucas snorted from across the living room, where he taped up the last few boxes before picking two up at the same time and walking towards the door.

Alex smirked, "You don't know that," he shifted in his spot before turning to look at Dustin again, and he whispered, "I mean it if I have to hear him sing Never-ending Story again."

"I heard that!" Lucas called, but Alex ignored him, and instead, he beamed at the sight of Rue walking into the room.

"There she is!"

She gave him a weird glance before looking behind her to see if he was talking to someone else. "Yes, you, — you idiot!"

Rue chuckled, holding onto the picture frames tighter as she walked up to him and Dustin and kneeled next to them. "What's up?"

Alex rolled his eyes and got straight to the point. "Did you give it to her?"

"Give what to who?" Dustin asked, but Alex quickly shut him up with his finger on his lips.

"Shh —"He told him before looking back at Rue, "Well?"

Rue blushed deeply and looked down at her pants. She shyly traced the colourful flowers on her jeans with her finger — El had painted them, they were messy but adorable. "Not yet," She mumbled.

Alex gasped dramatically and hit her shoulder, causing Rue to glance up from her pants and glare at him as she rubbed her shoulder. "What was that for?"

"For being a coward!"

"I'm the coward?"

"Yes!"

"That's bold of you to say when—"

Alex's face went bright red, and his fingers fiddled with his shirt as he quickly told Rue to "Shut up," before she said more.

Dustin snickered and nudged Rue's arm, "No, keep going."

"What are you guys talking about?" A new voice joined the conversation, and the three kids on the floor looked up to see Will standing before them while Mike and Max argued about something behind him as they walked out of the house with boxes in their hands.

"Nothing," Alex said quickly, shaking his head.

"Nothing?"

"Just — talking about how boring Hawkins will be without the Byers. . ." Alex smiled weakly.

Will blushed and grinned. "I'm honoured?" He laughed nervously.

Rue and Dustin shared a glance, reading the room like an open book. "We're going to help outside," Dustin started, giving Rue a hand to help her stand. The two stood and stepped away from Will and Alex, giving the two knowing smiles.