[the video starts off with (y/n) driving in her car with peter on the passenger side]

I'm in my mum's car, broom broom

get out me car

aw

hello, and welcome back to the pits of hell!

I hope Satan is that cheerful when he greats me upon my death

bitch, you ain't going to hell. I am

as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, welcome to my vlog where I give you a glimpse of the domestic side of the avengers

my last video blew up in a day, so I thought "why not make another one?"

and now here we are

I just picked up Peter from his apartment and now we're heading upstate to where the avengers roam free

we didn't even tell them that we're coming. we're just going to show up and hope they're there

what are we going to do if they're not?

camp out in my car till they arrive

that's a video in and of itself

we'll see where this go once we arrive

_______________

we have been graciously let through by a security guard, and now we're driving straight up to the building

apparently I'm in the system now because the avengers love me, and Peter is in it because he's Tony's intern

so, Eugene, if you're watching this

suck it *flashes middle fingers that get blurred out*

I thought you just told me that—

we're only mean to each other because it's fun. we thrive in this kind of friendship, but it's a secret so shhhhhhh

[the camera is flipped around to show the compound]

where are Bucky's goats?

they're right by your door, and I mean all of them are

am I a goat whisperer too?

I love me some goat children

_______________

[peter holds the camera as he shows (y/n) banging on a glass window]

LET ME IN! LET ME IN!

I swear, she's going to be the reason I die

kids, I do not condone this activity. she's just stupid because she was dropped as a baby

sometimes I want to hit you with a bus, Peter

I will haunt you for the rest of my ghostly afterlife if you do that

bet

[vision phases through the window that (y/n) was banging on. she falls back into the shrubbery in surprise]

there is a door, you know

says the one that goes straight through a window

wow, Tony was right. Vision really isn't big on doors

_______________

[neither (y/n) nor peter are in sight. the camera is now showing thor, steve, bruce, and tony walking around. clint is holding the camera]

what are we doing?

recording on (y/n)'s camera

I get that, but why?

content

you need to stop talking to her, Thor. she's brainwashing you

I could snap you in half like a twig if I wanted to

please don't

then don't tell me what to do

is nobody going to address the fact that Cap grew his depression beard back

I lost a bet to Nat. no more needs to be said

he's just trying to copy my beard... again

it was only a myth to me. this is the first time I've seen you with it

same here

he's like a rugged grandpa now

excuse me?!

it's true

you're literally 1,500 years old, so shut up

midgardians are usually dead at your age, just saying

remember when Thor used to be all Shakespearean, but now he just roasts us all the time

doth mother know you weareth her drapes?

wait, were you playing us that whole time

maybe

I've been wondering that since I woke up from being Hulk for 2 years

actually yeah, what happened to that?

trauma

that checks out

[natasha crosses paths with the 5 as she sips out of a starbucks cup]

you guys are losers

[she continues walking past them as tony, steve, thor, and bruce just stare into the void]

[clint zooms in on natasha as she walks away]

I was just offended in 43 different languages

you can only wish to understand 43 different languages

*still staring into the void*

what have we become?

_______________

my camera has mysteriously gone missing, so I'm using my phone at the moment

Peter and I are searching for my camera as we speak, and let me just say one thing

I am lost

does that mean I'm your personal tour guide now?

do I have to pay you?

yeah

then no

do you hear that?

what? no, I don't hear anything

[peter and (y/n) take off running in search of the noise. they pass natasha with her starbucks, she gives them a knowing look]

OH MY THOR I CAN HEAR IT!

walk, walk fashion baby, work it move that bitch crazy

I think I can hear Clint screaming the lyrics

run faster, Peter! I need to see what's happening!

[they come across a room where clint is holding (y/n)'s camera while wearing a pink feather boa and a beret. he is screaming at the top of his lungs]

[tony, bruce, thor, and steve pose as if they're in a photo shoot as Lady Gaga's Bad Romance is blasted through the speakers]

YESSSSSS!

pop that hip out, Bruce! I want to see some booty!

FOR THE LAST TIME, I WON'T DO THAT!

I'M UNFRIENDING YOU ON FACEBOOK JUST FOR THAT!

I DON'T HAVE A FACEBOOK!

wait, who am I following then?

my eyes have been blessed by the heavens

Steve has his beard again. he's like an entirely different man now

I'm not paying you guys to look like 12 year old VSCO girls! Bring the sexy back!

YOU'RE NOT PAYING US ANYTHING!

shut your face hole, Thor! you're a king! you grew up in a golden palace!

and it blew up so I'm now living on your trashy planet! pay up!

I can't believe I'm saying this, but Loki treated me better than this!

Steve, this is no longer the 40's! loosen up a bit! what are you, Steve?!

I'm a Brooklyn bitch

SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!

I'm a Brooklyn bitch!

LOUDER!

I'M A BROOKLYN BITCH!

yeah, you are!

the bald eagles are screeching

lady liberty's wig has been snatched

this song has been playing for the last 30 minutes

make it stop! my ears are bleeding!

WALK, WALK FASHION BABY, WORK IT MOVE THAT BITCH CRAZY!

your singing is giving me an aneurism, Clint!

PERISH!

I am forever imprinting this inside my memory

they stole my camera and I'm not even mad

Steve, use that depression beard to your advantage!

he looks like a rugged grandpa

hey, that's what I said!

wait, WHAT?!

[the music blares loudly but the party stops. bruce, thor, tony, and steve look at (y/n) and peter in horror. clint is just a dramatic mess]

THIS IS SABOTAGE!

MY DEBUT IS RUINED BY YOU MEDDLING KIDS!

*dramatically flips boa over his shoulder*

I can't even look at you two right now

my Gucci dreams have been crushed!

Clint Barton being a dramatic ass for 15 minutes straight

not clickbait

_______________

[sitting at a counter by herself, (y/n) looks blankly at nothing as she contemplates life]

what I had witnessed made me question the meaning of life as I know it. I'm honestly half expecting the very fabric of reality to rip open and eat me alive

in just the first hour of me being at the compound, the higher beings had cast me out into the danger zone without any instructions

not that I would have read the instructions...

I was just at a loss, ok

it was obvious that my presence emitted such a chaotic energy that everyone had become infected

you just don't see grown men do what they had done. the laws of physics have been outed on the stake in a fraction of a second

my whole life I had lived in an idealistic paradise, clouded by fantasy realities. that had been quickly shattered by 5 out of the 6 original avengers in what people could only dream of happening

the noodles are a restless sea that the meatballs must travel across in search of the cosmos. the red sauce is the disgusting remains of their ancestors. and that's the meaning of spaghetti

that made no sense and I'm sorry. my brain is fried now. I've been spitting out nonsense for the last two days

somebody please admit me into a mental hospital because something has been broken inside of my noggin

brain leakin got you freakin

AHHHHHH! I'm sorry

_______________

hello, and your watching the best cooking and baking show YouTube has to offer

I proudly present to you... the glutton and the android: culinary delicacies that'll make Gordon Ramsay weep

who's the fing panini head now!

the avengers have this thing called the Steve Rogers censor, which is only used on one word, and I'm enforcing that in this video

so how about a thank you, you miserable wee bitch

today Vis and I will be cooking homemade waffles because, fight me, waffles are superior

you ready to fing die!

I'm a bad bitch, you can't kill me!

we have 3 guests today that'll be tasting our food

[the camera angle changes to show 2 people sitting at a table and a rat]

first we have Wanda

if this tastes like crap, I'm going to send you guys to the Bermuda Triangle

a bit harsh, but wise words nonetheless

next, we have Peter

I'm just here for the free food

are you mocking me?

and finally we have a New York City subway rat that we found stealing a churro

he's a lil chonky boi who loves his food. please be very kind to him in the comments, he's a very sensitive rat

we named him Ratcliffe

that is true. Ratcliffe is now an honorary avenger as well

...

Ratcliffe, you can't say that kind of stuff on YouTube!

the audacity!

let's cook this waffle

[a time lapse of them cooking is shown, and lets just say it was a mess]

*cracks egg*

watch out! the New Yolk Killer is on the loose!

*phases through the counter*

*incoherent screeching* VISION, WHAT THE F!

it needs more paprika

have you ever made waffles before?

paprika

I'M GOING TO FING SHOVE SOME PAPRIKA UP YOUR ROBOTIC ASS IF YOU DON'T STOP!

paprika?

WHAT THE F, RICHARD

[the screen turns to static and cuts to (y/n) and vision with a plate of waffles. they are both covered in flour]

(y/n) has committed android abuse and now I'm suing

Vision is a liar, and I have witnesses

but besides that, we got some waffles

the ripped pancakes if you will

now bless us with some complements

I'm scared. what if some paprika actually got in?

*mouth stuffed with waffles*

5.5 stars because Gordon Ramsay would kill to eat these

ok, wait

these are actually really good. how did that even happen?

...

and that concludes the first episode of the glutton and the android

culinary delicacies that'll make Gordon Ramsay weep

_______________

so I have 2 asgardian daggers that Thor has given me because he's such a great father, and because I am unskilled in the world of stabby stab stab

I have asked the one and only stab master himself, Bucky Barnes, to help me master the craft

if you die, I was never here

that's fair

now grab your stabby stab stab stick. got it? good

hey, woah! don't run with that knife... with the blade towards you

you wanna hold it away from you, so you can slice and stab. there you go

so cultured. I think I'm ready now

ok, our first target is Sam

uh... is that allowed

everything is allowed in the game that is war

you 2 are at war? for what?

Steve's love and attention?

...

*softly* yes

lame

you're lame

*looking straight at the camera* abuse

just go stab Sam for me

don't do this at home, kids! I'm a trained professional

obviously

*running with a knife*

let me see what you have

a knife!

noooooooo

oh my god, why does she have a knife

no Sams were harmed in the making of this video

_______________

[the camera is set up somewhere in the big training garage. the avengers iconic symbol is in the background. nat can be seen beating clint up on a mat]

[the wii music theme starts playing. (y/n) and peter walk into the frame with iron man helmets and with their hoods pulled up]

[cue majestic dancing to wii music by (y/n) and peter]

_______________

because I'm such a famous person now, I figured I'd read some comments from my previous video

thiccnos asks, how did (y/n) meet the Avengers and gain their alliance? asking for a friend

if Thanos is resurrected from the dead, I will end him by calling him Thiccnos

conspiracy theory, thiccnos is Thanos

so pretty much Tony hacked my phone and put me in a group chat with all the Avengers because Spider-Man is a dumb hoe who accidentally revealed his identity to me

[to the untrained eye, peter seems normal, but he is severely offended by the statement]

they threatened to kill me if I told anyone and now we're besties!

SamWilsonCanClapMyAss says, "more like (y/n) and peter flirting for 17 minutes and 38 seconds"

where is flirting

who is flirting

why is flirting

Jason Ionello said, "lol I think they go to my school"

...

...

Jason, you literally sit behind me in English

and we were lab partner in ap chem last semester

Jason, are you good?

ok then...

"do you think spider man will ever reveal his identity?"

that was from garbagecannot

first of all Spider-Man has a hyphen in his name so get rekt

Peter, do you think he'll ever reveal his identity? I need your professional opinion

probably not

and there's your answer, garbagecannot!

ok, one more and then I think that's enough for now

this isn't from just one person but a lot are saying you're displaying Joana Ceddia vibes

here's a good one. fIsH aRe WeT commented, "Joana Ceddia better watch out because (y/n)'s the new girl in town and she didn't come here to play"

Joana may have dyed her hair blonde, but can she say she put the Avengers in drag makeup? I think the fnot

[cue a heavily edited montage of (y/n) doing the avengers' makeup]