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╔ Regular- (y/n) ╗

Rude!

No hello or how are you doing?

I thought we were friends

I literally sit across from you in English, dipshit

Sometimes the truth hurts

Back on track

So I discovered your little infatuation with Spider-Man

And by infatuation, I mean your YouTube channel and blog dedicated to him

Then do you have a secret identical twin that goes by the same name as you and shares the exact same experiences?

That's what I thought

What if I told you I personally know Spider-Man and am willing to let you in on a few secrets?

Do you want these Spider-Man tidbits or not? I'll take my offer away quicker than Pietro Maximoff could run

Your point?

Do you want them?

Yes or no?

Goodie!

Ok, so our pal Spidey is the secret love child of Tony Stark and Steve Rogers

I am not if this birth certificate I possess holds any truth, and trust me, it does

Ancient space Viking gods exist and colorful glowy rocks control central aspects about the universe, and you're asking me how Stark and Rogers had a kid?

That's low even for you, Eugene

Your birth certificate says otherwise!

Fact numero dos, Spider-Man had sex with a giant mutated cyborg spider from the future, thus giving him spider powers

Just like that hairstyle of yours

That doesn't excuse the fact that the top of your head looks like a dead possum

Yes, and it looks like your hair

You can't win this, Eugene

Not until you give me a reason to respect you

Lastly, for now at least, our pal Spidey-Boy has like a peppermint intolerance just like a spider

No tea, just facts

Sure!

Just get really really close to your phone, I'm going to whisper his name

THIS BITCH EMPTY!

YEET!

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╔ Regular- (y/n) ╗

Don't be alarmed if people start mentioning that Spider-Man is the secret love child of Tony Stark and Steve Rogers

I sold your deepest darkest secrets to Flash for free!

Technically it's not for free because of the embarrassment he'll feel once the lies are outed is a payment very few can achieve in money

All press is good press

Steve fought Nazis for a living, I'm sure he'll manage

Tony would just find it hilarious if I'm being honest, and Pepper will probably not care one ounce

She knows it's fake

Wait, does Pepper know you're Spider-Man?

Do you know her personally?

But you won't ask Thor if I could meet him

I see how it is

You want Thor all for yourself

You're probably jealous that he'd like me more than you and make me his heir or something

No need to rub it in that he's practically immortal

I really didn't

Hey, you know that vine with the guy dressed up in a suit similar to your's with swim goggles?

You should recreate it

I mean, I know vine is dead and all but the world deserves to see this

Seriously?!

I thought you'd say no or something

I can die peacefully now knowing that you'll do it

To bad

Already did

I'm a ghost so woo woo and stuff

Woo woo is the sound I make while floating dummy

I thought you were like a genius

You're a superhero, shouldn't you know those types of things!

What are you going to do when an army of angry ghosts invade New York?

Seriously?!

They're not real

That's just cold, Parker

Just for that I'm hanging up on you