《To: Spider-Dweeb (P. Parker x Reader)》✆ 𝚂𝚝𝚘𝚗𝚢'𝚜 𝚂𝚎𝚌𝚛𝚎𝚝 𝙻𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝙲𝚑𝚒𝚕𝚍 ✆
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✆✆
╔ Regular- (y/n) ╗
Rude!
No hello or how are you doing?
I thought we were friends
I literally sit across from you in English, dipshit
Sometimes the truth hurts
Back on track
So I discovered your little infatuation with Spider-Man
And by infatuation, I mean your YouTube channel and blog dedicated to him
Then do you have a secret identical twin that goes by the same name as you and shares the exact same experiences?
That's what I thought
What if I told you I personally know Spider-Man and am willing to let you in on a few secrets?
Do you want these Spider-Man tidbits or not? I'll take my offer away quicker than Pietro Maximoff could run
Your point?
Do you want them?
Yes or no?
Goodie!
Ok, so our pal Spidey is the secret love child of Tony Stark and Steve Rogers
I am not if this birth certificate I possess holds any truth, and trust me, it does
Ancient space Viking gods exist and colorful glowy rocks control central aspects about the universe, and you're asking me how Stark and Rogers had a kid?
That's low even for you, Eugene
Your birth certificate says otherwise!
Fact numero dos, Spider-Man had sex with a giant mutated cyborg spider from the future, thus giving him spider powers
Just like that hairstyle of yours
That doesn't excuse the fact that the top of your head looks like a dead possum
Yes, and it looks like your hair
You can't win this, Eugene
Not until you give me a reason to respect you
Lastly, for now at least, our pal Spidey-Boy has like a peppermint intolerance just like a spider
No tea, just facts
Sure!
Just get really really close to your phone, I'm going to whisper his name
THIS BITCH EMPTY!
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YEET!
✆✆
╔ Regular- (y/n) ╗
Don't be alarmed if people start mentioning that Spider-Man is the secret love child of Tony Stark and Steve Rogers
I sold your deepest darkest secrets to Flash for free!
Technically it's not for free because of the embarrassment he'll feel once the lies are outed is a payment very few can achieve in money
All press is good press
Steve fought Nazis for a living, I'm sure he'll manage
Tony would just find it hilarious if I'm being honest, and Pepper will probably not care one ounce
She knows it's fake
Wait, does Pepper know you're Spider-Man?
Do you know her personally?
But you won't ask Thor if I could meet him
I see how it is
You want Thor all for yourself
You're probably jealous that he'd like me more than you and make me his heir or something
No need to rub it in that he's practically immortal
I really didn't
Hey, you know that vine with the guy dressed up in a suit similar to your's with swim goggles?
You should recreate it
I mean, I know vine is dead and all but the world deserves to see this
Seriously?!
I thought you'd say no or something
I can die peacefully now knowing that you'll do it
To bad
Already did
I'm a ghost so woo woo and stuff
Woo woo is the sound I make while floating dummy
I thought you were like a genius
You're a superhero, shouldn't you know those types of things!
What are you going to do when an army of angry ghosts invade New York?
Seriously?!
They're not real
That's just cold, Parker
Just for that I'm hanging up on you
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